(Collins clan, you are one fucking weird family - even without that vampire ancestor...)
CAST: Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Jonny Lee Smith, Chloe Moretz, Helena Bonham-Carter, Jackie Earle Hailey, Gulliver McGrath, Christopher Lee.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS one really bizarre family with one hell of a black sheep - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: Ah, Johnny Depp... is there a more puzzling conundrum in Hollywood right now? Here's a guy who made his debut as your basic pretty-boy teenager in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET in 1984 - and then pretty much coasted on his high-cheekboned, chisel-jawed, dark-bedroom-eyed beauty in the teen romp PRIVATE RESORT (where he bared his ass, thank you very much), the TV series 21 JUMP STREET, the acclaimed Oliver Stone flick PLATOON, and pretty much all his movies for the rest of the 80's - that is, until a little movie called EDWARD SCISSORHANDS changed all that shit around in 1990. The character Johnny D. played in that movie was named, uh, Edward Scissorhands, and had, um, scissors for hands. Not exactly a guy your average girl would allow to reach second base. Unless she wants her tits shredded. Needless to say, Eddie's dating life sucked. And from that point on, so did Johnny D.'s chances of ever playing a normal guy again.
Consider Johnny's most notable roles since EDWARD SCISSORHANDS... Let's just say that none of these guys are exactly someone I'd want to sit next to on a plane. In ED WOOD, he played that real-life purveyor of ultra-cheap and ultra-bizarre movies, Ed Wood; in DON JUAN DE MARCO, he played a hot nutjob who was convinced he was the actual infamous pussy marauder Don Juan; in SLEEPY HOLLOW, he played the supremely useless investigator (I use that term supremely loosely) Ichabod Crane, who wasn't so much terrified of his own shadow as he was completely subservient to it; in THE NINTH GATE, he played a whackjob rare book dealer who was almost as insane as the people trying to kill him; and in FROM HELL, where he played another investigator (Lord in heaven) who could only track Jack The Ripper if he was high on absinthe and opium. Something tells me Clarice Starling never had to imbibe illegal substances to get a bead on Buffalo Bill.
Whatever. Anyhow, even with all those "cuckoo" roles, Johnny still had the chance to retain enough normalcy cred to play Average Joes if he would've been more careful with his role selection. But then he decided to star in a film that would basically hammer the final nail into the Normal Guy Coffin forever.
That movie is titled PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN AND THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL, and whatever shot Johnny D. had at possibly still going normal was obliterated forever. As we all know, Johnny played Captain Jack Sparrow, and let's just say that Jack is what you would get if you mixed the following: (1) a pirate; (2) a drag queen with sketchy eyeliner application techniques; and (3) a entire rum distillery. Like I said, do not sit me next to this guy on my flight to Italy.
From that point on, it was over. Next thing you knew, Johnny D. was playing ever-more increasingly wacked-out roles: a psycho killer in SECRET WINDOW, a scary-ass man-monster-goblin-thing in ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a demonic cannibal barber in SWEENEY TODD, yet even more drunk-drag-queen pirate antics in three more (Lord preserve us) additional PIRATES movies, another drunk horny bastard (with a lot less mascara and eyeliner this time) in THE LIBERTINE, and last but definitely the freakiest: whatever the fuck he was supposed to be in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.
And when Johnny did attempt to play "normal" roles in PUBLIC ENEMIES and THE TOURIST, you were so used to seeing him play such utter freaks that you kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, sure enough, they did. Bottom line, if you ever see Johnny Depp play a straightforward normal role without a catch ever again, it will surely mean that the Apocalypse is nigh - and you better stick your tongue down the throat of whatever hottie you've been jonesing for before it's too late (but don't let the hottie you're in a relationship with know - ahem).
But I digress. Anyway, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that Johnny D.'s current role is yet another example of Grade-A lunacy. He's a vampire - but not just any vampire: Barnabas Collins, the character made famous by the daytime soap opera called, uh, DARK SHADOWS from the early 70's. Yes, folks: a daytime soap opera. With vampires. Told you it was a weird one. At any rate, Barnabas is the scion of some powerful fishing/canning empire family who presumably don't smell as bad as the product they are peddling. We first meet Barnabas in the 18th century or something where he is having something of a romantic conundrum: his heart beats for Josette (Bella Heathcote) but his dick is constantly pointing in the direction of Angelique (Eva Green). In short, he loves one - but really, really, REALLY wants to fuck the other. Now, folks, in real life, the dick's preference would win because, let's face it, libido lasts longer than love. But, this being a movie with Johnny D. playing a supremo bizarro in it, we have to pretend otherwise. To cut to the case, none of this ends well: Josette falls off a cliff and dies, Barnabas gets turned into a vampire by Angelique and is eventually lynched and buried by the villagers - and the bitch herself walks away doing a triple-fist-pump-in-the-air. Girl power, I guess...
