# 549 - MALEFICENT (2014)

MALEFICENT (2014 - FANTASY/DRAMA) **** out of *****  OR  8 out of 10

( Do these horns make me look fat?  Answer wisely, bitches... )

CAST:   Angelina Jolie, Elle Fanning, Sharlto Copley, Lesley Manville, Imelda Staunton, Juno Temple, Sam Riley, Brenton Thwaites, Kenneth Cranham

DIRECTOR:  Robert Stromberg

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons not to piss off fairies - straight ahead...

IT'S LIKE THIS:   One of my friends recenly gave me a rather, er, unusual gift: a POP Head figure of Maleficent, the anti-heroine of our latest review.  His reason:  "because you remind me of her..."  Which, I guess, means I'm an ice-cold bitch when the occasion warrants it.  Of course, that's too simple an analysis of Maleficent (and me) - and he knows it.  Because Maleficent can also be the nicest, most generous person in the world if you deserve it - and so can I.  In short, I guess we give as good as we get.  Tit for tat.  But I'm afraid that's where all the similarities end, since I'm nowhere near as hot as Angelina Jolie. 

Sure enough, when we first Ms. Maleficent, she's actually pretty sweet.  She basically is one of the many fairies that live in an enchanted wood adjacent to your basic fucked-up human kingdom.  Whereas the fairies are a peacable, kind-hearted group, their human neighbors are - unsurprisingly - petty, jealous, and selfish.  Led by the particularly-vile King Henry (Kenneth Cranham), all the stupid humans can think of is how to usurp the gorgeous, resource-rich land the fairies own - and suck it dry for themselves. 

Of course, it doesn't help that Maleficent herself has earned the ire of King Henry by basically telling him and his squires to go fuck themselves.  As far as she is concerned, the Fairy Realm will always be the property of the fairies - and his highness can shove his conquest plans right up his bunghole.  Enraged, King Henry basically tells his subjects that any man who kills Maleficent and brings him her wings will inherit the kingdom.  Nothing like a powerful bribe to bring people's true colors to light. 

Sadly, one of those people is Stefan (Sharlto Copley), Maleficent's human friend whom she has serious googley eyes for.  While Stefan likes Maleficent, he clearly loves power and wealth more.  Soon, he is using his personal connection to Maleficent to kill her and cut off her wings as proof of her death.  At the last moment, however, he cannot quite bring himself to kill what is likely the best lay of his life - and decides to just cut her wings off as she sleeps.  Imagine Maleficent's rage when she wakes up the next morning, feeling a hundred pounds lighter. 

So it comes to pass that Stefan inherits the kingdom for delivering Maleficent's wings to King Henry.  Stefan marries Henry's daughter, and they have a daughter of their own, naming her Aurora.  The kingdom rejoices in the same way England did when William and Kate's own bundle of joy popped out of her.  Unlike that celebration, however, King Stefan's party for Aurora is interrupted by an ice-cold wind - named Maleficent.  Let's just say that this is the dramatic entrance to end all dramatic entrances. 

Our girl Mally saunters into the ballroom wearing a lot of basic black and the most awesome headpiece I've ever seen.  She basically glides right past the revelers like they're not even there - and makes a beeline for baby Aurora sleeping in her crib.  I don't have to tell you that the look on King Stefan's face is not exactly one of joy and happiness.  More like pants-shitting horror and desperation.  Yes, sir, them chickens have done come home to roost, son.  Fasten you seatbelts.

I wish I could tell you that Maleficent wishes King Stefan and his family well, and bids them adieu.  But that would be a level of insanity that even I am not capable of.  Nope, our girl Mally smiles sweetly, bends over the crib, and - you know - casts one bitch of a spell on poor Aurora, turning her into yapping purple chihuahua.  Kidding.  Maleficent curses Aurora by saying she will be pricked by a pin on her 16th birthday, sending her into a sleep like death.  Curable only by true love's kiss.  And since Bigfoot, Santa Claus, Chupacabra, Atlantis, and Slender Man are more believable entities in Maleficent's book than True Love, she's fairly sure that will never happen.  In other words, Aurora is soooooo screwed. 

To protect his little tyke, King Stefan sends his baby into the deep woods to be cared for by three of the most incompetent babysitters this side of Jonah Hill from the remake of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING.   They are three of the dumbest fairies ever to strap on some wings:  (1) Flittle (Lelsey Manville); (2) Knotgrass (Imelda Staunton); and (3) Thistletwit (Juno Temple).  Actually, that last name is appropriate for all three of them - I don't know why the other two felt they even needed to have different monikers.  These three imbecile have barely enough fairy brain cells among them to generate a mild spark, let alone an actual thought.  Let alone an actual intelligent thought. 

