# 461- MEN IN BLACK 3 (2012)

MEN IN BLACK 3 (2012 - ACTION / SCI-FI / COMEDY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Will Smith is black, er, back as Agent J - with sexy attitude to spare....)



CAST: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Emma Thompson, Michael Stuhlbarg, Jemaine Clement, Alice Eve, David Rasche.

DIRECTOR: Barry Sonnenfeld

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously-questionable use of time travel (never mind alien abduction) straight ahead....




IT'S LIKE THIS: In our review for DARK SHADOWS (review # 458), we discussed the conundrum that is Johnny Depp, and how he basically painted himself in a corner playing so many freaks, greeks, oddballs, and bizarros - so much so that he probably will never be able to convincingly portray a normal man ever again. Which is a shame, considering the guy has the bone structure of a Greek god. What good is it looking as hot as that if all you can use it for is staggering around in applied-by-trowel eyeliner and a tattered pirate costume in PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN? Or looking like Dracula's Gay Cousin in DARK SHADOWS? Or looking like Alyssa Milano's transvestite twin brother in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?

Then there's my man Will Smith, who rose to prominence playing a hip, street-smart, sarcastic cute dude in the TV series FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR in the early-to-mid 90's. He eventually made the jump to the big screen in fare like BAD BOYS, WILD WILD WEST, INDEPENDENCE DAY, ENEMY OF THE STATE, BAD BOYS 2, and the first two MEN IN BLACK flicks - playing variations on the "Hip Street-Smart Sarcastic Cute Dude". Just like Johnny D., Willy S. kind of painted himself in a corner. But let's just say that given the choice between Oddball Bizarro Weirdo Corner and the Hip Streetsmart Sarcastic Cute Dude Corner, I'm stacking my chips in the latter. Make some room, Will...

Anyhow, our latest review is MEN IN BLACK 3, and our boy Will returns as Agent J. For those of you who have seen MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, you already know that J was basically recruited into a mysterious Agency that monitors alien activity throughout the galaxy - and basically ensures that no nasty hanky-panky is underfoot anywhere in the Cosmos. And if there is, J and his cranky-to-the-tenth-power partner, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones), jump all over those many-tentacled bastards like me on a pizza Margherita after a day-long hike on Tiger Mountain. And for those of you who haven't seen MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, well, you're pretty much fucked. You have two choices: (1) see the first two movies before reading this review; or (2) go bake a pie or something.

Anyhow, as our movie opens we discover that Agent J and Agent K are up to their usual shit: (1) policing the galaxy, (2) going tactical on alien or human or alien human baddies, and (3) getting on each other's nerves. Given that J is a colossal smart-ass and K is a grumpy bastard, who is even the tiniest bit surprised that they are like a couple on the verge of going to counseling? Oh, I should also mention that presence of Agent O (Emma Thompson), whom K has a had Redwood-sized boner for since, well, 1969. Seriously, that's kind of a long time to fight the urge to fuck someone. Hat's off to you, K. Personally, I would've jumped her bones by 1972.

At any rate, not long after we are re-acquainted with J and K (like we could forget those two goofy dipshits), we meet Boris The Animal (Jemaine Clement). Some sort of alien thug who looks like a leftover victim from THE THING, Boris is kind of pissed at K because, well, K did the following to him: (1) shot his arm off back in 1969, and (2) arrested, which led to (3) Boris being incarcerated like some intergalactic Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, Boris manages to break out with the help of a whore with a birthday cake (don't ask), and is soon enacting his long-gestating revenge plot against K. This "plan" consists of: (1) traveling back in time to 1969, (2) killing K before he can maim and arrest Boris, therefore (3) altering the future for the worst. Folks, in case you're wondering: yes, Boris watched too many goddamned TERMINATOR movies while in jail.

I don't have to tell you that Boris succeeds in his plan. We know this because, well, there wouldn't be a fucking movie if he failed. Plus J wakes up the next day, goes to work, and discovers the following: (1) his office looks strange, (2) he has recurring splitting headaches, (3) he has as an insatiable jones for chocolate milk, and (4) it turns out K has been dead since... 1969. Freaking out majorly, J puts two and two together and discovers that he must travel back in time to 1969 to keep Boris from killing K - and therefore averting some truly heinous shit (think WAR OF THE WORLDS). With the help of a techie type at the Agency, J jumps off the Empire State Building.... and winds up back in 1969. As opposed to simply splattering all over the pavement and ruining the business suits of some NYC yuppies.

Back in 1969, J finds out that being an African-American in NYC pretty much ensures that the people will mistake you for either: (1) a valet, (2) a butler, (3) a car thief, (4) Shaft, or (5) Superfly. Nevertheless, J manages to hightail to the Agency's offices (or what passes for them in 1969) to locate K's younger self (Josh Brolin). And let's just say that if you were expecting K to be one of those guys who was a lot mellower when he was younger, well, here's your wake-up call: the guy is an even grumpier fucker at the age of 29 than he is at, well, whatever goddamned age he was supposed to be in 2012. Sorry, but I'm not a mathematical genius like Clark Kent. How can someone be blessed with both looks and brains like that? And how can someone like me end up looking like Cartman's fatter (if that's possible) twin brother with the arithmetic skills of a shriveled potato?

