REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Of The Bond Flicks...

Hello, folks...

Hope everyone is enjoying the end of the weekend, wherever in the World you may be. Sorry for the delay in getting the remaining Bond Movie reviews posted. In our efforts to attend both the local Italian Film Festival last weekend, as well as the MLS playoff battle between the Sounders and the Galaxy the day after, we got caught in some inclement weather and I paid for it by turning into a Human Petri Dish. Much better now, but being out of commission delayed the reviews. As of today, we are somewhat caught up.

With the reviews for DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, THUNDERBALL, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE posted, that leaves only ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, LIVE AND LET DIE, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, MOONRAKER, OCTOPUSSY, and A VIEW TO A KILL left to review. All other Bond films have been reviewed during our initial 365 MOVIE REVIEWS IN 365 DAYS run back in 2010-2011, or just recently.

Have a great week, folks... In closing, what better song to choose as our Movie Music Track Of The Week than.... "Skyfall" by Adele, the title theme from SKYFALL.

# 493 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967 - BOND FLICK # 5 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Bond samples Sushi for the first time - ahem...)



CAST: Sean Connery, Donald Pleasence, Akiko Wakabayashi, Mie Hama, Desmond Llewellyn, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Tetsuro Tanba,Teru Shimada.

DIRECTOR: Lewis Gilbert

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some frisky Bond-Jap Chickie antics straight aheadd...



IT'S LIKE THIS: After having explored the Caribbean, USA, and Europe in the first four Bond flicks (DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL), the producers of the franchise probably thought it was high time to set a Bond Movie in Asia - just to have a fresh environment to set the action in. Either that, or they wanted to give James Bond a shot at some Asian poon-tang. How else then should we interpret the opening scene in this movie where Jimbo is about to piledrive a Chinese chick and tells her that "Chinese girls taste different"? Guess this is his first slurping up some, uh, chow mein and soy sauce.

Anyhow, before Bond can get all Sweet N' Sour Freaky with the Chinese chick, he gets killed. Yes, folks... killed. Don't worry, because if he really was dead, this would be the shortest Bond movie - and the shortest Movie Franchise - ever. But since we know a little movie called SKYFALL came out a month ago and is currently cornholing the competition at the worldwide box-office, we know instinctively that our boy Bond hasn't breathed his last. Sure enough, we find out that the "assassination" was an elaborate attempt to... well, whatever. I'm still trying to figure out what the whole production of faking his death was about.

I suppose it was because he didn't like the taste of that Chinese chick, after all, and had his buddies bail him out by "killing" him. You know how you'll have a buddy call you five minutes into a date, and if the dude you're with is a boring lemon, you'll pretend it's some emergency about your cats (ahem) and excuse yourself. However, if the dude is a fusion of Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield, then you'll tell him the truth and say that your dumbass buddy is calling you for some "nookie" because he's feeling particularly "hornely" (a cross between "horny" and "lonely"), but that you have just told him to go fuck himself instead, because there is no way in hell you are walking out on someone who looks like a cross between Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield. In other words, Bond thinks that Chinese chick is a boring lemon - and split, even if it meant he had to go out in a body bag. Damn.

But I digress. Anyhow, no sooner than Bond (Sean Connery) has been revived does he get his new mission, which is to go to Japan - and thwart some bald baddie named Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) from (yawn) taking over the world again. Yes, folks: another week, another dumb shit wanting to take over or destroy the planet. And yet another reason for Bond to go fuck exotic chicks half a world away. Fortunately, it appears that Bond much prefers the taste of Japanese women over Chinese ones, because soon he is slammin' pelvises with Agent Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi), who works for the Japanese secret service. She helps Bond infiltrate the mysterious Osato company to recover some, well, whatever.

However, just to remind Bond that Caucasian pussy ain't exactly something to toss out of bed for eating crackers (bad visual), who should show up but Helga Brandt (Karin Dor), an executive assistant for the head of the Osato company, Mister, uh, Osato (Teru Shimada). She basically flirts with Bond, gets his dick hard, then tries to kill him, which is pretty much the standard relationship arc for this guy in all his movies. I guess sex is better when you know that the only thing keeping the person you are fucking from killing you, is the fact that you haven't made him/her cum HARD yet. Better delay that pleasure, Jimmy boy, if you know what is good for you.

Whatever. At any rate, it doesn't take long for Helga to bite it. I mean, death - not Bond's cock. Although I'm sure that probably happened during foreplay. She dies because her assassination attempt on Bond failed like a condom made out of rice paper. Her boss, Blofeld (Donald Pleasence), does not tolerate failure and feeds her to a bunch of piranhas, who give her the, uh, eating-out of a lifetime. Yes, it's as gross as it sounds, folks. So, this basically leaves Blofeld even more determined to kill Bond and keep him from discovering, well, whatever the fuck Blofeld is hiding.