Long story short, Maleficent and her bitch boy/crow Diaval (Sam Riley) have to intervene to ensure baby Aurora doesn't fall off a cliff, starve to death, die of thirst, or end up a twit herself.  After all, what good is Mally's curse if Aurora dies before she turns sixteen.  Maleficent has to protect her investment, you know. 

But what happens when Maleficent finds herself beginning to care for Aurora as she grows into a young lady (Elle Fanning)?  Will Maleficent's natural goodness come to the fore?  Or will she continue to hold on to her anger and desire for revenge for Stefan's betrayal?  Will she make the right choice and re-discover her heart and humanity?  Or will she remain on the dark side?  And what happens when a handsome prince (Brenton Thwaites) enters the picture?  Will he provide "true love's kiss?"  Or does true love lie elsewhere?  Ahem? 

BUT, SERIOUSLY:  In recent years, we've seen some interesting revisionist takes on our classic fairy tales.  In 2012, BRAVE told the tale of a headstrong princess at odds with her more traditional mother - and how they bridged the gap between them through adventure and courage.  There was no handsome prince or male lead to save the day.  The women did it themselves.   In 2013, FROZEN took a similarly-atypical route, giving us two princess sisters who, like BRAVE, are separted by a curse but manage to re-connect through a quest and feats of bravery.  There was a handsome prince this time, but his role was a clever bit of misdirection and he ultimately turned out to be the villain.  And the male lead (a lowly hunter) was more of a comic relief and "Her Boy Friday" type of sidekick. 

Now, in 2014, the trend continues with MALEFICENT, a re-telling of the "Sleeping Beauty" fairy tale from the "villain's" perspective.  And if you're going to have someone play a complex role that is neither hero nor villain, but a little bit of both, you would do well to cast Angelina Jolie.  Jolie is one of the few modern actors who is both a very good actress and a true star presence.  Contrary to popular belief, the two are mutually exclusive.  There are many good actors who don't have the power to hold a screen audience with their mere presence.  And there are many stars with powerful screen presence who are incapable of deep performances.   The only two current actresses I can see playing MALEFICENT are Jolie and Charlize Theron, who played a somewhat similar but more evil character in SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. 

MALEFICENT is, at its heart, a love story.  However, just like BRAVE and FROZEN before it, this movie spins a more platonic, familial connection.  Whereas BRAVE showed the bond between mother and daughter, and FROZEN explored the connection between sisters, MALEFICENT shows a more complex type of love - one that has shades of maternal affection, friendship, and sisterhood, all at once.  As Aurora, Elle Fanning is the perfect combination of open innocence, sunny glee, and tender vulnerability.  We have to understand why MALEFICENT's icy wall would be melted with ease by Aurora, and Fanning's skill and likability, it is very clear why.   Like the previous revisionist films, this love story has no room for a prince - and the one here is quite, well, marginalized.

Supporting performances from Sharlton Copley, Lesley Manville, Juno Temple, Imelda Staunton, Brenton Thwaite, and Sam Riley are all on target.  Riley, in particular, is quite good as Diaval, the crow whom Maleficent gives human form to in order for him to be able to act as her emisarry.  Diaval and Maleficent have a nice, combative rapport that Jolie and Riley bring to life.  Thwaite is as engaging as Fanning in his limited role of the prince who may or may not be her savior.  (hint: don't get your hopes up.)

Ultimately, though, just as BRAVE and FROZEN belonged to its female leads, so too is MALEFICENT owned by its complex (anti)heroine and the girl she slowly learns to love more than herself.  It's a wonderful story arc, and the hypnotically-arresting Jolie and immensely sweet Fanning both make it an emotionally-rewarding ride. 

# 548 - GODZILLA (2014)

GODZILLA (2014 - ACTION / THRILLER / SCI-FI) *** out of *****  or  6 out of 10. 

( Hey, G, there's a couple of, um, MUTOs acting a fool out in Frisco - just letting you know...)

 

CAST:   Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Bryan Cranston, Ken Watanabe, Sally Ha wkins, Juliette Binoche, David Straithairn, Richard T. Jones, Godzilla.

DIRECTOR:  Gareth Edwards

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to view all Earthquakes with suspicion - straight ahead...