Cut to 1972, the era of bell-bottoms big enough to hide a VW van in, hair puffy enough to warrant meteorological reports, and music funky enough to prompt governmental regulation. Just when you couldn't think the 70's could get anymore weird, who should be resurrected when a construction crew unearths his coffin while building a parking lot for a McDonald's? If you said anything other than "Barnabas Collins!", you must be doing your worst Jack Sparrow impersonation again. Go get another shot of rum, you bum. Anyhow, it goes without saying that Barnabas is just a tad grumpy about being awakened after over 200 years or something of sleep - and gets all medieval on the construction crew. Meaning, he kills them all and slurps their blood. What the fuck were you expecting? He's a vampire.
After that lovely riposte, Barnabas goes touring around town and discovers, to his chagrin, that everyone in this new era is as fucking weird as he is. Which is actually good for him, otherwise his presence would've been reported to the authorities, ASAP. Eventually, he wanders back to his abode called Collinswood (or something) and discovers that he has some, uh, descendants. Before y'all get hot and bothered and start thinking that George Clooney is stretched out in the living room in his bathrobe and Garfield slippers doing a crossword puzzle (AHEM), allow me to burst your bubble: Barnabas' relatives are kind of hot, but none of them rival George Clooney in the Caldo Department.
They are: (1) Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), elegant and poised matriarch; (2) Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Moretz), sulky and rebellious daughter; (3) Roger Collins (Jonny Lee Miller), useless and clueless Uncle; (4) David (Gulliver McGrath), meek and frightened son; (5) Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), sarcastic and gruff family doctor; (6) Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Hailey), equally clueless and useless Uncle; and last but definitely the cutest: (7) Victoria (Bella Heathcote again), sweet and winsome governess who looks an awful lot like Barnabas' lost love Josette (a-fucking-hem, people) And let's just say that, aside from a few smart-ass remarks by Dr. Hoffman, these folks barely raise an eyebrow at the sudden appearance of a bug-eyed, pale weirdo with sharp incisors on their front doorstep. Of course, Barnabas eventually confesses to Elizabeth that he's, you know, a bloodsucker and would she kindly keep his real nature a secret? Folks, I think it's safe to say that if a vampire asked me to keep his true identity under wraps, I would fucking comply too. Don't need to twist my arm, Barney baby...
Unfortunately, it turns out that Barnabas has an old nemesis in town: Angelique (is that name a crock or what?). Apparently, the bitch who turned him into a vampire has never aged due to her witchcraft (or judicious use sunblock) and has basically forced the Collins empire into a decline because of her own fishing cannery empire that is now the Shiznit of Collinsport. Say, maybe they ought to change the name of the place to Angeliqueport. Or Bitchville. Or Witchburg. And if you thought things were scary enough as they are, wait until you hear what happens when Angelique discovers that Barnabas has been resurrected. Let's just say that a boner has a long memory, and before you know it, Angelique and Barnabas are doing the "I fucking hate you but I still REALLY want to fuck you" thing. My, it's getting hot in here...
So... what is Angelique up to now? What does she want from Barnabas? Is she after what's left of the Collins empire? Does she want Collinwood manor, itself? Will Barnabas fall for her charms? Or will he fight his boner to protect his family? Who will be his most valuable ally? Elizabeth? Carolyn? Roger? Dr. Hoffman? David? Willie? Someone else? Will this family survive now that they have a sort-of Guardian Angel? Will Barnabas save his descendants? Will they ever enjoy another Christmas together? Will Johnny Depp ever again play a guy who isn't: (a) a bloodsucker, (b) a serial killer, (c) a wacky investigator chasing a serial killer, (d) a drunk androgynous pirate, (e) a scary man-monster-goblin thing, or (f): whatever the fuck he was supposed to be in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?
What a waste of a great pair of cheekbones....