Whatever. Where was I? Oh, yes... K. Grumpy fucker. Even at 29. Well, if I was 29 and looked at least fifteen years older, I'd be grumpy, too. Pssssst... K.... want to know the secret of looking young forever? Forget Botox. Forget facelifts. Forget laser peels. Just smile, laugh, and fuck more. Seriously. Your hair may go gray early from the lack of sleep (ahem) but as long as you dye your hair or wear a cap, you will be carded at bars and liquor stores forever, and constantly get hit on by people who were born the year that PRETTY IN PINK came out. And here's a conundrum for you folks to figure out: if you look younger than the 25 year old you are banging six ways from Sunday, can you really call me, er, yourself a Cougar? Ahem? Come on. Technically, shouldn't he be the Cougar? Or at least the Leopard? Whatever.

Now, where was I.... Oh, right. K. Grumpy Fucker. Even at 29. It shouldn't come as the biggest surprise that even at an age roughly equal to J's, these two still get along like Casper and Guido fighting over the last batch of catnip. Things get even dicier when J tells K that he has traveled all the way back from 2012 to help nab Boris The Animal. Of course, J conveniently leaves out the part about Boris, you know, popping a cap in the K's uptight ass. Good call. The guy looks constipated enough as it is. If he knew his death is potentially just around the corner, he might launch himself into the ceiling.

J and K reluctantly team up and try to find out where Boris The Animal is. The trail takes them to one of those New York art scene cocktail parties that are populated by: (1) supermodels, (2) sleazy assholes who want to fuck the supermodels, (3) bizarro art dealers, (4) bizarro artists, and (5) bizarros in general. One of the latter is Griffin (Michael Stuhlbarg). He's the kind of guy you run into parties who stands too close to you and keeps coming closer and closer until you are pressed up against the wall, while he says things like, "your brown eyes are the color of a glass of honey iced tea" or "you have Native American cheekbones - what Tribe are you from?" or "are you always this sarcastic? I know what I'd do with that smart mouth.... know what I'm sayin'?". Or maybe it's just me who attracts perverts like that like a magnet. Jeez...

Anyway, turns out Griffin is more than just your basic weirdo: he's a weirdo with a gift. Turns out he can see the futures. Note the plural tense there: this is because Griffin can see more than one future. The fucker can basically see every possible combination out there. Which is kind of problematic because there are good futures, so-so futures, bad futures, and seriously jacked-up futures. And it's up to J and K to figure out which one to aim for. With the help of Griffin The Weirdo, that is. Good luck with that, guys....

So... what happens now? Will J and K be able to stop Boris before he unleashes his supremely fucked-up plan? How long can J keep from telling K that his death is a strong possibility? Will he be able to prevent it? Or is the future pretty much set? Or is Griffin right when he says it's always changing? Which ending will our heroes get? A good one? A so-so one? A bad one? Or one of those seriously jacked-up ones?

How about an ending where Agents J and K finally realize all the bickering and fighting and sniping that started all the way back in MEN IN BLACK 1 was just some seriously hot sexual tension waiting to be unleashed - and jump each other's bones in one of the conference rooms. I hereby create a new word to characterize an older dude who makes it clear to a younger dude who his Daddy really is: a Mougar (A Male Cougar). Work it, K. You grumpy fucker...




















BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the opening, we joked about how, like Johnny Depp, Will Smith has essentially made a career playing the same type of character: the sarcastic, street-smart, sexy guy who always saves the day. Seriously speaking, though, most of Smith's roles bear this particular strand of DNA. This isn't to say that Smith isn't a versatile actor. He's proven himself capable of tamping down his natural feistiness to play thoughtful, damaged, haunted figures in films like THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS, SEVEN LESSONS, and I AM LEGEND. But he is at his most vibrant when he is playing heroes whose strong will is matched by their sassy charisma. Smith's engaging turns in HITCH, INDEPENDENCE DAY, BAD BOYS 1 and 2, MEN IN BLACK 1 and 2, and I, ROBOT - among others - is proof of this.

In MEN IN BLACK 3, Smith still turns J into a very likable blend of sarcasm and smarts as he did in the first two films, but he also limns him with a certain vulnerability. This is very much appropriate and in keeping with this installment's slightly more tender tone. More than the first two films, MEN IN BLACK 3 explores the touchy-but-tender friendship between Agents J and K. By endangering K's very existence, and putting J in a position of being the only person who can do anything about it, the story feels more about them than anything else. Ultimately, this is the most personal mission they've embarked on. Needless to say, Smith is in top form here. Despite having played this type of role many times before, his energy never wanes and you never get the sense that he is coasting or phoning in his performance.

