# 83 BASIC INSTINCT (1992)

BASIC INSTINCT (1992 - EROTIC THRILLER/MYSTERY/SUSPENSE) ***1/2 out of *****

(Sharon Stone leaves her panties at home. Goes commando. Makes the world fall in love with her.)



CAST: Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone, George Dzundza, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Leilani Sarelle, Denis Arndt, Bruce A. Young, Dorothy Malone, Stephen Tobolowsky.

DIRECTOR: Paul Verhoeven

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and seriously questionable icepick usage right up ahead...




"A brutal murder. A brilliant killer. And the cop who can't resist the danger..."
- poster tagline for BASIC INSTINCT


I remember the first time I heard about BASIC INSTINCT. It was 1990, and I was reading PEOPLE magazine or something. The article reported on then-hot screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (JAGGED EDGE, SLIVER, BETRAYED) scoring a $ 3 million pay-day for his script - which was about a San Francisco homicide detective who finds himself being drawn, like a moth to the flame, to the beautiful prime suspect in the brutal ice-pick murder of a retired rock and roll star. The woman is a novelist who: (1) is icy and mysterious, (2) was dating the victim, and (3) recently wrote about the murder of an, ahem, retired rock and roll star with, double ahem, an ice pick. Is the woman the killer? Or is someone setting her up? My reaction was somewhere along the cool and logical lines of: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT!?!?!"

See, growing up I wanted to be a screenwriter - like many film geeks - and one of my "prized" scripts was called STILETTO. It was a mystery/thriller about a New York homicide detective who finds himself drawn, like a moth to the flame, to the beautiful prime suspect in a series of brutal stiletto slayings of Manhattan men. The woman is a music video director who: (1) is icy and mysterious, (2) was dating all of the victims at one time or another, and (3) directed a music video wherein a stiletto is used to stab a man tied to a bed - the same way all her ex-boyfriends were subsequently killed. Is the woman the killer? Or is someone setting her up? Needless to say, I was a bit miffed. I mean, not that STILETTO would ever have gotten made even if BASIC INSTINCT had never seen the light of the day. But still, it's nice to dream, eh?

Knowing there was no earthly way Joe Eszterhas could've read my script for STILETTO - given he was in L.A. and I was in Asia - I just shrugged and chalked it up to one of life's numerous fucked-up coincidences -and moved on. Naturally, I was eager to see how BASIC INSTINCT would turn out - and getting a vicarious thrill out of imagining it was STILETTO. By the time I moved back to the States in 1991, casting was underway.

That first article I read in PEOPLE had mentioned Mel Gibson and Michelle Pfeiffer being considered as, respectively, Nick Curran, the detective, and Catherine Trammell, the potentially-lethal woman whose spell he falls under. Eventually, Michael Douglas landed the role of Nick. The part of Catherine, however, proved to be much more difficult to cast. As conceived and written, Catherine was supposed to be seductive, intelligent, cool, calculating, playful, enigmatic, ruthless, kind, tender, and vulnerable - all at the same time. In short, it was a complex and fascinating part. Unfortunately, the script also called for extensive nudity and sex scenes. This is what caused Pfeiffer to pass on it.

After Michelle Pfeiffer turned down the role of Catherine Trammell, an astonishingly long list of actresses were supposedly considered: Kim Basinger, Kelly Lynch, Julia Roberts, Demi Moore, Jodie Foster, Mariel Hemingway, Brooke Shields, Meg Ryan, Debra Winger, Greta Scacchi, Geena Davis, Ellen Barkin, Kelly McGillis, and Emma Thompson - that I know of. In the end, all these talented women reportedly passed on the role because of the nudity required - and the sexual situations that Catherine and Nick enacted in the script. Would anyone ever take the role of Catherine?

Enter Sharon Stone. Up until this point, Stone had been quietly and patiently toiling in B-movies and had recently garnered some attention in the supporting role of Arnold Schwarzenegger's treacherous wife in TOTAL RECALL (1990). Tall, blonde, and with a hypnotic beauty that could go cool, icy, or warm at a moment's notice - and then back again, Stone was perfect for the role of Catherine Trammell. Unfortunately, the producers wanted an A-lister and, at the time, Stone was decidedly B-list. But things usually unfold the way they should, and she eventually wound up with the role...

