(Chris Evans goes the PRETTY WOMAN/DEUCE BIGALOW route - crowd goes wild...)
CAST: Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Evans, Ann-Margaret, Ellen Burstyn, Will Patton, Jessica Collins, Mammie Gunner.
DIRECTOR: Jodie Markell
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one smokin'-hot male escort who doesn't realize he's a male escort - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: A couple of years ago, there was a movie in pre-production called SATISFACTION with Chris Evans slated to star. He was supposed to play a male escort who falls in love with one of his clients - a woman about a dozen years older than him. They begin an affair that takes them to London and Rome where, I'm certain, the script would have them fuck each other so much and so hard that they had zero energy left to walk around and check out Piccadily Circus or the Colloseum. Which I totally understand. Screw the tourist attractions - I can buy a goddamned postcard. Get into that Pizza Delivery Man costume again, you dirty boy... Anyway, I was as happy as a cat in a crowded fish bowl when I heard about this movie - and immediately called my agent (who also doubles as my DVD Pimp, cat sitter, astrologist, and all-around punching bag) and told him to get me an audition for the role of Chris's love interest in SATISFACTION.
"But... you're a... dude," the goober replied.
"I don't give a fuck," I shot back. "Didn't you see THE CRYING GAME? It all worked out in the end, and I've got better legs than Jaye Davidson. Someone once said I had 'race horse legs' - whatever the fuck that is - and someone else said he wanted to photograph them, so I just KNOW that I would ROCK a miniskirt! Chris and I would burn up that screen with our chemistry. And I would WRAP my "race horse legs" around him - TIGHT. So. Get. Me. That. AUDITION!!! NOW!!!!"
And who could blame me for being so motivated? With SATISFACTION being about a male escort, chances were great that Chris - AKA Mr. Hairy Pecs, would spend most of the movie walking around looking like this:
or like this...
and like this...
perhaps like this...
and even like this...
My it's gettin' hot in here....
(Excuse me while I take a cold shower....
....Okay, I'm back)
Unfortunately, before my Agent / DVD Pimp / Catsitter / Punching Bag could get off his lazy ass and do anything, the production on SATISFACTION hit a snag and Chris left the project to do THE AVENGERS or something. From what I understand, SATISFACTION is now in that lovely purgatory known in the industry as "turnaround." Which means it probably won't get made for awhile now - if ever. Which means by the time it does get the greenlight again, Chris will be too old for the role - and it will have to go to Justin Bieber or one of the Jonas brothers. Gag me with a scuba tank.
No worries, though, because even though SATISFACTION got stuck in studio quicksand, those of us jonesing for Chris E. to play a ManWhore can still get our fix. You see, Mr. Hairy Pecs starred in the 2008 romantic drama THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND. The script is by the late famed playwright Tennessee Williams and is about farm laborer Jimmy Dobyne (Mr. Hairy Pecs Evans) who pimps himself out to a rich, icy, sarcastic heiress Fisher Willow (Bryce Dallas Howard), accompanying her to a bunch of parties and galas and shindigs, and generally walking around looking like the sizzlin'-hot eye candy that he is. The major differences between THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND and SATISFACTION are the following: (1) this movie is set in the Deep South in the 1920's, (2) Fisher is about the same age as Jimmy, and (3) we never get to see her go down on him in the middle of the Pantheon in Rome. Which, I'm sure, is a scene in SATISFACTION's script. Or am I degenerate who is having some flashbacks of my life in Italy?
Whatever. Anyway, it all starts when our smart-assy, feisty heroine Fisher returns to Bumfuck, Mississippi (or wherever the hell that place is supposed to be) after years in Paris and Italy. Now, I don't have to tell you that a worldly chick like Fisher who's traveled the Globe, pretty much fits in her hometown the way Anna Wintour would at a square-dance. So why the fuck would she return? Ever? Apparently, she's trying to please her rich Auntie Cornelia (Ann-Magret) so the old cow won't cut her out of the will. But considering that Fisher is pretty rich to begin with (rich grandfather, ahem), I don't know why she just doesn't tell the hag to take a hike off a cliff - then return to Europe for good. Well, I guess if she did, then there wouldn't be a movie, would there? And we wouldn't get to see Mr. Hairy Pecs aw-shucks-ing his way up and down the street, looking like this...
... would we? Well, alrighty then.
Which brings me to Mr. Hairy Pecs, er, Chris, er, Jimmy. Seems Jimmy has caught Fisher's eye - and she makes him a proposition: the parties and balls and galas full of boring provincial dullards would be a lot less excruciating if he were too, um, "escort" her to them. She will pay for his clothes. She will pay for this time. She will pay for his company. She will pay for his pecs. She will pay for his penis. Okay, I just inserted those last two conditions. But you know Fisher's been thinking about it. For crying out loud, the bitch spent time in Italy and, by her own admission, almost married a hot Guido in Venice. Put simply, the girl is a Grade-A Freak. And I, for one, am very proud of her. Especially when she finally finishes Jimmy's PRETTY WOMAN-style makeover - and we first catch a glimpse of him in a tux. Girlfriend knows exactly what she's doing:
Exactly.
