SPOTLIGHT ON: TOP 10 James Bond Films...

Hello, folks… just a quick post from the road (to sunny Cali) as part of our 50th Anniversary Celebration for the James Bond franchise. Half a century ago, the very first Bond adventure, DR. NO, was released and took the world by storm, since then we’ve had 22 other Bond flicks released to generally great success. The latest, SKYFALL, was released in Europe on Friday, October 26 – and hits American shores this Friday, November 9. I’ve already seen it, and it is AMAZING. Nothing like an opening weekend trip to London just to catch a screening to exhaust the shit out of you. Thank goodness for Vitamin C. But what better way to celebrate the release of SKYFALL than to list our TOP 10 Bond Films – which now includes SKYFALL, as well.

Without further ado, please find below the best 10 of the Bond films, counting down to # 1. With the inclusion of SKYFALL, the order has changed considerably.

off in the screenplay much, much sooner than in the book.



10. THUNDERBALL



YEAR OF RELEASE: 1965

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

SONG: “Thunderball” by Tom Jones

BOND PLAYED BY: Sean Connery

BADDIE: Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), evil agent for evil organization SPECTRE.

BOND GIRLS: Domino Derval (Claudine Auger), Largo’s girlfriend who is also the sister of a NATO major whom he killed while stealing some warheads (survives); Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi), redheaded assassin who can’t decide to whether to fuck Bond – or fuck him and then shoot him in the head. (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Largo has stolen a couple of NATO warheads and wants to spread SPECTRE’s terror through the world by detonating the bombs off Nassau in the Bahamas. Will Bond and Domino stop him in time? What the fuck do you think?

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Most people rate GOLDFINGER higher than THUNDERBALL because it set the Bond Formula that would be used over and over again by the series. However, we disagree: THUNDERBALL takes the template set by GOLDFINGER and really runs with it. There’s also a meanness and grit to this movie that was missing from the more flippant and breezy GOLDFINGER – and Bond is at his sexiest when he is hardboiled and cocky. We also get much stronger Bond Girls in the form of the cat-like Domino and the relentless Fiona, who are more vivid and colorful than Jill, Tully, and Pussy from GOLDFINGER. Audiences must have agreed to a certain point because THUNDERBALL out-grossed GOLDFINGER at the box-office.

TRIVIA: Luciana Paluzzi originally auditioned for the role of the good girl, Domino. However, when she received a callback from the producers, it was to come in and read for the role of Fiona, the villainous henchwoman. Paluzzi was eventually cast as Fiona.






9. THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS



YEAR RELEASED: 1987

DIRECTOR: John Glen

SONG: “The Living Daylights” by A-ha.

BOND PLAYED BY: Timothy Dalton

BADDIE: General Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker) and General Georgi Koskov (Jeroen Krabbe), two of the goofiest clowns that have ever masqueraded as villains.

BOND GIRLS: Actually, make that “Bond Girl”. Singular. In response to the rise of AIDS in the mid-80’s, the Bond producers felt the need to make Bond a one-woman guy. And she is Kara Milovy (Maryam D’Abo), a sweet and naïve cellist who gets pulled into the Spy Game by Bond (survives). No worries, because Bond would return to fucking anything that moves in his next flick, LICENCE TO KILL. Aw, yea…

BADDIE’S PLOT: To set up the assassination of Russian mucky-muck General Pushkin by staging a fake defection by Koskov. Oh, and there’s the added shit about selling a lot of illegal opium on the black market. Whatever. Just give me another shot of Timmy D. in that tux, looking angry. Gets me horny every single time.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Timothy Dalton’s debut as 007 was a nice return to form for the series. After silly entries like MOONRAKER and OCTOPUSSY during the Roger Moore years, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS took us back to the lean, mean, more serious approach of the original Ian Fleming books. Dalton’s grittier take on the character was much more in line with the James Bond of the books. He also paved the way for Daniel Craig’s currently celebrated and popular interpretation of the role – which presents Bond as cocky, deadly, and unforgiving. Bond’s relationship with Kara also has nice innocence about it that is rarely seen elsewhere in the series. Unfortunately, the villains are fairly weak, which is why THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS drops slightly behind LICENCE TO KILL.

TRIVIA: Pierce Brosnan was all but set to step in as Bond after Roger Moore stepped down, but was waylaid by a last-minute renewal of his REMINGTON STEELE contract. Dalton took over at this point.






8. ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE



YEAR RELEASED: 1969

DIRECTED BY: Peter R. Hunt

SONG: “We Have All The Time In The World” by Louis Armstrong

BOND PLAYED BY: George Lazenby

BADDIE: Blofeld (Telly Savalas), Bond’s perennial arch-nemesis who really needs to get a wig or something.

BOND GIRL: Teresa “Tracy” Di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg), Italian heiress who is unlike any woman Bond has met before – let’s just say that she is a good/nice version of Elektra King. Which is what a friend calls me. Is that a compliment? I’ll take it. (Sadly, Tracy dies – sob) Oh, and there’s also a bunch of bimbos at the spa hotel which Bond infiltrates, who end up becoming Blofeld’s pawns in his world domination quest, but I can’t remember their names right now.

BADDIE’S PLOT: Blofeld wants to use the female visitors of his spa to carry a virus with them back to their countries, which will then infect all plants and animals, basically holding the world’s food supply as hostage. That’s pretty fucking scary for someone’s who’s always hungry like me.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: This film is one of the most atypical in the Bond series, primarily because Bond does the unthinkable in it: he gets married. The woman who captures his heart is Tracy DiVicenzo, who is one of the Best Bond Girls ever. With Diana Rigg’s mesmerizing performance as the brilliant, unpredictable, cocky but soulful Tracy, it’s not hard to see why Bond would fall for her. While George Lazenby is nowhere near as memorable as Sean Connery was, he is still okay and doesn’t embarrass himself. Just think of how much more dynamic this film would’ve been with Sean Connery (who stepped down after YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) in the lead. The ending is also the most heartbreaking scene in the entire series.

TRIVIA: Sean Connery would return to the role of James Bond for DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) and the non-EON entry NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN (which is a remake of THUNDERBALL) in 1983.







7. LICENCE TO KILL



YEAR RELEASED: 1989

DIRECTOR: John Glen

SONG: “Licence To Kill” by Gladys Knight

BOND PLAYED BY: Timothy Dalton

BADDIE: Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi), smooth and sexy drug dealer who values loyalty more than money – and basically rips apart anyone who is disloyal to him. Watch out.

BOND GIRLS: Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell), ex-army pilot and current CIA undercover informant against Sanchez – the only one still alive (survives); Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto), Sanchez’s girlfriend who allies with Bond against him – bad move (survives, thankfully).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Well, not much, really. Just wants to keep flooding the world with drugs and making billions from it. Just another day’s work for Franzie boy…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Many critics called THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS gritty and serious when it was released. However, in comparison to LICENCE TO KILL, it is downright breezy and flippant. LICENCE TO KILL is probably the meanest Bond film there is, and we love that. This film started the “this time it’s personal!” theme that would weave its way through future Bond films all the way up to SKYFALL – which is probably the most “personal” Bond film to date (more on that in the review). LICENCE TO KILL also benefits from having strong elements all across the board: a suspenseful plot, strong women, and a terrific villain in the form of Franz Sanchez – one of the best Bond villains ever.