... and the rest is history.

BASIC INSTINCT opens with a couple having some seriously hot sex in a bedroom that totally looks like a porno set. The woman has blonde hair that hides her face. She rolls over on top of the guy - who looks flabby and old but, hey, he's obviously rich and might have a huge dick. Anyway, they slide down that awesome home-stretch to Orgasm Nirvana. But, just as they're about to make a home-run that would register on the Richter scale and permanently curl their toes and make their eyes roll back into their heads, the blonde chick pulls out an ice-pick from under the sheets and..... Well, let's just say that it gets messy - in more ways than one.

The victim is Johnny Boz (Bill Cable), and is a respected San Francisco businessman who was friends with the Mayor and once a rock and roll star. Naturally, the SFPD take a great interest in the case. Detective Nick Curran (Michael Douglas) is the top dick (ha ha) on the case, despite having some issues with Internal Affairs, and starts sniffing along with his partner, Gus (George Dzundza). The trail leads to the last person who evidently saw Boz alive: his sometime-girlfriend Catherine Trammell (Sharon Stone). Further research uncovers that: (1) Catherine is a Magna Cum Laude graduate of UC Berkley with (2) degrees in Psychology and Literature; (3) inherited assets amounting to $110 million from her dead parents; (4) is bisexual and has a hot girlfriend named Roxy (Leilani Sarelle); (5) is a published novelist whose last novel featured (6) an, ahem, respected business man who was once a rock and roll star who also (7) gets murdered during sex with his girlfriend.

Hmmmm. Coincidence?

Needless to say, the SFPD take an even greater interest in Catherine. Nick and Gus bring her in for questioning, and she willingly complies. Obviously, Nick and his posse of bad-ass detectives are planning to intimidate Ms. Trammell into spilling the beans about Boz's murder. Unfortunately, these jackasses fail to take into consideration just how clever and seductive our dear Catherine is. You see, Catherine, as a general rule and matter of highest principle, does not wear panties - and she makes this abundantly clear to the troglodytes interrogating her by uncrossing her legs at a strategic juncture of the session. Needless to say, after glimpsing her, ahem, hidden treasure the guys are pretty much putty in her hands. Catherine's charms even work on Polygraph machines, apparently, because the one they use on her practically jizzes out a report that reads: "She is innocent. Now please strap my electrodes between her thighs this time. Thanks."

Ostensibly cleared of any involvement with Boz's death, Catherine pirouettes around the cops and fairly gloats with glee. Just to rub things in, she cons Nick into giving her a ride home. Just before dashing out into the rain, she seductively reminds Nick that she's not wearing panties - never have, never will. Which, if you're a hot chick dealing with your average hetero male, is all you need to say to basically turn him into your lapdog.

Our not-so-good detective continues to pursue Catherine, though, convinced of her guilt. But is he really doing his job? Or is he just attracted to her and using the investigation as an excuse to be in her orbit? Is Catherine really the killer? Or is Roxy killing all of her men? Is Nick next? And what role does Beth (Jeanne Tripplehorn), Nick's psychologist ex-girlfriend, have in the mystery? Will Gus get punctured by an ice pick to let some of his fat escape? Did anyone have a real orgasm during the making of this movie?

Find out for yourselves. Just make sure to turn the volume down during the sex scenes because the neighbors might come over to: (1) complain, (2) spy on you, or (3) ask to join in.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Evoking both Hitchcockian and Argento-esque flavors, BASIC INSTINCT is the kind of film that is seriously elevated by the technical skill both in front and behind the camera. The script by Joe Eszterhas is well-written with vivid characters and sharp dialogue, but the wrong director and leads could have easily punctured the whole affair and highlighted the story's weaknesses. However, director Paul Verhoeven brings superb craftsmanship and visual style to the proceedings, making the film feel kinetic and tense - at all times, even the quieter moments. He is aided immeasurably by the late genius Jerry Goldsmith's vibrant and lush score. Beautiful, foreboding, seductive, and unforgettable, this is a score to seek out and buy. Wonderfully atmospheric music that gives the film class and feeling.