Matching Smith scene-for-scene, are Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin as Agent K is his older and younger incarnations. No one plays "tough, grumpy, but tender" quite like Jones, and even though he is only present in the beginning and ending of the film, he makes his presence felt throughout the whole movie - primarily because Brolin does such an excellent job of playing K as a young man through most of the second and third acts. Brolin's mimicry of Jones' gravelly tone and delivery is uncanny - and funny. It also helps that Smith has the same exact potent chemistry with Brolin that he does with Jones, which is crucial for the movie to work. Had a different actor who didn't click as well with Smith played the younger K, MEN IN BLACK 3 would have been considerably weakened. Fortunately, all three leads click like gangbusters.

As for the supporting players, the real standout is Michael Stuhlbarg as Griffin, the strange man who can see branching futures. Stuhlbarg brings a child-like innocence to the role that is very likable, and he makes a welcome addition to the J-and-K investigative team. Jemaine Clement is okay, if nothing more, as the baddie Boris, while SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE cast member Bill Hader is hilarious in his small role as Andy Warhol (who turns out to be an undercover Agency operative, natch).

The wonderful Emma Thompson and winsome Alice Eve are severely underused as the older and younger version of Agent 0. If MEN IN BLACK 3 has a weak spot, it's that there are no real heroines or even pivotal female roles. Then again, though, the story is really about the testy Bromance between J and K. This central plot thread pays off nicely in a final shot on the beach between a young K and an even younger J. You'll see. Suffice it to say, it gives MEN IN BLACK 3 a nicely resonant coda.

MEN IN BLACK 3's action setpieces are just as exciting as those of the first two films. The best ones are: (1) a sting operation in the first act where J and K encounter some deadly customers in a Chinese restaurant, (2) a lunar cycle chase sequence involving Griffin, and (3) the climactic battle at Cape Canaveral just as the Neil Armstrong mission is about to be launched. This time around, though, knowing that the stakes are very personal (K's future) ratchets up the suspense considerably. Ultimately, J is fighting not just to avert Boris' invasion plan, but also to save his friend's life.

As such, because of this emphasis on J and K's friendship, MEN IN BLACK 3 is the most satisfying of the three films. Proving again what we have always said about the classic formula for a good film: (1) give us a group of characters who are vivid and sympathetic, (2) put them in some form of grave danger, and (3) have them battle their way back to safety somehow. As with recent summer winners like THE AVENGERS and DARK SHADOWS, MEN IN BLACK 3 delivers nicely with that formula...

In closing, our boy Will schools us on the MEN IN BLACK....

SPOTLIGHT ON: The Costumes of SKYFALL....

Morning, folks...

They say that clothes make the man, but I disagree: I think a good heart and compassionate character make the man. But in the Bond Universe, clothes do make a huge difference. With that in mind, check out a video below with SKYFALL's Head Costumer Designer Jany Temime, as she talks about the pleasure of suiting up Daniel Craig as 007 in this new adventure. We also get new glimpses of the Shanghai set, the Turkey action scenes, and Bond and mystery woman Severine enjoying a quiet moment on a yacht.



Please expect the review for MEN IN BLACK 3 to post late this evening when we get back in after Thursday Happy Hour. Then we start our June reviews with SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, PROMETHEUS, and HIGH SCHOOL...

# 460- THE DICTATOR (2012)

THE DICTATOR (2012) **** out of *****

(Oh. My. God...)



CAST: Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris, Sir Ben Kingsley, Jason Mantzoukas, Sayed Bandreya, Megan Fox (as herself - seriously).

DIRECTOR: Larry Charles

WARNING: Some SPOILERS one really unapologetically and unabashedly politically incorrect tyrant (who should also seriously consider manscaping) straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: The title of our next review is THE DICTATOR, but it just as easily could've been called THE DICK. Why? Just two reasons: First, the protagonist, Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen), is kind of, well, a dick. Actually, to call him a dick might even be an insult to dickheads all over the world. But how else would you characterize someone who: (1) has ruled his oppressed country of Wadiya (fictional, one would hope) with an iron, tyrannical hand since he could pretty much string two sentences together; (2) has anyone who opposes him (even slightly) viciously killed; (3) generally behaves like a Middle Eastern version of Cartman from SOUTH PARK, only a lot less fat and a lot more politically-incorrect (if you can even conceive of such an eventuality).

And the second reason the title of this movie should've been shortened to THE DICK? Well, that's easy: we are treated to no less than four shots of Aladeen's, um, Leaning Tower of Pisa throughout the flick. And let's just say that there should be an International Mandatory Law For Manscaping. For the love of God, it looks like a goddamn raccoon just burrowed into his fucking lap. Now, anyone who knows me know I'm a fan of "hairy". There is, however, a difference between "hairy" and "Amazon Jungle" or "Sherwood Forest". Sorry, but I already tend get lost in the woods enough when we're out hiking - I don't want to have to also use a fucking compass when I'm, you know, fucking.

