BAD TEACHER (2011 - COMEDY) ***1/2 out of *****
(I'm thinking she won't go for your standard "apple-on-the-desk" schtick - more like your not-so-basic "complimentary breast-implants" schtick...)
CAST: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel, Justin Timberlake, Lucy Punch, John Michael Higgins, Phyllis Smith, Matthew J. Evans, Kathryn Newton, Molly Shannon, Kaitlin Dever.
DIRECTOR: Jake Kasdan
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some compelling reasons to home school your kids - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: The brilliant inspirational author William Arthur Ward once coined the following quote: "The mediocre teacher tells, the good teacher explains, the superior teacher demonstrates, and the great teacher inspires." Sage words that were never truer than in this day and age - but they omit one crucial thing: what exactly a bad teacher does. Well, if our latest review is any indicator, a bad teacher does the following: (1) smokes pot, (2) treats her students like shit, (3) does nothing in class but show corny "good teacher" flicks like STAND AND DELIVER, STAND BY ME, and DANGEROUS MINDS instead of using a real lesson plan; and (4) holds car washes while wearing skimpy hot pants to raise money to get herself some new tits. Did I mention that the title of the flick is, ahem, BAD TEACHER? I didn't? Well, it is.
Our "heroine" is Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz), a Chicago middle-school teacher who, shall we say, doesn't fit in to any of the categories listed in Willy Ward's quote above. Let's just say the only way Elizabeth would ever win a "Teacher Of The Year" Award is if a Bond Villain demanded it in exchange for not unleashing nuclear annihilation on the Free World. Either that, or if some fairly significant bribes to the school district were involved. If teachers are the shapers of our children's minds, then Lord help the kids in Elizabeth's class. "Dangerous minds," indeed.
Our girl Elizabeth basically treats her educator job not as the noble calling that it is, but rather a lame-ass time-killer while she hunts (and I do mean "hunt") for Mr. Richie Rich, AKA, some dumb millionaire schmuck who will pamper the crap out of her, even if she truly doesn't deserve it. And just when it looks like she's finally hooked a sucker, he promptly drops her ass when he realizes she doesn't even know what his birthday is. And just like that, Liz has to go back to being an educator.
Not to be beaten, though, Elizabeth determines that, before the school year is up, she will find a new rich sucker to take the place of the previous one. It doesn't take long for her to set her sights on someone: the preppy and hot new school teacher named Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), who recently broke up with someone. Unfortunately, it turns out Scott's ex had big tits. And let's just say that, despite looking as hot as Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth is about as stacked as Cameron Diaz - which is to say, not very much. Sorry, Cammie - it's not like it's a national secret.
Anyhow, Elizabeth determines to get herself a bigger pair of mammary glands. This soon proves to be more difficult than it sounds, though. Breast implants are expensive and - as Elizabeth's inadvertent pal Lynn Davies (Phyllis Smith) helpfully states - you have to get two of them. So, just like that, Elizabeth embarks on her "vision quest." Yes, folks... some movie heroines have noble goals like saving a kidnap victim (THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS), nailing an art thief (THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR), or simply surviving a space accident (GRAVITY) - but in BAD TEACHER we may have finally found the most profound goal of all: raising $10,000 for new tits.
A short list of Elizabeth's, um, fund-raising methods: (1) stealing the used cans from the cafeteria's recyclable bins and collecting the refunds herself; (2) stealing the "lost-and-found" items from the faculty lounge and selling them to thrift shops; (3) collecting "bribes" from the parents on "parent-teacher" night in exchange for her, um, tutoring services (oh, dear Lord); and (4) organizing the aforementioned 7th Grade Annual Car Wash to bilk horny fathers out of the hard-earned cash. To say that Elizabeth really wants those silicone implants is like saying Miley Cyrus really wants to film that next sadly-provocative music video
A little chagrined by all of this is gym teacher Russell Bettis (Jason Segel), who is the rough-edged-meat-and-potatoes-horndog Yin to Scott's boring-ass-vegan-eating-composting-nazi Yang. Where Scott constantly applauds Elizabeth's campaign to increase her bra size, Russell simply tells her she is fine the way she is. Unfortunately, Elizabeth doesn't listen - and so the madness continues. And let me just add that Russell's head alone is about the width of Scott's shoulders. I know who I would choose. Shit, it looks like Elizabeth herself could beat up Scott. In her sleep, with one hand scratching her ass.
Another faculty member who has an (unwelcome) interest in Elizabeth is Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch). If Russell and Scott are polar opposites, then Elizabeth and Amy are like New York, NY and Skunk Creek, AL. Amy is one of those fake, gossipy, petty, passive-agressive, jealous, inappropriately nosy, privacy-invading, rumor-spreading, manipulative shrews who is nowhere near as smart as she thinks she is - and whose sad schtick is painfully obvious to everyone but her. You know: the kind of woman who is one inappropriate remark or line-crossing incident or civil rights violation away from getting herself slammed with a workplace harassment/stalking/slander lawsuit? And let's just say that Elizabeth definitely has her number. As well she should.
Then Amy set her sights on Scott, too. Before you know it, these two are battling over some dude who weighs less than either of them. Ladies, really? Russell is right over there, for fuck's sake! Jeeeeeeeeeeeez. And this is even before Lynn tells Elizabeth about the "Teacher of the Year" award that goes to the educator whose class scores the highest in Illinois' annual standardized aptitude test. The prize: nearly $6,000. Elizabeth's response: "Nouveau Titties - here I come!"