Another reason the film is better than it might have been is its two leads. Michael Douglas brings a compelling edge to the role of Nick in very much the same way he played the lead role in BLACK RAIN a few years earlier. Nick Curran, just like Nick Conklin from that earlier film, is not meant to be a virtuous White Knight - but a flawed anti-hero who just might be as twisted as the antagonist. And Michael Douglas is one of the few actors who can pull off this type of performance without making the character too hard or soft - and keep audience sympathy and interest. Russell Crowe is another one.

Matching Douglas, scene for scene (and, frankly, stealing a lot of them), is Sharon Stone - who is simply breathtaking as Catherine. You know an actor has succeeded in bringing a character to life when you just can't see anyone else playing the role. Needless to say, I cannot imagine any of the other actresses mentioned earlier playing Catherine in the same hypnotic and unforgettable way that Sharon Stone does. In her hands, Catherine is the perfect blend of icy calculation, dry humor, and hidden softness. Stone doesn't make the mistake of making the character either too inscrutable or too transparent. Instead, she wisely portrays Catherine as a partially-opened book, allowing us to catch fleeting glimpses of the humanity and vulnerability beneath the cool, mysterious surface - but never allowing us (or Nick) to get too close. It's a dazzling performance, and a tricky one - as Stone has to walk the tightrope between not permitting the audience to completely warm to her, but also keeping them intrigued. And it works. Just like Nick, we fall under her spell - and can't resist her pull. Like a moth to the flame.

The supporting cast is strong, the stand-outs being George Dzundza and Jeanne Tripplehorn as, respectively, Nick's good-natured partner, and the police psychologist who knows more about Catherine than she's telling. Leilani Sarelle as Roxy also makes the most of her small but pivotal role. The various actors playing Nick's detective colleagues are all competent and convincing.

Bottom line: the stars aligned when BASIC INSTINCT was made. One false move, and the whole thing could have come crashing down. Instead, we get a strong thriller that gives us a truly memorable femme fatale - and a truly sensual and seductive movie experience. Good news for audiences. Bad news for STILETTO.

Oh, well...

# 82 - UP (2010)

UP (2010 - ANIMATED/FAMILY/ADVENTURE) ***** out of *****

(Wow. Just.... wow.)



CAST: Voices of Edward Asner, Christopher Plummer, Jordan Nagai, Bob Petersen, Delroy Lindo, Jerome Ranft, John Ratzenberger.

DIRECTOR: Joe Docter, Bob Petersen.

NOTE: No SPOILERS this time. Trust me - you need to discover this wonderful movie on your own.




When I first saw the trailers for Disney's UP last year, I didn't have much enthusiasm for them. Completely understandable, because I am not exactly a fervent fan of the Pixar films, which - while almost always decent - just don't get my blood going like a good suspense-thriller, romantic comedy, or action film with Russell Crowe do. Needless to say, I wasn't one of the hordes of movie-goers who helped UP open to the massive tune of $68 million over one weekend last MAY 2009. Nor was I one of those who helped it finally reach a total domestic gross of about $280 million - an undisputed hit.

Nor was I among the folks who either rented or bought UP on DVD when it was released in that format six months or so later. In fact, while it seemed to garner glowing reviews left and right, it somehow just never occurred to me check the film out. The story would be different if we were dealing with a live-action film. I supposed I'm just not one of the TOY STORY/WALL-E/ICE AGE/FINDING NEMO crowd who basically go insane everytime Pixar or Dreamworks announces their next CGI-family extravaganza.

And if it hadn't been for a friend's ringing endorsement of UP, I probably still would not have seen it. Paul Rudd (as I will call him, because he looks like that actor - only, well, shorter) stated that it was a great film, that was also "emotionally rewarding." Now, there are very few people in my social circle who use the phrase "emotionally rewarding" to describe anything that doesn't have to do with tangled sweaty naked bodies, so to have someone use these words to describe a film is high praise, indeed.

So - I caved in and added UP to the line-up of reviews, then went out to rent it...

...and realized what a fucking idiot I've been.

Folks, the movie is wonderful. I knew very little about it going in - and so should you. That is, if you're one of the six other idiots who hasn't seen this movie. I will sketch out the broad strokes of the plot, but the rest is up for you to discover.

