(Whatever happened to "Bros Before Hos?")
CAST: Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine, Tom Hardy, Til Schweiger, Chelsea Handler, John Paul Ruttan, Rosemary Harris.
DIRECTOR: McG
WARNING: Some rather sad examples of male "friendship" - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember that awful GSA scandal that broke earlier this year? Where it was revealed that around $800,000 worth of taxpayer money was blown on an over-the-top 2010 Las Vegas conference that decidedly and firmly overturned the usually stringent Federal rule of "conservative" and "inexpensive" conferences? Well, the two dipshit "heroes" of our next film should be the subjects of a Congressional oversight committee for two reasons: (1) wasting colossal amounts of taxpayers' money and misuse of government property to cock-block each other over some girl; and (2) basically destroying their "friendship" over a mundane piece of ass, thereby proving they weren't really best friends - or even just friends - at all.
They are FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy). FDR is so-named because, I guess, his mother had the serious hots for Franklin Delano Roosevelt and naming her son after him was a way to show her loyalty and affection. Or perhaps the screenwriters of this POS movie were trying to be "cute" and "clever". They failed. And Tuck is so-named because... well, who gives a shit. Anyhow, FDR and Tuck are CIA agents who are also supposed to be best buds. They've been on a lot of missions together, have saved each others' asses repeatedly, and have seen each other naked several times. I know your heads are probably spinning at that last revelation, but let me assure you the script goes out of its way (waaaaay out of its way) to point out the fact that Tuck and FDR have glimpsed each other's schlongs. Hmmmmmmm....
Their "bond" is soon tested when they find out that they are dating the same chick. She is Lauren (Reese Witherspoon), one of those chicks who always listens to the bad advice her best friend gives her. In this case, her best friend is Trish (Chelsea Handler), who is basically an amalgam of all the chicks from SEX IN THE CITY. Meaning her brain is in her vagina - and all her decisions spring from the same place. It comes as no shock that Trish encourages Lauren two secretly date Tuck and FDR and kind of compare them to each other - until she can figure out which guy she wants. Meanwhile, FDR and Tuck have forgotten they're supposed to be accomplished and responsible CIA agents - and basically devolve into two strutting peacocks trying to prove whose plumage is, uh, bigger.
What ensues is a tiresome and sad "war" as these two guys who are supposed to have each other's backs proceed to throw each other under the bus just to look good in the eyes of a chick who, let's face it, isn't that great of a person anyway. But even if she were Mother Teresa and Emma Stone and Sandra Bullock rolled into one, Lauren would still not be worth stabbing your best friend in the back for. But instead of graciously talking this out and one of them walking away to do the right thing, FDR and Tuck continue to display the maturity level and nastiness of two spoiled little boys fighting over a toy truck. Which is bad enough, but then they start using (or misusing) the CIA's assets and manpower to throw a monkey wrench in each other's plans - and basically stalk each other and Lauren. Ugh.
So... anyway. How will this all end? Will FDR win Lauren? Will Tuck win Lauren? Will FDR and Tuck's friendship survive? Or should someone teach these assholes that you do not throw a friend under the bus to try to look good to someone of the opposite sex? Will the CIA cotton on to their colossal abuse of resources and power in the name of poontang - and do the right thing? That is, toss their asses into the nearest paper shredder.
That scandal would surely dwarf the GSA one.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: One of the films that I really detest is BRIDE WARS, the 2009 "comedy" where Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway played two best friends who suddenly become bitter enemies when they both try to book a ritzy NYC hotel for the same wedding date. Instead of graciously talking this out and one sacrificing for the other, or just compromising, these two launch into a petty, vindictive, and nasty battle to humiliate and smear each other. The thing I dislike about BRIDE WARS is how it belittles and trivializes the concept of friendship - and reduces it to something to be tossed aside in pursuit of material gain or lust. Of course, anyone who would do that is not a friend or a decent person to begin with. Which makes it hard to develop any sympathy or rooting interest in the main characters. Which makes it difficult to like, let alone watch, the movie.
We encounter the same problem now with THIS MEANS WAR, which is basically BRIDE WARS - but with two similarly immature and shallow men as the leads. And instead of fighting for a coveted wedding venue, they are squabbling over a woman who is fairly bland and uninteresting. For all their talk of loyalty and friendship, Tuck and FDR are shockingly quick to stab each other in the back (and the front) to gain ground with Lauren. The script tries to play it for laughs, but the underlying message is disturbing: friendship is expendable as long as one looks good in the eyes of a member of the opposite sex.
As a result THIS MEANS WAR fails as both a comedy and a romance. It does have some merit as an action film, but the action only comes in the very beginning and the very end, and is almost not even worth noting. Audiences must've seen through the glossy facade and slick veneer of this film to spot the ugliness at its core - and stayed away. THIS MEANS WAR performed well below expectations - and there's a reason for it: there is no one worth rooting for here. Everyone in it is pretty, but shallow and self-absorbed.
Reese Witherspoon isn't so much acting as she is working her way down a playbook of tics and cheery mannerisms to try to gain our sympathies. It doesn't work. Lauren is her most negligible role to date. Meanwhile, Chris Pine tries to invest his trademark energy into the character of FDR, but it somehow doesn't work either. Even when the script tries to invest some shading and nuance into FDR by revealing the reason for his lothario ways, it feels stale and predictable and doesn't ring true. Then there's Chelsea Handler as Trish, whose comic one-liners are occasionally amusing, but they're mostly off. In fact, the only one who isn't completely off is Tom Hardy as Tuck, and he manages this by bringing some trademark British cool reserve and class to the role. There are moments where it appears that Tuck will wake up and do the gracious thing, but the script keeps betraying the character by having him behave just as badly as FDR. It's a testament to Tom Hardy's talent that he elicits what little interest this movie gets - or deserves. But he's not enough to raise it from being crap.
Let me be clear that this movie is technically well-made. It's handsomely produced and directed by McG, who did the fun CHARLIE'S ANGELS. The difference between CHARLIE'S ANGELS and THIS MEANS WAR, though, is that we had a group of likable characters in the former and absolutely none in the latter. Plus, CHARLIE'S ANGELS theme of friendship, sisterhood, and female empowerment easily papered over the ridiculousness of its plot twists and action setpieces. THIS MEANS WAR, on the other hand, has nothing to save it from being nothing but a film that was shot and assembled in a sleek way - but with nothing underneath. It reminds me of that saying, "Shiny on the outside - rotten on the inside..."
I reviewed this film on request by a reader, and I hated it so much that I was reluctant to post the review for fear of hurting her feelings. But then a friend alerted me to a couple of other reviews that pretty much echoed my sentiments, and I felt better about posting my own opinion. Please find below a link to two reviews for THIS MEANS WAR that were written by a couple of much more esteemed critics - they basically took the words right out of my head. Bottom line: this movie - and its message - totally sucks. Sorry, but there it is....
(Blogger's link tool isn't working, so you'll have to cut and paste the links into your browser)
http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/18700/blu-ray-review-terrible-this-means-war-denies-its-obvious-romantic-subtext
http://www.justpressplay.net/reviews/9495-this-means-war.html
