(Should’ve just stayed in the dorms, dipshits…)
CAST: Emma Bell, Kevin Zegers, Shawn Ashmore, Ed Ackerman, Rileah Vanderbilt.
DIRECTOR: Adam Green
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and pretty strong arguments for staying the hell off the ski slopes - forever - straight ahead.
When I was living in Japan, I thought about taking up skiing and snowboarding. I lived in an area that was known for its winter sports, and since I’m a big fan of the outdoors, I thought I might as well try explore that particular frontier. True, I’d much prefer to be gliding over a coral reef, hiking a trail, or speeding along on a mountain bike. But if you’ve got nothing but snow around you for most of the year, might as well make the best of it. Right?
Wrong. I spoke to a friend who worked at the local physical therapy clinic - and my plans to learn how to shred the slopes hit a screeching halt. She told me that about 80% of her clients were folks who’d injured themselves in one way or another on the slopes. She told me some ghastly stories that made my testicle recede into my pelvis. And these clients were experts who had been skiing and snowboarding for years. What chance did a moron like me who can’t even ice skate have against breaking all of my limbs on the bunny slopes?
Needless to say, I went back to hiking, mountain biking, and road-tripping on weekends. I’d rather get injured doing something I actually enjoy doing. And so, the frontier of skiing and snowboarding is one area of the outdoors that will likely remain unexplored for me for the foreseeable future. If not, eternity.
Good thing, though, because had I decided to actually learn how to ski or snowboard, in addition to grievous bodily harm, I probably would’ve done the damn-fool thing that the protagonists of our latest film review decide to do: arrogantly bribe a ski-lift operator into letting them get on the lift at the end of the evening for one last run down the slope. Problem is they end up getting stuck half-way up, a hundred feet off the ground, with the temperature dropping and their nerves fraying. And the ski resort shuts down, thinking everyone has gotten off the slopes.
Oopsie.
Our three dipshits are: (1) Parker (Emma Bell), sweet and winsome chick who is dating (2) Dan (Kevin Zegers), smooth and confident dude who is best friends with (3) Joe (Shawn Ashmore), rough-edged bad-ass who's actually quite sensitive. It’s Dan’s idea to slip the ski-lift operator a hundred bucks to let them get on and off as they please. Which would be fine, had they decided to quit while they were ahead.
But, nooooooooo…. They decide to go for one last run at the very end of the evening. Pulling major googley eyes on the ski-lift operator, the trio rejoice when the lunkhead actually falls for it and says “okay.” Unfortunately, through a series of events so fucked-up it’ll make you distrust ski-lift employees until the end of time, the resort shuts down - thinking that everyone has gotten off the lifts.
After the lift grinds to a halt with their feet dangling a hundred feet above the slope, Parker, Dan, and Joe think that the machine is just malfunctioning. Unfortunately, the following happen in rapid succession: (1) the slope lights go dark; (2) the temperature starts to drop even lower; and (3) they begin to snipe at each other out of terror. To make matters worse, the ski resort is only open on weekends. Given that it is Sunday evening, our trio of heroes are going to be stuck up there for over five days until the resort re-opens.
Double Oopsie.
Will our heroes freeze to death? Will someone realize that they’re still trapped on the lift and rescue them? Or will they have to save themselves? Who will brave a leap to the slope below? Who will try to swing along the cable to reach the ladder on a pole nearby? What about the wolves congregating below? Even if Parker, Dan, and Joe make it to the ground, will the wolves just make mincemeat out of them? Why didn’t these idiots just go to a bar and play quarters? At least they wouldn't have to worry about wolves and frostbites. Just mean drunks and pool sharks...
Let’s just say that if I ever get the hankering to learn how to ski or snowboard (which I highly, highly doubt), all I have to do is pop this DVD in to make the urge go “Arrivederci.”
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Lean, gripping, and suspenseful, FROZEN actually delivers the goods. Although people have told me that this type of thing would never happen, the sequence of events in the film that lead to Dan, Parker, and Joe being stranded on the ski-lift is distressingly believable. So much so, that this film is difficult to watch at times.
The characters are given just enough depth and shading to invest us in their situation. Parker is meant to be your average girl-next-door, and Emma Bell expertly plays her that way. Kevin Zegers is his usual reliable self as the coolly confident Dan who likes to be in control of a situation - but may have found one that he can’t handle. Shawn Ashmore is ideally cast as the Joe, the “bad boy with a good heart."
Out of the three characters, Joe is probably the most complex. The script gives him an opportunity to meet a cute skier, Shannon (Rileah Vanderbilt), right before that last fateful trip up the slope. This brief, simple, but effective scene ratchets up our concern for his survival: we want him to get an opportunity to pursue this promising relationship. How messed up is it to meet a kindred spirit - then get trapped in a life-or-death situation that just might prevent you from seeing her again?
Such is the cruel nature of life, sometimes, and that is the tone FROZEN takes. It’s a solid effort that is unrelenting, harrowing, and unpredictable. And it will linger with you once it is over. So will the desire to never get on a ski lift ever again. Ever.