The story revolves around Carl Fredricksen (voice of Edward Asner), a lonely widower who pines for his dead wife, Ellie. Carl and Ellie were childhood and lifelong sweethearts united by a common love of adventure. One of the things that Carl always promised Ellie was he would take her to visit a remote place called "Paradise Falls" in South America. This place was also the obsession of their childhood hero, Sir Charles Muntz (Christopher Plummer), who - after an ill-fated first trip - returned there in search of vindication and an elusive creature. He never returned. With Ellie gone, and a development company threatening to demolish the home he built with her, Carl decides to carry out his promise to Ellie - and travel to Paradise Falls. And, perhaps, solve them mystery of Charles Muntz's disappearance.

It won't come as a surprise that Carl does this by tying thousands and thousands of balloons to his fireplace and using them to float the entire house to South America. Nor will it be shocking to discover that a cute boy scout named Russell (Jordan Nagai) inadvertently hitches a ride with Carl. What will come as a surprise, however, are the various characters and adventures that Carl and Russell encounter when they finally arrive at Paradise falls. UP has so many delightful and touching surprises up its sleeves, and dispenses them at just the right pace and moments, that even the most jaded viewers will be besides themselves with joy.

I know I was. Now - go forth and discover UP. And get ready to have your breath taken away...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Pretty much, everything I said above. I really don't want to SPOIL anything for anyone who hasn't seen this film. If you've already seen UP, then you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't then you, my friend, have quite an experience waiting ahead of you. I can't remember the last time I saw a movie that so vividly and achingly captured the endless hunger for adventure, connection, and redemption - and make it so entertaining.

I will say this in closing: what makes UP a much better film than your usual Pixar extravaganza is its underlying message: at some point, you have to move on and say good-bye to the past - and let it go. Because letting go is the only way to hold on to the past in a way that allows you bring it with you as you move forward. I love this movie. Love. It.

And I owe Paul Rudd, big-time.

# 81 - THE LOSERS (2010)

THE LOSERS (2010 - ACTION/COMIC ADAPTATION) ***1/2 out of *****

(What? Someone made a movie about me and my friends and didn't tell us? Call my attorney!)



CAST: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Zoe Saldana, Jason Patric, Columbus Short, Oscar Jaenada, Holt McCallany.

DIRECTOR: Sylain White.

WARNING: Minor SPOILERS and hilarious usage of Journey songs by hot goofballs - straight up ahead.




Last year, the action/thriller about humans with superhuman powers titled PUSH was released and did lukewarm business at American theaters. Grossing just north of $30 million, the movie also didn't fare too well with critics. I, on the other hand, liked it a lot and in the review for this blog (review # 23), I called it "the cinematic equivalent of a vodka cranberry - tart, breezy, and refreshing." Why PUSH didn't find a wider audience during its initial release is a mystery to me.

Now, with the release of THE LOSERS on DVD, I have to trot out that description again: just as with PUSH, this film is tart, breezy, and refreshing. And just like PUSH, THE LOSERS underperformed at the North American box-office despite its strengths and game cast. And speaking of the cast, just like PUSH, THE LOSERS stars the hot and hilarious Chris Evans - who is basically an irreverent goofball with a leading man's face and bod. This guy is that rare find: someone who can tickle your funny bone, your heart and, um, other areas at the same time. There's a reason he beat out stiff competition from other actors for the lead in the upcoming CAPTAIN AMERICA - he is simply amazing.

The movie starts out on a goofy note with our lovable and hot goofball enacting an interrogation scene between two Godzilla action figures that rapidly devolves into.... a vicious butt-fucking. Yes, Chris Evans plays Jensen, a geeky and fun-loving techie to a group of military special-ops guys. Needless to say, Jensen is the kind of guy you want on your team, if nothing more than to keep you laughing. The rest of the members are: (1) Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), leader of the group who looks like a dark Robert Redford and sports a decidedly un-regulation haircut; (2) Roque (Idris Elba), second-in-command who's basically a grumpy asshole; (3) Pooch, handles transport and has a wife back in the States who's about to download a baby; and (4) Cougar (Oscar Jaenada), a guy who has hair even longer than Clay's which makes me wonder if the Army has loosened up its dress-and-appearance regs.

