TERROR TRAIN (1980 – HORROR) ***1/2 out of *****
(I never had this problem on Amtrak before…)
CAST: Jamie Lee Curtis, Hart Bochner, Ben Johnson, Sandee Currie, Derek MacKinnon, DD Winters, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, Howard Busgang, Joy Boushel.
DIRECTOR: Roger Spottiswoode
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously questionably New-Year’-Eve-Party-On-Wheels antics – straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Last month a friend said that he could see me being the president of a Fraternity. With my bizarrely unique sense of humor (his words) my clever resourcefulness (his words), my ability to basically organize anything (his words) and rally a bunch of different personalities (all his words) to work together to a common, utterly fucked-up goal (still all his words), he said I would be ideal to run a frat house. To which I replied: “sounds fun, but no thanks…” My words, this time. Why, you ask? Well, you see, I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that fraternities and sororities are prime targets for psycho killers – and the higher up you are in the house, the greater your chances of being offed – usually in a very nasty way. It’s usually the lowly pleebs and pledges who make it through the night. Of course, they also have a lot less fun, so maybe I should step into a time machine, go back to college, and start my own fraternity – and live dangerously.
Consider our next Halloween review, TERROR TRAIN. It opens with Pledge Week at some unnamed Northern university that looks pretty fucking cold. The frat boys of Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever and their sorority sisters from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol are having a big bonfire which, I guess, is part of the hazing ritual for the lowly pledges. The house royalty includes: (1) Doc (Hart Bochner), so-named because he is planning to go to med school and is one hot mo-fo that I would play doctor with any day, thank you, and is also the frat president; (2) Mo (Timothy Webber), rich dweeb who is basically Doc’s bitch-boy and money-supplier for the house’s endless schemes and shenanigans; (3) Jackson (Anthony Sherwood), token black dude who is like the Pimp Daddy of the house; (4) Ed (Howard Busgang), comic relief dork who should walk around with a fucking court jester hat; (5) Mitchy, doc’s sorority sistah girlfriend; and last but definitely the hottest: (6) Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis), smart good girl who is Mitchy’s best bud.
The party is going along fine, until our six dipshits decide to play a prank on one of the pledges. He is Kenny Hampson (Derek MacKinnon), and he looks like he weighs about 78 pounds – soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Which makes it really questionable when Doc and his gang tell Kenny that some hot sorority babe from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol wants to get it on with Kenny – immediately. Doc tells Kenny that she is waiting in an upstairs bedroom of the frat house. Kenny, being a horny idiot, falls for it like that anvil tied around his neck to boost him up to a higher weight class (namely, 78 pounds). Next thing you know, Kenny is bounding up them stairs to get his dick wet. Too bad it turns out that the “hot chick” waiting in the bed is actually a dismembered cadaver from the medical school’s lab.
Now, folks, if I found out the person I was going to stick my dick into was actually a corpse, I would be understandably repelled and disgusted. Then I would probably punch Doc and his posse in the stomach. But then I would move on and laugh it off over tequila shots – and find a real person at the party to fuck. Life it too short for grudges, folks…
Our boy, Kenny, on the other hand, is of a different mind. Not only does he not laugh it off, he actually freaks out and has a major spaz attack that pretty much gets him thrown out of school and confined in an asylum. Or something. Needless to say, he doesn’t have to worry about pledging to Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever anymore.
Doc, Mo, Jackson, Ed, Alana, and Mitchy, on the other hand, basically get slaps on the wrist from the Dean and proceed their way through the next four years and eventually graduate from that fucking cold Northern University. Doc, being the brilliant and sexy douchebag that he is, decides to throw a New Year’s Eve Graduation Costume Party (what?!?) on a party excursion train. Now, folks, I love costume parties and dressing up for anything offbeat and wacky – but this is a horror movie, after all, and a costume party is always a bad thing in a horror movie.
Sure enough, our nutjob Kenny shows up in disguise and starts offing our six dipshits, one by one, as revenge for getting his dick hard for someone with rigor mortis. Not only that, but Kenny’s looks have changed over the last four years and no one know what he looks like now. Plus, every time he kills someone, he changes his costume, so it’s hard to keep track of where he is. Did I mention that all this takes place on a moving train chugging through the wilds of Canada at night? It’s looking more and more like our “heroes” should’ve RSVP’d no to this party, eh?
So… will Kenny kill everyone who was part of the prank four years ago? Who will he kill next? Doc? Mitchy? Alana? Mo? Ed? Jackson? Will any of the other students get caught in the crossfire? Will the conductor (Ben Johnson) be able to help? Our are our frat heroes pretty much utterly fucked? Will they have to save themselves somehow?
Like I said, Kenny looks like he weighs about 78 pounds soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Just sit on the fucker until his ribs break. That’s what I would do if I was Doc. Problem solved.
STILLS COMING SOON
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the wake of HALLOWEEN’s stunning success in 1978, the floodgates opened to unleash waves and waves of slasher movies on us. TERROR TRAIN was released in 1980 two years after HALLOWEEN, and although it wasn’t nearly as commercially successful as HALLOWEEN, it remains one of the stronger and more atypical entries in this sometimes questionable sub-genre. The film gains a lot of mileage from its unique setting (that moving train) and the genuinely clever gimmick of having the killer don the costume of each successive victim as he quietly moves his way through the party. This bit creates genuine suspense as it become clear that he can strike at anytime – and anywhere.
Props must also be given to director Roger Spottiswoode and his writer for bringing a sleek, professional sheen to the film, and giving us likable characters who don’t feel like stereotypes. Doc, Mo, Jackson, and Ed all come across as fun guys you’d find in any fraternity, which vivid distinctions between them. Doc is the handsome, clever, confident ringleader; Mo is the rich, submissive, right-hand money man; Jackson is the goofy, sexy ladies man; and Ed is the sarcastic, wacky comic relief. Hart Bochner, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, and Howard Busgang not only make these guys all believable, but also believable as friends.
The female characters are equally nuanced. In these movies, you often have the “good girl” and the “slutty bitch”. What’s great about Alana and Mitchy, though, is how they are not so easy to pin down. While Alana seems to be the more level-headed of the two, she is also a lot more intense and less easy-going than Mitchy. The more seductive Mitchy, on the other had, avoids falling into the trap of being the “slutty bitch” by always having a smile on her face and always being sweet to everyone. It also helps that the actresses who play them, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sandee Currie, have a very strong sisterly vibe about them. Their connection has the believable echo of many close female friendships in real life. This pays off very well in the last half of the film when both women are placed in mortal danger. Bottom line: TERROR TRAIN works as well as it does because its characters are so engaging and mesh well with each other.
Screen veteran Ben Johnson lends some welcome old-school presence and gravity as the conductor who becomes Alana’s valuable ally in tracking down Kenny and stopping his killing spree. TERROR TRAIN also generates suspense early on by making the conductor the first to suspect that something is wrong, while the students blissfully party on. Johnson makes for a very welcome unexpected hero, and his presence helps give TERROR TRAIN an unexpectedly classy sheen. Magician David Copperfield also has a nice-sized role as a party magician who may or may not be a more polished version of Kenny now. Copperfield has not acted in many films, and while he is essentially playing himself here, he does so with flair and charisma, further elevating this movie above others in this sub-genre.
In the end, TERROR TRAIN is worth the ride. It’s scary, suspenseful, and – yes – fun. What more could you ask for in a horror flick from the early 80’s?
