YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967 - BOND FLICK # 5 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****
(Bond samples Sushi for the first time - ahem...)
CAST: Sean Connery, Donald Pleasence, Akiko Wakabayashi, Mie Hama, Desmond Llewellyn, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Tetsuro Tanba,Teru Shimada.
DIRECTOR: Lewis Gilbert
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some frisky Bond-Jap Chickie antics straight aheadd...
IT'S LIKE THIS: After having explored the Caribbean, USA, and Europe in the first four Bond flicks (DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL), the producers of the franchise probably thought it was high time to set a Bond Movie in Asia - just to have a fresh environment to set the action in. Either that, or they wanted to give James Bond a shot at some Asian poon-tang. How else then should we interpret the opening scene in this movie where Jimbo is about to piledrive a Chinese chick and tells her that "Chinese girls taste different"? Guess this is his first slurping up some, uh, chow mein and soy sauce.
Anyhow, before Bond can get all Sweet N' Sour Freaky with the Chinese chick, he gets killed. Yes, folks... killed. Don't worry, because if he really was dead, this would be the shortest Bond movie - and the shortest Movie Franchise - ever. But since we know a little movie called SKYFALL came out a month ago and is currently cornholing the competition at the worldwide box-office, we know instinctively that our boy Bond hasn't breathed his last. Sure enough, we find out that the "assassination" was an elaborate attempt to... well, whatever. I'm still trying to figure out what the whole production of faking his death was about.
I suppose it was because he didn't like the taste of that Chinese chick, after all, and had his buddies bail him out by "killing" him. You know how you'll have a buddy call you five minutes into a date, and if the dude you're with is a boring lemon, you'll pretend it's some emergency about your cats (ahem) and excuse yourself. However, if the dude is a fusion of Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield, then you'll tell him the truth and say that your dumbass buddy is calling you for some "nookie" because he's feeling particularly "hornely" (a cross between "horny" and "lonely"), but that you have just told him to go fuck himself instead, because there is no way in hell you are walking out on someone who looks like a cross between Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield. In other words, Bond thinks that Chinese chick is a boring lemon - and split, even if it meant he had to go out in a body bag. Damn.
But I digress. Anyhow, no sooner than Bond (Sean Connery) has been revived does he get his new mission, which is to go to Japan - and thwart some bald baddie named Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) from (yawn) taking over the world again. Yes, folks: another week, another dumb shit wanting to take over or destroy the planet. And yet another reason for Bond to go fuck exotic chicks half a world away. Fortunately, it appears that Bond much prefers the taste of Japanese women over Chinese ones, because soon he is slammin' pelvises with Agent Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi), who works for the Japanese secret service. She helps Bond infiltrate the mysterious Osato company to recover some, well, whatever.
However, just to remind Bond that Caucasian pussy ain't exactly something to toss out of bed for eating crackers (bad visual), who should show up but Helga Brandt (Karin Dor), an executive assistant for the head of the Osato company, Mister, uh, Osato (Teru Shimada). She basically flirts with Bond, gets his dick hard, then tries to kill him, which is pretty much the standard relationship arc for this guy in all his movies. I guess sex is better when you know that the only thing keeping the person you are fucking from killing you, is the fact that you haven't made him/her cum HARD yet. Better delay that pleasure, Jimmy boy, if you know what is good for you.
Whatever. At any rate, it doesn't take long for Helga to bite it. I mean, death - not Bond's cock. Although I'm sure that probably happened during foreplay. She dies because her assassination attempt on Bond failed like a condom made out of rice paper. Her boss, Blofeld (Donald Pleasence), does not tolerate failure and feeds her to a bunch of piranhas, who give her the, uh, eating-out of a lifetime. Yes, it's as gross as it sounds, folks. So, this basically leaves Blofeld even more determined to kill Bond and keep him from discovering, well, whatever the fuck Blofeld is hiding.
