THE FOG (2005 – HORROR / REMAKE) ** out of *****
(I can’t see a goddamn thing… but that might be a good thing here)
CAST: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Selma Blair, Deray Davis, Rade Sherbadja, Adrian Hough, Sara Botsford.
DIRECTOR: Rupert Wainwright
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one thoroughly misguided remake – straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: You know how you hear some news that first sounds great but then, ever-so-gradually, you start to get the sinking feeling that the whole thing may not be such a hot idea, after all? Well, that’s exactly how I felt when I first heard that John Carpenter’s horror classic THE FOG (review # 232 ) from 1980 was being remade. At first, I was like “Fuck, YEAH!!!” because it is my favorite horror film of all time, for reasons we will discuss more in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of our review. Most movie fans usually are not too keen on seeing their favorite flicks remade, but I am not one of them. I am usually tickled pink because not only will the original film receive the attention of a new generation, but a remake basically allows the same story to be told from a different angle.
However, as THE FOG 2005 neared its release date, my expectations started to drop as fast as my inhibitions about dancing half-naked on a table in an Oahu night club after the ninth shot of tequila. It was hard to pin down exactly why, because the trailers and teasers looked fine. Rupert Wainwright who helmed the interesting EXORCIST-type entry STIGMATA was directing. The cast was peopled by such familiar and reasonably-talented faces as Tom Welling from SMALLVILLE, the wonderfully quirky Selma Blair, and a winsome, pre-TAKEN Maggie Grace.
Then the movie came out. And let’s just say I kind of felt like the way Stephen Rea’s character must have felt in THE CRYING GAME when he was preparing to fuck Jaye Davidson’s character senseless, only for him to find out that the she was actually a guy who really passes as a girl – and has an even bigger dick than him. In other words: Biggest. Fucking. Disappointment. EVER. No pun intended. We will go into the particulars in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of this review. For now, let’s breakdown the “plot” of this steaming pile of mediocre shit.
As with the original THE FOG, the movie takes place in a small coastal community. In the 1980 original, it was Antonio Bay, California. In this “remake,” it is Antonio Island, Oregon. Which is already one strike against this flick because, let’s face it, California is a much more swinging place than Oregon. Anyhow, as with the original, the town is about to celebrate its centennial anniversary. As with the original, these celebrations include honoring the noble founding forefathers for organizing the township charter. As with the original, the noble founding forefathers turn out to be a bunch of sketchy, murderous, lying, greedy, sleazoid fuck-tards who secretly butchered a bunch of rich lepers in the middle of a foggy night and stole their money to launch the township. And, as with the original, the fog returns on the night of the centennial celebration, bringing the ghosts of the dead lepers for one long night of bloody payback.
And that, folks, is where the similarities between the two films ends with such a spectacular crash. Because even though we have here essentially the same group of imperiled characters here as in the original, you won’t give a flying reverse cowgirl missionary doggie-style fuck about who lives and who dies in this flick. Unlike in THE FOG 1980, I was rooting for those leper ghosts to unleash can of kick-butt on these “heroes” – who are all pretty and cute, but about as distinctive and interesting a soggy cardboard box left in the rain. In fact, every single time any of these idiots came in close proximity to that evil, sentient fog bank, I started to chant: “Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! DIE ALREADY!!!” I’m not even going to list the main players because they’re all pretty much as vivid and memorable as The Smurfs. Actually, that might be an insult to the Smurfs – who are actually more complex and layered creatures.
So… bottom line: go see the THE FOG 1980 instead. ASAP. And use the DVD for THE FOG 2005 as a beer coaster. Or a paperweight. Or a frisbee.
STILLS COMING SOON
BUT, SERIOUSLY: When I first heard that the original THE FOG was being remade while I was still living in Italy back in 2004, I was quite happy. THE FOG 1980 is my favorite horror film because of the poetic, imaginative way that writer/director John Carpenter (HALLOWEEN, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE THING, PRINCE OF DARKNESS) created a gradually building atmosphere of dread and doom – and also because of how he took a potentially hoary premise (a supernatural fog with vengeful ghosts inside) and made it scary and chilling.
