(Definitive proof that things are more interesting underwater…)
CAST: Dolphins, seals, sharks, whales, clownfish, jellyfish, bumphead wrasses - and many many many other crackheads that live beneath the waves. Oh, and Pierce Brosnan’s voice…..
DIRECTOR: Jacques Perrin, Jacques Cluzaud
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and amazing human-fish parallels straight ahead…
Recently, a friend whom we will call “Linda Evangelista” because of her striking resemblance to the gorgeous Italian-French Canadian supermodel, returned from a vacation in Hawaii. While there “Linda” did some scuba diving and encountered a group of rather frisky manta rays, some of whom she claimed were bigger than her car. “Linda” said that it was fortunate manta rays are vegetarian (if you can refer to something that eats plankton as vegetarian), otherwise one of them could easily have chomped her fine ass - and that would’ve been that.
Fortunately, there appears to be a grand design over Mother Nature, and the worse hankering manta rays were given was one for… plankton. Thank goodness for “Linda,” otherwise I’d be writing a much more somber essay. Not only did “Linda” come back alive, but her manta ray fan club is probably trying to impress another hot brunette even as I type this. Manta rays are such fucking dogs, I tell you.
“Linda’s” adventure could easily have been a scene in Disney’s latest nature documentary, OCEANS. Narrated by someone who sounds an awful lot like Pierce Brosnan, OCEANS takes us under the waves of the various oceans of the world to take a peek at our fishie friends and their curious habits. And believe me, some of these vignettes are utterly hilarious.
I don’t have all night to list all of the amusing episodes within OCEANS. Suffice it to say, it’s like watching a LOONEY TUNES GREATEST HITS COLLECTION. But set underwater. And played out for real. By… fish, crustaceans, and other marine denizens. Because I’d like to go to bed in ten minutes, I will zero in on a few stories: (1) Sardine-Cormorant-Dolphin Death Match; (2) Seal-Great White Shark-Orca Beatdown; (3) Spider-Crabs Re-enact BRAVEHEART battle scene; (4) Crab-Shrimp Smackdown; (5) The World’s Two Oldest (and, possibly, ugliest) Fish Get Funky; ( 6) The Silence of the Cuttlefish; and (7) Great White Shark-Scuba Diver Ballet.
Let’s play…
(1) Sardine-Cormorant-Dolphin Death Match:
Actually, I make it sound like we have three creatures squaring off against one another here. In reality it’s really more like the cormorants and dolphins basically tag-teaming the poor sardines. See, the dolphins drive the sardines close to the surface - and the cormorants dive-bomb them from above. Which drives the surviving sardines back down into the depths - where the wily dolphins’ wide-open traps await. All in all, not a good day to be a sardine.
(2) Seal-Great White-Orca beat down:
Just like with number one, this episode isn’t really a tri-cornered battle, but two separate ones - both pitting the blubbers of the ocean against two of its deadliest killers. First, our blubbers try to evade the jaws of a Great White while frolicking off the coast of South Africa. Needless to say, it’s kind of like a scooter trying to outrun and escape a bullet train. In other words, good luck with that. Next, the blubbers lounge on the beach, thinking they are safe. From Great Whites, maybe. From Orcas? Not so much. See, even an Orca as big as Greyhound can launch itself out of the shallows and park its fat ass right there on the sand next to the seals. Imagine you’re a friendly seal lying on the shore, working on your tan. Then, in the next moment, you’re trapped under 3 tons of Orca muscle and teeth. Not exactly the day at the beach you had in mind, huh?
(3) Spider Crabs Re-enact BRAVEHEART Battle Scene:
Remember that scene in BRAVEHEART where Mel Gibson painted his face blue, then led his Scottish troops in a face-off against English baddies? Well, imagine the crab equivalent of that. On the sea floor. Yes, you have to see it to believe it. Trust me - you have not lived until you’ve seen two armies of spider crabs bearing down on each other, trying to look like supreme bad-asses. And you definitely haven’t lived if you haven’t seen said spider-crabs beating the tar out of each other like a crustacean version of WEST SIDE STORY.
