(Hmmmm, what dirty skanky memory shall I have implanted in my head? Oh, wait... they're all real. My bad.)
CAST: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Bokeem Woodbine, Will Yun Lee, Bill Nighy, John Cho.
DIRECTOR: Len Wiseman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really trippy way to find out your wife is one murderous biyatch - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: The original TOTAL RECALL from 1990 is one of my favorite comedies. What's that? It's not a comedy, you say? It's more of a gritty, bloody, thought-provoking sci-fi action thriller that raises some interesting ideas about memory, identity, and truth? You also think it's a great adaptation of Philip K. Dick's classic sci-fi novel "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" and is, itself, also a classic?
Well, here's my rebuttal, bitches: how the fuck can you take a film seriously when its hero has the following expression (or close to it) on his face about 80% of the time? See below...
...well, alrighty then.
See, in TOTAL RECALL '90, Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger plays a "regular" guy named Doug Quaid who works as some sort of assembly-line drone in the distant future who dreams of flying to Mars and becoming a secret agent or some utter horseshit like that. A coworker tells him about a place called Rekall, Inc., which is kind of like a video store. Except they implant the videos in your head as memories - and convince you it really was something you truly experienced. In other words, if you wanted to know what it's like to, oh, give Colin Farrell a tongue bath, you can have the Rekall folks implant the event in your head as a memory - as real as any other in your head - and you'd basically have some serious spank-the-monkey imagery to last you until the day you croak. Yes, folks, this is some intriguing shit. Imagine the possibilities. I'm getting horny just thinking about it.
Doug, unfortunately, decides he want to have the "memories" or "recall" of a secret agent. Yawn. Just watch a fucking James Bond movie and pretend it's set on Mars, dude. Geez. Don't blow this chance. No pun intended. Anyhow, Doug goes through with the procedure, except it backfires and reveals that his memory/identity of being boring assembly-line worker Doug Quaid is actually fake - and he is really a super-duper secret agent from Mars named Houser. He also discovers his "loving" wife Lori (Sharon Stone before she flashed her cooch in BASIC INSTINCT) is actually a killer government agent - one of many who are eager to ice him. He also hooks up with fugitive hottie Melina (Rachel Ticotin), whom he apparently slammed pelvises with before his memory was wiped out and replaced with the fake Doug Quaid's.
Yes, folks... it's a bit of a mindfuck. But whenever you see Arnie's face looking like this...
... well, it's a little hard to keep a straight face and buy too much into the proceedings.
Fortunately, TOTAL RECALL was remade this year, and Colin Farrell (star of my imaginary tongue bath from before) now plays Doug Quaid/Houser. While Colin is still definitely an uber-hottie and can in no way be considered average, he is at least a little more believable at pretending to be a "regular" guy than Ah-nuld was. No disrespect to the former Cali Gov, but with his "I Will Fuck You Up And You Will Enjoy It" face and his "Vhere Is Da Oktoberfest" accent, Mr. Schwarzenegger is about as "regular" as an apple streudel in the Twinkie aisle. Colin, at least, doesn't look like someone slipped him a firepoker enema. Compare the two...
...and tell me I'm wrong.
Anyhow, the plot is pretty much the same. Doug has a humdrum assembly-line job in the distant future. Doug is seriously bored with his life. Doug wants more excitement. Doug goes to Rekall to know what it is like to be a badass secret agent. Doug gets his brain fried and discovers he's not really Doug. Doug discovers his wife Lori (now played by Kate Beckinsale) is a government plant who is spying on him. Doug is almost killed by Lori and must go on the run to figure out who he really is (pssst, Doug... here's a hint: Houser) and find out why everyone's trying to kill him. Doug/Houser runs into Melina (now played by Jessica Biel) and remembers his woody for her. Houser and Melina team up to beat Lori and the other baddies. Houser and Melina beat the baddies. Houser piledrives Melina - a lot. The end.
Okay, okay, alright. It's a bit more complicated than that, with lots and lots of twists and turns - as well as tons of moody visuals and brooding atmospherics that make you suspect the director and his production design team jacked off to BLADE RUNNER and SEVEN one too many times. There's also a few differences between TOTAL RECALL '90 and TOTAL RECALL '12. Mainly, the whole "I want to travel to Mars" thing is gone. Everything is Earthbound, and let me just share what a shithole our planet apparently is in the distant future. I'm thinking preparing Mars for colonization now would be a good thing. It's so disturbing, it's enough to make you look like this:
Now that's scary....