Before you know it, Tiger Tanaka (Testuro Tanba), head of Japanese Secret Service, gets a tip that some strange goings-on have been, um, going on near an offshore island, but the only way Bond can get on the island is to - oh, yes, you will laugh - pose as a Japanese person. Folks, allow me to enumerate why this shit could never work in real life: (1) Japanese men are about as hairy as eggshells, while Sean Connery is hairier than your hairiest Italian man; (2) Japanese men have small noses, while Sean Connery has a nose bigger than most Japanese men's entire heads; (3) Japanese men have small almond-shaped eyes, while Sean Connery's eyes are so round they could power a couple of lighthouse beams; (4) Japanese men are short and are sometimes mistaken for schoolchildren, while Sean Connery is as big as Paul Bunyon and is often mistaken for Bigfoot; and most significantly: (5) Japanese men (at least back then) treat their women like shit, while James Bond treats his women like... well, never mind.

Anyhow, before you know it, our brainiacs have dyed Bond's hair black, darkened his skin, used mascara to make his eyes look smaller and cat-like, and thrown his body into a full-length robe to hide the fact that he's got more body hair than your basic Guido and housecat, combined. I don't know anyone with a half-functioning pair of eyes and brain that would be fooled by this get-up, but everyone in this movie seems to accept this lumbering 6'2"-tall "Japanese" man who looks like Sean Connery-in-drag without the slightest hesitation. Like I said, whatevs...

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Tiger, that scoundrel, forces Bond into a fake marriage as part of his "cover." As if it wasn't ridiculous enough that Bond is trying to pass himself off as the World's Least Japanese-Looking Japanese Man, he also has to take a bride so that people will accept him even more. Right. Is someone slipping Absinthe in the screenwriter's tea? Pass that shit around. Again, whatever. So Bond fake-marries, ahem, Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama), another Japanese Secret Service Agent to cement his, double ahem, "Japanese" status. That's kind of like Miss Jay from AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL trying to pass himself (herself? itself?) off as, um, James Bond. Pardon me, I just shat myself trying not to laugh.

So... will Bond and Kissy be able to figure out what Blofeld is doing off that island’s coast? Where is Blofeld's secret lair? What is he hiding in there? And why is he so pissed-off, anyhow? How will Bond stop him? Is there really any stopping an angry fat fuck with a lot of money and even more time on his hands? Is this the end of the world, as we know it? Will Bond save the day?

Take a wild guess, brainiacs...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: We're dashing off for a screening, so please excuse the shortness of this review. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is the first film that really begins to take the template established and cemented by GOLDFINGER and THUNDERBALL - and blows it over the top. That is not meant to be a negative. The Bond series have become known, for better or worse, for their larger-than-life feel, and this film really starts to capture that. In comparison, the first four films feel more grounded and realistic. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE ramps up the action and spectacle considerably, giving the film a really epic feel and sleekly futuristic look.

Connery is, as always, terrific. Karin Dor, Akiko Wakabayashi, and Mie Hama are solid Bond Girls. I do wish that Wakabayashi's Aki wasn't killed off so close to the climax of the film. She is replaced in the climax by Hama's Kissy, who is introduced very late in the game the way the series' very first Bond girl, Honey Ryder, was back in DR. NO. Better to have either introduced Kissy much sooner, or keep Aki as the main Bond Girl and have her survive all the way past the end credits. Still, this imbalance doesn't hinder the film much.

Then there's Donald Pleasence as the classic Bond Villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Unlike Charles Aznavour's more polished interpretation in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) or Telly Savalas' more cocky approach in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969), Pleasence turns Blofeld here into a distinctly sinister presence who chills you with a single look. This version of the character is the one that people remember the best and is the one that is often aped and spoofed in films like the AUSTIN POWERS flicks.

Japan, my third favorite country after Italy and Britain, is given a beautiful showcase in this movie, and it's great to see all facets of The Land Of The Rising Sun explored beautifully: sleek cities, rural mountains, and exotic islands. Many folks from outside Japan think only of the glass-and-steel jungles of Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto when they think of Japan. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE shows all of country's beautiful environments: urban, rural, and in-between.

All in all, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is more of a spectacle-and-action driven Bond Movie and less of an espionage-thriller Bond movie, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in this case, it's a very enjoyable thing.

# 492 - THUNDERBALL (1965)

THUNDERBALL (1965 - BOND FLICK # 4 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Bond in a scuba suit - heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!)



CAST: Sean Connery, Claudine Auger, Luciana Palluzzi, Adolfo Celi, Rick Van Nutter, Martine Beswick, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Paul Stassino, Molly Peters, Rose Alba.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some soaking wet Bond-Scuba antics straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I've always said that scuba diving is probably the best sport there is. Due, mainly to three reasons: (1) it's exciting as hell and you always see something new each time you go underwater; (2) you get to see a lot of hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits; and (3) you get to see a lot of hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits. Par-tay! So, given that the Bond Franchise is about activities that are exciting as hell and also about hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits, it's only natural that scuba diving would figure prominently in many of its movies. The first time, however, was in THUNDERBALL in 1965.