(4) Crab-Shrimp Smackdown:
Remember the two handicapped characters in SOUTH PARK? Timmy and Jimmy? Remember how Timmy got tired of Jimmy stealing his thunder as “Coolest Crippled Kid” in town? Remember how Timmy finally challenged Jimmy to a fight in a supermarket parking lot? Remember how you pissed yourself with laughter for the next five minutes? Oh, you didn’t? Well, maybe that was just me then. Anyway, imagine all of that - but with crab and a shrimp. Yes, it’s as loony as it sounds.
(5) The World’s Oldest (And Ugliest) Fish Get Funky:
Apparently, in the China Sea, there is a fish called the Asian Sheep’s Head Wrasse. Which is interesting, because the fish looks nothing like a sheep, but instead that freakazoid from THE GOONIES. Needless to say, this guy didn’t win “Most Likely To Break Hearts” in Fish High School. And to make matters more ghastly, he meets his soul mate - a female fish who looks like that freakazoid from THE GOONIES, too. This is a ghastly prospect because there’s a fair chance that these two will now breed - and spawn more GOONIES fish. Which is what they should be called, as far as I’m concerned. Because they look nothing like fucking sheep.
(6) The Silence Of The Cuttlefish:
Forget about the Tiger Shark as the most dangerous thing you might encounter on a coral reef. If this episode is to be believed, the cuttlefish is just as lethal and calculating. Evidently, it prowls the reef, looking for unsuspecting crabs in very much the same way that Buffalo Bill cruised for fat chicks in THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. And when the cuttlefish locates a crab stupid enough to wander away from his crab friends, it sucks that fucker up like Hannibal Lecter going down on a plate of fava beans. I will never look at cuttlefish the same way ever again.
(7) Great White-Scuba Diver Ballet:
Good thing OCEANS wasn’t produced and released before JAWS came out in 1975. Because if OCEANS is to be believed, Great Whites are about as docile and cuddly as cats. In this episode we watch a scuba diver glide alongside a Great White, while the shark just swims lazily along, thinking the diver is a particularly huge remora - and not the wetsuited slab of prime rib that it is. Of course, it’s distinctly possible that the diver just lucked out and met up with the only Great White in the universe who eats nothing but plankton. Just like “Linda’s” manta rays. Only with sharper teeth.
Those seven vignettes are just the highlights of OCEANS. But believe me when I say that there are scores and scores of others. But I leave those for you to discover. In fact, you and your buds can easily turn OCEANS into a drinking game.
As in: “Do a shot of tequila every single time you, like, see a fish!” You and your posse will be one cloud nine before you know it.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the very opening scene of OCEANS, we glimpse a boy on a beach staring off at the sea, seemingly pondering its mysteries. It’s an image that I can relate to, since I remember staring at the sea myself as a boy, wondering what lay beneath its surface. I always thought of the ocean as a blanket pulled over a million adventures and delights. And when I became a scuba diver in 1991, I found out I was right.
OCEANS does two things at once: (1) remind us that our marine counterparts are just like us, exhibiting complex behavior that echoes certain human interactions; and (2) warn us that if we don’t care for our oceans, it will not take care of us. The ocean is the cradle from which life evolved - and life would not be possible without it.
At the end of OCEANS, narrator Pierce Brosnan states: “Perhaps instead of asking ‘what is the ocean?’ we should ask ‘who are we?'” In other words, the more we understand about the intricacies of life beneath the waves, the more we appreciate the ocean - and our connection to it. Only then will we understand - truly understand - just how important it is and what we must do to preserve it. It’s this desire to be one with the sea that inspired me to continue my diver education from my current Advanced Open Water standing, and on to Divemaster. Hopefully within a year or two, I can become a full-fledged diving instructor. I can’t think of a better life than one spent below the waves…
To echo Pierce Brosnan’s first words at the beginning of OCEANS: “To really know the ocean, you must feel it. Experience it.”
Just like this film....