But I digress. Anyhow, Aladeen pretty much gets off on being a total jackass to his constituents and countrymen. Actually, again, that might be an insult to jackasses all over the world, including that inexplicably popular TV show. And it doesn't help that Aladeen's guiding national policies seem to be dictated by... the Looney Tunes cartoons. Seriously. This is a guy who bases the building of his nuclear weapons on the heated encounters between Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck - and the eternal question of whether it is, yes, Duck Season or Rabbit Season. Much, of course, to the chagrin of Dr. Nadal (Jason Mantzoukas), Aladeen's top nuclear physicist. Unable to bear his supreme leader's idiocy one more minute, Nadal basically tells Aladeen that he should cut back on the Looney Tunes and make some attempt to acquire this thing called... a brain. Bad move, since we've already established before that Aladeen will have you killed if you so much as breathe incorrectly around him. Let alone tell him straight up what a fucking nitwit he is. Guess what happens to Nadal? It's not pretty.

Not long after this, Aladeen is invited to speak at the UN in New York City. Apparently, the nations are clamoring for Aladeen to stop being King Douchebag and start treating his people with decency and respect. Ha ha ha. Let me know how that goes. Pardon us if we don't hold our breaths. Anyhow, Aladeen's seriously deluded Chief of Staff Tamir (played by Sir Ben Kingsley) seems to think that an appearance at the UN will do wonders for his boss' reputation. Never mind that he's basically been portrayed in the media as a amalgam of every reprehensible tyrannical douchebag leader in history - from Hitler to Saddam Hussein to Idi Amin to my high school algebra teacher. You know who you are, bitch.

Anyway, things go south pretty much the night Aladeen and his entourage arrive in NYC. Such as: (1) Aladeen is promptly kidnapped by the American agent (John C. Reilly) who is supposed to protect him, who (2) promptly cuts off Aladeen's signature beard, before (3) promptly catching on fire and getting roasted alive. This allows our not-so-noble leader to escape into the streets of New York City, sans facial hair, which has the same effect on him as the geeky Laney Boggs (Rachael Leigh Cook) in SHE'S ALL THAT, taking her eyeglasses and ponytail off - and instantly turning into a "who-is-fuck-is-that!?!?" hottie. Except in Borat's, er, Bruno's, er, Aladeen's case, it has the opposite effect: no one notices him now.

This presents a couple of problems: (1) Aladeen isn't allowed back into the UN to make his speech because without his beard, the cops think he's just another liberal hippie who should really shave more; and (2) it allows Tamir, the treacherous fuck, to sneak an Aladeen-lookalike (also Sacha Baron Cohen) into Aladeen's place - and get him to do anything they want. Specifically, announce and sign a Declaration of Democracy at the UN. Now, I know that would actually be a good thing for the people of Wadiya - and for the World in general. But you must be high on hash brownies if you think that Aladeen is going to let that shit happen without a couple of international incidents.

Fortunately, he has an ally in hippie chick Zoey (Anna Faris), who is one of "those" chicks who: (1) eat nothing but organic veggies; (2) is highly politically-correct; (3) doesn't shave her pits; and... even far more terrifying than not shaving their pits: (4) wears Crocs. Zoey meets Aladeen by accident in front of the UN - where Zoey and her comrades are, um, protesting Aladeen. Like I said, that beard (or lack of) makes a big difference. Zoey mistakes him for a fellow protestor, based on the fact that he is: (1) slovenly dressed like her; and (2) really needs to shave certain parts of his body. And he also introduces himself as Alison Burger. Do not. Even ask.

Before you know it, Aladeen has been recruited by Zoey to work in her Organic Grocery store which, for a blood-thirsty and equal-opportunity-offender like him, is like a Great White Shark putting on a Seal costume and going to work in a rookery. In other words, this is not good. On top of that, Aladeen discovers that Dr. Nadal (remember him? the nuclear physicist he had shot?) is actually still alive - along with everyone else he thought he had executed - in a place in Brooklyn called (shitting you, I am not) Little Wadiya. Before you also know it, Nadal is helping his old nemesis try to get his identity back - and defeat his enemies in the UN....

WHAT!?!??!

Whatever. So... will Aladeen and his new friend Nadal be able to defeat Tamir and Aladeen's Doofus Double? Will Tamir succeed with his agenda? Is it even a bad thing, considering all Tamir wants to do is bring democracy to Wadiya? And what happens when Zoey discovers that "Alison Burger" is really the most loathed leader in the World? Will their blooming love be endangered - or will Aladeen's experience working in the organic grocery change him? Or is he pretty much beyond saving?

Don't know what tell you - my mind is still blown by the scene where Zoey teaches Aladeen how to, um, spank the monkey. Apparently, he was so privileged he never had to, um, do it himself. Now, that's a job that would suck: Royal Handjob-Giver...