After riding Honey Ryder in DR. NO, plowing Tatiana Romanova in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, and curing Pussy Galore of pesky lesbianism in GOLDINGER, Bond decided he wanted to mack on some tropical pussy - and headed over to the Bahamas to get wet. And so for this fourth adventure, we find Bond trying to thwart good ol' SPECTRE again as they try to detonate a nuke off Nassau to kickstart World War 3. Which, frankly, makes no goddamn sense because who would be left to rule and be ruled if we're all reduced to vapor? Whatever. I don't write these things. I just go along for the ride – like a Happy Ending soccer game. It’s like a Happy Ending massage, but even dirtier. Ahem.

But I digress. Anyway, Bond's mission gets complicated by a few folks: (1) Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), jackass who is trying to recover a NATO warhead from a sunken plane wreck offshore; (2) Domino Derval (Claudine Auger), Largo's girlfriend who wonders why the fuck she took up with this asshole in the first place; and (3) Fiona Volpe (Luciana Palluzzi), baddie chick who can't decide whether to shoot Bond - or fuck him first THEN shoot him – or SHOOT him first THEN fuck him. Which is just gross. Fortunately, after three adventures, Bond is getting pretty savvy on this whole secret agent thang and navigates his way through the tricky plot with the ease of a guy who's become an expert at trimming his pubes. And if you scoff at that skill, let me remind just how nerve-wracking it is to have a power razor right next to your dick. Respect, folks… respect.

So... will Bond be able to recover the nuclear warhead from the sunken place before Largo does? Or will Largo and his team of super-duper divers beat him to it? Will Domino discover that Largo actually killed her brother, a NATO official, in order to steal the warhead? Will Fiona fuck Bond - and then fuck him up? Or will Bond beat her to it? And the most important question of all: how hot does Sean Connery look in that scuba suit? Siiiiiiiizzzzzzllllleeee!

Par-tay!


BUT, SERIOUSLY: After setting the tone with DR. NO, establishing roots with FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, then setting the template with GOLDFINGER, the Bond franchise really exploded with the release of THUNDERBALL. To date, THUNDERBALL remains the Bonf Franchise’s highest grossing film, adjusted for inflation. SKYFALL may or may not take that title after it finishes its run, but THUNDERBALL will always be one of the most financially successful Bond movies ever. And it's easy to see why: the series really hit its stride with this movie. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE will always be my favorite Connery Bond movie (my # 2 Bond Movie of all time), but THUNDERBALL is my second favorite Connery Bond movie because of its confident, assured tone and snappy, biting dialogue. Bond has a real edge here that is both alluring and intimidating. GOLDFINGER might have set the template, but THUNERBALL cemented it.

The setting of Nassau, Bahamas is a vibrant backdrop for the plot to unfold against, which is essentially a chase/race against time to retrieve the stolen/sunken nuclear warheads before they are used for nefarious purposes. The underwater scuba diving scenes are all vivid and galvanizing (especially for a film from 1966), and the climactic boat chase is fairly energetic and "modern-feeling" for an older action film. This further serves to remind us just how much the Bond Franchise paved the way for the other action films. They truly were ground-breaking.

As for Sean Connery, by now, the role of Bond fits like a perfectly tailored suit and he moves with grace and ease in it. His exchanges with series regulars like M, Q, and Moneypenny have the ring of old familiar friendships, while his interactions with Bond Girls Domino and Fiona have some real spice. His testy relationship with Fiona Volpe, in particular, is a forerunner to Bond's equally sexy cat-and-mouse games with Xenia Onatopp in GOLDENEYE, Elektra King in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Miranda Frost in DIE ANOTHER DAY, and Severine in SKYFALL.

As for the Bond Girls, well, they may not rank in my TOP 10, but they are certainly vivid and memorable and sit comfortably around #14 and #15. Claudine Auger is the right mix of enigma, strength, and fragility, and in keeping with the Good Bond Girls of the 60's, is more on the passive and vulnerable side, but Auger plays her with such an air of mystery that you can't help but be entranced by her. Conversely, Luciana Palluzzi gives Fiona Volpe just the opposite: an aggressive and deadly relentlessness that is like the flip side of Domino's cool feline allure. As they say, a cat can be both fiery and icy at the same time, and Domino and Fiona appear to be essaying those two different sides. Both actresses to their roles proud.

As for Emilio Largo, he's a solid villain who occupies the mid-range within the Bond Villain pantheon. He may not be as outre and colorful as Blofeld or Max Zorin, nor as complex and fascinating as Elektra King or Franz Sanchez, but he is still a creditable baddie who is equal to the task of being a threat to James Bond and the rest of the world. Adolfo Celi more than holds his own with the rest of the accomplished cast, and turns Largo into a solid villain.

Ultimately, THUNDERBALL really cements the template that the Bond franchise would run with for the next 45 years. It is often overlooked because the first three Bond Movies usually get lavished with attention - but it is more than worthy of being celebrated.