TRIVIA: The original title of LICENCE TO KILL was LICENCE REVOKED – but the studio was concerned that most Americans wouldn’t know what “revoked” meant, and so it was changed. Yes, sir, we’s a bunch of dodos here in America, apparently.







6. QUANTUM OF SOLACE



YEAR RELEASED: 2008

DIRECTOR: Marc Foerster

SONG: “Another Way To Die” by Jack White and Alicia Keys

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric), sleazy French dude who works for QUANTUM, which is kind of like a Facebook Generation version of SPECTRE.

BOND GIRLS: Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko), half Bolivian/half Russian secret service agent who goes rogue in order to get revenge on the bastard who killed her parents (survives); Agent Fields (Gemma Arterton), naïve consulate liaison who is assigned to babysit Bond – only to get fucked senseless by him (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Greene wants to redirect Bolivia’s water supply and hoard it all in an underground reservoir – then charge astronomical prices for water rights. So much for going green…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Just like with LICENCE TO KILL, this movie really divides audiences because they are both so atypical. Sometimes, though, it’s good to stray from the formula. QUANTUM OF SOLACE is a lot shorter and faster than its predecessor, the very popular CASINO ROYALE. Consequently, many folks didn’t know quite how to receive the movie. Since it is a direct sequel to CASINO ROYALE (the first in the series), it is only fitting that the film be given an offbeat look and feel to set it apart from the rest of the franchise. As a one-off exercise in experimental moviemaking, QUANTUM OF SOLACE makes more sense. It also confidently sidesteps the formula for the franchise: Bond and Camille never get intimate, and Bond doesn’t kill the bad guy at the end. It also neatly ties up the Vesper storyline that CASINO ROYALE started.

TRIVIA: The original cut of QUANTUM OF SOLACE runs about three minutes longer, continuing after Bond rescues Corinne from Yussef in Russia. The original ending was supposed to show Bond tracking down Mr. White and killing him for good. However, the producers felt that having the movie end after Bond throws away Vesper’s necklace in the snow would be a better closing point. They also felt that showing the final scene with White would leave the door open for another sequel – and they wanted to end the Vesper storyline once and for all. As a result, this last scene was deleted from the final cut.





5. CASINO ROYALE



YEAR RELEASED: 2006

DIRECTOR: Martin Campbell

SONG: “You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), genius cardplayer and financier to the world’s greatest terrorists. Bit of a gambler, as well. Which leads him into some very hot water…

BOND GIRLS: Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), no-nonsense treasury agent who is assigned to help fund Bond’s poker game against Le Chiffre (dies); Solange Dimitrios (Caterina Murino), unhappy wife to one of the baddies who decides to fuck around with Bond (dies); Valenka (Ivana Milivevic), Le Chiffre’s gal pal who tries to poison Bond (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: After losing his terrorist clients’ money on the stock market (and a foiled terrorist attack), Le Chiffre simply plans to win back all the money through a really high-stakes poker game at the Casino Royale in Montenegro. Fortunately, MI-6 gets wind of this and decides to toss our boy Bond into the mix to try cock-block, er, card-block Le Chiffre’s hand. Trouble and mayhem ensues.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: After tipping dangerously into cartoonish parody territory with the enjoyable but silly DIE ANOTHER DAY in 2002, the producers of the Bond franchise decided (rightly) to reboot the series. Much in the same way they had the mean, deadly Timothy Dalton replace the goofy, breezy Roger Moore back in 1987 with THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, the brains behind the Bond machine brought on the thuggish Daniel Craig to take the reigns from the more suave and polished Pierce Brosnan. And it was a “lightning in a bottle” move. Not only did Craig bring a more vigorous and dynamic interpretation of the character, but he also revived the way the stories are told. CASINO ROYALE has more depth than your average Bond film, and while its central romantic relationship isn’t 100% airtight because of some opaque scripting, it is still very worthy of being in the Top Five.

TRIVIA: Quentin Tarantino was very interested in directing CASINO ROYALE. Also, Charlize Theron, Rose Byrne, and Angelina Jolie were strongly considered for the role of Vesper. Personally, I would’ve loved to have seen either Theron or Byrne in the role.






4. THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH



YEAR RELEASED: 1999

DIRECTOR: Michael Apted

SONG: “The World Is Not Enough” by Garbage

BOND PLAYED BY: Pierce Brosnan

BADDIE: Elektra King (Sophie Marceau), oil tycoon who is intent on wiping out the competition so that her oil pipeline will be the only functioning petroleum provider in the world. She is aided by lapdog Renard (Robert Carlyle), who has a bullet in his head that keeps him from experiencing pleasure or pain. That’s gotta suck.

BOND GIRL: Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), improbably gorgeous American nuclear physicist who gets pulled into the fray when she inadvertently blows the whistle on Bond, thereby allowing Renard to steal a nuclear warhead. Fortunately, her IQ is a big as her tits, and she allies with Bond to fix her mis-step.

BADDIE’S PLOT: See above where we talk about Elektra wiping out the competition to corner the oil market. She plans to do this by using the warhead Renard stole from Christmas’s bunker to contaminate Istanbul – where the competing pipelines’ oil supplies converge. So much for that Turkish holiday…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: As with most of the entries on this list, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH is atypical. That is, it isn’t afraid to tweak the formula and do something new. Elektra King is not only series’ best villain, but also its first female Chief Villain. Bad Girls are nothing new in the Bond franchise, but this is the first time a woman is the one pulling all the strings and not just a henchwoman the way Xenia Onatopp (GOLDENEYE), Fiona Volpe (THUNDERBALL), May Day (A VIEW TO A KILL), Miranda Frost (DIE ANOTHER DAY), and Helga Brandt (YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) did in their films. The relationships between Bond and Elektra, and Elektra and Renard, are also not your usual hero-villain, villain-henchman connections. Also, Denise Richards is a nice sexy presence as Dr. Christmas Jones and is the most underrated actress in the Bond franchise. The character is fine, and Richards plays her well. The only real flaw that movie has is the way it handles Elektra’s fate. While her death scene is gripping, it should’ve been the very final scene. After she departs the action, the film loses a lot of energy and power. Better to have used Bruce Fierstein’s proposed alternate ending where she survives and is confined to an asylum.

TRIVIA: In the first drafts of the THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Christmas was supposed to play a French-Polynesian insurance investigator, but she became an American nuclear physicist in subsequent versions of the script. Javier Bardem (who plays Silva in SKYFALL) was also strongly considered to play Renard.





3. SKYFALL (WARNING: Some SPOILERS ahead)






YEAR RELEASED: 2012

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes

SONG: “Skyfall” by Adele

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Silva (Javier Bardem), bleached-blonde cyberterrorist/hacker who has a real grudge against M (Judi Dench) and MI-6, and seems to have a major boner (seriously) for our boy Bond. Remember how I joked in our review for GOLDFINGER (review # ) that they should have a gay (or gay-ish) villain named Dick Buffet or Schlong Extravaganza? Well, looks like Christmas came early this year… Well, you know what I mean.