 

IT'S LIKE THIS:  You know that saying, "As American as apple pie"?  Well, if you were looking for a Japanese version, something like "As Japanese as a rompin-stompin Godzilla" wouldn't be too farfetched.  In fact, our lovable overgrown lizard probably rivals sushi, anime, and Nintendo for the honor of TOP SIGIFICANT ACHIEVEMENT in the The Land of the Rising Sun.  The Japanese sure do love Godzilla, if the numerous movies about him on that side of the Pacific seem to indicate.  

But what about Americans?  Well, let's just say that we are not as unconditional in our love for the big guy as our Japanese cousins.  How else to explain the lukewarm reception to GODZILLA 1998, which was marketed as if its blockbuster status was a foregone conclusion?  Needless to say, it underperformed at the box office that summer, proving that we Yanks aren't as easily dazzled as Godzilla's native audience. 

And now we're back on the same stage with GODZILLA 2014.  Is it as lame as GODZILLA 1998?  Well, for starters, it doesn't have Matthew Broderick in it playing hero, so that's already a point in its favor.  Don't get me wrong: I love Matty B. since he basically gave his cutie-pie face to the iconic Ferris Bueller, but a monster movie hero, he is most assuredly not.  Of course, to be compeletely fair, the guy who takes his place in this outing isn't exactly any great shakes, either.  More on that later.  

For now, all you have to know about the "plot" of the new flick is this:  a massive earthquake in the Philippines reawakens something under the ground that begins burrowing its way up to a Japanese nuclear plant, where it, I guess, gets caught and is impounded by a bunch of scientists.  Eventually, this thing - which looks like a giant moth fused with a really mean drunk - gets loose and lays waste to most of mainland Japan.  It then makes it way across the Pacific to Honolulu, where it seriously pisses in Hawaii's tourism bowl.  

Oh, and then - proving the theory that everyone has a soulmate out there  - the Giant Moth/Mean Drunk Creature, um, senses another Giant Moth/Mean Drunk Creature  hiding out in the Nevada desert (don't even ask).  The two then begin to move across entire oceans and states towards each other, destroying everything in their path.  Like the Ultimate Booty Call That Will Not Be Denied. 

Oh, and I should point out that the American major (David Straithairn) in charge of the the military response to the creature, has dubbed it a, um, M.U.T.O.   Also known as Massive Unknown Terrestrial Organism.   This guy deserves an Oscar for barking lines like "The MUTOs are coming!" and "the MUTOs are going to mate!" and "Fire all the weapons at the MUTO!" without cheesing up and pissing himself with laughter.  Let's face it, folks: it's not exactly the most dignified acronym.  Maybe it sounds less ridiculous in Japanese.

Anyhow, some of the folks caught up in all this mayhem:  (1) Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), stoic-to-the-point-of-plywood marine lieutenant who makes one pine for Matthew Broderick; (2) Elle Brody (Elizabeth Olsen); perky-to-the-point-of-brain-damage wife of Ford who seriously strains credulity as a nurse; (3) Dr. Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston), crazy-to-the-point-of-sexy doctor father of Ford who obviously didn't pass on the "charisma gene" to his son; (4) Dr. Ishiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe), crazy-to-the-point-of-crazier Japanese expert on monsters who clearly has seen one too many Godzilla flicks; (5) Dr. Vivienne Graham (Sally Hawkins), mellow-to-the-point of useless British scientist who, well, I'm not exactly sure what the fuck she brings to the table here; (6) Dr. Sandra Brody (Juliette Binoche), gorgeous-to-the-point-of-SCHWING! wife of Joe and mother of Ford who, sadly, ain't around for too long (if you know what I mean); and of course: (6) our aforementioned MUTO-spouting American general (the aforementioned David Straithairn).

You're probably are wondering where the hell Godzilla is in all of this.  I mean, considering the movie is only named, you know, GODZILLA.  Well our big bad lizard finally shows up at the halfway point of the movie, understandably upset that he was benched for the first hour of his own fucking showcase - and even more pissed off when he realizes a couple of MUTOs have stolen center stage.  I don't have to tell you that a smackdown of epic proportions eventually ensues - right in the middle of San Francisco, where some seriously over-priced real estate gets bashed into shit by the not-so-friendly threesome.  It's wonderful.

So... who will win the battle between Godzilla and the horny MUTOs?  Will San Francisco be reduced to Third-World nation status?  Who will save the day?  Ford?  Elle?  Dr. Joe?  Dr. Ishiro?  Dr. Vivienne?  Matthew Broderick?  Or will it be - GASP! - will it be Godzilla himself?!!  How will this all end? 

Hopefully, with a bunch of Japanese people running down the street, looking over their shoulders and screaming "GOJIRA!!!!  GOJIRA!!! GOJIRA!!!"

