(Open season on... stupid humans)
CAST: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Gemma Arterton, Mads Mikkelsen, Alexa Davalos, Pete Postlethwaite, Alexander Siddig, Elizabeth McGovern, Isabella Mikko.
DIRECTOR: Louis Letterier
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really epic battle between stupid gods and stupid humans - with one smokin' hot half-human/half-god - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: Our last review was this year's WRATH OF THE TITANS, sequel to the 2010 remake to the 1981 kitsch-classic CLASH OF THE TITANS. In our review for WRATH, I mentioned the original CLASH OF THE TITANS was one of my favorite films. And I am usually not keen on seeing my favorite films get remade because, well, they usually ended up stinking worse than a Neapolitan garbage bin after a three-month trash workers strike (THE STEPFORD WIVES, anyone?). And yet when I heard in 2008 that a remake to CLASH OF THE TITANS '81 finally got the greenlight, I couldn't help but be thrilled.
With hunk-du-jour Sam Worthington (as half-human/half-god hero Perseus), reliable vet Liam Neeson (as Big Daddy Zeus), acting god Ralph Fiennes (as Scary Daddy Hades), and winsome hottie Alexa Davalos (as imperiled Princess Andromeda) in the key roles, the production looked promising. Plus, with the advent of CGI, the creature effects and fantasy elements would be a sight to behold. Because, folks, let's face it: as good as the original CLASH was, the effects were just a little bit more convincing than something I and my posse of creative dipshits could come up with using a bunch of empty big-screen TV boxes from Best Buy and a fuckload of poster paint.
So... as with the 1981 flick, our story kicks off during a precarious time in Ancient Greece. Seems them pesky mortals have gotten tired of the gods' capricious natures - and have decided to rebel by: (1) not praying to them anymore, (2) tearing down their statues, (3) desecrating their temples, and (4) generally behaving like the inveterate party animals in PROJECT X who seemed bafflingly confident that all their reckless marauding would not catch up to them.
And, sure enough, just like in PROJECT X, everything catches up to our thoroughly misguided humans. Don't these fuckers know that the gods are: (1) immortal, (2) all-knowing, (3) powerful, and (4) capable of leveling their asses using forces of nature like, um, earthquakes, tsunamis, lightning bolts, and heatwaves? And it's not like Zeus and his band of toga-clad divinities are as forgiving and gracious as Jesus "The Man" Christ. Nope, these jackasses are about as mature and tolerant as you average "Housewives Reality Show". In other words, you humans picked the wrong deities to piss off.
Just like that, Greece is pummeled by some disturbing changes in weather, marine life, and agriculture. Everyone else seems content to shrug all this off, as if to say, "What are you gonna do?" Before proceeding to slam back some more wine, which normally I am all for, but not as a way to not deal with the fact that The End Of The World is just around the corner. Sorry, but I plan to go down fighting - or at least trying to prevent it. Indeed, the only person who thinks all this "god-dissing" is dangerous is smokin' hot royal Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos). "Haven't you seen what's happening out there?" she demands of her drunk mom and pop (who, by the way, just happen to be King and Queen of Greece).
Queen Mommy (Polly Walker) not only dismisses Andromeda's concerns, but goes on to proclaim that humans are now the new gods, and that Andromeda is way hotter than Aphrodite, the Goddess of Hotness. This proves to be the straw that breaks the camel's back, because the gods may put up with humans ceasing prayer and desecrating sacred temples. But they will not tolerate a human saying another human is hotter than they are. Which I totally understand, because at Thursday Happy Hour this week, a friend dared to say that he was hotter than Russell Crowe. Before you know it, I had that bastard locked in a double titty-twister, while yelling at him: "SACRILEGE! SACRILEGE! TAKE IT BACK!!!" Let's just say the "argument" continued at home. Nothing is better than a disagreement that is fought between the sheets. Talk about a workout. Ahem.
But I digress. Before you know it, who should show up to zap Mommy into a fine powder? Well, no one special. Just Hades, God of Death himself. Oh, and just to prove that he's not a complete asshole, he also tells the horrified party animals that the Kraken, a mythical beast that looks a Giant Penis, will destroy Greece in exactly one week - unless Princess Andromeda is sacrificed to it. Then he disappears into a black cloud, leaving the congregated dumbasses to look at Andromeda with sympathetic expressions of "Girl, You Are So Fucked!"
Enter our hero Perseus, whom I have already mentioned before is half-human/half-god. Seems head god Zeus would often transform himself into a human man to fuck human women, resulting in a bunch of truly gifted bastard children, of which Perseus is a sterling example. In the wake of the threat to Greece and Princess Andromeda, studly warrior leader Draco (Mads Mikkelsen) recruits Perseus to join his band of studly warriors to travel to some far-flung, fucked-up place to seek the counsel of The Three Witches on how to solve their dilemma. Along for the ride is fellow demi-god Io (Gemma Arterton). Seems Io once rebuffed the lecherous advances of a god, and was hence cursed with agelessness. Now, folks, I have rebuffed many a lecherous advance in my time (and continue to do so), but have not been cursed with agelessness. Instead, I usually just got cursed at, as in "Who the fuck does he think he is? People hotter than him have gone home with me! Stuck-up, snobby iceberg." Deal with it, guys. My heart is already spoken for. Which, unfortunately, is connected to my dick. You have zero chance with me. Move on.