We are introduced to our heroes just as they are about to raid a Bolivian drug lord's remote compound. Looks like just another covert mission - until the following occur: (1) the team discovers that Fadhill (Peter Francis James ), the Bolivian drug lord, is using 25 children as "mules" to transport his merchandise; (2) Clay orders an abort to the mission, but is (3) vetoed by a mysterious voice on the comm who identifies himself only as as "Max," but sounds an awful lot like, erm, Jason Patric.

Being your garden-variety hero who will not allow any harm to come to children, Clay takes the 25 ragamuffins with them when they escape the about-to-be-annihilated compound. Clay goes even as far as letting the kids take his team's seats on the crowded escape chopper. Unfortunately, whoever this "Max" person is must be a thorough choad, because no sooner has that chopper taken off does he prove the old adage, "No Good Deed Shall Go Un-fucking-punished."

Yup. "Max" orders his goons to blast the chopper out of the sky, thinking he's blowing up Clay's posse. Below, the team watches in horror as the flaming wreckage crashes to Earth, several things obviously going through their minds: (1) Holy (2) Fucking (3) Shit (4) That (5) Could've Been (5) Us.... Quick on the uptake, our boys quickly realize they're marked men now - and quickly toss their dog-tags into the blazing remains of the chopper. This works, and the Department of Defense not only declares our boys dead, but also they're involvement in Fadhil's raid was not sanctioned or authorized by the DOD. So, long story short, Clay and his team are, for all intents and purposes, thrown to the wolves and considered dead to the rest of the world.

Cut to four months later, and we find that our boys have been forced to assimilate into the Bolivian community. Pooch is an auto-mechanic, Jensen and Cougar are - seriously - working in a doll-making factory- and Roque and Clay seem to earn an income by, uh, walking around night-time Bolivia and doing nothing but talking. No, they're not hookers.

Anyhow, all that by way of saying our guys are stuck in a Third-World rut. Unable to return to the United States, and unable to ask anyone back home for help, Clay and his posse are just doing the best that they can to survive in their new banana republic home. And, unless something changes soon, it's very likely that these guy are going to be doing this shit for a very, very long time.

Then, one evening, Clay locks eyes with a mysterious, Bowler-hatted brunette who seems to be following him from joint to joint. Eventually, the senorita makes a bold move and parks her Kim Kardashian-booty next to Clay at the bar, where she comments on his "steak." He helpfully points out to her that it is very "meaty." Uh-huh. Really subtle, guys. Anyone thinking that they're actually talking about the food on his plate seriously needs to get out more and learn about "tube steaks."

At any rate, it'll come as no surprise to the perverts in the audience that Clay and his Bowler babe wind up back in a seedy hotel where they proceed to engage in foreplay. If you can call slamming each other into the walls, furnitures, and bathroom fixtures foreplay, that is. Oh, and just because all that is not sizzling enough, they also set fire to the curtains. Fortunately, they realize at the last moment that they will not be able to fuck later on if they both, you know, burn to death. So they quickly hightail it out of there.

Down on the street, we learn that Bowler beauty (name: Aisha; actress playing her: Zoe Saldana) knows all about the misfortune that befell Clay's team four months ago. Aisha says that she'd like to help them be able to return to the States. But first, they must do something for her. If you're thinking she wants her vintage Mustang convertible serviced for a reasonable price, or order several thousand dolls for a special discount, allow me to disappoint you. Nope, our Aisha wants revenge on "Max," the very same dipshit that basically threw our boys under the boss four months ago. Needless to say, after some initial wariness, the boys jump all over that offer like a quintet of hungry lions on an injured zebra.

Unfortunately, things aren't going to be that easy. See, it turns out that Max is actually being portrayed by Jason Patric, and turns out to be a rather nasty specimen. Terminally sarcastic, but without the charm to make up for it, this idiot walks around wearing beige/white suits, insulting anyone he can. The only reason he's still alive is because of all his money. Which he is funneling towards a particularly dastardly weapon of mass destruction, that he describes as extremely lethal - but also environmentally conscious. All together now - WTF?

So... will Clay, Aisha, Jensen, Pooch, Roque, and Cougar pull a fast one on Max? Or will Max catch on to their plans? Is Aisha completely on the up-and-up? Will Clay ever get to fuck her? And if so, will Jensen do the right thing and film it all and burn it to DVD for the world's viewing pleasure? And, again, is Aisha herself hiding something? Will any of our heroes make it back to the States to enjoy the taste of a Bladder-Burster from the corner 7-11? Or will they have to settle forever for the Bolivian version?