BUT SERIOUSLY:  Quite frankly, the last GODZILLA film before Gareth Edwards' version this year left a lot to be desired.  While there was nothing truly bad about it, per se, it committed a sin that is sometimes almost as bad: it was uncompelling and bland, overall.  For a monster movie, it was remarkably lacking in threat and menace.  Its only saving grace was the likable human presence of Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria, and Maria Pitillo.  Unfortunately, these engaging performers seemed to be in search of a better showcase. 

With GODZILLA 2014, we have somewhat of a reverse scenario:  it is a monster movie full of dread, atmosphere, and moody thrills - but it is weakened considerably by lack of a true human anchor.  Director Gareth Edwards also helmed the wonderful MONSTERS, which skillfully blended humanity with the threat posed by otherworldly creatures trespassing on Earth - all on a less-than-shoestring budget.  When we heard that Edwards had been chosen to direct the latest GODZILLA remake because of his work on MONSTERS, we were very happy indeed.   If he was able to work wonders with a micro-budget, imagine what he might be able to do with a very sizable one? 

Unfortunately, GODZILLA 2014 is only partially successful.  While Edwards bring the same graceful menace (something GODZILLA 1998 sorely lacked) to the proceedings, he is unfortunately saddled with a script that makes some ill-advised decisions concerning its characters.  Specifically, all the potentially-interesting characters are sidelined or killed off early.  Veteran actors like Bryan Cranston and Juliette Binoche get precious little screen time before their characters of Drs. Joe and Sandra Brody are axed.  Meanwhile, Ken Watanabe and Sally Hawkins's characters of Drs.  Serizawa and Graham should've been the leads, but instead are relegated to the back burner and only brought forward for the occasional thankless exposition scene. 

In the lead roles, we instead get two of the blandest, faceless characters to ever grace a big-budget monster movie - a genre already known to be lacking in vivid, distinctive characters.  I can understand why the writers of GODZILLA 2014 chose to use two younger, working-class characters as its leads instead of older, brainy scientists: to make them more relatable.   This is a sound idea, and it certainly worked with MONSTERS as we followed its scrappy photojournalist and adrift heiress protagonists through a war-and-creature-torn Mexico.

However, herein lies the problem with a big-budget film: unlike with a lower-budgeted movie, there is considerable pressure to ramp up the action and mayhem - at the expense of character development and relationship-building.  What made MONSTERS so engaging and unforgettable is the bond that slowly developed between its leads - which paid off poignantly at the end.  With GODZILLA 2014, we don't have the same emotional fulcrum, not even close.  Aaron Taylor-Johnson is robotic as Ford Brody, and he overplays the role's macho "stoicism."  There is never a sense of him being imperiled, and he comes across too often as an "action hero" rather than a human being trying survive.  As for Elizabeth Olsen as Ford's wife, Elle, whom he tries to reach in San Francisco, she barely gets enough screen time to even register as a full character.  Ultimately, they are just not strong enough of an emotional center for this large cinematic canvas. 

It also doesn't help that Taylor-Johnson and Olsen have screen presences that are not strong enough to withstand the enormous scope of this movie.  Too often, they get lost in the rubble and mayhem.  Better to have focused on Cranston and Binoche's characters.  In fact, when we found out that Binoche's role was essentially a glorified cameo, and Taylor-Johnson and Olsen were the actual leads, we began to lose a little interest in this film.  Sure enough, the departure of Cranston and Binoche very early on, as well as the sidelining of Watanabe and Hawkins' characters, and the emphasis on the wan Taylor-Johnson and Olsen as the leads, severely hampers the story. 

Ultimately, GODZILLA 2014 is saved by Godzilla himself.  Compared to the scrawnier version in GODZILLA 1998, this monster is refreshingly robust and stocky - giving the creature a pugnacious determination that is almost endearing.  While some have complained that GODZILLA 2014 is really not about Godzilla, but rather the two MUTOs he ends up battling, we have no problem with the tweaking of the storyline to make Godzilla a good guy.  Having the big lizard be on the side of the humans gives this movie the emotional punch it sorely needs.   The sight of Godzilla swimming just under the surface of the Pacific Ocean, with aircraft carriers escorting him above, is a great one.  The true sign, however, of audience empathy for Godzilla comes in the battle scenes against the MUTOs in San Francisco:  several times, the audience clapped and cheered when Godzilla gained the upper-hand against his two adversaries.  Great stuff.  So is the final shot of a triumphant Godzilla in San Francisco Bay. 