Unfortunately, Jimmy and Fisher's "arrangement" hits a snag when they go to a fateful Halloween party thrown by Julie (Mammie Gummer), an old college friend of Fisher's. For starters, the following things happen: (1) Jimmy's trashy ex-squeeze Vinnie (Jessica Collins) shows up and starts rubbing up on him like she's a stripper and he's the pole; (2) Fisher meets Julie's Aunt Addie (Ellen Burstyn), a fellow world traveler like Fisher who is now dying of some unspecified terminal illness - and who shares some valuable life lessons with Fisher; and (3) Fisher loses one of the valuable teardrop diamonds that Aunt Cornelia loaned her. I bet you were starting to wonder why this fucking movie was titled the way it was, and not CHRIS EVANS: SMOKIN' HOT MAN MEAT, right? Well, there you go....
How will this night end? Will Jimmy and Fisher's relationship survive? Will it strengthen their bond and take them to the next level? Or will that low-class tramp Vinnie scheme her way between them? What happens when Fisher discovers a kindred spirit in the dying Aunt Addie? Will they have enough time to bond before Aunt Addie dies? And what happens when Aunt Addie asks for Fisher's help with an assisted suicide? And what about that missing teardrop diamond? Who took it? Vinnie? Jimmy? Julie? Or is it Fisher herself? Who will have a "Happy Ending?" Will Fisher and Jimmy just admit that they love each other already so we can all go home? Who will make the first move to meet the other one halfway? Someone fucking do something!
Whatever. All I want to know is who will play the lead in SATISFACTION when it finally gets made. I would prefer that Mr. Hairy Pecs Evans re-board the production, but I will be happy with any actor - as long as it ain't this guy:
Some things you just can't un-see. You're welcome.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Within the Romance and Romantic Comedy Genres, there is a sub-category known as "The Business Arrangement That Becomes Something More." Basically, this formula has two immutable elements: (1) two people who don't get along either conspire to pretend they're in a relationship, or enter into a contract to do so, for their own respective gains; only to end up (2) actually falling in love with each other, not only violating their agreement, but also complicating things considerably. We've seen this premise in such films as CAN'T BUY ME LOVE, PRETTY WOMAN, GREEN CARD, THE PROPOSAL, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, and the unfortunately-delayed SATISFACTION.
Now, we have THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND, which probably has a more lofty pedigree than others of its ilk. The story is based on a "lost" screenplay by late playwright Tennessee Williams, and tackles what happens when a nonconformist heiress returns to her Tennessee hometown from living in Europe - and must deal with narrow-minded gossips and jealous rivals. Along the way, she hires a local farm hand to be her "escort" for the social season. As with the other films we mentioned, love unexpectedly blossoms. But is THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND's provenance as an obscure story by one of America's most esteemed writers enough to make it better than the pack?
Not really. The problem is the odd structure of the story. For most of the first act and the second act, we're not entirely sure if we are watching a love story or a straightforward drama. While most films in this sub-genre do spend the first part of the story establishing a business-like tone between the leads, that tone should soon begin to melt as intimacy and familiarity begin to grow. The best moments of GREEN CARD, PRETTY WOMAN, and THE PROPOSAL were about the feuding leads slowly learning more about each other - then growing to first respect then eventually like and finally love the other. In THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND, we don't get as many of those "thawing" scenes. There are only a couple of sequences where Fisher and Jimmy truly lower their guards: (1) an early scene where Fisher takes over a dance floor and joyfully kicks up a storm, while Jimmy watches appreciatively; and (2) a riverside moment before the Halloween party that not only effectively sets up the beautiful ending scene later - but also helps solidify their bond as a couple, somewhat. Still, a few more scenes like these would've given the genuine sense of growing romance that was so present (and necessary) in the other films we mentioned.
Fortunately, Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Evans deliver solid performances. While their chemistry isn't the most combustible, there is a definite warmth between them. Evans, who is naturally vivacious and funny, tamps down his "sparkle" and brings a grounded reserve to Jimmy that is both appealing and reassuring. His more measured demeanor is a nice contrast to Howard's explosive approach. Jimmy holds back a lot of emotion, especially around those he loves the most, and while it would've been nice to have seen more glimmers underneath his wary surface, I suspect this has more to do with the script than Evans' acting. Of course, another reason the central romance is hindered is because of the story's overemphasis on Jimmy's ties to Vinnie, who ultimately proves to be a far less suitable choice for Jimmy than Fisher.
Speaking of Fisher, Howard seems a bit broad and theatrical in the early goings, but it ultimately seems to be how the character meets the world head-on: with a defiant, flamboyant front. However, at the midpoint of the film, Howard begins to allow Fisher's defenses to fall away, revealing the lost and confused girl underneath - and what started as broad strokes becomes more specific and idiosyncratic. Fisher's unexpected kinship with the dying Aunt Addie (Ellen Burstyn in the film's best performance) is the catalyst for her self-awareness. Like Fisher, Addie has seen the world (she was a travel writer) and doesn't fit in with the community of jealous, close-minded folks around them. Their connection becomes THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND's true emotional center, since the bond between Fisher and Jimmy doesn't really catch fire until the end. Indeed, when viewed primarily as an examination of nonconformist, trailblazing women - and not a conventional romance - the film gains some welcome heft.
Speaking of the ending, it's the second reason (besides Evans, Howard, and Burstyn's performances) that THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND rates above the average mark. The final moment between Fisher and Jimmy is a good example of how to use images and actions to play a scene, and ends the story on a very satisfying note - all the more surprising since the romance between our leads catches fire so late.
Ultimately, for all its flaws, the late Tennessee Williams' script for THE LOSS OF A TEARDROP DIAMOND ties up its threads quite nicely - and delivers an emotionally-rewarding finale. That's more than some films do.