Go forth and find out. Just watch out for the scene where Jensen strips while singing "Don't Stop Believing." You may never be able to listen to Journey without getting horny ever again.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Just like the comic book series it's based on, THE LOSERS is fast, colorful, funny, and kinetic. In short, it's plays exactly like a comic book - but a damned good one. The story is fast-paced without losing the audience, and the situation that our heroes find themselves stuck in is compelling. It also helps that the characters have some great interplay, and are brought to life by a talented and energetic cast.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan makes for a strong and likable hero as Clay. His looks and presence remind me of either a dark Robert Redford or a combo of Russell Crowe, Javier Bardem, and Robert Downey Jr. He clicks with Zoe Saldana as Aisha, and their "foreplay" scene in the Bolivian hotel is classic, as far as I'm concerned. Saldana, for her part, further cements her leading-lady mettle introduced in AVATAR. She makes Aisha an alluring and unpredictable character.

Idris Elba is effective as Roque, whose voice-of-reason mentality may not really be so reasonable (or moral) after all. Columbus Short is amusing and affable as the "family man" of the group, who's driven by his need to get back to his wife before she gives birth to their first child. This plot thread adds a hint of melancholy to the proceedings as we're reminded of just how much our heroes have had to give up. Oscar Jaenada portrays Cougar as your classic strong-but-silent type - someone who you can count on when the going goes South - in more ways than one. Jason Patric makes for an amusingly droll villain, and is clearly having some fun with the role.

As good as everyone is, though, as he did with FANTASTIC FOUR and its sequel, Chris Evans single-handedly steals THE LOSERS - with his wonderfully goofy portrayal of Jensen, the techie geek who is horny, brilliant, brave, and hilarious - all at the same time. Unlike the coolly sexy bad boy Johnny Storm whom Evans portrayed in the FF movies, Jensen is more of a spastic dork who seems unaware of how hot he is. Evans has the special ability to play against his good looks - and makes Jensen's nerdiness actually seem sexy. Now that's talent. And the final scenes of Jensen at his niece's soccer game, getting in the lady coach's face, are touching and hilarious at the same time. They should put this guy in more comedies or rom-coms.

Bottom line: as with PUSH, I firmly believe that, in time, THE LOSERS will gain a following. It's smart without being too formidable, over-the-top without being insulting, and confident without being smug. In short, it's perfect entertainment.

REVIEWS UPDATE: BUMBERSHOOT / LABOR DAY ROAD TRIP MONKEY WRENCH

Hi, folks. I compeletely forgot that it's Bumbershoot weekend here in Rain City, and Labor Day weekend, to boot. So, given these two monkey wrenches in our film review program, please expect the following reviews to post by Monday morning when I get back.

THE LOSERS and UP are done, but I have to scoot and therefore won't be able to post until I get back. And BASIC INSTINCT, THE FULL MONTY, and MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE I will write on the road.

# 81 - THE LOSERS

# 82 - UP

# 83 - BASIC INSTINCT

# 84 - THE FULL MONTY

# 85 - MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

Oh, and in honor of RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE's release next weekend, next week's reviews will all involve the walking dead. And, by walking dead, I don't mean everyone on New Year's morning.

Schedule to be released when I get home...

Peace out. Happy Labor day. And those of you driving, please drive carefully.

# 80 - DESPICABLE ME (2010)

DESPICABLE ME (2010 - ANIMATED/ADVENTURE/FAMILY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Even tyrannical megalomaniacs out for world domination have feelings, too, you know....)



CAST: Voices of Steve Carrell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand, Julie Andrews, Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig, Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Geiser, Elsie Fisher, Danny McBride.

DIRECTOR: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and easily-disarmed anti-heroes straight ahead...




The old saying goes that nobody is a villain in their own eyes. In other words, even the most dastardly villain probably has some sort of utterly fucked-up justification for his/her machinations - no matter how, um, despicable. Needless to say, this is a fascinating angle from which to tell a story. Instead of watching events unfold through the eyes of the "hero," we see everything from the point of view of the bad guy. Basically, the villain becomes the protagonist. This premise has been explored in films like THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999), MR. BROOKS (2006), PAYBACK (1999), HENRY - PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1990), and - especially - GLITTER (2002) were Mariah Carey portrayed a... Oh, wait.... Well, never mind. I guess she only seemed to be the villain in that one. Anyhow, with DESPICABLE ME's release, we get an animated bad guy's story.