But I digress again. So... will Perseus, Draco, Io, and the rest of the Seven Warriors succeed in reaching the Three Witches? What will the old crones tell them? How will they defeat the Kraken? What happens when they learn they must confront the dreaded Medusa, the half-snake/half-human biyatch whose icy gaze is capable of changing men to stone? Will they defeat her? Or will she get them all hard (ha ha)? Will Princess Andromeda be sacrificed to the Kraken? Or will Perseus save the day? Does Io have something up her sleeve that will help? Why do all these people look like pasty crackers and not olive-skinned Greeks?
Whatever. Sam Worthington, Alexa Davalos, and Gemma Arterton are hot enough to suspend my disbelief....
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for WRATH OF THE TITANS, I mentioned that the original CLASH OF THE TITANS from 1981 has a special place in my heart. The film has a simple charm that appeals to the child in me as, I suspect, it does to anyone who loves the film. If the film has a weak spot, it's in the special effects department. The stop-motion animation effects were considered strong during the film's initial release in 1981. Unfortunately, they have not aged well and, as such, date the film considerably. In this department, the 2010 remake easily trumps the original. While the 1981 version of CLASH OF THE TITANS is overall superior to the recent version, the CLASH OF THE TITANS 2010 has its own rewards to offer, not least of which is strong cast of veteran performers and charismatic newcomers, strengthened female roles, and a simply terrific musical score.
Stepping into the role that Harry Hamlin made famous in 1981, Sam Worthington delivers a more bracingly masculine version of Perseus. Sporting a sharp buzz cut (compared to Hamlin's long curly locks), Worthington looks every inch an action hero. Indeed CLASH 2010 is more of an action film than CLASH 1981 was, which focused more on the fantasy elements of the story. As such, Perseus' new manly look is perfect for this more kinetic story. As he did with AVATAR, Worthington proves a worthy leading man and holds the screen with ease, turning Perseus into a compelling hero with a blend of instinct, intelligence, and emotion.
Liam Neeson is similarly fine in the role that Laurence Olivier originally essayed. Ralph Fiennes plays a role that wasn't in the 1981 film, that of Hades, god of the Underworld. Fiennes bring his trademark intensity to the role and makes it a memorable one. Mads Mikkelsen, who was excellent as LeChiffre in CASINO ROYALE, is equally stellar here. His role of Draco is meant to be a formidable mentor to Perseus who ultimately sacrifices himself for him in the end, and Mikkelsen nails every line and scene.
Another area, aside from the special effects, where CLASH 2010 trumps CLASH 1981 is in its portrayal of its heroines. In the original, Judi Bowker played Andromeda as a sweet thing who was ultimately too passive. In the remake, Alexa Davalos turns the character into a quietly intense, driven woman of will and intelligence. While she isn't as "kick-ass" as the version played by Rosamund Pike in the sequel, Andromeda is clearly rebelling against the constraints of her role as Royal Princess. She acts as the "voice of reason" that goes unheard. Davalos also gives Andromeda a cool, gracious dignity that keeps your eyes fixed on her. This is never more apparent than in the scene where Andromeda bravely faces the danger of the angry mob intent on sacrificing her to the Kraken. She descends the steps of the royal palace to meet them - and her fate - with quiet courage. Even in dire circumstances, she refuses to be a victim. As good as Pike was in WRATH OF THE TITANS, part of me wonders how Davalos would've handled the role, seeing as the seeds of leadership were already being planted in Andromeda in this film.
As good as Davalos is, though, the emotional center of the film is held by Gemma Arterton as Io, the human woman cursed to remain young forever for refusing to consort with a god. Io acts as a guardian angel to Perseus, ever-watchful and always-helping. Since they both share the special nature of a "demi-god" (a sort of divine half-breed) they are bit like soulmates. The best scenes between Io and Perseus are of her training him to battle Medusa, as well as her act of sacrifice following that battle. Worthington and Arterton have a subtle chemistry that always seems to be bubbling below the surface - which fully reveals itself at the very end when... well, you'll just have to see. Great ending. Needless to say, Gemma Arterton's decision not to return as Io in WRATH OF THE TITANS reportedly led to that script being rewritten with Andromeda as the main heroine. With the emotional center of Io-Perseus gone, the sequel was doomed to be inferior.
Speaking of effects, this is where CLASH 2010 truly overtakes CLASH 1981. While the action setpieces of the latter are still charming to watch, they are just not as impressive as the remake's sequences. Scenes such as the meeting with the Stygian witches, the taming of Pegasus, the battle in Medusa's lair, and the final confrontation with the Kraken, all explode into life. Particularly impressive is the battle with Medusa, who comes across as almost dimensional and sympathetic because of the improved effects and the tragic backstory that Io relates. Also breathtaking is the moment when Perseus reveals Medusa's head to the Kraken to save Andromeda. Great stuff.
Another strong asset of the CLASH 2010 is the soaring, dynamic score by Ramin Djawadi. Exciting, energetic, emotional, complex, and surprising, the music seems like almost another character in the movie. It's been said that a good film soundtrack should help tell the story. By that standard, Djawadi's score for this film succeeds brilliantly. I remember seeing this movie back in 2010 after it came out, and found myself humming the main themes endlessly, especially Perseus' theme.
In the end, CLASH OF TITANS 2010 may not have the simple charm of its predecessor from 1981, but it definitely has it own rewards to recommend it. Specifically, a strong cast, improved female leads, terrific special effects, and an amazing musical score that will transport you back to Ancient Greece and its mythological universe.
In closing, I present some music from Ramin Djawadi's score. Best track is "Perseus", and the best stretch is from 2:10 to 3:07. "There Is A God In You" is a close second, followed by "The Best Of Both" and "It's Almost Human Of You". Unforgettable music...
