(Thank goodness for those Eye-talians and their soccer genius, or this movie would totally bite it….)
CAST: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Mike Ditka, Kate Walsh, Dylan McLaughlin, Josh Hutcherson, Musetta Vander, Francesco Liotti, Alessandro Ruggiero.
DIRECTOR: Jesse Dylan.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and an overcaffeinated Will Ferrell straight ahead…
Italy loves football (AKA soccer). That is a fact. Italians themselves say that football is not just a passion for them, but a tradition. Just like pasta, art, wine, and Giorgio Armani. Italians both in Italy and abroad look to football almost as a symbol of their motherland. While many say that Britain is the birthplace of modern football, there are those that say the sport actually originated from the 16th century Italian game called calcio which would be played in public squares in Florence.
Italy’s hunger for football is reflected in the number of times it has claimed the World Cup. In 1934, 1936, 1982, and 2006, Bella Italia nabbed that most prestigious award possible for a national football team. Only Brazil trumps Italy for sheer number of World Cup wins: five to four.
Bottom line: football is in the blood of Italians. And Italians are known the world over for being exceptional soccer players. Further proof lies in our latest review, KICKING AND SCREAMING. Right now you’re probably wondering what the hell Italy has to do with a movie starring Will Ferrell. To which I say, “Patience, young Jedi… patience…”
Ferrell plays Phil Weston, a milquetoast Beta-Male of the highest order. He’s not so much mild-mannered and diffident as he is a “Walking Example of What Can Happen To Your Son If He Reads Too Many Issues of GOOD HOUSEKEEPING As A Child.” Yup, Phil is pretty much neutered, and its amazing that his wife Barbara (Kate Walsh) doesn’t trade him in for someone with more testosterone. Like, say, Uma Thurman.
Anyhow, Phil and Barbara have a young son named Sam (Dylan McLaughlin). Sam is on a soccer team coached by Phil’s over-competitive Alpha-Male father, Buck (Robert Duvall). If you’re wondering how this movie can ask us to accept that such as limp rag like Phil could ever spring forth from the sperm of someone so virile as Buck, well, take a fucking number.
At any rate, Buck’s over-competitive streak rears its vicious head when he decides to trade Sam to the lowest-ranked team in the league. Outraged that Buck would cut his own grandson for the sake of winning, Phil ends up coaching Sam’s new team, the Tigers. And let’s just say that these kids aren’t exactly future contenders for the World Cup. Needless to say, our Beta-Male hero has got his work cut out for him.
Sure enough, the Tigers pretty much prove why they’re lowest-ranked in the league. To say that they suck would be an insult to all things around the world that suck. Hell, I think I play soccer better than these ragamuffins - and that is saying something. Even when he gets coaching help in the form of his Dad’s new neighbor and nemesis, Mike Ditka (Mike Ditka - yes, he’s playing himself - don’t ask), Phil is still stuck up shit creek without a paddle. Or without a decent goalie. And since the Tigers are scheduled to face off against Buck’s team in a few weeks, that’s a problem.
And this, folks, is where the Italy part of the story comes in. See, one day Mike takes Phil to an Italian butcher shop where they notice two Italian kids, Gian Piero (Francesco Liotti) and Massimo (Alessandro Ruggiero), expertly kicking around a wad of paper like it’s a soccer ball. Dazzled, they plead with the boys’ uncle, Umberto (Joseph Sicari), to let them play soccer, er, football, er… you know what I mean.
At any rate, Umberto eventually agrees… and just like that, the Tigers actually stand a chance against the rest of the league. In fact, the first time Gian Piero and Massimo hit the field, everyone just stands there gaping at them as the two Italians (or “Eye-talians” according to Mike) maneuver the ball like young versions of Fabio Cannavaro or Gianluigi Buffon. In other words: THEY SHOOT, THEY SCORE!!!!
Yup. As you can imagine, the Tigers’ new game strategy becomes: “Pass the ball to the Eye-talians!”
It’s at this point that the Tigers actually start to get better and better. But are Gian Piero and Massimo enough to make up for the rest of the slugs on the team? Can all the Tigers get good enough to beat Buck’s team? Or will they get summarily trounced? Will Phil and Buck ever reconcile? Or will they continue to behave just as maturely as the kids they’re coaching? What the hell is Mike Ditka doing in this movie? Couldn’t he have taken up gardening instead?
Whatever. Just watch out for the scene where Phil discovers the wonders of, ahem, drinking coffee. It’ll make you think twice before working as a barista.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Saying it up front: the only reason that KICKING AND SCREAMING avoids scoring less than **1/2 (average) and becoming mediocre or even utter crap are the surprisingly engaging soccer scenes. Especially when Gian Piero and Massimo join the team. The actors playing them have a fluidity and grace with the ball that is both kinetic and hypnotic in equal measure. Supposedly, Alessandro Ruggiero and Francesco Liotti were brought over from Italy to play these roles. The result is great: the final soccer match is breathtakingly exciting.
Thank goodness, too, because the film is weak in all other departments. As a comedy, it is very uneven. While Will Ferrell can be brilliant and hilarious (as in THE OTHER GUYS), he can also be grating and obnoxious when he’s not in his groove. Most of the time in KICKING AND SCREAMING, he isn’t in his groove and is only sporadically amusing at best. Particularly cringe-worthy are the scenes where he experiments with drinking coffee and when he has panic attacks from recollecting his difficult childhood with Buck. Ferrell and the script try to milk these scenes for laughs, but it’s futile.
Also, the central conflict between Phil and Buck is never adequately explored, or satisfactorily resolved. Ostensibly, this is a kiddie comedy and not a deep meditation on father-son relationships, but we still need a real sense of the connection (or lack of) between them to understand Phil’s motivation to try to beat his own father and his team at soccer. Whatever potential identification there is with Phil’s dilemma is squashed by Ferrell’s over-acting. Duvall doesn’t fare much better, as his character is basically a one-note jerk.
So, once again, it comes down to those soccer scenes. Whenever KICKING AND SCREAMING moves to the field, with the Tigers being led by Gian Piero and Massimo to little-league victory, the movie comes alive and becomes better. Unfortunately, we spend more time off-field with the bickering parents and coaches - and that drags the movie down. If the off-field scenes were just as dynamic as the on-field ones, KICKING AND SCREAMING would rate much higher.
In the end, the two and a half stars that this film gets are because of the two brilliant “Eye-talian” players who elevate the film from being a crappy Will Ferrell vehicle to an averagely-exciting soccer flick. Without Gian Piero and Massimo’s soccer skills, this DVD wouldn’t be worth using as a beer coaster, let alone a dollar rental.
Viva Italia!
