(Will Smith is black, er, back as Agent J - with sexy attitude to spare....)
CAST: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Emma Thompson, Michael Stuhlbarg, Jemaine Clement, Alice Eve, David Rasche.
DIRECTOR: Barry Sonnenfeld
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously-questionable use of time travel (never mind alien abduction) straight ahead....
IT'S LIKE THIS: In our review for DARK SHADOWS (review # 458), we discussed the conundrum that is Johnny Depp, and how he basically painted himself in a corner playing so many freaks, greeks, oddballs, and bizarros - so much so that he probably will never be able to convincingly portray a normal man ever again. Which is a shame, considering the guy has the bone structure of a Greek god. What good is it looking as hot as that if all you can use it for is staggering around in applied-by-trowel eyeliner and a tattered pirate costume in PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN? Or looking like Dracula's Gay Cousin in DARK SHADOWS? Or looking like Alyssa Milano's transvestite twin brother in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?
Then there's my man Will Smith, who rose to prominence playing a hip, street-smart, sarcastic cute dude in the TV series FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR in the early-to-mid 90's. He eventually made the jump to the big screen in fare like BAD BOYS, WILD WILD WEST, INDEPENDENCE DAY, ENEMY OF THE STATE, BAD BOYS 2, and the first two MEN IN BLACK flicks - playing variations on the "Hip Street-Smart Sarcastic Cute Dude". Just like Johnny D., Willy S. kind of painted himself in a corner. But let's just say that given the choice between Oddball Bizarro Weirdo Corner and the Hip Streetsmart Sarcastic Cute Dude Corner, I'm stacking my chips in the latter. Make some room, Will...
Anyhow, our latest review is MEN IN BLACK 3, and our boy Will returns as Agent J. For those of you who have seen MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, you already know that J was basically recruited into a mysterious Agency that monitors alien activity throughout the galaxy - and basically ensures that no nasty hanky-panky is underfoot anywhere in the Cosmos. And if there is, J and his cranky-to-the-tenth-power partner, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones), jump all over those many-tentacled bastards like me on a pizza Margherita after a day-long hike on Tiger Mountain. And for those of you who haven't seen MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, well, you're pretty much fucked. You have two choices: (1) see the first two movies before reading this review; or (2) go bake a pie or something.
Anyhow, as our movie opens we discover that Agent J and Agent K are up to their usual shit: (1) policing the galaxy, (2) going tactical on alien or human or alien human baddies, and (3) getting on each other's nerves. Given that J is a colossal smart-ass and K is a grumpy bastard, who is even the tiniest bit surprised that they are like a couple on the verge of going to counseling? Oh, I should also mention that presence of Agent O (Emma Thompson), whom K has a had Redwood-sized boner for since, well, 1969. Seriously, that's kind of a long time to fight the urge to fuck someone. Hat's off to you, K. Personally, I would've jumped her bones by 1972.
At any rate, not long after we are re-acquainted with J and K (like we could forget those two goofy dipshits), we meet Boris The Animal (Jemaine Clement). Some sort of alien thug who looks like a leftover victim from THE THING, Boris is kind of pissed at K because, well, K did the following to him: (1) shot his arm off back in 1969, and (2) arrested, which led to (3) Boris being incarcerated like some intergalactic Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, Boris manages to break out with the help of a whore with a birthday cake (don't ask), and is soon enacting his long-gestating revenge plot against K. This "plan" consists of: (1) traveling back in time to 1969, (2) killing K before he can maim and arrest Boris, therefore (3) altering the future for the worst. Folks, in case you're wondering: yes, Boris watched too many goddamned TERMINATOR movies while in jail.
I don't have to tell you that Boris succeeds in his plan. We know this because, well, there wouldn't be a fucking movie if he failed. Plus J wakes up the next day, goes to work, and discovers the following: (1) his office looks strange, (2) he has recurring splitting headaches, (3) he has as an insatiable jones for chocolate milk, and (4) it turns out K has been dead since... 1969. Freaking out majorly, J puts two and two together and discovers that he must travel back in time to 1969 to keep Boris from killing K - and therefore averting some truly heinous shit (think WAR OF THE WORLDS). With the help of a techie type at the Agency, J jumps off the Empire State Building.... and winds up back in 1969. As opposed to simply splattering all over the pavement and ruining the business suits of some NYC yuppies.