The story revolves around super-villain Cru (voiced by Steve Carrell), who looks like Nosferatu with a beer belly. Naturally, looking like this, Cru is a bit grumpy. Doesn't help either that his mother (Julie Andrews) was about as warm and affectionate to him growing up as a Great White Shark to a bleeding seal. Add to this the fact that Cru needs a new "villain loan" and you have one disgruntled bad guy. Yes, folks... In the world Cru lives in, super-villains can apply for loans to finance their nefarious exploits. I guess that's kind of similar to studios continuing to bankroll Nicolas Cage movies. Meow.

Anyway, Cru's latest villain loan application is imperiled by the bank's president, Mr. Perkins (Will Arnett), who looks like the boss from the Dilbert cartoons - only much fatter. And with worse hair - if that's even possible. But I digress.... Cru pitches his latest "bad guy" idea to Mr. Perkins: a ray gun that can shrink anything, which he will use to shrink... the moon. Hmmmm. Somehow I was expecting something - I don't know - more interesting? Like destroying the world's supply of Botox - and subsequently watching California collapse into the Pacific ocean because of all the faces that crash to the ground. Anyhow, Mr. Perkins is, evidently, a lot easier dazzled than me because, while he doesn't give Cru the loan, he promises that he will - if Cru can produce a prototype of the Shrinking Gun.

This is problematic - to say the least - because, while a prototype does exist, it is buried deep - waaaaaaay deep - in the lair of Cru's rival super-villain, Vector (Jason Segel). Previous attempts by Cru to infiltrate Vector's heavily-fortified fortress have been met with (1) hurt, (2) pain, (3) agony, and (4) suffering - unfailingly on the part of Cru, who attracts heavy artillery the way Sam Worthington must attract requests to do Jell-O shots off his abs. Long story short, Cru's going to have to find a "Trojan Horse" - and fast, because Mr. Perkins is not as stupid as Dilbert's boss, and far less patient. And there are lot of other super-villains applying for loans - and better prepared.

Salvation comes in the form of three cute little girls from Ms. Hattie's Home for Girls. Ostensibly an orphanage, the place looks and feels more like the hostel from, uh, HOSTEL and is overseen by the uber-biyatch, Ms. Hattie (Krisen Wiig). Imagine the Evil Stepmother from SNOW WHITE but far more rotund and even more of a pill, and you still wouldn't scratch the surface of Ms. Hattie's singular, ahem, charm. Needless to say, our three orphans - Margo, Edith, and Agnes (Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Geiser, Elsie Fisher) - yearn fiercely for someone to adopt them away from what is clearly the Eighth Cavern of Hades. And when they're not daydreaming of freedom, they're busy selling cookies to anyone who will open the door to them.

Right now, you're probably politely wondering one thing: "What in the holy fucking hell do these three ragamuffins have to do with Cru's goddamn plan to steal Vector's Shrinking Gun to zap the fucking moon?" I, for one, am glad you asked. See, while on their daily cookie route our three orphans have made a regular customer out of Vector. Yes, sir... Cru's nemesis turns out to be a sucker for Coconut cookies (or something) and basically disarms his entire security system whenever the girls arrive. "Hmmmmm...." you're surely thinking right now. "You don't think that dastardly Cru would use those little girls to get to Vector, do you?" Use? No. Adopts, manipulates, and exploits? Yes. And, no, I don't know what "semantics" means.

Yup, Cru adopts Margo, Edith, and Agnes and basically rigs their cookies with robots so that he can conduct recon and surveillance at the same time. Unfortunately, it comes as an extremely shocking and thoroughly unexpected plot twist that Cru's frozen heart melts and he begins to: (1) develop paternal feelings for the three ragamuffins, (2) question his plan to shrink the moon, and (3) wonder how he's going to pay for their college tuition if he pussies out on the whole Super-Villain thing. Maybe Barnes and Noble is hiring.

