(Who likes short shorts? WE LIKE SHORT SHORTS! Who likes short shorts? WE LIKE SHORT SHORTS!!!)
CAST: Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Iain Glen, Daniel Craig, Noah Taylor, Chris Barrie, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Richard Johnson.
DIRECTOR: Simon West
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and inevitable Dr. Christmas Jones-Lara Croft comparisons straight ahead…
Turning a popular video game into a film is a very risky proposition. The shelves of the Netflix warehouse and your neighborhood Blockbuster are littered with DVDs of previous attempts to turn pixelated explosions into big-screen entertainment. Some have been good (SILENT HILL, RESIDENT EVIL), others okay (HITMAN, SUPER MARIO BROTHERS), others average (MORTAL KOMBAT), and even more not worth the price of a $1 rental (STREET FIGHTER).
You can’t just have two hours of mindless explosions and colorful stunts. There actually has to be a, you know, story. Otherwise the non-gamers in the audience start getting the shakes and bludgeon someone with their popcorn trays. Basically, Video Game Flicks need to walk the line between pleasing its core fanbase of gameheads, while also attracting folks who have no idea what the hell a PlayStation is.
When plans were announced in the late 90’s to bring the beloved “Tomb Raider” video game to the big screen, expectations were high. When Angelina Jolie was cast as the pixelated heroine, adventuress Lara Croft, expectations and (fanboy hard-ons) went through the roof. Angelina Jolie running around dressed up like Dr. Christmas Jones? Where does the line start?
So… the big question: where does TOMB RAIDER place in the pantheon of Video Game Flicks? Well, we’ll get to that later…
The plot of TOMB RAIDER isn’t exactly Shakespeare. Basically, a bunch of baddies known as The Illuminati are after some sacred object that has the power to turn back time or some other such horseshit. The only person standing in their way is - care to guess? - a certain big-breasted British chick who likes to run around in sweaty tank tops and hot pants and answers to the name “Lara Croft.” Frankly, I liked the character better when she was played by Denise Richards and ran around a missile silo in Kazakhstan, trying to help James Bond prevent the theft of a nuclear bomb that his sexy but utterly insane fuck buddy wanted to use to control the world‘s oil supply. Or am I getting my hot Ph.D-holders mixed up?
Anyway, Lara gets pulled into the fray when she dreams about her long-missing Pops (Jon Voight, Jolie’s real-life Pops) giving her instructions on how to find the key to sacred object. Unfortunately, before she can locate it, it is stolen right from under her nose. Which leads to a chase. Which leads to her meeting up with two potential fuck buddies of her own: (1) Manfred Powell (Iain Glen), another Brit adventurer who always looks ready to literally devour Lara; and (2) Alex West (Daniel Craig), blonde American explorer who also used to be Lara’s fuck buddy, so please cross out the word “potential” back there. Alex has already tapped that ass, and is apparently interested in seconds.
Showing signs of something actually approaching a love triangle, the two men each try to convince Lara that he is the one that she can trust. Lara, obviously knowing that most men only have enough blood in their system to fill one head at a time, tells them to basically go fuck themselves - and goes after the object herself. Which doesn’t exactly please our contenders for the title of “Raider of Lara’s Vagina.” So they both give chase...
Will Lara get the object? Will Manfred manhandle her for it? Will Alex beat them both? Or will he fall for Lara again? Was Lara suffering from “Tequila and Pizza Syndrome” when she had that dream about her Pops? What the hell are they so interested in with traveling back in time for, anyway? Do they want to buy Yahoo or Google stock? Do they want to invent YouTube? What the hell?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Alright, here goes: TOMB RAIDER isn’t the worse Video Game Flick to roll down the pike. Far from it. It can stand alone as a graceful, kinetic, adrenalized action/thriller - and fans of the video games shouldn’t have much to complain about. Director Simon West knows how to keep the action moving briskly forward, without exhausting the audience.
The cast is also instrumental in keeping this movie above the average line. Iain Glen and Daniel Craig make good leading men. Glen does the “Evil Brit” thing quite well, while Craig suppresses his own British accent to successfully play an American. Watching him here, you have no inkling that he’d have what it takes to become James Bond - as he would be crowned just five years later. I suppose that’s a testament to Craig’s versatility.
Make no mistake, though: this film belongs to Angelina Jolie. She takes ownership of Lara Croft and turns her into something more than a cartoon. Sure, Lara is closer to a caricature than a full-blooded character, but Jolie’s confident performance keeps us interested in our heroine’s mission - every step of the way. And in the interest of keeping it in the family, let me just add that Jolie’s real-life father, Jon Voight, has nice cameo as Lara’s missing and beloved dad.
All in all, TOMB RAIDER is an above-average entry into the Video Game Flick genre. The sequel (TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE) is even better - because it’s got Gerard Butler. Sizzle.