BUT, SERIOUSLY: Someone once told me at a party that a true comedian is someone who can take any subject matter - anything at all - and transform it into comedic cold. This, according to him, is what differentiates truly hilarious people from people who are just amusing. He said a true comedian has to be not just clever and witty, but truly intelligent - and able to use humor the same fluid way a musician uses music, a writer uses words, and an athlete uses his/her body. And, I have to say, I agree with him completely. What differentiates a classic comedian from your average funny person is the ability to take any mundane topic and turn it into something truly hilarious. Classics like Billy Crystal, Rodney Dangerfield, Alec Baldwin, Chevy Chase, Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, and Chris Rock could slay an audience with a few words. And, now, Sacha Baron Cohen joins their illustrious ranks.

I have only seen snippets of Cohen's previous films, but what I saw of BORAT and BRUNO were side-splitting, which is why I couldn't wait to see THE DICTATOR because it promised to be even raunchier and loony than those two previous films. And, sure enough, it delivered on that promise. Put simply, this movie is right after 21 JUMP STREET as the best comedy we've seen this year. Undoubtedly, most fans of 21 JUMP STREET will steer clear of THE DICTATOR, thinking its a different kettle of fish. The thing is, the humor is exactly the same. It's just the context that is different. It is essentially a live-action version of SOUTH PARK.

I have to keep this analysis short because we're off to dinner in literally ten minutes (mangare!). All you need to know about THE DICTATOR is three-fold: (1) this is one very funny movie with sharp performances from everyone concerned - especially Cohen, without whom this film would not have worked; (2) this is not the film to see if you do not like SOUTH PARK or raunchy-but-intelligent comedies; (3) but if you are fan of such films, you will not be disappointed. Definitely a one-of-a-kind film.

Basically, this film might have been a disaster without Sacha Baron Cohen's comedic talents. With him in the lead, though, it becomes a comedy experience quite unlike any other....

MOVIE MUSIC TRACK OF THE WEEK: "Everything Is Never Quite Enough"

As promised, our new tradition...

This week, I present to you a track from that wonderful Cat-And-Mouse romantic thriller THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (review # 233): "Everything Is Never Quite Enough" by Wasis Diop. It's the love theme for Thomas Crown (Pierce Brosnan) and Catherine Banning (Renee Russo). Perfect music for the story of a cunning, handsome billionaire art thief who finally meets his match: an equally cunning, beautiful insurance investigator who pursues him. But when he turns the tables on her and starts chasing back, the fun really begins. The music is sexy and sophisticated, and reflects the mood and atmosphere of the film itself, with several other songs and the original playful score by Bill Conti.

The THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR soundtrack is available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

JUNE MOVIE SCHEDULE...

Happy Sunday evening, folks... Hope everyone had a great weekend, wherever you may be in the world. Sorry for the delay in getting the last two May reviews posted. THE DICTATOR and MEN IN BLACK should post within the next couple of days. Been a busy weekend.

Please check out our June line-up below, mostly new releases, with a couple of oldies-but-goodies:

# 462 - SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (AKA: Who Is The Fairest Of Them All? Chris Evans, Russell Crowe, And Meryl Steep. Bitch)

# 463 - PROMETHEUS (AKA: ALIEN - On Another Planet)

# 464 - HIGH SCHOOL (AKA: Please. Why Are You People Even Surprised.)

# 465 - MOONRISE KINGDOM (AKA: Wes Anderson Tackles The Boy Scouts - Hilarity Ensues)

# 466 - I VITELLONI (AKA: DINER and AMERICAN GRAFFITI: Federico Fellini-Style)

# 467 - FROM ROME WITH LOVE (AKA: My Sentiments Exactly)

# 468 - PEOPLE LIKE US (AKA: White People With Silly Problems)

# 469 - MAGIC MIKE (AKA: Male Strippers - The Movie)

# 470 - BRAVE (AKA: Redheads Are Bad-Asses)

# 471 - MADAGASCAR 3 (AKA: Fucking Crazy Ass Animals Strike Again)

# 472 - WEEKEND (AKA: Just Tell Him You Love Him Already - Jeez!)

# 473 - TED (AKA: Best. Stuffed Toy. Ever)





















And coming up: a new tradition: Movie Music Track Of The Week.

Have a great week, folks. Soak up the sun and have fun, wherever you may be on this Big Blue Marble...

# 459 - DARK SHADOWS (2012)

DARK SHADOWS (2012 - COMEDY / HORROR / FANTASY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Collins clan, you are one fucking weird family - even without that vampire ancestor...)




CAST: Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Jonny Lee Smith, Chloe Moretz, Helena Bonham-Carter, Jackie Earle Hailey, Gulliver McGrath, Christopher Lee.

DIRECTOR: Tim Burton

WARNING: Some SPOILERS one really bizarre family with one hell of a black sheep - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: Ah, Johnny Depp... is there a more puzzling conundrum in Hollywood right now? Here's a guy who made his debut as your basic pretty-boy teenager in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET in 1984 - and then pretty much coasted on his high-cheekboned, chisel-jawed, dark-bedroom-eyed beauty in the teen romp PRIVATE RESORT (where he bared his ass, thank you very much), the TV series 21 JUMP STREET, the acclaimed Oliver Stone flick PLATOON, and pretty much all his movies for the rest of the 80's - that is, until a little movie called EDWARD SCISSORHANDS changed all that shit around in 1990. The character Johnny D. played in that movie was named, uh, Edward Scissorhands, and had, um, scissors for hands. Not exactly a guy your average girl would allow to reach second base. Unless she wants her tits shredded. Needless to say, Eddie's dating life sucked. And from that point on, so did Johnny D.'s chances of ever playing a normal guy again.