# 491 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963 - BOND FLICK # 2 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) ****1/2 out of *****

(Introducing Bond, James Bond - Her Royal Majesty's Poonhound)



CAST: Sean Connery, Daniela Bianchi, Lotte Lenya, Robert Shaw, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Pedro Armendariz, Eunice Grayson.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some frisky Bond-Russkie antics straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I have a friend who has a serious boner for Russian chicks. His dream is to meet a tall Russian babe with high cheekbones and long legs and pouty full lips and smoldering dark eyes and long flowing shiny chestnut brown hair who will cook borscht and serve caviar for him. If he were a Bond Movie fan, he would know that he should just save his fucking time and settle for your average normal boring American chick. Because if the Bond movies are anything to go by, Russian chicks are a bunch of intense, unpredictable, mysterious, cunning, seductive, devious little whore-bitches who are forever hiding something up their sleeves and keeping their cards close to their chests. Then again, a lot of dumbass guys actually like that.

Whatever. Anyhow, our second Bond adventure finds our boy James (Sean Connery) returning from his first mission in DR. NO to discover that his boss M (Bernard Lee) has got another job lined up for him - and it’s a head-scratcher. It seems that Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi), some Russian cryptography clerk in the Russkie consulate in Istanbul, would like to defect to the West, and is willing to bring some Top Secret Russian spy technology with her. One condition, though: James Bond himself has to be the one to escort her to safety. M and Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) are puzzled that she would ask for Bond by name since they have never met. Bond, however, isn't. Let's just say that when you are Cock of the Block like he is, your reputation precedes you. And so does your, uh, cock.

Before you know it, Bond is meeting Tatiana in Istanbul and, sure enough, she is a major hottie. She reveals to him that she has stolen a Russian spy device called the Lekter Decoder, which is some sort of code-cracking weapon that the US and UK really want to get their hands on. Soon, Bond and Tatiana (or Tati) are posing a man and wife, and board the Orient Express that will travel all the way from Istanbul, Turkey to Venice, Italy. Gee, how will they pass all that train-chugging time, me wonders? Easy: with a lot of loin-slapping time, baby!!!. In other words, they will fuck each other six ways from Saturday. Works for me. Big time. Very big time.

Unfortunately, I must remind you about what we discussed earlier about Russian Chicks being a bunch of intense, unpredictable, mysterious, cunning, seductive, devious little whore-bitches who are forever hiding something up their sleeves and keeping their cards close to their chests. Sure enough, we soon find out that Tatiana is a double agent working for Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya), a former KGB crone who has betrayed Russia and is now working for SPECTRE, which is kind of like the UN or NATO - except they're against world peace and more for world destruction. It seems that Rosa has enlisted Tatiana to steal the Lekter Decoder from the Russian government and give it to her bosses at SPECTRE. And she has also sent her pretty-boy goon Red Grant (Robert Shaw) to tail Bond and Tatiana on the Orient Express - and kill them both at the right time before running off with the Lekter device. Not good, folks. Not good.

But before we go any further, let's talk a little about Rosa Klebb. Technically, she is a Bond girl, because she is a major female character with an important role in a Bond movie. However, I would seriously doubt if Bond would ever fuck her even with someone else's dick tied to a ten-foot pole. Let's just say our girl Rosa is a bit on the plain side. The whole time I was watching FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, I would cringe whenever she would walk onscreen. I mean the girl has potential, but damn - did her mother forget to tell her about the importance of moisturizer and hairstylists? Is Russia really that backwards? I seriously wanted to jump into the movie and be all like: "Girl, what the actual fuck is up with that hair? You're not hopeless, sweetie, but you really have to learn how to use what Mother Nature gave you. Let's tame that frizzy bush and get some tawny highlights in there and slather some Clinique on that skin - and for the love of Nair, who the hell told you that mustaches on women are sexy?"

Whatever. So... how long before Bond discovers that Tatiana has set him up? And what happens when Tatiana finds herself falling for Bond? Will she side with him? Or will Red Grant kill her for betraying Mother Russia? And what about Rosa Klebb? Will she get away with stealing the Lekter Decoder? Will she be promoted within the SPECTRE ranks? And the most important question of all: does she just really need a shopping spree at the GAP and a thorough makeover at the nearest Gene Juarez salon to turn into a good girl? I’ll help her!

Seriously - those shoes need to go...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: After the success of DR. NO in 1962, the second Bond adventure went into production almost immediately. When FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE was released a year or so later, the then-nascent Bond franchise gained even more momentum. This film took the elements introduced by DR. NO - and broadened the scale. Bond's mission is more complex, as is his relationships with the other major characters. The plot is also more serpentine than its predecessor's. What FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE shares with DR. NO is a suspenseful Hitchcockian flavor that would fade somewhat after Sean Connery's departure as Bond in the early-70's.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is also a more serious affair than DR. NO. While the latter didn't have the flippancy that GOLDFINGER and later Bond films would be known for, it still didn't have the same gravity and grit that this second adventure has. In fact, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE has more of a classic Espionage Thriller feel than most of the entries in the Bond franchise. After ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE in 1969, we wouldn't see this "old-school" feel again until THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (which also features a fake-defection-plot) in 1987.