Also, while most movie fans are averse to remakes of their favorite films and object to them, I actually welcome them. Not only does a remake signal the worthiness of the original and allows a new generation of filmgoers to discover it, it also allows the same story to be given a different spin. Most remakes change something to “update” the story or view it from a different perspective. Consequently, a remake also serves a historical purpose, as well, by reflecting the time of its production. With this in mind, I prepared myself for some changes to the original story of THE FOG to be in accordance with current horror movie norms – such as: a younger cast, more technology, and a faster pace.
Even with that in mind, though, I was not prepared for just how much THE FOG 2005 fails as not only a remake to a horror classic like THE FOG 1980 – but also just as a standalone film. This film, put simply, is awful when compared to its accomplished forebear. When viewed on its own, it is just a tad better, rising to the negligible level of mediocre (**). The main problem is this: Carpenter knew that, with such a potentially silly idea as this, he had to approach the story with a subtle and understated hand that downplayed its weaknesses and heavily highlighted its moody and eerie assets. However, the remake’s director, Rupert Wainwright, unfortunately takes a heavy-handed and borderline-bombastic style that destroys any chance of taking anything seriously or being frightened by it. His over-reliance on CGI and repetitive shots of people being thrown by the ghosts through windows cannot compare with Carpenter’s “hand-made” and far more frightening set-pieces from the original.
Another reason I love THE FOG 1980 is how real its characters come across. That movie was very much an ensemble film, and we got to know a diverse group of characters as the real nature of the fog (and the crime behind it) was gradually revealed as night approached. Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Atkins, Janet Leigh, Nancy Loomis, and Hal Holbrook all gave us characters who felt authentic and were therefore worth being concerned for. THE FOG 2005, however, recasts the lead roles with actors and actresses who have given stronger work elsewhere – but simply do not bring their A game to their parts here. Tom Welling is a very handsome guy, and as Clark Kent/Superman in SMALLVILLE he is a very compelling presence. Here, however, he is bland and just not believable as Nick Castle, a fishing charter business owner. From Nick’s very first line (“This is God’s country, boys!”), you never lose the sense of an actor just saying lines – rather than a full-blooded character speaking from his heart, unlike Tom Atkins with the same role back in 1980. Same thing goes for Adrian Hough, whose take on a character made memorable and distinctive by Hal Holbrook in the 1980 version is sadly forgettable. Father Malone commanded attention in THE FOG 1980 just by walking into the room. Here, he fades into the background, which is not how it should be.
As for the women, they are just as unremarkable. Maggie Grace does the best with her expanded role of Elizabeth Solley, and this decision to make Elizabeth’s role bigger and have her try to solve the riddle of what happened over a century ago is what gives THE FOG 2005 what little suspense it has. Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s storyline predictably leads to a capper that is more silly than chilling – and thoroughly destroys what little plausibility the film has. As mentioned before, John Carpenter directed THE FOG 1980 with the correct assumption that a subtle and more low-key approach would keep things believable. Wainwright, on the other hand, pulls out all the stops and turns the movie into a ridiculous carnival ride that ultimately goes nowhere.
The film’s biggest disappointment, however, is how it portrays the character of Stevie Wayne, the radio deejay who, in the 1980 original, was the first to become aware of the growing menace and threat that the fog posed for the community – and risked both her life and her son’s life to warn the townspeople. Adrienne Barbeau played her with pitch-perfect precision, balancing dry humor, modesty, cockiness, smarts, guts, and vulnerability. Stevie Wayne is one of my favorite movie heroines, and no one can top Barbeau’s interpretation of her. With that in mind, I knew whoever played her in the remake had some big shoes to fill. The best I could hope for was that the performance would be reasonably good. I was not prepared for just how disappointing it would be. Selma Blair is a talented actress, and while she has the hip, edgy look of a radio deejay, she doesn’t deliver on Stevie’s emotional complexity - which Barbeau nailed so well. It doesn’t help that the expansion of Elizabeth’s role also reduces Stevie’s part in the remake. As a result, we don’t have the same vicarious sense of building dread that we got from Stevie in the original. In the end, the decision to scale back Stevie’s part conxiderably and make this more of a showcase for Elizabeth is what ultimately does this film in, despite some initial promise.
In the end, THE FOG 2005 will go down in the annals of movie history as one of the most disappointing horror remakes ever. To see a horror film that understands the art of building mood, atmosphere, and terror from so little, see John Carpenter’s THE FOG from 1980. To see how NOT to make a horror movie, original or remake, see THE FOG 2005.