In the end, however, even with its appealingly-revamped title creature, GODZILLA 2014 falls short of being a solidly good movie because of its bland leads.  With the talented Gareth Edwards at the helm, this movie has some real atmosphere and chills - but a weak human anchor.  If only the script had been rewritten to either minimize or completely eliminate the characters of Ford and Elle, and Joe and Sandra (and Ishiro and Vivienne) turned into the leads, this movie could've possibly been the classic we were waiting for.  Instead, it is Summer 2014's greatest disappointment. 

SUMMER MOVIE SEASON 2014

Hello, folks...

With the release of THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 this past weekend, we are officially in the Summer Movie Season.  Please expect the below summer reviews to post as the dog days roll on...  As always, review schedules are subject to change.

Thanks - and have a wonderful May... : )

# 548 - THE OTHER WOMAN

# 549 - GODZILLA

# 550 - MILLION DOLLAR ARM

# 551 - A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

# 552 - EDGE OF TOMORROW

# 553 - THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

# 554 - 22 JUMP STREET

# 555 - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

# 556 - DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

# 557 - GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

# 558 - THE GIVER

# 547 - THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 (2014)

THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2  (2014) ***** out of *****  or 10 out of 10

( Sniff… Someone pass me a tissue....)

CAST:   Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Jamie Foxx, Dane DeHaan, Sally Field, Colm Feore, Paul Giamatti, Felicity Jones, Dennis Leary, Chris Cooper. 

DIRECTOR:  Marc Webb

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some damn good arguments to stick to stay the hell out of Washington D.C. - straight ahead...

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher), one my favorite Bond Girls, once memorably told James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) in TOMORROW NEVER DIES (1997) that his job of being a secret aent is "murder on relationships."  Sadly, our poor, lovely, doomed Paris had no idea just how right she was.  Had she survived TOMORROW NEVER DIES, she could've warned the equally-lovely Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) about the perils of dating someone who battles evil for a living. 

As you folks well know, Gwen Stacy was the heroine of THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN from two years ago.  Now, she's back in THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 - and still dating the titular hero of the story: the, uh, amazing Spiderman.  When he's not wearing a skin-tight blue-and-red spandex costume that emphasizes his small but perfect tushie quite vividly, Spidey walks around in the normal-guy "aw-shucks" guise of Peter Parker (Andrew "Ssssssssmokin'" Garfield). 

If you folks will also recall, at the end of THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN, a dying Captain Stacy (DENISE LEARY), Gwen's cop father, made Peter promise that he would stay away from Gwen - or risk endangering her because of his secret identity as Spiderman.  Judging from the fact that THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 opens with Peter planting a big ol' wet one on Gwen in front of a whole high school graduating class, I think it's safe to say that that Peter ain't paying too much mind to the late Papa Stacy's concerns.

But then a new baddie turns up in NYC.  Last time we had bizarro freak Lizard, AKA, Dr. Curt Conners (Rhys Ifans) who was basically, um, a giant lizard with the intent to turn the entire Big Apple into giant lizards.  This time, we have bizarro Freak Electro, AKA, Dr. Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx) who is basically, um, an electrically-charged asshole who wants to turn the entire Big Apple into a giant cinderbox. 

Then there's Peter's old best pal, Harry Osborne (Dane DeHaan), who is heir to the sinister and mysterious Oscorp - which may be conducting unethical and illegal genetic experiments.  Seems Harry is inching closer and closer to the dark side:  apparently, along with millions and millions of dollars, Harry also inherited a mysterious disease that killed his father and most of this progenitors.  Hence, it's been called "The Osborne Curse."  And Harry will do anything to cure himself - even hurt someone else.  Hence, the "edging closer and closer to the dark side" comment.

Seems like our boy Spidey is going to have a busy summer...

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW:  How will Spideman contend with not just one - but two villains?  Is there anyway to stop Electro?  And what happens when Harry recklessly injects himself with the same mutant spider venom that transformed Peter into a webslinger?  Will Harry turn into another Spiderman?  Or something... much worse?  And how can Gwen stay out of the crossfire?  Does she even want to?  How can she stay loyal to Peter and protect him without getting herself killed, as well?  Gwen, sweetie, learn from Paris Carver's mistakes and you'll live longer...

WHAT WE LIKED ABOUT THE MOVIE:  Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone once again burn up the screen with potent chemistry, are just adorabe as in the first movie.  Their connection and the relationship between the characters they play is emotional engine that powers this film.  Dane DeHaan is terrific as the good-boy-gone bad Harry Osborne.  Jamie Foxx gives a surprisingly vulnerable edge to Electro/Max Dillon. 