BOND GIRLS: Eve (Naomie Harris ), MI-6 field agent who gets to shave Bond’s face, not his chest – which would be a crime (survives); Severine (Berenice Marlohe), Eurasian hottie who is an associate of Silva’s and who gets to shower with Bond (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Pretty simple: kill M and ruin MI-6. This is one vengeful mo-fo.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: I don’t want to spoil more than I already have and would like to save it for the actual review which is already written up and will be released soon, but let’s just say that SKYFALL is the perfect Bond film to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the James Bond franchise: it’s not your typical Bond adventure. It is very atypical, and manages to be both an emotionally full experience while never being less than a suspenseful action ride and dynamic thriller. Everyone is brings their A-game here – as well they should, since SKYFALL rings in half a century of the Bond Universe.

TRIVIA: Early ideas for the movie that would eventually become SKYFALL included the possibility of Rachel Weisz playing that head of Quantum. Had this happened, it would’ve been the second time a woman played the Chief Villain of a Bond movie. The first time was in 1999 with THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, when Sophie Marceau played Elektra King. This idea was discarded, as was any usage of Quantum, in favor of an original story.






2. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE



YEAR RELEASED: 1963

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

SONG: “From Russia With Love” by Matt Monro

BOND PLAYED BY: Sean Connery

BADDIE: Although he remains offscreen throughout the entire film, the Chief Villain here is Blofeld, head of SPECTRE. Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) is just his henchwoman – although she makes for a formidable one. Red Grant (Robert Shaw), is another fearsome henchman.

BOND GIRLS: Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi), Russian cryptography clerk who is pulled into the Spy Game when the baddies recruit her to lure Bond into a deadly trap – then she falls in love with him (survives); Sylvia Trench (Eunice Grayson), Bond’s on-again-off-again girlfriend who must really be tired with having to share him with the rest of the female populace of the World.

BADDIE’S PLOT: SPECTRE wants to get ahold of some decoder contraption that will help them in the Cold War. Rosa Klebb just wants to get her fist in Bond’s stomach. Silly lady…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: The second film in the series, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE has more of an emphasis on suspense and espionage than latter 60’s Bond films like GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE would have. Those films seemed to focus more on action and gadgets, instead of the classic “Spy Thriller” elements that this movie zeroes in on. Connery is clearly comfortable in the role and is a great mix of swagger and seriousness. Bianchi nails her “naïve innocent over her head” role, while Lotte Lenya is a refreshingly no-nonsense henchwoman who paved the way for the similar (if much more attractive) Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) in THUNDERBALL. And Robert Shaw is a great henchman as Red Grant, the seemingly unstoppable thug who is more than a match for Bond. All in all, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is classic Bond.






AND THE # 1 BOND FILM OF ALL TIME:


1. GOLDENEYE




YEAR RELEASED: 1995

DIRECTOR: Martin Campbell

SONG: “Goldeneye” by Tina Turner

BOND PLAYED BY: Pierce Brosnan

BADDIE: Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean), also known as 006 – yes, folks, he and Bond used to be friends. Now they can’t wait to blow each other’s brains out. Boys will be boys…

BOND GIRLS: Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco), brilliant and scrappy Russian computer programmer who allies with Bond to bring Trevelyan down; Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), sadistic pain freak bizarro who is 006’s right-hand gal – and who also crushes men with her thighs. Par-tay!

BADDIE’S PLOT: 006 wants to get revenge on England by setting of an EMP bomb that will destroy all electronics and send the British Empire back to the Stone Age. Oh, and he wants to steal, like, a bazillion pounds while he’s at it. Seems like little Alec is being a bad boy, isn’t he?

WHY IT IS # 1: I distinctly remember watching GOLDENEYE when it first came out back in 1995. A friend and I posed as journalists and crashed an advance screening of it. For the next two hours, we were on Cloud 9 – and spilled out of the theater breathless with excitement. GOLDENEYE gets it right across the board: a strong Bond in the form of Pierce Brosnan, a solid and handsome baddie in the form of Sean Bean – and two terrific Bond girls in the forms of Izabella Scorupco and Famke Janssen. The movie is one big roller-coaster ride that manages to be suspenseful and serpentine, with showstopping setpieces and sequences, combining the best of the Action and Thriller genres at the same time Without question, the best Bond film. Ever.

TRIVIA: GOLDENEYE was supposed to star Timothy Dalton, but the ongoing legal issues ensnaring the studio led to endless delays, ultimately leading Dalton step down. The reigns were passed on to Brosnan, who by then was free of his contractual obligations to REMINGTON STEELE.






Take care, folks… please expect the reviews for CLOUD ATLAS, WRECK-IT RALPH, SKYFALL, and the remaining Bond films to post once we get back into town and throughout November and December. Happy Monday evening…

Belated Happy Halloween (and Fall Review Schedule Changes!)

Hiya, folks...

Sorry for the delay in the Horror Flick postings. It's been an extraordinarily busy October, with birthday celebrations, writing, scuba diving, dancing, and other bizarre activities very apropos for the month of Halloween.

At any rate, with the release of SKYFALL on Friday, November 9, we've decided to turn November into... James Bond 50th Anniversary Month! With that in mind, please expect fewer reviews monthly after the end of the year next month to make room for other massive projects.

For now, let's have fun. Please find the revised schedule below:

# 487 - WRECK-IT RALPH (New Fave Movie Alert!)

# 488 - CLOUD ATLAS (New Fave Movie Alert!)

# 489 - SKYFALL

# 490 - DR. NO

# 491 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

# 492 - THUNDERBALL

# 493 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

# 494 - ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE

# 495 - LIVE AND LET DIE

# 496 - DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

# 497 - THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

# 498 - THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

# 499 - MOONRAKER

# 500 - 500 DAYS OF SUMMER

# 501 - OCTOPUSSY

# 502 - A VIEW TO A KILL







HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY, JAMES!!!

# 486 - HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012)

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012 - COMEDY / ANIMATED / FAMILY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Is this place part of the Westin family of resorts? Didn't think so...)



CAST: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Adam Samberg, Selena Gomez, Cee Lo Green, Fran Drescher, Molly Shannon, David Space, Jon Lovitz.

DIRECTOR: Genndy Tartakovsky

WARNING: Some very good reasons to NOT do the backpacking thang in Transylvania - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I've always wanted to visit Transylvania, mainly to see what the fuck is up with all the Dracula-hoopla. I know he's a fictional character, but if you believe certain sources, he was based on a real-life historical dude from Eastern Europe named Vlad Tepes - also known by the exceedingly warm and fuzzy nickname "Vlad The Impaler." Apparently, Vlad was a bit of a dick, and if you pissed him off, he'd have you impaled on a tall stake - while he ate his dinner below your flailing, thrashing corpse and enjoyed your torment. Like I said: total dick. Anyhow, this is the vicious, bloodthirsty dude whom the literary figure of Count Dracula was based on.

However, if you were to go by our latest review, HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA, you'd think ol' Drac was nothing more than your average over-protective, anal-retentive, slightly OCD, kinda cute, middle-aged father and entrepreneur. You see, in this flick, Dracula (Adam Sandler) runs a ritzy (for creaky ol' Transylvania) hotel resort that caters only to monsters. You know how some cruise ships will only let you on them if you're a flaming homo like me? Well, this is the horror movie version of a gay cruise. Well, come to think of it, depending on what some of the queens are wearing and have been drinking, those cruises are horror movies themselves. Meow...