We also meet our heroine much sooner than in DR. NO. Tatiana shows up almost immediately after the opening credits sequence, and her introductory scene with Rosa Klebb establishes her personality with efficient strokes - as it does Klebb's. One of DR. NO's few flaws was how late it introduced Honey Ryder into the action. We didn't meet her until pretty much the third act of the film, and even though the character is more than fine, Honey ends up getting a bit letdown as far a showcase is concerned. By contrast, Tatiana is involved in the thick of things virtually from the word "go," which makes her a stronger heroine than Honey - who ironically is often listed as the Best Bond Girl simply because she was the first. That is a bit short-sighted. Daniela Bianchi also gives a nicely layered performance that feels human and real. She may not be the most kick-ass Bond Girl, but she is one of the most interesting.

Then there are Rosa Klebb and Red Grant, who are two of the top villains in the franchise. Had we had the time to expand our recent TOP 5 Bond Villains/Henchman list to a TOP 10, these two would've made the cut. Lotte Lenya is atypically unglamorous and plain and I have to wonder if this was done to heighten her menace and not make her your typical beautiful female baddie. In any case, it works. There's just something sinister about a woman who appears to be a nondescript cleaning lady - but is actually a deadly Soviet turncoat. Similarly, Robert Shaw makes up for Lenya's lack of glamour by delivering one of the most attractive, menacing, and striking henchmen in the franchise. His fight setpiece with Bond on the Orient Express in now considered a classic sequence and is often the standard by which other close-contact fight scenes in the Bond franchise are modeled after.

To sum up, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is classic Bond, better than DR. NO and most of the other films that would follow. It benefits greatly from a serious plotline, more mature Bond, complex Bond Girl, formidable henchwoman, and fearsome henchman. Few are better than this one.

# 490 - DR. NO (1962)

DR. NO (1962 - BOND FLICK / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Introducing Bond, James Bond - Her Royal Majesty's Poonhound)



CAST: Sean Connery, Ursula Andress, Joseph Wiseman, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Eunice Grayson, John Kitzmiller.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some retro-proto-Bond antics straight ahead....




IT'S LIKE THIS: You'd have to be a formidable psychic to be able to predict that a little action/thriller called DR. NO released 50 years ago in 1962 would kickstart the most enduring and robust film franchise in cinematic history. But that's exactly what happened, folks. This year, SKYFALL, the 23rd James Bond flick, was released and is kicking serious asses and taking down box office records around the globe. It's kind of like meeting a guy who looks average, with a seemingly bland personality, whom you date because you kind of feel sorry for him - only to find out he is a roaring lion in the bedroom who can go for hours and hours like a really horny Energizer bunny. If this keeps up, I may not survive to see the next Oscars. But it will have been so fucking worth it.

But I digress. Anyhow, DR. NO is a pretty good flick - but to think that it would spawn 22 other movies like it spanning the next half-century? Well, that's a bit of stretch. But yet here we are in 2012 with Daniel Craig doing his best to put the memory of Sir Sean Connery to rest. And that memory started with DR. NO, folks. This flick introduces everyone's favorite British Secret Service Agent / World Traveler / Pussy Ravager: Sir James Bond. And he looks an awful lot like Seannie C. At least in this flick. We also get to meet Bond's boss, M (Bernard Lee), as well as gadget geek Q (Desmond Llewellyn) and loyal admirer/secretary Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell). As would be the norm for the series, Bond zips all around the world trying to solve some mystery while also avoiding getting his ass turned into fertilizer by various baddies - while fucking anything with a vagina or even just a moist hole.

However, unlike some future Bond flicks which have plots so complex and byzantine that you would need a UN interpreter, nuclear chemist, dead languages expert, and all-weather compass just to figure it all out, the plot of DR. NO is so simple and streamlined as to almost possibly be cobbled together by my cats Casper, Guido, and their soon-to-be-little brother, Leo.

For the love of edible body oil, I have friends who are flummoxed by the plots of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH and SKYFALL! If I have to tell one more person one more time that Elektra brainwashed Renard - not the other way around - I think I'm going to have to choke someone to death with my thighs. And don't get me started about how they're so confused about Severine and the whole Shanghai assassination scene in SKYFALL: newsflash, folks: she was in on it. Is this honestly so hard to grasp?

Well, anyhow, they will have no problem grasping DR. NO's plot. It might as well have been called DR. SEUSS. Basically Bond follows some leads, fucks some ladies, follows more leads involving radioactive stones (or something), fucks some more ladies, avoids assassination attempts, follows even more leads - before winding up on some thoroughly unappealing-sounding island called Crab Key with his Jamaican sidekick Quarrel (John Kitzmiller). There, they meet the luscious Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress), who basically emerges from the sea carrying some big-ass shells and wearing nothing more than an itty-bitty white bikini. Yes, folks, she is the first official Bond Girl - and she is a fucking hottie.

Unfortunately, Honey was collecting sea shells from the wrong place at the very wrong time, because it appears that Crab Key is the lair of the fearsome... Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman). And he's not too keen on the idea of a British pussy marauder, Jamaican bitch-boy, and white bikini-wearing seashell collector of indeterminate nationality trespassing on his island, thank you very much. So he sends his goons after our heroic threesome. Well, it doesn't stay a threesome for very long, because Quarrel, the dumb shit, gets crispy-fried by one of Dr. No's mechanical dragons (do not even ask). That leaves only Bond and Honey now, who get taken hostage and imprisoned in Dr. No's hideout.