WHAT WE COULD'VE LIVED WITHOUT:  This movie is pretty much perfect.  

AND THE "SEXIEST EYE CANDY" AWARD GOES TO:  Andrew Garfield - all the way, baby...

FINAL ANALYSIS:   Just like the first THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN, this movie is a moving, exciting combination of action, thrills, suspense, character, and romance.  Director Marc Webb, as before, anchors the narrative in Peter Parker's emotions.  While the first film stemmed out of Peter's surprise at and growing appreciation of his powers  (as well as his desire to avenge his uncle's death at the hands of a mugger)the second film rests the story squarely in Peter and Gwen's relationship - which was in its infancy before, but fully blooms now.   And because Peter and Gwen are such energetic and vibrant characters, their chemistry lends the same spark to the entire movie. 

Contrast the dynamic rapport that Peter and Gwen have in this film and the last one, with the Peter version played by Tobey Maguire and Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) from the first trilogy by Sam Raimi.  Garfield and Stone (who met and fell in love on the set of the first AMAZING SPIDERMAN and have been dating since) turn the couple they play into a pair that you can't help but adore and get pulled into the fray with.  Maguire and Dunst's duo, however, were such morose drips that the film bogged down everytime that story focused on them.  That doesn't happen in THE  AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 because our central couple are an active, engaging, interesting one.  Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson from the Raimi trilogy were boring in comparison. 

So potent is Peter and Gwen's connection here, that director Marc Webb decided to completely remove Shailene Woodley's scenes as Mary Jane Watson - who  was originally supposed to be introduced in this installment.  Upon seeing the initial rough cut of the movie (including Woodley's scenes), Webb decided that having Mary Jane in the movie detracted from the Peter-Gwen romantic thread - and would have undermined the powerful finale.  He was right.  As much as I love Shailene Woodley and the fact that she was cast as Mary Jane, her presence would have taken away from Gwen's showcase.  With Mary Jane completely excised from the movie, Peter's heartbreak at the end is all the more poignant.  Reportedly, Woodley's introduction as Mary Jane will be saved for THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 3. 

Dane DeHaan and Jamie Foxx are also quite good in their villainous roles.  In keeping with Dr. Curt Connors from the first movie, these new baddies are essentially decent, damaged peope whom circumstances force into awful situations that finally push them past the point of no return.  DeHaan in particular, makes Harry's transformation from laissez-faire rich heir/playboy to the raging, vengeful Green Goblin, both sad and chilling.  Foxx also taps into Electro/Max Dillon's sense of isolation and abandonment that turns into explosive rage.  DeHaan and Foxx do themselves proud. 

Colm Feore, Felicity Jones, and especially Sally Field are all vivid and solid in their important supporting roles, but in the end, this movie is all about Peter and Gwen.  Without Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone's wonderful "cat-and-mouse" chemistry that they lend to their characters, this film would not have been as perfect as it is...

# 546 - CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014) **** out of *****  or 8 out of 10

( Steve Rogers, you look pretty good for a dinosaur.  I guess it helps that Chris Evans is playing you...)

CAST:   Chris Evans, Scarlett Johanssen, Robert Redford, Samuel L. Jackson, Sebastian Stan, Cobie Smulders, Emily Van Camp. 

DIRECTOR:  Anthony Russo & Joe Russo

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some damn good arguments to stay the hell out of Washington D.C. - straight ahead...

IT'S LIKE THIS:  When we last saw Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) in CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGERR, he had just been dug out of the frozen tundra of the Antarctic after being buried in ice for the last, oh, 60-plus years.  He then woke up and found himself smack-dab in the middle of Times Square, which already can be a bit overwhelming to someone born in the modern era - I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to someone who was born when Calvin Coolidge was in the White House.  Stevie must have shat his pants when he was that first towering billboard advertisement.  He was probably like: "What the fuck was is a SONY?"

Anyhow, if you folks recall from the first movie, Stevie was an 89-pound runt who joined the Army during World War II and became part of some super-soldier top-secret program which ultimately led him to becoming... ripped and buff as fuck.  Yup, bye-bye 89-pound runt, HE-LLO six-foot-one 220-pound stud muffin.  PAR-TAY!  Not surprisingly, Steve's new look earned him the moniker "Captain America" and he essentially became Superman, but without that red cape.  He also started a relationship with Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell), who loved him even when he was just that 89-pound runt.  He also lost best pal Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) in the Swiss Alps while trying to defeat the evil organization Hydra.  And then, he was buried in that aforementioned ice pit in the North Pole - and froze his fine ass off for over half-a-century. 