Anyhow, Dracula's rationale for creating this Holiday Inn of Horrors is pretty simple: he wants monsters of all kinds to have a safe haven from their worst enemies ever: humans. Yes, folks, these scary creatures are scared of... us. Well, at least Dracula is. Apparently, Drac's wife, Martha (Jackie Sandler) was killed by an angry lynch mob not long after she gave birth to their daughter Mavis (Selena Gomez), and since then he has loathed us humans with the force of Casper and Guido hating their walking leashes (deal with it, boys). This has resulted in Daddy Drac forbidding Mavis from ever leaving the hotel and exploring the outside world. Which, for a teen - vampire or human - just coming into her own, is kind of like the Kiss Of Death.

All is well for a few centuries, though, while Drac plays gracious host to his clientele of freaks and bizarros, especially his best pals: (1) Frankenstein (Kevin James); (2) Frankenstein's mouthy wife Eunice (Fran Drescher); (3) Murray the Mummy (Cee Lo Green); (4) Griffin the Invisible Man (David Spade); (5) Wayne the Werewolf (Steve Buscemi); and (6) Wayne's wife Wanda (Molly Shannon). These guys never fail to drop by the Hotel Transylvania every year as if it were the Grand Wailea on Maui. Except they don't get to attend the Maui Film Festival right on the Wailea's front doorstep, natch.

Then everything goes to hell and a handbasket when the last thing anyone expected to ever happen in a million years suddenly, uh, happens: a human stumbles onto the front doorstep of the Hotel Transylvania. But not just any human: a dork of a human. He is Jonathan (Adam Samberg) and is one of those twentysomething world travelers whose most prized possessions are his bong and his backpack. And he is so clueless that the first thing he thinks when he walks into the hotel and sees all the monsters and ghouls around him is that someone must be throwing a Halloween party a little early.

Needless to say, Dracula is a little concerned. After all, he created the Hotel Transylvania so that monsters could escape the persecution of humans. What would his clients and his best pals think if they knew their ranks had been infiltrated by a mortal? Being a fast thinker, Dracula covers Jonathan from head to toe in gray make-up and forces him to act like a zombie - at least until he can sneak him out of the place. Of course, you don't have to be psychic to predict that Jonathan and Mavis end up crashing into each other - and have the same reaction that I had when "Chris Evans' Twin" and I met. Which is basically a look that says: "Before the week is over, I will tie you to the bedposts and drain your nutsac and make you like it."

Except, as we mentioned before, Dracula is your basic overprotective Pops - and he would have a hissy fit from Hell if Mavis were to so much as hook-up with just a monster. Can you imagine the tantrum he would throw if Jonathan, a smelly human, were to ask for her hand in marriage? How will he handle this? Can a vampiress and a dorky backpacker have a future together? Will Dracula's friends and clients find out that Jonathan is masquerading as one of the undead right in their midst? How will this vacation end?

Hard to say. Just don't be surprised if this movie inspires an actual Hotel Transylvania in, uh, Transylvania...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: We’re headed to a screening shortly so I have to keep this short. HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA is a reasonably good animated film that takes the familiar charm of the classic monsters and gives it a comic, contemporary zing. The fact that the main players are played by Adam Sandler and his usual cohorts like Kevin James, David Spade, CeeLo Green, Adam Sandberg, and Steve Buscemi, as well as new cohorts like Fran Drescher and Selena Gomez, further adds some kick to the proceedings.

While it doesn’t quite have the staying power of classic animated films like FINDING NEMO, TOY STORY 1-3, or SHREK (the film this movie is most similar to), HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA has enough clever moments, enough funny setpieces, and just the right amount of emotional texture to give it a solidly good rating. It also has some great songs on the soundtrack. Definitely a great family film for the Halloween Holidays. And, yes, Halloween is a Holiday.

# 485 – TERROR TRAIN (1980)

TERROR TRAIN (1980 – HORROR) ***1/2 out of *****

(I never had this problem on Amtrak before…)



CAST: Jamie Lee Curtis, Hart Bochner, Ben Johnson, Sandee Currie, Derek MacKinnon, DD Winters, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, Howard Busgang, Joy Boushel.

DIRECTOR: Roger Spottiswoode

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously questionably New-Year’-Eve-Party-On-Wheels antics – straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: Last month a friend said that he could see me being the president of a Fraternity. With my bizarrely unique sense of humor (his words) my clever resourcefulness (his words), my ability to basically organize anything (his words) and rally a bunch of different personalities (all his words) to work together to a common, utterly fucked-up goal (still all his words), he said I would be ideal to run a frat house. To which I replied: “sounds fun, but no thanks…” My words, this time. Why, you ask? Well, you see, I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that fraternities and sororities are prime targets for psycho killers – and the higher up you are in the house, the greater your chances of being offed – usually in a very nasty way. It’s usually the lowly pleebs and pledges who make it through the night. Of course, they also have a lot less fun, so maybe I should step into a time machine, go back to college, and start my own fraternity – and live dangerously.

Consider our next Halloween review, TERROR TRAIN. It opens with Pledge Week at some unnamed Northern university that looks pretty fucking cold. The frat boys of Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever and their sorority sisters from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol are having a big bonfire which, I guess, is part of the hazing ritual for the lowly pledges. The house royalty includes: (1) Doc (Hart Bochner), so-named because he is planning to go to med school and is one hot mo-fo that I would play doctor with any day, thank you, and is also the frat president; (2) Mo (Timothy Webber), rich dweeb who is basically Doc’s bitch-boy and money-supplier for the house’s endless schemes and shenanigans; (3) Jackson (Anthony Sherwood), token black dude who is like the Pimp Daddy of the house; (4) Ed (Howard Busgang), comic relief dork who should walk around with a fucking court jester hat; (5) Mitchy, doc’s sorority sistah girlfriend; and last but definitely the hottest: (6) Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis), smart good girl who is Mitchy’s best bud.

The party is going along fine, until our six dipshits decide to play a prank on one of the pledges. He is Kenny Hampson (Derek MacKinnon), and he looks like he weighs about 78 pounds – soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Which makes it really questionable when Doc and his gang tell Kenny that some hot sorority babe from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol wants to get it on with Kenny – immediately. Doc tells Kenny that she is waiting in an upstairs bedroom of the frat house. Kenny, being a horny idiot, falls for it like that anvil tied around his neck to boost him up to a higher weight class (namely, 78 pounds). Next thing you know, Kenny is bounding up them stairs to get his dick wet. Too bad it turns out that the “hot chick” waiting in the bed is actually a dismembered cadaver from the medical school’s lab.

Now, folks, if I found out the person I was going to stick my dick into was actually a corpse, I would be understandably repelled and disgusted. Then I would probably punch Doc and his posse in the stomach. But then I would move on and laugh it off over tequila shots – and find a real person at the party to fuck. Life it too short for grudges, folks…

Our boy, Kenny, on the other hand, is of a different mind. Not only does he not laugh it off, he actually freaks out and has a major spaz attack that pretty much gets him thrown out of school and confined in an asylum. Or something. Needless to say, he doesn’t have to worry about pledging to Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever anymore.
Doc, Mo, Jackson, Ed, Alana, and Mitchy, on the other hand, basically get slaps on the wrist from the Dean and proceed their way through the next four years and eventually graduate from that fucking cold Northern University. Doc, being the brilliant and sexy douchebag that he is, decides to throw a New Year’s Eve Graduation Costume Party (what?!?) on a party excursion train. Now, folks, I love costume parties and dressing up for anything offbeat and wacky – but this is a horror movie, after all, and a costume party is always a bad thing in a horror movie.