Consider Johnny's most notable roles since EDWARD SCISSORHANDS... Let's just say that none of these guys are exactly someone I'd want to sit next to on a plane. In ED WOOD, he played that real-life purveyor of ultra-cheap and ultra-bizarre movies, Ed Wood; in DON JUAN DE MARCO, he played a hot nutjob who was convinced he was the actual infamous pussy marauder Don Juan; in SLEEPY HOLLOW, he played the supremely useless investigator (I use that term supremely loosely) Ichabod Crane, who wasn't so much terrified of his own shadow as he was completely subservient to it; in THE NINTH GATE, he played a whackjob rare book dealer who was almost as insane as the people trying to kill him; and in FROM HELL, where he played another investigator (Lord in heaven) who could only track Jack The Ripper if he was high on absinthe and opium. Something tells me Clarice Starling never had to imbibe illegal substances to get a bead on Buffalo Bill.

Whatever. Anyhow, even with all those "cuckoo" roles, Johnny still had the chance to retain enough normalcy cred to play Average Joes if he would've been more careful with his role selection. But then he decided to star in a film that would basically hammer the final nail into the Normal Guy Coffin forever.

That movie is titled PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN AND THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL, and whatever shot Johnny D. had at possibly still going normal was obliterated forever. As we all know, Johnny played Captain Jack Sparrow, and let's just say that Jack is what you would get if you mixed the following: (1) a pirate; (2) a drag queen with sketchy eyeliner application techniques; and (3) a entire rum distillery. Like I said, do not sit me next to this guy on my flight to Italy.

From that point on, it was over. Next thing you knew, Johnny D. was playing ever-more increasingly wacked-out roles: a psycho killer in SECRET WINDOW, a scary-ass man-monster-goblin-thing in ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a demonic cannibal barber in SWEENEY TODD, yet even more drunk-drag-queen pirate antics in three more (Lord preserve us) additional PIRATES movies, another drunk horny bastard (with a lot less mascara and eyeliner this time) in THE LIBERTINE, and last but definitely the freakiest: whatever the fuck he was supposed to be in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

And when Johnny did attempt to play "normal" roles in PUBLIC ENEMIES and THE TOURIST, you were so used to seeing him play such utter freaks that you kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, sure enough, they did. Bottom line, if you ever see Johnny Depp play a straightforward normal role without a catch ever again, it will surely mean that the Apocalypse is nigh - and you better stick your tongue down the throat of whatever hottie you've been jonesing for before it's too late (but don't let the hottie you're in a relationship with know - ahem).

But I digress. Anyway, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that Johnny D.'s current role is yet another example of Grade-A lunacy. He's a vampire - but not just any vampire: Barnabas Collins, the character made famous by the daytime soap opera called, uh, DARK SHADOWS from the early 70's. Yes, folks: a daytime soap opera. With vampires. Told you it was a weird one. At any rate, Barnabas is the scion of some powerful fishing/canning empire family who presumably don't smell as bad as the product they are peddling. We first meet Barnabas in the 18th century or something where he is having something of a romantic conundrum: his heart beats for Josette (Bella Heathcote) but his dick is constantly pointing in the direction of Angelique (Eva Green). In short, he loves one - but really, really, REALLY wants to fuck the other. Now, folks, in real life, the dick's preference would win because, let's face it, libido lasts longer than love. But, this being a movie with Johnny D. playing a supremo bizarro in it, we have to pretend otherwise. To cut to the case, none of this ends well: Josette falls off a cliff and dies, Barnabas gets turned into a vampire by Angelique and is eventually lynched and buried by the villagers - and the bitch herself walks away doing a triple-fist-pump-in-the-air. Girl power, I guess...

Cut to 1972, the era of bell-bottoms big enough to hide a VW van in, hair puffy enough to warrant meteorological reports, and music funky enough to prompt governmental regulation. Just when you couldn't think the 70's could get anymore weird, who should be resurrected when a construction crew unearths his coffin while building a parking lot for a McDonald's? If you said anything other than "Barnabas Collins!", you must be doing your worst Jack Sparrow impersonation again. Go get another shot of rum, you bum. Anyhow, it goes without saying that Barnabas is just a tad grumpy about being awakened after over 200 years or something of sleep - and gets all medieval on the construction crew. Meaning, he kills them all and slurps their blood. What the fuck were you expecting? He's a vampire.