Flash forward to 2014, where we find Steve is trying to adjust to life in 2014.  Not easy, considering every he grew up with is either dead or wearing Depends undergarments.  Then factor in how to use things like the Internet, Facebook, Netflix, cell phones, and those machines in rest rooms that dispense condoms, and you can imagine just how disoriented our boy Steve must feel.   All that, and he also has a challenging job at SHIELD - which is like MI-6 but filled with even more fine-ass people without DOWNTON ABBEY accents. 

Fortunately, several things happen to take Steve's mind off his fish-out-of-water travails: (1) his SHIELD mentor Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is brutally killed; (2) well, that's pretty much it - biit isn't that bad enough?  Let's just say that Stevie may soon be wishing he was back in the square 1940s where the worst he had to worry about was Bucky stealing a girl from him at a dance.  Remember those? 

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW:  Who's behind the murder of Nick Fury?  And why was he killed?  Who can Steve count on to help him find out?  Natasha Romanov, AKA, Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson)?  Agent Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders)?  Sam Wilson, AKA, The Falcon (Anthony Mackie)?  Alexander Pierce AKA Robert Redford (um, Robert Redford)?  And who is the mysterious Winter Soldier who is now terrorizing the D.C. Metropolitan area?   Hmmmmmmm?

WHAT WE LIKED ABOUT THE MOVIE:  The cast is uniformly strong and the story has a nice sense of humor to balance out the taut thriller and action aspects of the script.  Robert Redford is especially compelling as Alexander Pierce, SHIELD's new chief. 

WHAT WE COULD'VE LIVED WITHOUT:  Anthony Mackie's Sam Wilson AKA Falcon isn't used as well as he should've been.  Perhaps he will be showcased better in the next AVENGERS film.   Also, the script is not as gracefully streamlined as the first CAPTAIN AMERICA film, with a few more twists and turns and over-the-top action than is probably necessary.  It's also lacking the solid emotional core that Peggy Carter's romance with Steve provided the first movie. 

AND THE "SEXIEST EYE CANDY" AWARD GOES TO:  A tie between Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan as... The Winter Soldier.

FINAL ANALYSIS:   While not as charming and emotionally-resonant as the first CAPTAIN AMERICA film, this sequel boasts a strong cast and a consistently entertaining (if also a bit over-complicated) ride.   The first film was very reminiscent of old-fashioned adventures like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM - with superhero elements, and was also anchored by a sweet, surprisingly powerful "love that dare not speak its name" romance between Peggy Carter and Steve Rogers. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, however, is set in 2014 and plays like a modern chase thriller, which is entirely appropriate.  However, as exciting as it is, this film just doesn't have the emotional staying power of the first movie.  Largely because we don't explore Steve's inner-workings through his relationship with his love interest Peggy - as we did in the first film.  Here, Steve has no clear love interest.  At various separate points in this movie, it seems like Steve has a simmering something  between Natasha Romanov, Agent Maria Hill, and even his neighbor Kate (played by Emily Van Camp).  However, the script is so focused on the action that it never slows down for any of these mini-threads to blossom into anything meaningful. 

By contrast, CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER was not afraid to slow the plot down to show the growing connection between Peggy and Steve.  All of this careful build-up resulted in an emotionally-powerful climax where Peggy and Steve must say one final good-bye over a radio as his plane crashes into the Antarctic.  In this movie, the one scene between Steve and a now-aged Peggy that could've given the film some gravity is rushed.  As a result, we end up with a thoroughly-entertaining thrill ride with very little heart.  Fortunately, everyone in the cast (especially Redford) is in top form, so it doesn't hurt the film as much as it coud've.  Just enough to keep it from rating as high as the first film. 

# 545 - NOAH (2014)

NOAH (2014) *** out of *****  or 6 out of 10

( Rusty, you will always be my Man - besides Andrew Garfield, of course...)

CAST:  Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Douglas Booth.

DIRECTOR:  Darren Aronofsky

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some damn good arguments to stick to Sunday School versions of your favorite Bible Stories - straight ahead

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Even the most avowed Atheists know about the story of Noah and his ark.  You know... that big-ass vessel he built because of a divine message from, you know, up there?  The message basically came from God, and went a little something like:  "Y'all humans are bunch of backstabbing, gossipy, treacherous, sinning asswipes - so I'm going to wipe y'all off the face of the Earth.  But you and your family are exempt, my man Noah, and you must save all the animals of the world by building a big-ass ark because I'm going to flood the shit out of the world.  Any questions?"