Sure enough, our nutjob Kenny shows up in disguise and starts offing our six dipshits, one by one, as revenge for getting his dick hard for someone with rigor mortis. Not only that, but Kenny’s looks have changed over the last four years and no one know what he looks like now. Plus, every time he kills someone, he changes his costume, so it’s hard to keep track of where he is. Did I mention that all this takes place on a moving train chugging through the wilds of Canada at night? It’s looking more and more like our “heroes” should’ve RSVP’d no to this party, eh?

So… will Kenny kill everyone who was part of the prank four years ago? Who will he kill next? Doc? Mitchy? Alana? Mo? Ed? Jackson? Will any of the other students get caught in the crossfire? Will the conductor (Ben Johnson) be able to help? Our are our frat heroes pretty much utterly fucked? Will they have to save themselves somehow?

Like I said, Kenny looks like he weighs about 78 pounds soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Just sit on the fucker until his ribs break. That’s what I would do if I was Doc. Problem solved.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the wake of HALLOWEEN’s stunning success in 1978, the floodgates opened to unleash waves and waves of slasher movies on us. TERROR TRAIN was released in 1980 two years after HALLOWEEN, and although it wasn’t nearly as commercially successful as HALLOWEEN, it remains one of the stronger and more atypical entries in this sometimes questionable sub-genre. The film gains a lot of mileage from its unique setting (that moving train) and the genuinely clever gimmick of having the killer don the costume of each successive victim as he quietly moves his way through the party. This bit creates genuine suspense as it become clear that he can strike at anytime – and anywhere.

Props must also be given to director Roger Spottiswoode and his writer for bringing a sleek, professional sheen to the film, and giving us likable characters who don’t feel like stereotypes. Doc, Mo, Jackson, and Ed all come across as fun guys you’d find in any fraternity, which vivid distinctions between them. Doc is the handsome, clever, confident ringleader; Mo is the rich, submissive, right-hand money man; Jackson is the goofy, sexy ladies man; and Ed is the sarcastic, wacky comic relief. Hart Bochner, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, and Howard Busgang not only make these guys all believable, but also believable as friends.

The female characters are equally nuanced. In these movies, you often have the “good girl” and the “slutty bitch”. What’s great about Alana and Mitchy, though, is how they are not so easy to pin down. While Alana seems to be the more level-headed of the two, she is also a lot more intense and less easy-going than Mitchy. The more seductive Mitchy, on the other had, avoids falling into the trap of being the “slutty bitch” by always having a smile on her face and always being sweet to everyone. It also helps that the actresses who play them, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sandee Currie, have a very strong sisterly vibe about them. Their connection has the believable echo of many close female friendships in real life. This pays off very well in the last half of the film when both women are placed in mortal danger. Bottom line: TERROR TRAIN works as well as it does because its characters are so engaging and mesh well with each other.

Screen veteran Ben Johnson lends some welcome old-school presence and gravity as the conductor who becomes Alana’s valuable ally in tracking down Kenny and stopping his killing spree. TERROR TRAIN also generates suspense early on by making the conductor the first to suspect that something is wrong, while the students blissfully party on. Johnson makes for a very welcome unexpected hero, and his presence helps give TERROR TRAIN an unexpectedly classy sheen. Magician David Copperfield also has a nice-sized role as a party magician who may or may not be a more polished version of Kenny now. Copperfield has not acted in many films, and while he is essentially playing himself here, he does so with flair and charisma, further elevating this movie above others in this sub-genre.

In the end, TERROR TRAIN is worth the ride. It’s scary, suspenseful, and – yes – fun. What more could you ask for in a horror flick from the early 80’s?

# 484 – PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)

PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987 – HORROR / SCI-FI) ***1/2 out of *****

(Ol’ Scratch is knocking at the door – and he’s grumpy. Watch out…)



CAST: Donald Pleasence, Victor Wong, Jameson Parker, Lisa Blount, Dennis Dun, Susan Blanchard, Anne Howard, Ann Yen, Jessie Lawrence Ferguson, Dirk Blocker, Thom Bray, Alice Cooper.

DIRECTOR: John Carpenter

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously devilish, End-of-the-World shenanigan – straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: I don’t imagine there are many scientists who are also Horror Movie fans. After all, more than any other movie genre, horror flicks require some real suspension of disbelief. And scientist are so logical, it’s not even funny. Otherwise, we would’ve walked out of the theater the first time Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees stood up like nothing happened after being shot in the chest with a shotgun. Or after the first time some dimwit teenager decided to investigate a strange sound in a dark room upstairs – instead of running the fuck out the front door and down to the police station for safety. Or after the first time someone’s legs forgot to function properly while being chased by a vicious killer, leading to some serious wipeouts that would shame your average drunk surfer. I just don’t see many scientists buying into this shit.

Which makes our next review, the highly enjoyable PRINCE OF DARKNESS, something of a conundrum. You see, our heroes are a group of scientific graduate students who are asked by their professor, Birack (Victor Wong), to hole up in a rundown L.A. church to investigate something his pal, Father Loomis (Donald Pleasence), discovered in the basement. It’s a canister of foul-smelling liquid, and Loomis believes that is – are you sitting down or carrying something breakable? – the Devil Himself. Dun-DA-DUN-DUN!

As you can imagine, our highly logical and scientifically-minded group of degree-chasers are about as accepting of this theory as I am of the hypothesis that men should shave their chests to be more comfortable. In other words – “Are you out of your FUCKING MIND? Keep that shit furry, yo!” Nevertheless, our students know that they must please Birack if they hope to ever get their PhDs, so they reluctantly agree to spend a weekend at the shithole church, analyzing the huge vial of loogie to see if Birack and Loomis are right. Or if they’ve just been sucking on the same bong. I’m thinking the latter, folks. Probably sucking each other, too. Par-tay!

But I digress. Anyhow, our intrepid scholars are: (1) Brian Marsh (Jameson Parker), barrel-chested blonde dude who is great at cards and trailing hot chicks; (2) Catherine Danforth (Lisa Blount), smokin’ hot brainy redhead chick whom Brian likes to trail; (3) Walter Something-Or-Other (Dennis Dun), comic relief Asian dude who is forever whining like a bitch with cramps; (4) Kelly Forgetting-Her-Last-Name (Susan Blanchard), sweet blonde lady who is obviously destined to have something really nasty happen to her because she is a sweet chick in a horror flick; (5) Lisa Some-Asian-Sounding-Surname (Ann Yen), Asian chick whom Walter seriously offends by saying she could pass for Asian (um, bitch, he’s right – why are you raging?); (6) Susan (Anne Howard), hot chick with glasses who learns first-hand why horror movie characters should never wander off alone in sketchy places; and (7) Lomax (Jessie Lawrence Ferguson), smokin’-hot dark-haired dude who looks like Keanu Reeves and Richard Gere’s love child. I’d fuck him.