What does Dr. No have planned for our hero and heroine? Will they be able to figure out what Dr. No's master plan is? Will they be able to thwart it in time? What happens when a nuclear reactor in Dr. No's hideout starts counting down to kaboom? Will Bond and Honey get off Crab Key in time? Will they survive to fuck another day? Or is this the end of the Bond franchise?

A-fucking-hem, people...



BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for SKYFALL (review # 489), we talked about how there was no reason to believe that DR. NO's release 50 years ago in 1962 would signal the beginning of the most resilient and successful film series in cinematic history. That's not because DR. NO is inferior in quality. It is, in fact, a very good film. It is just not as larger-than-life or grandiose as successive Bond films would be. Make no mistake, though: while GOLDFINGER and THUNDERBALL would officially set the template that the Bond franchise would use and tweak over and over again, this very first adventure plants the seeds for that template. And that is what has been key to the survival of the Bond empire - its ability to change with the times and adapt to the current trends while staying true to its roots. That is a lot more difficult to manage than you can imagine. But yet the arrival of SKYFALL (and its record box-office take both here and abroad) last month signals yet again that the franchise knows exactly what it is doing - and is doing it very well.

What's really interesting about DR. NO is how it has echoes of Alfred Hitchcock and THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. Bond, Honey, and Quarrel's third-act adventures on Crab Key have the distinct flavor of GAME, and this generates some genuine suspense that you don't find in many later Bond films, which often emphasized over-the-top action and gadgets. As with the best Hitchcockian thrillers, DR. NO is minimalist Bond, and like other minimalist Bond flicks in the canon (CASINO ROYALE, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, SKYFALL, LICENCE TO KILL, ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE), the setpieces are fairly down-to-Earth and believable - which is a key ingredient in generating suspense. You have to be able to imagine yourself in the same scenario. Over-the-top Bond flicks like DIE ANOTHER DAY, TOMORROW NEVER DIES, MOONRAKER, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE may be enjoyable, but I would hardly call them suspenseful.

The cast is top-notch across the board. Heading the group is, of course, the great Sean Connery in what is surely his most iconic role. I would say that 8 of 10 people, if not more, would cite Connery as their favorite Bond - and they have every reason to do so. Connery expertly blends cockiness, intelligence, cunning, sensuality, and uncertainty to such perfect degrees that he turns Bond into a fascinating character. While Timothy Dalton still remains my favorite Bond, Connery and Daniel Craig tie for a close second. Connery would go on to fine-tune his portrayal even more with the subsequent entries, but his debut remains a very strong one and created one of the most memorable screen icons in movie history.

Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Bernard Lee all deliver vividly as the colleagues whom we would get to know just as well as we know Bond. M, Q, and Moneypenny are just as iconic and classic as Bond himself, and with their new incarnations in SKYFALL in the forms of (SPOILER alert!) Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, and Naomie Harris, the tradition is rightfully continuing. These folks are just as important as 007 in the Bond universe.

As for the Bond Villain and Bond Girl, two other vital components of the Bond mythos, the very first ones are equally solid. As the mysterious and deadly Dr. No, Joseph Wiseman underplays gracefully, turning silence and stillness into threatening devices. He eschews the flamboyant bombast that future Bond Villains would adopt, packing much danger and menace in quiet glances, and this serves the character (and the film) well: Dr. No is a strong first baddie in the series.

Then there's the Bond Girl, the innocent seashell collector who gets pulled into the fray, Honey Ryder. There are several types of Bond Girls: (1) The Female Bond, usually a fellow trained agent; (2) The Villain's Henchwoman or Girlfriend, usually a baddie loyal to her boss or a mistress eager to help Bond to topple him; (3) The Technical Hottie, usually a scientist or similarly-trained egghead who becomes Bond's Ally; and finally: (4) The Ordinary Girl, usually an innocent bystander who gets pulled into the mix when her and Bond's paths cross.

The Ordinary Girl is my favorite Bond Girl Type, and my Top 3 Bond Girls are of this kind: Natalya Simonova from GOLDENEYE (she could also possibly be considered a Technical Hottie like Dr. Christmas Jones from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH), Teresa "Tracy" Di Vicenzo from ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, and Kara Milovy from THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. Honey Ryder falls into this category, and like Natalya, Tracy, Kara, and Christmas, she is just going about the humdrum of her daily activities when Bond enters her world and upends everything. While Honey doesn't really have much of a showcase because she enters the action fairly late in the game, she demonstrates a sufficient amount of intensity, spunk, and resilience - and doesn't turn into a quivering damsel in distress even when she is in threatening situations. Ursula Andress/Honey Ryder often top the lists of TOP 10 Favorite Bond Girls for many fans. While they are not in my personal Top 10, they comfortably occupy a spot just outside it at # 11. Good work from Andress which helped paved the way for future heroines in the Bond films.

Ultimately, DR. NO is a very good first entry in the resilient and resourceful Bond franchise. Future Bond films would further expand upon its elements and themes and create the classic Bond Movie template, but this first adventure nicely sets the tone for the series.