BUT, SERIOUSLY: I'm not too familiar with the original "Dark Shadow" daytime series from the late 1960s/early 1970s, except that it was very popular for its time. Its attempt to blend a traditional clan-centered soap opera format with more supernaturally-inclined elements reportedly gave the series an atmosphere and feel of its own. The show was so popular that it spawned a couple of movie spin-offs in the early-70s: HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS (1970) and NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS (1971). There was also a brief revival of the series in 1991, and a TV movie (starring future star Jessica Chastain as Carolyn Stoddard) in 2005. And, now, under the helm of talented fantasy/surrealist director Tim Burton and powered by the star power of Johnny Depp, we have the latest incarnation of the venerable series.
Not being too familiar with the DARK SHADOWS mythos, it's surprising that I was pulled into the movie's world as much as I was. Well, not really so surprising - considering Tim Burton's directorial and storytelling savvy. I commented to my friend that the film's atmosphere felt real, and that we were really watching a story unfolding in the 1970s - and not a film set with actors in 70s garb and accompanying props. Also, given that this film is about a vampire who is resurrected to protect his family, the ease with which it gets us to suspend our disbelief is noteworthy. It's due mainly to Burton's graceful, painterly touch as a filmmaker, and his vibrant, multi-talented cast.
I'm not sure how Jonathan Frid portrayed Barnabas Collins in the original series or the first spin-off films, but Johnny Depp takes ownership of the role and makes it his own. He imbues Barnabas with enough humor and humanity to keep us from writing him off as a cartoon. The film's best moments are its comic ones - scenes in which the confused Barnabas reacts in humorous ways to the strange and modern new world he finds himself in. In the opening to this review, we joked about Depp's penchant for choosing exceedingly quirky roles that contradict his leading man/model good looks. I actually think its a refreshingly unexpected path for a handsome actor to take. Barnabas Collins is the best role of Depp's that combines strangeness and likability to a perfect degree. And when Barnabas has to let his feral side come out (he is a vampire, after all), Depp is suitably menacing, creating a character that is a web of interesting contradictions.
Michelle Pfeiffer instantly makes Elizabeth Collins Stoddard into a heroic figure we can root for. She is one of my all-time favorite actresses, and what's great about her is how she brings humanity and grace to her roles - even when she's playing a morally ambiguous character like Catwoman in BATMAN RETURNS, a driven attorney in I AM SAM, a sleek and mysterious restaurant owner in TEQUILA SUNRISE, or her role as a fiercely protective mother in this film. I look forward to seeing more of Pfeiffer and Elizabeth in future DARK SHADOWS films.
As the villainous Angelique, Eva Green is ideally cast. I used to think she was miscast in the Bond classic CASINO ROYALE, but now I believe she was asked to play a character with such a complex backstory and motivation that it would've been a challenge for anyone except Meryl Streep to have played her. Here, Green's character is simpler and more streamlined: Angelique, despite her weakness for Barnabas, is an evil figure and Green brings her to life with zest and charisma. She even manages to give the character some nuance and shading - which pays off in the final scene between her and Barnabas. Good work on Green's part. After the muddle that was Vesper Lynd in CASINO ROYALE, Angelique Bouchard is a far more transparent character.
Chloe Moretz, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Earle Hailey, Jonny Lee Smith, Bella Heathcote, and Christopher Lee are all fine as the various members of the Collins clan and the residents of Collinsport. Each of them finds the quirky center in their characters to make us care about what happens to them. The standouts are Bonham-Carter as the droll Dr. Julia Hoffman, who has some great scenes with Depp as Barnabas, and Moretz as the cantankerous teen Carolyn, who has the film's best one-liner: after a long-winded, big-worded insult from Barnabas, she turns to Elizabeth and says: "I'm pretty sure he just called me a hooker."
In the end, DARK SHADOWS wins you over with a surreal and atmospheric blend of laughs, chills, and good old-fashioned family drama. In our review for THE AVENGERS (review # 453), we talked about the classic formula for a good film, regardless of season or genre: (1) establish a group of vivid and sympathetic characters we can care and root for; (2) put them in mortal danger, whether emotional danger (love stories and comedies), spiritual danger (dramas), or physical danger (actioners, thrillers, horrors); and (3) have them try to get themselves out of that danger in some way. DARK SHADOWS follows this formula faithfully, and the result? A solidly good film.