Oh, and there’s about six or seven more students, but the above 7 are the main players. And it’s not worth listing the others since that stupid canister opens itself and starts converting them one by one into pissed-off zombies who contaminate the others by – no joke – spitting in their face. It’s as if an episode of JERSEY SHORE or THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI got fused with THE EXORCIST and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Anyhow, before you know it, most of the graduate students have been demonically possessed – and only Birack, Loomis, Catherine, Brian, Walter, and Lomax are left to try to defeat the Devil and his, uh, devilish plan. Hey, at least the hottest ones survived the longest. Par-tay!

So… what exactly is in that canister? Is it really Satan himself? And what about the ancient book that Lisa translated? What does it mean when it says that Satan is trying to rescue his father, the Anti-God, from the “dark side”? What is Satan’s agenda? And what does the book mean when it says that “one will be chosen”? Who is the “chosen one”? Is that a good thing? Or a really, really nasty thing? And who will be chosen? Brian? Catherine? Lisa? Kelly? Walter? Birack? Loomis? Susan? Lomax (please not him – he’s really cute)? Or is it… someone else? And what happens when the team members start having the same mysterious dream whenever they fall asleep? Is it just a dream? Or a warning from the future? A message on how to change events to save mankind? Is that even possible with Pimp Daddy Lucifer about to make his grand debut on Earth?

All I can say is this: The End is Near – jump the bones of the hottie you’ve been jonesing after before it’s too late!

STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Of all horror auteur John Carpenter’s films, PRINCE OF DARKNESS is probably his most underrated. Unlike ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, HALLOWEEN, THE FOG, and THE THING, this film is generally not as celebrated or regarded as a classic. Which is a shame, because it is just as effective and scary. PRINCE OF DARKNESS has the Carpenter trademarks: atmospheric widescreen lensing, an evocative and brooding synth score, a gradually-building sense of dread and doom, likable and quirky characters, and – last but definitely not the least – a zinger of an ending.

PRINCE OF DARKNESS’s relative obscurity is puzzling. Budgeted at a modest (for 1987) $3 million, the film grossed almost $ 15 million at the North American box-office during its initial release, more than making its budget back and earning a respectable profit at the same time – making it a clear hit. Unfortunately, because of some rather negative high-profile reviews, PRINCE OF DARKNESS is usually seen as a misfire in John Carpenter’s body of work. The fact of the matter, though, is that it is a solidly good horror flick that posits some offbeat themes and imagery – and juxtaposes some intriguing and provocative ideas about science, religion, and faith. Ultimately, I think the movie was just ahead of its time with heady and cerebral handling of what is usually standard horror material. Thankfully, it is remembered better and better as time goes on, with talks of a remake beginning to circulate.

Carpenter’s strong hand with helming suspenseful set-pieces is once again in abundance here. From the very first opening shots, he does an excellent job of setting up the apocalyptic central premise, while also taking the time to establish the critical human touches. He doesn’t neglect the gradually building connection between two of the graduate students, Brian and Catherine, which becomes the film’s emotional center later on – and pays off in the stunning double-whammy finale. As with his more celebrated works mentioned above, Carpenter never forgets to root the horror in human terms, and he does this by deftly and efficiently shaping the main players and their links to each other. As Brian and Catherine, the pivotal central couple, Jameson Parker and Lisa Blount have a believable chemistry that sells their relationship. It’s a testament to the strength of this plot thread that the ending is as powerful as it is. Not going to say anymore, because I would be giving away too much.

Donald Pleasence, Victor Wong, Dennis Dun, Ann Yen, Susan Blanchard, Anne Howard and Jessie Lawrence Ferguson all deliver vivid work in their small but important roles. Rock star Alice Cooper has nice, creepy cameo as one of the street people who is possessed first by the evil very early on. As with the best of Carpenter’s work (THE THING, THE FOG, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13), PRINCE OF DARKNESS is an ensemble piece, and all the actors deliver their parts strongly.

The only thing that keeps PRINCE OF DARKNESS from rating higher than good (***1/2) is that Carpenter’s premise deserved a higher budget than $ 3 million. Still, with his limited resources he manages to craft a thought-provoking, eerie, scary, offbeat horror film that isn’t afraid to be different – and therefore interesting.

# 483 – THE ORPHANAGE (2007)

THE ORPHANAGE (2007 – MYSTERY / THRILLER / DRAMA / HORROR) ****1/2 out of *****

(Should’ve stayed in Madrid, sweetie…)



CAST: Belen Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Princep, Montserrat Carrulo, Mabel Rivera, Geraldine Chaplin.

DIRECTOR: Juan Antonio Bayona

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to stay the fuck out of old creepy houses deep in the Spanish countryside – straight ahead…






IT’S LIKE THIS: You know that saying “You can never really go home again”? Well, it’s never more true than in horror movies. Look what happened to Christine Morgan (Sally Field) in the 1972 proto-slasher flick HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (not the goofy comedy of the same title by Jodie Foster from the early 90’s, although it’s pretty fucking scary in its own way, too). Chris and her sisters went back to their ancestral abode to spend time with their dying Pops (Walter Brennan) around the Christmas tree, only to end up being knocked off, one-by-one, by a killer in a hooded raincoat. Merry Christmas, my ass.

Or look at what happened to Elizabeth Solley (Maggie Grace) in that piss-poor remake of THE FOG from 2005 (review # ). She left glamorous, dazzling New York City to return home to damp, soggy Antonio Island, Oregon to figure why the fuck she was having recurring dreams of sailors with their faces peeling off, only to wind up being dragged away by their ghosts at the end. Was the trip really worth it, sweetie? Was New York so boring that you had to go looking for trouble in the rainy Northwest? You got what you asked for, bitch.

Then there was Chris Higgins (Dana Kimmell) from FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3, who rounded up her friends and whisked them away to her childhood country home, ostensibly for a weekend of drinking, partying, and no-strings-attached fucking. Turns out, though, that Chris was attacked by one Mr. Jason Voorhees (he of the Hockey Mask fame) at the house when she was younger, and she is now using the trip as a way to – ahem – “exorcise her demons and move on.” Right. Try explaining that to your friends, Chris, since they’re about to be sliced and diced like a bunch of veggies in a Cuisinart by Bad Boy Jason just because you have some “issues.” Couldn’t you have “exorcised your demons and move on” by – oh, I don’t know – going to Maui and fucking a divemaster / lifeguard like I did? Did you really have to go back to the place where you were attacked? Girl, we need to talk. I can give you some pointers. If you survive this time, that is…

And now we have the lovely, lovely heroine of our next review, the fabulous Spanish horror flick THE ORPHANAGE. She is the, um, lovely, lovely Laura (Belen Rueda). Like the “homecoming heroines” of the movies we just discussed, Laura is returning to the house she grew up on the isolated (really isolated – I’ve been there) Northern coast of Spain. Unlike those other ladies, though, Laura’s home isn’t your average home. It was actually an orphanage. A-fucking-hem. Yup, seems Laura was raised in the orphanage, and was adopted at the age of 10. She then moved to the city of Madrid, and now that she is all grown up, she has bought the orphanage (which closed down years ago) and plans to re-open it as a home for “special needs” children. Bad idea. Very, very bad idea. I shall explain why shortly.