Back in 1969, J finds out that being an African-American in NYC pretty much ensures that the people will mistake you for either: (1) a valet, (2) a butler, (3) a car thief, (4) Shaft, or (5) Superfly. Nevertheless, J manages to hightail to the Agency's offices (or what passes for them in 1969) to locate K's younger self (Josh Brolin). And let's just say that if you were expecting K to be one of those guys who was a lot mellower when he was younger, well, here's your wake-up call: the guy is an even grumpier fucker at the age of 29 than he is at, well, whatever goddamned age he was supposed to be in 2012. Sorry, but I'm not a mathematical genius like Clark Kent. How can someone be blessed with both looks and brains like that? And how can someone like me end up looking like Cartman's fatter (if that's possible) twin brother with the arithmetic skills of a shriveled potato?
Whatever. Where was I? Oh, yes... K. Grumpy fucker. Even at 29. Well, if I was 29 and looked at least fifteen years older, I'd be grumpy, too. Pssssst... K.... want to know the secret of looking young forever? Forget Botox. Forget facelifts. Forget laser peels. Just smile, laugh, and fuck more. Seriously. Your hair may go gray early from the lack of sleep (ahem) but as long as you dye your hair or wear a cap, you will be carded at bars and liquor stores forever, and constantly get hit on by people who were born the year that PRETTY IN PINK came out. And here's a conundrum for you folks to figure out: if you look younger than the 25 year old you are banging six ways from Sunday, can you really call me, er, yourself a Cougar? Ahem? Come on. Technically, shouldn't he be the Cougar? Or at least the Leopard? Whatever.
Now, where was I.... Oh, right. K. Grumpy Fucker. Even at 29. It shouldn't come as the biggest surprise that even at an age roughly equal to J's, these two still get along like Casper and Guido fighting over the last batch of catnip. Things get even dicier when J tells K that he has traveled all the way back from 2012 to help nab Boris The Animal. Of course, J conveniently leaves out the part about Boris, you know, popping a cap in the K's uptight ass. Good call. The guy looks constipated enough as it is. If he knew his death is potentially just around the corner, he might launch himself into the ceiling.
J and K reluctantly team up and try to find out where Boris The Animal is. The trail takes them to one of those New York art scene cocktail parties that are populated by: (1) supermodels, (2) sleazy assholes who want to fuck the supermodels, (3) bizarro art dealers, (4) bizarro artists, and (5) bizarros in general. One of the latter is Griffin (Michael Stuhlbarg). He's the kind of guy you run into parties who stands too close to you and keeps coming closer and closer until you are pressed up against the wall, while he says things like, "your brown eyes are the color of a glass of honey iced tea" or "you have Native American cheekbones - what Tribe are you from?" or "are you always this sarcastic? I know what I'd do with that smart mouth.... know what I'm sayin'?". Or maybe it's just me who attracts perverts like that like a magnet. Jeez...
Anyway, turns out Griffin is more than just your basic weirdo: he's a weirdo with a gift. Turns out he can see the futures. Note the plural tense there: this is because Griffin can see more than one future. The fucker can basically see every possible combination out there. Which is kind of problematic because there are good futures, so-so futures, bad futures, and seriously jacked-up futures. And it's up to J and K to figure out which one to aim for. With the help of Griffin The Weirdo, that is. Good luck with that, guys....
So... what happens now? Will J and K be able to stop Boris before he unleashes his supremely fucked-up plan? How long can J keep from telling K that his death is a strong possibility? Will he be able to prevent it? Or is the future pretty much set? Or is Griffin right when he says it's always changing? Which ending will our heroes get? A good one? A so-so one? A bad one? Or one of those seriously jacked-up ones?
