(You guys were just asking for it with that title…)
CAST: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Donald Sutherland, Alexis Dziena, Ray Winstone, Ewen Bremner, David Roberts, Kevin Hart, Malcolm Jamal-Warner.
DIRECTOR: Andy Tennant
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and decent scuba scenes barely making up for a barely-decent film - straight ahead…
Our last review was INTO THE BLUE, the 2005 action/thriller about four scuba divers who stumble upon sunken treasure - and become endangered because of it. Our next review is FOOL’S GOLD, the 2008 action/romantic comedy about two divers who stumble upon sunken treasure - and endanger the audience with endless bickering and griping.
Our treasure hunters this time are Finn and Tess Finnegan (Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson), a couple of the verge of divorce. Apparently, Ben is one of those guys who is so good in the sack, he can get any girl to marry him, despite being kind of a tool in all other respects. All he has to do is make her cum like Mt. Etna erupting, and she’s all his, baby.
Which, apparently, is how he convinced to Tess to marry him two years ago. However, our boy Ben has either started to perform considerably less well in the “sweaty-monkey-sex” department, or Tess is just tired of his bullshit. Either way, she’s decided to divorce his tanned-and-toned ass and move on to, I guess, boring guys who are really lousy in bed. And as our story opens, Finn’s just blown up the salvage boat that they both own.
Which is totally a bad thing, considering they’re in the process of divvying up their assets as part of the lovely ritual of “this mine, that yours, and you can forget about THAT!” And, evidently, Tess was planning on fixing up that boat, selling it, and using the money to pursue a Ph.D. That’s really admirable, sweetie. But let me just remind you that Ph.D’s are offered by almost every university. However, guys who know how to, ahem, “take you around the world” are rarer than you think. Your call, dear.
Anyhow, Tess reacts to the news that Finn’s destroyed their boat with the same calm composure as Mama Bear being told by Mr. Forest Ranger that he sold Baby Bear to the local zoo. Let’s just say Finn becomes intimately acquainted with the business end of a really heavy club. Wielded by Tess like she’s Joe DiMaggio - and Finn’s head is the world’s biggest baseball.
Safe to say that this isn’t one of the more amicable divorces in the history of American family law. But being a romantic comedy (or at least half of one), FOOL’S GOLD will eventually re-unite these two. So that Finn can rock Tess’s world yet again.
Unfortunately, FOOL’S GOLD is not just a romantic comedy (or at least half of one). It is also some sort of action film. Or at least half of one. Turns out that Finn and Tess had been chasing the legend of some Spanish ship from the 17th century that was lost in a hurricane. Apparently, some Spanish king was so horny for his bride-to-be that he ordered his armada to sail right through the storm to get home in time. All I can say to that is, “Damn. That chick must be Finn-With-A-Vagina. Otherwise, I don’t see why he can’t just wait or just, you know, jerk off like a champ.”
Whatever. The point is Finn and Tess are after the treasure from one of the ships that sank in the hurricane. Sadly, because Finn-the-jackass destroyed their salvage boat and equipment, they’re going to need some help. Fortunately, Tess works as a steward for a billionaire’s yacht. Said billionaire is Nigel Honeycutt (Donald Sutherland), who turns out to be more than willing to finance his employee and her ex-husband’s crazy underwater exploits.
Things ain’t going to be that easy, though, because Finn’s former employer, Big Bunny (Kevin Hart), also knows about the treasure and is after it himself. And I’m not going to even go into why he’s called Big Bunny. Long story. Not worth it. Anyhow, BB enlists the aid of another treasure salver, Moe (Ray Winstone), and they conspire to beat the Finnegans and crew at their own game.
Who will find the treasure? Finn and Tess? Or Big Bunny and Moe? Why is Nigel being so generous with his time and money? Is it because he sees Tess as the daughter he never had? Will his involvement get him killed? How do people take Big Bunny seriously with a name like that? And the most important question of all: did Matthew McConaughey forget how to wear a T-shirt?
Well, If I had pecs like that I’d probably walk around without a shirt either. He seriously needs to stop waxing that chest, though. Seriously. Enough with the man-scaping!
BUT, SERIOUSLY: There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says, “The person who chases two rabbits, eventually loses both.” That proverb might apply to FOOL’S GOLD, a movie appropriately titled if there ever was one. The movie tries to be two things at once: (1) a snappy romantic comedy, and (2) a zippy action flick. Obviously, the intent was to ape 1984’s classic ROMANCING THE STONE with Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. Sadly, despite a game cast, the results are quite tepid. In short, FOOL’S GOLD fails to be either a snappy rom-com or a zippy actioner.
The cast does its best with their various roles. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson struck gold with 2004’s HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS, and obviously their pairing was another hopeful stab at generating the same fizzy chemistry they generated in that film. Unfortunately, while they do have some spark in FOOL’S GOLD, it’s not of the same wattage as their first collaboration. They seem more like an affectionate brother and sister, instead of lovers who can’t live with each other - but can’t live without each other, either.
Had McConaughey and Hudson’s chemistry been stronger this time around, the romantic comedy side of the plot might have been spicier, and possibly compensated for the mediocre action thread. Unfortunately, it’s just as weak.
For the right way to put this kind of film together, check out ROMANCING THE STONE and THE JEWEL OF THE NILE (1985). The chemistry between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner was strong enough to paper over any flaws in the plot.
Which proves what I’ve always said: sometimes, chemistry, can make or break a film. In the case of FOOL’S GOLD, it wasn’t quite enough to make it.