Accompanying Laura is her faithful and sort-of-cute hubby Carlos (Fernando Cayo), who is a doctor. They also have their adopted son, Simon (Roger Princep). Simon, like Laura, is also an orphan. Unfortunately, he was also an HIV baby, and requires special medical attention every day. Are you starting to see why Laura decided to come back and re-open the orphanage? Yup, our lovely, lovely lady wants to do right by helping others just like her adopted son. Too bad she picked the wrong house to do it in. As they say, the road to hell is paved by… well, you know the rest. Sure enough, not long after arriving, strange things start to happen: Simon starts talking to an invisible friend, Laura begins hearing footsteps in empty corridors, and the whole house starts looking like something out of a really fucked-up Scooby Doo episode. It doesn’t help that Laura gets a surprise visit from a creepy (really creepy) chick named Benigna Escobedo (Montserrat Carrulo), who claims to be a social worker checking on Simon’s condition – but actually seems a lot more like Morticia Addams’ shorter, homelier sister. It doesn’t come as a surprise that Laura pretty much throws the spooky bitch out on her shriveled ass. Of course, that doesn’t stop Benigna from coming back that night and ransacking the storage shed behind the orphanage – prompting Laura to toss her out yet one more time. Benigna sure is persistent for someone who looks at least a hundred years older than dirt, eh? What is she after?

Then, on the grand re-opening day of the orphanage, Simon disappears. The assumption is that Benigna kidnapped him. But if so, why didn’t anyone at the opening party see anything? And what role does the nearby seaside cave that Simon used to visit all the time have in his disappearance? For that matter, what role does Benigna have in the whole mystery? Is it more – or less – than what it appears to be? And what happened in the orphanage years ago after Laura was adopted and left? What happened to the other orphans who stayed behind? Why did they just disappear all of a sudden? What will Laura find out when she digs into the dark history of the orphanage? Will she find a vital clue to Simon’s disappearance? Or will she uncover another sinister mystery? Is everything connected?

Like I said: A-fucking-Hem, people…



BUT, SERIOUSLY: I hesitate to use the term “horror film” to characterize THE ORPHANAGE because it seems to be too simple and cheap a label. THE ORPHANAGE, quite simply, is a deeply intelligent, moving, layered, and beautifully realized supernatural mystery/thriller with strong dramatic overtones. It even manages to weave some child-like Peter Pan-flavored themes into its striking tapestry. If the heartbreaking finale doesn’t jerk some tears out of you, you may not be capable of feeling anything. In past reviews, I’ve stated that THE FOG 1980 is my favorite horror film. Tying for second are INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS 1978, THE STEPFORD WIVES 1972, and THE ORPHANAGE. All four films share one striking characteristic: the ability to transcend a potentially tired horror premise to make a larger statement about humanity in general.

THE FOG 1980 took the theme of vengeance and atonement and gave it a hauntingly poetic and graceful tone. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS 1978 and THE STEPFORD WIVES 1972 took the themes of alien invasion and sinister conspiracy and rooted in a rising fear of losing our humanity and individuality. Finally, THE ORPHANAGE takes the standard “haunted house” formulas and gives it a devastating emotional resonance that makes it the best haunted house flick we’ve ever seen – even better than THE CHANGELING.

As with any good film – horror or otherwise – THE ORPHANAGE has a very strong script. Director Juan Antonio Bayuda takes his time in delineating the personalities and idiosyncrasies of his main players. He doesn’t make the mistake of telegraphing plot points or revealing his cards too soon, instead preferring to dole information out in a masterfully graceful and hypnotic way. By the time we get the full story on Laura, Carlos, and Simon’s past, as well as the secrets of the orphanage, we are emotionally invested in them as a family – and in the movie’s darkly compelling plot.

Just as Adrienne Barbeau held THE FOG 1980 together with her riveting portrayal of a ballsy but vulnerable radio deejay who is the first to become aware of the growing threat just off the coast of her town, so too does Belen Rueda carry THE ORPHANAGE on her shoulders with her performance as Laura, a woman whose well-intentioned act of re-opening the orphanage leads to some very nasty secrets from the past coming to light. Rueda has a very nice way of being extremely expressive, speaking volumes with a hidden look, a small smile, and even just a casual turn of the head. This is one talented woman, and she holds the screen and our attention effortlessly. Laura is never less than believable in her hands, because everything she does is rooted in the primal instinct of a mother fighting to find and protect her son – and anyone with children in their lives will empathize greatly with her plight. Rueda’s portrayal is award-caliber, and Laura is one of the best heroines in the Horror Genre.

Rueda is aided by a strong supporting cast. Fernando Cayo portrays Carlos with careful modulations of reason, caution, and growing anxiety as he and Laura realize that the reasons behind Simon’s disappearance may not be of this world. Mabel Rivera portrays Pilar, the police psychologist who is deeply skeptical of the “ghost-hunters” that Carlos and Laura call in to try to help find Simon. Screen legend Geraldine Chaplin makes a vivid cameo as the leader of the investigative team who dig into the orphanage’s past. The sequence wherein she conducts a séance in the house now rivals a similar sequence in THE CHANGELING as one of the most terrifying scenes in Horror Movie history. Then there’s Montserrat Carrulo as the mysterious Benigna, who knows more about the orphanage’s past – and Simon’s disappearance – than she is telling. Benigna is the closest thing THE ORPHANAGE has to a villain, and Carrulo makes her a deeply unsettling one.

The film’s emotional center, however, is Simon. His disappearance is at the heart of THE ORPHANAGE – and Laura’s increasingly desperate and frantic efforts to find him are the motor that powers this movie. As such, Simon needed to be played by the right child actor. The problem with some young performers, ironically, is their inability to play believable children onscreen. Too often, they come across as too precocious to the point of being artificial. Roger Princep, however, delivers a performance that both looks and feels real – in short, he registers a full-blooded kid. In Princep’s hands, Simon is an authentic mix of willful feistiness and appropriate immaturity. He matches Rueda’s intensely emotional performance as Laura – just as he should.

Ultimately, THE ORPHANAGE manages to be more than just a horror movie – it also becomes as deeply moving character study of the great lengths a mother will go to save her son. And it has one of the most beautifully bittersweet endings of any film out there today. And how many horror films have you seen that made you tear up at the end with its emotional power? Not many, I’m sure…

# 482 – THE FOG (2005)

THE FOG (2005 – HORROR / REMAKE) ** out of *****

(I can’t see a goddamn thing… but that might be a good thing here)




CAST: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Selma Blair, Deray Davis, Rade Sherbadja, Adrian Hough, Sara Botsford.

DIRECTOR: Rupert Wainwright

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one thoroughly misguided remake – straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: You know how you hear some news that first sounds great but then, ever-so-gradually, you start to get the sinking feeling that the whole thing may not be such a hot idea, after all? Well, that’s exactly how I felt when I first heard that John Carpenter’s horror classic THE FOG (review # 232 ) from 1980 was being remade. At first, I was like “Fuck, YEAH!!!” because it is my favorite horror film of all time, for reasons we will discuss more in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of our review. Most movie fans usually are not too keen on seeing their favorite flicks remade, but I am not one of them. I am usually tickled pink because not only will the original film receive the attention of a new generation, but a remake basically allows the same story to be told from a different angle.