How about an ending where Agents J and K finally realize all the bickering and fighting and sniping that started all the way back in MEN IN BLACK 1 was just some seriously hot sexual tension waiting to be unleashed - and jump each other's bones in one of the conference rooms. I hereby create a new word to characterize an older dude who makes it clear to a younger dude who his Daddy really is: a Mougar (A Male Cougar). Work it, K. You grumpy fucker...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the opening, we joked about how, like Johnny Depp, Will Smith has essentially made a career playing the same type of character: the sarcastic, street-smart, sexy guy who always saves the day. Seriously speaking, though, most of Smith's roles bear this particular strand of DNA. This isn't to say that Smith isn't a versatile actor. He's proven himself capable of tamping down his natural feistiness to play thoughtful, damaged, haunted figures in films like THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS, SEVEN LESSONS, and I AM LEGEND. But he is at his most vibrant when he is playing heroes whose strong will is matched by their sassy charisma. Smith's engaging turns in HITCH, INDEPENDENCE DAY, BAD BOYS 1 and 2, MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, and I, ROBOT - among others - is proof of this.
In MEN IN BLACK 3, Smith still turns J into a very likable blend of sarcasm and smarts as he did in the first two films, but he also limns him with a certain vulnerability. This is very much appropriate and in keeping with this installment's slightly more tender tone. More than the first two films, MEN IN BLACK 3 explores the touchy-but-tender friendship between Agents J and K. By endangering K's very existence, and putting J in a position of being the only person who can do anything about it, the story feels more about them than anything else. Ultimately, this is the most personal mission they've embarked on. Needless to say, Smith is in top form here. Despite having played this type of role many times before, his energy never wanes and you never get the sense that he is coasting or phoning in his performance.
Matching Smith scene-for-scene, are Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin as Agent K is his older and younger incarnations. No one plays "tough, grumpy, but tender" quite like Jones, and even though he is only present in the beginning and ending of the film, he makes his presence felt throughout the whole movie - primarily because Brolin does such an excellent job of playing K as a young man through most of the second and third acts. Brolin's mimicry of Jones' gravelly tone and delivery is uncanny - and funny. It also helps that Smith has the same exact potent chemistry with Brolin that he does with Jones, which is crucial for the movie to work. Had a different actor who didn't click as well with Smith played the younger K, MEN IN BLACK 3 would have been considerably weakened. Fortunately, all three leads click like gangbusters.
As for the supporting players, the real standout is Michael Stuhlbarg as Griffin, the strange man who can see branching futures. Stuhlbarg brings a child-like innocence to the role that is very likable, and he makes a welcome addition to the J-and-K investigative team. Jemaine Clement is okay, if nothing more, as the baddie Boris, while SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE cast member Bill Hader is hilarious in his small role as Andy Warhol (who turns out to be an undercover Agency operative, natch).
The wonderful Emma Thompson and winsome Alice Eve are severely underused as the older and younger version of Agent 0. If MEN IN BLACK 3 has a weak spot, it's that there are no real heroines or even pivotal female roles. Then again, though, the story is really about the testy Bromance between J and K. This central plot thread pays off nicely in a final shot on the beach between a young K and an even younger J. You'll see. Suffice it to say, it gives MEN IN BLACK 3 a nicely resonant coda.
MEN IN BLACK 3's action setpieces are just as exciting as those of the first two films. The best ones are: (1) a sting operation in the first act where J and K encounter some deadly customers in a Chinese restaurant, (2) a lunar cycle chase sequence involving Griffin, and (3) the climactic battle at Cape Canaveral just as the Neil Armstrong mission is about to be launched. This time around, though, knowing that the stakes are very personal (K's future) ratchets up the suspense considerably. Ultimately, J is fighting not just to avert Boris' invasion plan, but also to save his friend's life.
As such, because of this emphasis on J and K's friendship, MEN IN BLACK 3 is the most satisfying of the three films. Proving again what we have always said about the classic formula for a good film: (1) give us a group of characters who are vivid and sympathetic, (2) put them in some form of grave danger, and (3) have them battle their way back to safety somehow. As with recent summer winners like THE AVENGERS and DARK SHADOWS, MEN IN BLACK 3 delivers nicely with that formula...
In closing, our boy Will schools us on the MEN IN BLACK....