Let's just say that when the Big Man Upstairs gives you a personal memo that reads like the one above, you don't exactly fuck around and lolly-gag.  Needless to say, our man Noah (Russell "I am aging like Fine Wine - emphasis on Fine" Crowe) sets about building said ark with the help of:  1) wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly), (2) first-born son Shem (Douglas Booth); (3) second-born son Ham (Logan Lerman); 4) adopted daughter Ila (Emma Watson); and last but definitely the weirdest: (5) a shitload of craggy rock monsters who were supposedly angels at one point time (riiiiiiiiiight). 

All of Noah's ark-building doesn't go unnoticed to the surrounding locals, especially to decadent, hedonistic King Tubal-Cain (Ray Winstone).  Let's just say that Tubal-Cain pretty much epitomizes the reason God wants to eight-six humanity: he's a colossal asshole.  And sure enough, when all the strange omens and atomspheric anomalies begin to freak everyone out, Tubal-Cain tries to strongarm his way onto Noah's ark.  Except, as we mentioned before, Noah is played by Russell Crowe, who doesn't suffer fools gladly.  Let's just also say that Tubal-Cain kind of gets his ass handed to him. 

Just a wee bit pissed off at being told by Mr. Gladiator, er, Noah to buzz right the fuck off, Tubal-Cain and his followers crawl away and set up camp just outside Noah's crib so they can monitor what's going on.  Soon, however, the rains come.  And come.  And come and come and come and come and come.  And come and come even more.   If I'm making it sound like the Heavens are jizzing majorly onto the Earth, well, that's exactly what it looks like.   Torrential rains don't even begin to cover it.  Anyone see where this is all going?  Good thing Noah Crowe and his posse have an ark.  Ahem.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW:  What happens when the rains don't stop cumming, er, coming?   Will the "Great Flood" that the Big Man Upstairs warned Noah about finally unfold?  Will the Ark that Noah's family (and those bizarro rock monsters) built save them all and withstand the rising waters?  Will Tubal-Cain and the other sinners storm the Ark and try to find a way onboard?  Will Noah just let them all die?   And the most important question: how will the  insides of the Ark smell with a gazillion animals shitting everywhere? 

WHAT WE LIKED ABOUT THE MOVIE:  Rusty Crowe, Jen Connelly, Emma Watson, Douglas Booth, Ray Winstone, and Logan Lerman are one talented (not to mention attractive) bunch.  Crowe is his usual formidably intense self and admirably dives into his portrayal.  Not a surprise.

WHAT WE COULD'VE LIVED WITHOUT:  The whole icky love triangle between brothers Shem and Ham - and their adopted sister Ila.  I guess they rolled differently back in the Old Testament.  And what the hell is up with those wacky rock monsters? 

AND THE "SEXIEST EYE CANDY" AWARD GOES TO:  Crowe.  Russell Crowe.   Like there was ever any doubt.    The man just gets better with age. 

BUT, SERIOUSLY:   The marketing campaign for NOAH has tried to paint in the same light as Russell Crowe's 2000 classic, GLADIATOR.  The casting of Crowe in the title role is also quite inspired as the man is simply unafraid of going all the way in his performances - which is why we love him.  In the end, however, NOAH is no GLADIATOR, despite the trailers and poster campaign.  

NOAH is far too dark and so unpleasant, that there are times that it ceases to become entertaining.   Director and co-writer Darren Aronofsky (BLACK SWAN, PI) introduces such bizarre elements as the rock monsters who are fallen angels and spends an inordinate amount of time emphasizing the borderline-incestuous triangle between Noah's sons and his adopted daughter.   Then there's Noah's obsessive belief that the Creator wants no human survivors and essentially threatens to kill the pregnant Ila's baby when it is born.  All in all, this most definitely not a family movie.

At least the castmembers are all solid and competent.  Jennifer Connelly, who starred with Crowe in 2001's A BEAUTIFUL MIND, is fine as Noah's loyal wife, Naaleh, whose devotion to her husband is severely tested later in the film.  Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth, and Emma Watson are okay as the younger members of Noah's clan, while Ray Winstone delivers another seductive villain in the form of the  treacherous Tubal-Cain. 

Ultimately, though, this movie belongs to its title character and the terrific actor who plays him.  Crowe's brave, intense performance elevates NOAH above the  average mark, and deserves to be seen just for his star turn.  It's not the kind of movie you would want to see again, unless you wanted to see the wonderful Russell Crowe in action.  Had anyone else been cast as Noah, this film would rate an average score (**1/2, or 5 out of 10) at best.