# 489 - SKYFALL (2012)

SKYFALL (2012 - ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE / BOND FLICK) ****1/2 out of *****

(That's my boy...)



CAST: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, Berenice Lim Marlohe, Ben Whishaw, Rory Kinnear, Ola Rapace, Albert Finney, Helen McCrory.

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes.

WARNING: Some SERIOUS SPOILERS and seriously kick-ass Bond adventures - straight ahead.





IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember how in our review for GOLDFINGER (review # 31) a couple of year ago I joked about how we really finally needed to have a gay (or gay-ish) villain named Dick Buffet or Schlong Extravaganza? Well, either another one of life's amazing coincidences happened again - or the producers of the Bond franchise owes me some serious money. Because here comes SKYFALL, the 23rd Bond adventure and 50 Year Anniversary Milestone, and its villain is one flaming fucker. He is Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem), and let's just say that there's a scene where Bond is tied up in a chair - and Silva rubs his thighs as if he's getting ready to take those tuxedo pants off and suck Bond dry. Fucking finally...

But before we get to the guy-on-guy action, let's backtrack a bit and do a quick rundown of the problems plaguing 007 and his cronies this time. Seems that M (Judi Dench) has fucked-up a sting operation in Istanbul - and lost a hard drive containing the names of NATO and MI-6 operatives who are embedded as informants/moles in terrorist organizations across the globe. Actually, "lost" would be a bit of misnomer." Hmmm... let's try something else... How about "stolen by a deadly assassin." There, that's much better. I don't have to tell you this is kind of like Heidi Fleiss' little black book being stolen by the National Enquirer.

Predictably, things go south. As in, the following things happen: (1) someone blows up MI-6; (2) someone posts the name of the first five undercover agents on YouTube; and (3) the media pretty much goes apeshit about # 1 and # 2. Oh, and did I mention that Bond has gone missing after the hard drive was stolen? Yep, turns out he was felled by some friendly fire, courtesy of the lovely Eve (Naomie Harris), another MI-6 agent - but presumably one who isn't quite as good a shot as Bond.

Anyhow, Bond eventually resurfaces again and reluctantly goes back to work for "Queen and Country." After some endless physicals and tests, he is finally deemed fit to return to the Spy Game. Thank goodness, too, because it seems like MI-6 has turned into a shambles without him. The trail takes him to Shanghai, where intel has it the thief of the hard drive, Patrice (Ola Rapace), will be making an appearance. Bond tussles with Patrice in a downtown Shanghai highrise - before the latter takes a, um, skyfall out the window. All this is noticed by tall, exotic, Eurasian brunette in an apartment in the highrise across the way. She is Severine (Berenice Lim Marlohe), and let's just say she's a baaaaaaaaaaad girl. Then again, that's how Bond likes 'em.

Sure enough, after a, um, close shave with Eve in his hotel room (don't ask), Bond runs into Severine again at a casino in Macau, where they proceed to exchange what passes for small talk in Bond flicks. Which basically means they pretty much threaten each other. It works, because Severine agrees to take Bond to her boss who is, presumably, the same dickhead who had the hard drive stolen and MI-6 blown to smithereens. After they fuck first, of course.

Which brings us to our homo horndog Silva, who greets Bond and Severine on his hideout island with the same warmth a komodo dragon would greet someone's plump, juicy thigh. Let's just say it doesn't end well for Severine. Bond doesn't fare much better, either, because now he has to put up with Silva basically rubbing up against him like he's the only working space heater left in the middle of Northern Siberia. In other words: "Dude, stop poking me with your boner!"

So... will Silva release the entire list of covert operatives? Or will Bond stop him? And what role does M have in all of this? Is she Silva's true target? Or is she another pawn? Will Eve be able to help? Or will she end up like Severine? A beautiful corpse? And what happens Silva and his goons invade London? How will Bond protect M and MI-6?

Who gives a shit. I just want to know: is there a deleted scene where Bond and Silva fuck the hell out of each other? Because that would be... awesome.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: When DR. NO was released 50 years ago in 1962, there was no reason to believe that, 50 years later, in 2012, the James Bond franchise would be going stronger than ever - with the latest adventure (number 23) SKYFALL being one of the very best. SKYFALL is the perfect film to celebrate 50 years of James Bond excitement - and it reinvigorates the franchise in a way that not even CASINO ROYALE did back in 2006. Quite simply, this movie is dynamite: an emotionally-powerful experience that is also an suspenseful action/thriller ride. Everything is near-perfect here.

Part of the pleasure of watching SKYFALL is discovering it for yourself, and so I revised my earlier review from a couple of weeks ago which was more detailed and pared it down. Going in with as clean a slate is possible is the best way to absorb this film, and critics sometimes have a way of inadvertently spoiling a film by praising it. All I will say is this: this is the Bond film we've been waiting for. Oh, and in keeping with the 50th Anniversary Celebration of the franchise, see if you can spot plot references/homages to the 22 other Bond films spread throughout SKYFALL.