After that lovely riposte, Barnabas goes touring around town and discovers, to his chagrin, that everyone in this new era is as fucking weird as he is. Which is actually good for him, otherwise his presence would've been reported to the authorities, ASAP. Eventually, he wanders back to his abode called Collinswood (or something) and discovers that he has some, uh, descendants. Before y'all get hot and bothered and start thinking that George Clooney is stretched out in the living room in his bathrobe and Garfield slippers doing a crossword puzzle (AHEM), allow me to burst your bubble: Barnabas' relatives are kind of hot, but none of them rival George Clooney in the Caldo Department.

They are: (1) Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), elegant and poised matriarch; (2) Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Moretz), sulky and rebellious daughter; (3) Roger Collins (Jonny Lee Miller), useless and clueless Uncle; (4) David (Gulliver McGrath), meek and frightened son; (5) Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), sarcastic and gruff family doctor; (6) Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Hailey), equally clueless and useless Uncle; and last but definitely the cutest: (7) Victoria (Bella Heathcote again), sweet and winsome governess who looks an awful lot like Barnabas' lost love Josette (a-fucking-hem, people) And let's just say that, aside from a few smart-ass remarks by Dr. Hoffman, these folks barely raise an eyebrow at the sudden appearance of a bug-eyed, pale weirdo with sharp incisors on their front doorstep. Of course, Barnabas eventually confesses to Elizabeth that he's, you know, a bloodsucker and would she kindly keep his real nature a secret? Folks, I think it's safe to say that if a vampire asked me to keep his true identity under wraps, I would fucking comply too. Don't need to twist my arm, Barney baby...

Unfortunately, it turns out that Barnabas has an old nemesis in town: Angelique (is that name a crock or what?). Apparently, the bitch who turned him into a vampire has never aged due to her witchcraft (or judicious use sunblock) and has basically forced the Collins empire into a decline because of her own fishing cannery empire that is now the Shiznit of Collinsport. Say, maybe they ought to change the name of the place to Angeliqueport. Or Bitchville. Or Witchburg. And if you thought things were scary enough as they are, wait until you hear what happens when Angelique discovers that Barnabas has been resurrected. Let's just say that a boner has a long memory, and before you know it, Angelique and Barnabas are doing the "I fucking hate you but I still REALLY want to fuck you" thing. My, it's getting hot in here...

So... what is Angelique up to now? What does she want from Barnabas? Is she after what's left of the Collins empire? Does she want Collinwood manor, itself? Will Barnabas fall for her charms? Or will he fight his boner to protect his family? Who will be his most valuable ally? Elizabeth? Carolyn? Roger? Dr. Hoffman? David? Willie? Someone else? Will this family survive now that they have a sort-of Guardian Angel? Will Barnabas save his descendants? Will they ever enjoy another Christmas together? Will Johnny Depp ever again play a guy who isn't: (a) a bloodsucker, (b) a serial killer, (c) a wacky investigator chasing a serial killer, (d) a drunk androgynous pirate, (e) a scary man-monster-goblin thing, or (f): whatever the fuck he was supposed to be in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?

What a waste of a great pair of cheekbones....




























BUT, SERIOUSLY: I'm not too familiar with the original "Dark Shadow" daytime series from the late 1960s/early 1970s, except that it was very popular for its time. Its attempt to blend a traditional clan-centered soap opera format with more supernaturally-inclined elements reportedly gave the series an atmosphere and feel of its own. The show was so popular that it spawned a couple of movie spin-offs in the early-70s: HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS (1970) and NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS (1971). There was also a brief revival of the series in 1991, and a TV movie (starring future star Jessica Chastain as Carolyn Stoddard) in 2005. And, now, under the helm of talented fantasy/surrealist director Tim Burton and powered by the star power of Johnny Depp, we have the latest incarnation of the venerable series.

Not being too familiar with the DARK SHADOWS mythos, it's surprising that I was pulled into the movie's world as much as I was. Well, not really so surprising - considering Tim Burton's directorial and storytelling savvy. I commented to my friend that the film's atmosphere felt real, and that we were really watching a story unfolding in the 1970s - and not a film set with actors in 70s garb and accompanying props. Also, given that this film is about a vampire who is resurrected to protect his family, the ease with which it gets us to suspend our disbelief is noteworthy. It's due mainly to Burton's graceful, painterly touch as a filmmaker, and his vibrant, multi-talented cast.

I'm not sure how Jonathan Frid portrayed Barnabas Collins in the original series or the first spin-off films, but Johnny Depp takes ownership of the role and makes it his own. He imbues Barnabas with enough humor and humanity to keep us from writing him off as a cartoon. The film's best moments are its comic ones - scenes in which the confused Barnabas reacts in humorous ways to the strange and modern new world he finds himself in. In the opening to this review, we joked about Depp's penchant for choosing exceedingly quirky roles that contradict his leading man/model good looks. I actually think its a refreshingly unexpected path for a handsome actor to take. Barnabas Collins is the best role of Depp's that combines strangeness and likability to a perfect degree. And when Barnabas has to let his feral side come out (he is a vampire, after all), Depp is suitably menacing, creating a character that is a web of interesting contradictions.