And so the race begins to see whose student can score the highest. Given that she's been a lousy teacher until very recently, how will Elizabeth catch up and whip her kids into shape? Will Amy manipulate the system (as usual) with her "fakey-fakey nicey-nicey" act to win the award? Or will she finally be exposed for the creepy psycho nutcase that she is and finally get slapped with that workplace harassment/stalking/slander lawsuit she so deserves? And who will win Elizabeth's hand: Russell or Scott? And will Elizabeth's experiences this year help her change from being a "bad teacher" to a "bad-ass" one?
Hard to say - but if this movie has taught me anything, it's not to discount a woman who really, really, REALLY wants bigger boobs. Go, Elizabeth!
BUT, SERIOUSLY: One of the surprise hits of 2004 was BAD SANTA, in which Billy Bob Thornton played a department store robber who posed as Santa Claus. Except that, in addition to being a criminal, this particular Santa was also an alcoholic, profanity-spewing, politically-incorrect, highly-immoral, and thoroughly-depraved individual. And he was hilarious. Thornton's portrayal of his character was pitch-perfect: unflinching and took no prisoners - which made his gradual path to "redemption" somewhat believable and moving. In essence, BAD SANTA knew that it wasn't enough for it to be lewd and shocking - it also needed pathos and humanity. Without that second part, the movie would have just been one-note and pointless - and not the increasingly popular near-classic that it is.
Now, BAD TEACHER attempts to do the same thing that BAD SANTA did: take an unlikable character - and make him/her the hero of the movie, and not the bad guy. This is a very tricky undertaking, because if the character is too unlikable and irredeemable, you lose the audience. The character needs to walk the fine line between being "bad" - but funny enough that you almost admire his/her daring and unconventional stance. Just as Thornton nails his role, so too does Cameron Diaz owns hers.
I've had an ambivalent regard for Diaz over the years. On one hand, I liked her freshness and spunk in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, have gradually warmed to her subtle turn in THE HOLIDAY, respected her valiant attempt to go toe-to-toe with Al Pacino in ANY GIVEN SUNDAY, and truly admire her brave choice to "de-glam" herself in BEING JOHN MALKOVICH. However, on the other hand, I absolutely cannot stand her when she's being "ditzy-sweet-perky" in stuff like the CHARLIE'S ANGELS movies (I loved the TV show, but am very lukewarm to the movies which are so far removed from their source material it's not even funny) and THE SWEETEST THING.
Clearly, Diaz rises and falls on the quality of the particular role she is essaying. Fortunately - and surprisingly - her part in BAD TEACHER is, in my opinion, one of her best. Elizabeth Halsey, while obviously meant to be more of a broad caricature than an actual fully-drawn character, allows Diaz to be as formidable and imperfect as she wants to be, without worrying about audience approval. Unlike her roles in CHARLIE'S ANGELS and THE SWEETEST THING, which played to the camera so much they became annoying and insufferable. Elizabeth has the same steely, "go-ahead-and-mess-with-me-and-see-what-happens" air that Diaz's ice-princess character, Christina Pagniacci, had in 1999's ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. But in this movie, Diaz is 12 years older - and even more commanding. By not worrying about how she comes across, she liberates herself and makes Elizabeth Halsey her own unique creation.
The supporting roles are all filled with the right performers - straight down the line. Jason Segel is perfect as Russell Gettis, the nonconformist gym teacher who is just the right combination of boy and man - and is basically a nicer, male version of Elizabeth. Russell needed to be played by someone who is cute and sexy but also somewhat a bit of a "schlub" to keep the character quirky and funny. If Russell had been played by some bland "pretty-boy" actor, he would not have anywhere near as interesting as he is. Segel nails the role.
On the other hand, "pretty-Boy" is exactly what you need for the role of Scott Delacorte. Justin Timberlake fits snugly into the role of someone who looks great up close, and maybe even has some very appealing traits here and there, but ultimately is way out of his league with a ball-buster like Elizabeth. Only a "male Elizabeth" like Russell would be able to handle her. Just like Segel and Russell, Timberlake turns Scott into, if not a perfect choice for Elizabeth, then at least an interesting diversion. I have to say that we quite enjoyed BAD TEACHER's love triangle, which is constructed with more nuance and thought than you would think.
Lucy Punch hams it up effectively as Amy Squirrel, Elizabeth's sneaky co-worker who is nowhere near as nice (or sane) as she pretends to be - or as clever as she thinks. Punch is quite good and has some very funny scenes with not only Diaz and Timberlake, but also with John Michael Higgins who plays Principal Snur, a dolphin-loving dork who alternates between rage and bewilderment at his nutty staff. Higgins is a riot - especially in those bathroom scenes. You'll see. Then there's Phyllis Smith, who turns Lynn Davies into a enchantingly odd creature who becomes unexpected pals with Elizabeth. Watching the take-no-prisoners Elizabeth and quieter-than-a-church-mouse Lynn interacting is an utter hoot. Kathryn Newton, Matthew J. Evans, and Kaitlyn Dever are just as spot-on as some of the students in Elizabeth's class.
Just like BAD SANTA, BAD TEACHER was a box-office-hit. Despite its success ($20 million budget, $100 million gross), I find that most people either love or hate this film. Which is exactly the same way people regard BAD SANTA, which also made money despite its polarizing appeal. I suppose these two are like tart lemonade: too much of a bite for some - but just fine for others. Consider us among the latter...