However, as THE FOG 2005 neared its release date, my expectations started to drop as fast as my inhibitions about dancing half-naked on a table in an Oahu night club after the ninth shot of tequila. It was hard to pin down exactly why, because the trailers and teasers looked fine. Rupert Wainwright who helmed the interesting EXORCIST-type entry STIGMATA was directing. The cast was peopled by such familiar and reasonably-talented faces as Tom Welling from SMALLVILLE, the wonderfully quirky Selma Blair, and a winsome, pre-TAKEN Maggie Grace.

Then the movie came out. And let’s just say I kind of felt like the way Stephen Rea’s character must have felt in THE CRYING GAME when he was preparing to fuck Jaye Davidson’s character senseless, only for him to find out that the she was actually a guy who really passes as a girl – and has an even bigger dick than him. In other words: Biggest. Fucking. Disappointment. EVER. No pun intended. We will go into the particulars in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of this review. For now, let’s breakdown the “plot” of this steaming pile of mediocre shit.

As with the original THE FOG, the movie takes place in a small coastal community. In the 1980 original, it was Antonio Bay, California. In this “remake,” it is Antonio Island, Oregon. Which is already one strike against this flick because, let’s face it, California is a much more swinging place than Oregon. Anyhow, as with the original, the town is about to celebrate its centennial anniversary. As with the original, these celebrations include honoring the noble founding forefathers for organizing the township charter. As with the original, the noble founding forefathers turn out to be a bunch of sketchy, murderous, lying, greedy, sleazoid fuck-tards who secretly butchered a bunch of rich lepers in the middle of a foggy night and stole their money to launch the township. And, as with the original, the fog returns on the night of the centennial celebration, bringing the ghosts of the dead lepers for one long night of bloody payback.

And that, folks, is where the similarities between the two films ends with such a spectacular crash. Because even though we have here essentially the same group of imperiled characters here as in the original, you won’t give a flying reverse cowgirl missionary doggie-style fuck about who lives and who dies in this flick. Unlike in THE FOG 1980, I was rooting for those leper ghosts to unleash can of kick-butt on these “heroes” – who are all pretty and cute, but about as distinctive and interesting a soggy cardboard box left in the rain. In fact, every single time any of these idiots came in close proximity to that evil, sentient fog bank, I started to chant: “Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! DIE ALREADY!!!” I’m not even going to list the main players because they’re all pretty much as vivid and memorable as The Smurfs. Actually, that might be an insult to the Smurfs – who are actually more complex and layered creatures.

So… bottom line: go see the THE FOG 1980 instead. ASAP. And use the DVD for THE FOG 2005 as a beer coaster. Or a paperweight. Or a frisbee.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: When I first heard that the original THE FOG was being remade while I was still living in Italy back in 2004, I was quite happy. THE FOG 1980 is my favorite horror film because of the poetic, imaginative way that writer/director John Carpenter (HALLOWEEN, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE THING, PRINCE OF DARKNESS) created a gradually building atmosphere of dread and doom – and also because of how he took a potentially hoary premise (a supernatural fog with vengeful ghosts inside) and made it scary and chilling.

Also, while most movie fans are averse to remakes of their favorite films and object to them, I actually welcome them. Not only does a remake signal the worthiness of the original and allows a new generation of filmgoers to discover it, it also allows the same story to be given a different spin. Most remakes change something to “update” the story or view it from a different perspective. Consequently, a remake also serves a historical purpose, as well, by reflecting the time of its production. With this in mind, I prepared myself for some changes to the original story of THE FOG to be in accordance with current horror movie norms – such as: a younger cast, more technology, and a faster pace.

Even with that in mind, though, I was not prepared for just how much THE FOG 2005 fails as not only a remake to a horror classic like THE FOG 1980 – but also just as a standalone film. This film, put simply, is awful when compared to its accomplished forebear. When viewed on its own, it is just a tad better, rising to the negligible level of mediocre (**). The main problem is this: Carpenter knew that, with such a potentially silly idea as this, he had to approach the story with a subtle and understated hand that downplayed its weaknesses and heavily highlighted its moody and eerie assets. However, the remake’s director, Rupert Wainwright, unfortunately takes a heavy-handed and borderline-bombastic style that destroys any chance of taking anything seriously or being frightened by it. His over-reliance on CGI and repetitive shots of people being thrown by the ghosts through windows cannot compare with Carpenter’s “hand-made” and far more frightening set-pieces from the original.

Another reason I love THE FOG 1980 is how real its characters come across. That movie was very much an ensemble film, and we got to know a diverse group of characters as the real nature of the fog (and the crime behind it) was gradually revealed as night approached. Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Atkins, Janet Leigh, Nancy Loomis, and Hal Holbrook all gave us characters who felt authentic and were therefore worth being concerned for. THE FOG 2005, however, recasts the lead roles with actors and actresses who have given stronger work elsewhere – but simply do not bring their A game to their parts here. Tom Welling is a very handsome guy, and as Clark Kent/Superman in SMALLVILLE he is a very compelling presence. Here, however, he is bland and just not believable as Nick Castle, a fishing charter business owner. From Nick’s very first line (“This is God’s country, boys!”), you never lose the sense of an actor just saying lines – rather than a full-blooded character speaking from his heart, unlike Tom Atkins with the same role back in 1980. Same thing goes for Adrian Hough, whose take on a character made memorable and distinctive by Hal Holbrook in the 1980 version is sadly forgettable. Father Malone commanded attention in THE FOG 1980 just by walking into the room. Here, he fades into the background, which is not how it should be.

As for the women, they are just as unremarkable. Maggie Grace does the best with her expanded role of Elizabeth Solley, and this decision to make Elizabeth’s role bigger and have her try to solve the riddle of what happened over a century ago is what gives THE FOG 2005 what little suspense it has. Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s storyline predictably leads to a capper that is more silly than chilling – and thoroughly destroys what little plausibility the film has. As mentioned before, John Carpenter directed THE FOG 1980 with the correct assumption that a subtle and more low-key approach would keep things believable. Wainwright, on the other hand, pulls out all the stops and turns the movie into a ridiculous carnival ride that ultimately goes nowhere.

The film’s biggest disappointment, however, is how it portrays the character of Stevie Wayne, the radio deejay who, in the 1980 original, was the first to become aware of the growing menace and threat that the fog posed for the community – and risked both her life and her son’s life to warn the townspeople. Adrienne Barbeau played her with pitch-perfect precision, balancing dry humor, modesty, cockiness, smarts, guts, and vulnerability. Stevie Wayne is one of my favorite movie heroines, and no one can top Barbeau’s interpretation of her. With that in mind, I knew whoever played her in the remake had some big shoes to fill. The best I could hope for was that the performance would be reasonably good. I was not prepared for just how disappointing it would be. Selma Blair is a talented actress, and while she has the hip, edgy look of a radio deejay, she doesn’t deliver on Stevie’s emotional complexity - which Barbeau nailed so well. It doesn’t help that the expansion of Elizabeth’s role also reduces Stevie’s part in the remake. As a result, we don’t have the same vicarious sense of building dread that we got from Stevie in the original. In the end, the decision to scale back Stevie’s part conxiderably and make this more of a showcase for Elizabeth is what ultimately does this film in, despite some initial promise.

In the end, THE FOG 2005 will go down in the annals of movie history as one of the most disappointing horror remakes ever. To see a horror film that understands the art of building mood, atmosphere, and terror from so little, see John Carpenter’s THE FOG from 1980. To see how NOT to make a horror movie, original or remake, see THE FOG 2005.