Michelle Pfeiffer instantly makes Elizabeth Collins Stoddard into a heroic figure we can root for. She is one of my all-time favorite actresses, and what's great about her is how she brings humanity and grace to her roles - even when she's playing a morally ambiguous character like Catwoman in BATMAN RETURNS, a driven attorney in I AM SAM, a sleek and mysterious restaurant owner in TEQUILA SUNRISE, or her role as a fiercely protective mother in this film. I look forward to seeing more of Pfeiffer and Elizabeth in future DARK SHADOWS films.

As the villainous Angelique, Eva Green is ideally cast. I used to think she was miscast in the Bond classic CASINO ROYALE, but now I believe she was asked to play a character with such a complex backstory and motivation that it would've been a challenge for anyone except Meryl Streep to have played her. Here, Green's character is simpler and more streamlined: Angelique, despite her weakness for Barnabas, is an evil figure and Green brings her to life with zest and charisma. She even manages to give the character some nuance and shading - which pays off in the final scene between her and Barnabas. Good work on Green's part. After the muddle that was Vesper Lynd in CASINO ROYALE, Angelique Bouchard is a far more transparent character.

Chloe Moretz, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Earle Hailey, Jonny Lee Smith, Bella Heathcote, and Christopher Lee are all fine as the various members of the Collins clan and the residents of Collinsport. Each of them finds the quirky center in their characters to make us care about what happens to them. The standouts are Bonham-Carter as the droll Dr. Julia Hoffman, who has some great scenes with Depp as Barnabas, and Moretz as the cantankerous teen Carolyn, who has the film's best one-liner: after a long-winded, big-worded insult from Barnabas, she turns to Elizabeth and says: "I'm pretty sure he just called me a hooker."

In the end, DARK SHADOWS wins you over with a surreal and atmospheric blend of laughs, chills, and good old-fashioned family drama. In our review for THE AVENGERS (review # 453), we talked about the classic formula for a good film, regardless of season or genre: (1) establish a group of vivid and sympathetic characters we can care and root for; (2) put them in mortal danger, whether emotional danger (love stories and comedies), spiritual danger (dramas), or physical danger (actioners, thrillers, horrors); and (3) have them try to get themselves out of that danger in some way. DARK SHADOWS follows this formula faithfully, and the result? A solidly good film.

SPOTLIGHT ON: The Latest Trailer for THE BOURNE LEGACY...

Happy Friday, folks... the weekend is finally here, and before the fun starts, please check out the latest trailer for August's THE BOURNE LEGACY. The teaser released earlier this year provided tantalizing glimpses of new assassin Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner), new love interest/ally Marta (Rachel Weisz), old ally Pamela Landy (Joan Allen), old baddie Noah Vosen (David Straithairn), and new baddie Byer (Edward Norton).

We get to see more of what the film will be about: a run-for-your-life chase that echoes the first adventure, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. Looks like Marta is a doctor involved in a new Treadstone-like operation. To avoid exposure, the CIA orders a hit on the entire operation - and everyone who has knowledge of it. Marta is the sole survivor (a la THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR) and must go on the run with Cross to stay alive. The Marta/Aaron plot thread also echoes that of my favorite Bond Girl, Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco) in GOLDENEYE, which also saw a lone female survivor teaming up with a dangerous secret agent to stay alive. We're huge fans of Renner and Weisz in this household, so you can imagine our excitement at the prospect of having them together - and in a Bourne film, no less...

And, part of the chase takes Aaron and Marta to Manila, Philippines. Dig that motorcycle chase sequence. Go, Philippines! Yeah! It's about time the Islands were used in a major Hollywood action film. Love it. I also heard a rumor yesterday that Manila may be a setting for the next Bond film after SKYFALL. If true, that would be great.

I present to you: the latest trailer for THE BOURNE LEGACY:



Please find a link below to a couple of videos that discuss THE BOURNE LEGACY production's very positive experience shooting in the Philippines. It's in Tagalog with no English subtitles, but I'm fluent in the language, thank goodness.

They basically say how proud the Philippine folks are that the country is finally getting a spotlight in a major American film production, actually portraying itself, and not a stand-in for Vietnam, Mexico, or Spain. It appears a significant portion of THE BOURNE LEGACY will take place in the Philippine Islands. In addition to filming in the capital of Manila on the main northern island of Luzon, THE BOURNE LEGACY also filmed in the central island chain of the Palawan group which, I can tell you, has some of the best scuba diving in the world. It is rumored that the ending of THE BOURNE LEGACY will take place in Palawan. If so, that final scene should easily beat the THE BOURNE IDENTITY's wrap-up in Mykonos, Greece. Check out some awesome photos of Palawan island (just one of the 7,107 in the Philippine archipelago) after the report:





Palawan, Philippines:








Have a great weekend, folks. Time allowing, the reviews for DARK SHADOWS, MEN IN BLACK 3, and THE DICTATOR will post by Sunday. It's going to be busy, so please be patient. Thanks!