(Time to call the Ghostbusters. Now, GODDAMNIT!! NOW!! KILL THIS FUCKING MOVIE NOW!!)
CAST: Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Michael Douglas, Anne Archer, Emma Stone, Robert Forster.
DIRECTOR: Marc Waters.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and rather questionable Scrooge parallels straight ahead…
The first sign that GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST is a film you should treat with the same seriousness you should extend a stock tip from a meth-head, is the scene where our hero, fashion photographer Conner Mead (Matthew McConaughey), convinces some singer/actress/bimbo to pose with an apple on her head. What’s so unbelievable about that? Well, hang on: a second later, a Japanese archer appears from the wings and, at Connor’s command, fires an arrow into the apple perched precariously on the terrified airhead celebrity’s, uh, head.
Right. Sure. That would be completely believable - in a world where attorneys and lawsuits don’t exist, that is. Evidently, the movie would have us believe that Connor Mead is such a brilliant stud muffin photographer that he can get away with shit like that. Then again, the movie exists in a world where Matthew McConaughey plays a guy who breaks up with three girlfriends. At the same time. On a video conference call.
Right. Sure. Only in movies do we find lecherous dirtbags this creative. Or at least movies like GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST, which would have us believe that a rampant lothario like Connor Mead is visited by the: (1) the Ghost of Girlfriends Past; (2) the Ghost of Girlfriends Present; and (3) the Ghost of Girlfriends Future. All during the weekend of Connor’s brother Paul’s (Breckin Meyer) wedding. Which is the second sign that GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST is probably not a film that will score high on the credibility scale - the fact that Matthew McConaughey and Breckin Meyer play brothers. Don’t get me wrong - both these guys are very handsome in their own ways. Just very different ways. Like a sleek rattlesnake and an adorable koala bear pretending to be siblings.
Anyhow, Connor’s presence at the rehearsal dinner is about as soothing as Bengal tiger in a hen house. For example, he does the following: (1) clashes with old pal and ex-flame Jenny Perotti (Jennifer Garner); (2) gets drunk and basically calls the sacrament of marriage a ridiculous travesty; (3) runs afoul of Paul’s soon-to-be father-in-law (Robert Forster); and (4) generally makes an unpleasant ass out of himself.
Not for long though, because the first of the Ghosts shows up and takes him on a journey through his past to show Connor how he became the incorrigible jerk that he is. And that ghost is his Uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas), a legendary womanizer that was Connor’s guardian after his parents died. Wayne warns Connor that if he doesn’t change his ways, he’s going to regret it - like Wayne himself eventually did. Like picking up a tall blonde in a bar with shoulders that are just a little too broad, a voice a little too deep, and hands a little too big. With a lump on her throat that looks suspiciously like an Adam’s Apple.
Will Connor learn from Uncle Wayne, the other three ghosts, and his journey? Will he realize the error of his ways? Will he try to make it up to Paul and his psycho bride, Sandra (Lacey Chabert), and save their wedding? Or will he fuck it up royally? Will he re-connect with Jenny? Or will she basically show him her hand and tell him to talk to it? Why is Matthew McConaughey’s tan the color of a Sicilian Blood Orange?
Discover for yourselves. And play a drinking game where everyone does shots whenever Connor is referred to as a “Man-Whore.”
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The only reason this film rates a ** (mediocre) and not *½ (utter crap) or even (God help it) lower, is the presence of some amusing scenes and funny lines. However for every one of those, there’s about ten that are just lame or corny. Watching this movie gave me the sensation watching a raft slowly sink into a lake - and feeling sorry for the nice people stuck on it.
The cast, led by Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner, are talented and have done better work elsewhere. Here, they are stuck playing characters that are only sporadically interesting. Connor Mead comes across as poor man’s Mike Chadway from THE UGLY TRUTH (review # 133). In that movie, Gerard Butler played a similar unapologetically promiscuous character - but sold him to the audience because he was hilarious. Aside from some droll lines and a few sharp scenes, Matthew McConaughey is stuck with character who doesn’t have much charm (despite all appearances to the contrary) under that smug surface. Which is why Connor Mead doesn’t hold a candle to Mike Chadway. Chadway told it like it is without being smarmy, while Mead fairly rolls in it.
Jennifer Garner is also stuck playing a rather bland character, despite her best efforts to try to liven her up. Jenny Perotti is supposed to be a no-nonsense good girl who is everyone’s rock. The problem is Jenny comes across as too much of a saint. You just don’t understand what a bad boy like Connor Mead would see in her - and her in him. Sure, the script tries to tell us that Connor is really a romantic who was just led astray by early heartbreak and an influential uncle. But it just all feels… false and lifeless. Contrast this film with THE UGLY TRUTH, which was full of energy but still felt real.
The rest of the cast do their best to support McConaughey and Garner, with Breckin Meyer his usual winning self as Connor’s less flashy brother. Lacey Chabert as the high-strung Sandra is just a tad too histrionic and shrill. Which would be fine, if it were funny. Sadly, it’s not.
The best I can say about GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST is that it had good intentions, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. It’s a shame, too, because there’s a kernel of a good idea buried in the script.