Now - go see it. We've seen it three times now. It is amazing.

# 488 - CLOUD ATLAS (2012)

CLOUD ATLAS (2012 - ACTION / ADVENTURE / SCI-FI / THRILLER / ROMANCE / DRAMA / MYSTERY / COMEDY) ****1/2 out of *****

(Wow... just wow...)



CAST: Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Doona Bae, Jim Sturgess, Hugo Weaving, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy, Jim Broadbent, Susan Sarandon, Keith David.

DIRECTOR: Tom Twyker, Andy Wachowski

WARNING: Some serious mindfucks and "hold-your-pee" challenges - straight ahead....





IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember that saying about how a butterfly flapping its wings in Shanghai can cause a traffic accident in New York - or something like that. Basically, the idea is that the smallest of actions can have far-reaching impacts, greater than anyone could have ever anticipated. Now, that idea is has its own movie: CLOUD ATLAS.

Let me tell you something upfront: you do not want to go to the bathroom while you are watching CLOUD ATLAS. It is one of those movies where almost every single frame contains something vital that sets up something that will pay off significantly much later in the movie. Is it any surprise that the movie's tagline is "Everything Is Connected." Yeah, thanks. No fucking shit. Oh, and did I also mention that the movie is almost three hours long? That's a fucking long time to hold your pee, folks. And guess what? I did. Because I didn't want to miss a thing. No, I'm not going all Steven Tyler on you. I actually fucking hate that song. I actually get ill when I hear it.

But I digress. Anyhow, it's going to be easier for me to broker a World Peace Treaty or find a cure for male pattern baldness than to describe what exactly CLOUD ATLAS is about. But I will try... you see there's this nuclear physicist who looks like Tom Hanks, whose got a huge woody for a journalist/writer who looks a lot like Halle Berry. Oh, wait, before we talk about them, let's talk about the couple who also looks like them from, I guess, the distant future who are trying to contact some spaceship to come pick them up in Hawaii. Oh, wait, wait, before all of that we have some composer dude from the 17th century who has composed a melody called, ahem, "Cloud Atlas" as a tribute to his boyfriend. But wait, there's also another 17th century dude who is sick and sailing across the Atlantic to try to get back to his wife - who kind of looks like a chick from the future who is like some sort of fast food waitress in what has to be the Universe's most fucked-up burger joint. Then there's tubby British agent who gets confined in a retirement home and plots an escape with the other relics around him. Then there's also the British writer who also looks like Tom Hanks, who tosses an asshole book critic over the balcony rail at his party - but not before trading serious googley eyes with a chick who looks a hell of a lot like an Indian version of Halle Berry. Then there's...

Oh, fuck it. I give up. Just watch the goddamned movie. It's pretty awesome.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Put quite simply, there is no movie like CLOUD ATLAS out there. It has joined my TOP TEN FAVORITE MOVIES list. While it's not quite in the TOP 5 echelon that BOY A, ORDINARY PEOPLE, THE ENGLISH PATIENT, REAR WINDOW, and WEDDING CRASHERS occupy, it now comfortably occupies the # 6 spot. And it's largely due to just how breathtaking, dazzling, unpredictable, weird, amazing, exhilarating, pulsating, romantic, suspenseful, exciting, and downright unique it is. Like I said, this movie is one-of-a-kind.

That's not to say that most people will love it - let alone even like it. It is three hours long. It weaves in so many plot threads and so many ideas that you have to pay close attention or you will be lost. It juxtaposes nearly every single cinematic genre. It doesn't bother to explain itself. It just is. And not everyone is comfortable with that. As a moviegoing audience, Americans like to have things broken down for them, and I don't think CLOUD ATLAS will please mainstream audiences for the simple fact that it marches to its own drummer and refuses to reveals its secrets so easily and quickly.

Those who love intelligent enigmas and have strong attention spans, however, will find much to love in this film. Not the least of which are strong performances across the board from everyone in the cast. Everyone hits their mark and that is even more remarkable because most of the castmembers are playing multiple characters of varying nationalities, backgrounds, time periods, and even planetary origin. They are all wonderful and form a beautiful and talented ensemble.

Talented American performers like Tom Hanks, Keith David, Susan Sarandon, and Halle Berry mesh well with British dynamos like Jim Broadbent, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy, Jim Sturgess, and Hugo Waving, as well as with Asian breath-takers like Xun Zhou and Doona Bae. Bae, in particular, is my favorite in this film. There's a scene where one of her characters, Sonmi-351, finds out about the death of a friend - and realizes just then just how much she loved him. The way Bae plays Sonmi's wordless reaction is the textbook definition of "heart-breaking." While all of the threads in CLOUD ATLAS' tapestry are breathtaking, it is Somni's that is the most emotionally powerful.

And that is, in the end, what CLOUD ATLAS is: a tapestry. The pattern may be complex and serpentine when viewed up close. However, when you step back - everything becomes clear. What this film is about is the power of love to keep the past alive, to energize the present - and, finally, to shape the future. To say more, would spoil the beauty of discovering this film for yourselves.

And, like any treasure, it should be discovered.