Before you know it, Tiger Tanaka (Testuro Tanba), head of Japanese Secret Service, gets a tip that some strange goings-on have been, um, going on near an offshore island, but the only way Bond can get on the island is to - oh, yes, you will laugh - pose as a Japanese person. Folks, allow me to enumerate why this shit could never work in real life: (1) Japanese men are about as hairy as eggshells, while Sean Connery is hairier than your hairiest Italian man; (2) Japanese men have small noses, while Sean Connery has a nose bigger than most Japanese men's entire heads; (3) Japanese men have small almond-shaped eyes, while Sean Connery's eyes are so round they could power a couple of lighthouse beams; (4) Japanese men are short and are sometimes mistaken for schoolchildren, while Sean Connery is as big as Paul Bunyon and is often mistaken for Bigfoot; and most significantly: (5) Japanese men (at least back then) treat their women like shit, while James Bond treats his women like... well, never mind.
Anyhow, before you know it, our brainiacs have dyed Bond's hair black, darkened his skin, used mascara to make his eyes look smaller and cat-like, and thrown his body into a full-length robe to hide the fact that he's got more body hair than your basic Guido and housecat, combined. I don't know anyone with a half-functioning pair of eyes and brain that would be fooled by this get-up, but everyone in this movie seems to accept this lumbering 6'2"-tall "Japanese" man who looks like Sean Connery-in-drag without the slightest hesitation. Like I said, whatevs...
Oh, and I forgot to mention that Tiger, that scoundrel, forces Bond into a fake marriage as part of his "cover." As if it wasn't ridiculous enough that Bond is trying to pass himself off as the World's Least Japanese-Looking Japanese Man, he also has to take a bride so that people will accept him even more. Right. Is someone slipping Absinthe in the screenwriter's tea? Pass that shit around. Again, whatever. So Bond fake-marries, ahem, Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama), another Japanese Secret Service Agent to cement his, double ahem, "Japanese" status. That's kind of like Miss Jay from AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL trying to pass himself (herself? itself?) off as, um, James Bond. Pardon me, I just shat myself trying not to laugh.
So... will Bond and Kissy be able to figure out what Blofeld is doing off that island’s coast? Where is Blofeld's secret lair? What is he hiding in there? And why is he so pissed-off, anyhow? How will Bond stop him? Is there really any stopping an angry fat fuck with a lot of money and even more time on his hands? Is this the end of the world, as we know it? Will Bond save the day?
Take a wild guess, brainiacs...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: We're dashing off for a screening, so please excuse the shortness of this review. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is the first film that really begins to take the template established and cemented by GOLDFINGER and THUNDERBALL - and blows it over the top. That is not meant to be a negative. The Bond series have become known, for better or worse, for their larger-than-life feel, and this film really starts to capture that. In comparison, the first four films feel more grounded and realistic. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE ramps up the action and spectacle considerably, giving the film a really epic feel and sleekly futuristic look.
Connery is, as always, terrific. Karin Dor, Akiko Wakabayashi, and Mie Hama are solid Bond Girls. I do wish that Wakabayashi's Aki wasn't killed off so close to the climax of the film. She is replaced in the climax by Hama's Kissy, who is introduced very late in the game the way the series' very first Bond girl, Honey Ryder, was back in DR. NO. Better to have either introduced Kissy much sooner, or keep Aki as the main Bond Girl and have her survive all the way past the end credits. Still, this imbalance doesn't hinder the film much.
Then there's Donald Pleasence as the classic Bond Villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Unlike Charles Aznavour's more polished interpretation in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) or Telly Savalas' more cocky approach in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969), Pleasence turns Blofeld here into a distinctly sinister presence who chills you with a single look. This version of the character is the one that people remember the best and is the one that is often aped and spoofed in films like the AUSTIN POWERS flicks.
Japan, my third favorite country after Italy and Britain, is given a beautiful showcase in this movie, and it's great to see all facets of The Land Of The Rising Sun explored beautifully: sleek cities, rural mountains, and exotic islands. Many folks from outside Japan think only of the glass-and-steel jungles of Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto when they think of Japan. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE shows all of country's beautiful environments: urban, rural, and in-between.
All in all, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is more of a spectacle-and-action driven Bond Movie and less of an espionage-thriller Bond movie, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in this case, it's a very enjoyable thing.