BUT, SERIOUSLY: There is the general feeling among film fans that TOTAL RECALL 1990 is a genre classic, but I tend to disagree. While I think it is certainly a good film that has some very interesting elements, I also think it would've been a stronger film if a less "larger than life" actor like Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast in it. The thing about Schwarzenegger's presence is this: it is so powerful that he's just not believable playing an ordinary guy. Of course, Doug Quaid eventually turns out to be far from ordinary - and is a secret agent. While Schwarzenegger is believable in the secret agent part, he's just not plausible as the initial "regular Joe" he's supposed to be. The whole point of the premise is a seemingly boring and ordinary guy is actually a deadly, more complex person - and you would never have seen it coming. It doesn't help that Schwarzenegger's acting, while okay, is also a little too "comic book." In fact, the thing that keeps me from warming completely to TOTAL RECALL 1990 is how much it feels like a comic book and not an actual sci-fi adventure that you can take seriously.
Thank goodness, then, for TOTAL RECALL 2012. While I am probably in the minority of folks who actually welcome this remake, the fact is it's a solid and engaging story that manages to touch on all of Philip K. Dick's themes from his short story, while delivering an exhilarating action/thriller experience. The biggest difference between the original and the remake is the jettisoning of the whole "Mars" thread. Here, the source of Doug/Houser's memories is right on Earth, and this move actually streamlines the various plot elements. I always thought that the Mars angle was always a bit distracting and almost unnecessary. Beyond being faithful to the source material, I'm not sure what other value the inclusion of this element would've had. Director Len Wiseman and his writers wisely come up with a suitable replacement for Mars that lessens the "comic book" potential of the story.
The cast is consistently superior to the original group of actors. Colin Farrell is much more believable as an average guy who is vaguely unsatisfied with his existence - and wants some excitement. While he is undoubtedly a very handsome man, Farrell has a normal physique that allows him to "blend" into the crowd better. Schwarzenegger, on the other hand, always stood out unnecessarily. But when it is time for the script to reveal Doug's killer instinct, Farrell is also believable and more than convinces as an agent awakened. With Schwarzenegger, he was only believable as the agent - not as the average guy that we first meet. And, in my opinion, that hindered the original film.
Another plus of TOTAL RECALL 2012 is how it really beefs up the female roles. In the original, Sharon Stone was fine as the duplicitous Lori, but the character was killed off before she could make any significant contributions to the plot. Here, the writers wisely turn Lori into a more prominent baddie, having her spearhead the hunt for Doug/Houser - instead of relegating her to the sidelines then discarding her barely halfway into the movie like the original did. Kate Beckinsale rolls up her sleeves and tackles her expanded role with relish and skill. She's completely believable as, first, a seemingly-loving and ordinary wife and, second, a relentless trained killer who won't stop until she gets her man. She makes a formidable villain and the movie is all the better for it.
As the "good girl," Jessica Biel brings the right mix of tomboyish spunk and subtle vulnerability to the table. She gets far more chances to flex her muscles and partake in the action than Rachel Ticotin did back in 1990 with the same role. Biel also is both a nice physical and thespian match for Colin Farrell, and they make a very likable couple. This is best apparent in a crucial scene where Doug's "best friend" Harry (Bokeem Woodbine) tries to convince him that "Doug" is real and "Houser" is an implant - and he must shoot Melina to prove it. Biel and Farrell are at their best in this scene, because of the subtle, conflicting emotions they bring to it.
Another thing I didn't like about TOTAL RECALL 1990 is just how violent it was. Director Paul Verhoeven's direction seemed to highlight bloodletting and gore. Some of the violence was just gratuitous and unnecessary. TOTAL RECALL 2012 delivers the same kinetic action spectacle - without explicit violence. There are still explosions and unexpected demises and special effects, but it's all done in a way that enhances the adventure rather than detract from it with random gore. The highlight setpieces are an extended cat-and-mouse chase scene involving vertical and horizontal elevator shafts, with Lori pursuing Doug and Melina through and around rapidly-moving cars. The climax involving the subterranean transport known as "The Fall" is also exciting and suspenseful. On an aesthetic note, the remake is also a more beautiful film to look at, photography-wise and set-wise, than the original.
In the end, TOTAL RECALL 2012 is a more than a worthy remake of TOTAL RECALL 1990. It is actually, in many ways, a better film. Sorry, governor...