Will Cru succeed in stealing the Shrinking Gun? Will Vector catch on to the plan to use the three ragamuffins as infiltrators? Will the three ragamuffins reveal surprises of their own? Will it be finally revealed why Ms. Hattie is so fat? Find out on your own, because frankly I need some more vodka. And someone's, ahem, getting impatient.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Cute movie. Watch it. Seen worse animated films than this - like PRINCE OR PERSIA and IT'S COMPLICATED. Oh, wait... never mind....

Mr. Smirnoff and Mr. Crowe, here I come. Ahem.

# 79 - WHEN IN ROME (2010)

WHEN IN ROME (2010 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) ** out of *****

(Save your coins, bitches…)



CAST: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Angelica Huston, Don Johnson, Dax Shepard, Jon Heder, Will Arnett, Kristen Schaal, Alexis Dziena, Kate Micucci.

DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and potential harm to your eyeballs because of possible over-rolling - straight ahead…




When it came time to pick movies for this week’s “Jelly Bean Grab Bag” theme, I was loathe to pick another romantic comedy, having recently endured a week’s worth of, ahem, Chick Flicks. Unfortunately, despite my exposure to dangerously high levels of cinematic estrogen, I felt that I should select one rom-com to balance out the thrillers, dramas, actioners, and animated flicks rounding out the list. And I figured if I was going to review one, it might as well be set in my favorite place on Earth. Yes, the Land of All Things Beautiful and Delicious: Italy.

WHEN IN ROME is a Kristen Bell-Josh Duhamel fluff-piece about workaholic NYC curator Beth (Kristen Bell) who attends her sister Joan’s (Alexis Dziena) wedding in Rome. Evidently, Joan met her gorgeous Italian bridegroom Umberto (Luca Calvani) just two weeks earlier, and the crazy kids are already planning to add “rings” right after “body fluids” on the list of things they’re swapping. This dismays the more measured and cautious Beth, who has always put work ahead of relationships.

Little good this has done Beth’s career, though, because she still has to put up with ice queen boss Celeste (Angelica Huston), who must own at least ten copies of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA DVD, given how she delivers all her lines in a cooler-than-frost whisper and glares at everyone like she‘s channeling Meryl Streep. Belittling Beth’s youth and lack of experience, Celeste does everything short of throw a coat at her - or slip a poisoned apple onto her desk. Needless to say, when Celeste learns that Beth has to go to Rome to attend Joan’s wedding, she is not pleased. See, there’s an important exhibit coming up and Beth is in charge of acquiring the centerpiece - and her personal affairs are getting in the way.

Assuring the She-Devil that her trip will be very short and not affect the event, Beth skedaddles to Rome, where she discovers the following: (1) Dad (Don Johnson) has married yet another Amazonian bimbo, (2) Mom (Peggy Lipton) is still bitter about Dad’s endless parade of Amazonian bimbos, (3) Joan is still a hopelessly romantic idiot, (4) Umberto is smokin’ hot, and (5) the best man is Nick (Josh Duhamel), an American college pal of Umberto’s who also has the sexiest bedroom eyes this side of Russell Crowe and Amber Valletta.

Of course, given that they are played by Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel, Beth and Nick strike some sparks during the reception. Unfortunately, the budding “wedding hook-up” crashes back to Earth when Beth espies Nick kissing a hot Italian chick (is there any other kind?) by the famous Fontana Di Trevi. Utterly furious that Nick won’t be taking her “around the world” after all, Beth slams back a whole bottle of Pinot Blanco and totters over to the Trevi Fountain. Legend has it that tossing a coin into the fountain will bring love to the, uh, tosser. However, being the disillusioned cynic (and recent pussy-block victim) that she is, Beth instead snatches up five coins from the bottom of the fountain to save the wishers from the agony of love. Look, man, I didn’t write the fucking script, okay? If I did, I would have turned the whole thing into a horror movie.

Unfortunately, this concludes the Italian chapter of our story as Beth returns to New York to resume her life as a brow-beaten curator without a love life - but with a worn-out vibrator. To her shock, though, she suddenly finds herself being pursued by: (1) Nick, who seems eager to hook-up with her again; (2) Lance (Jon Heder), a bizarro street magician with bad highlights; (3) Antonio (Will Arnett), an artist who claims to be Italian but who looks about as Italian as, well, Will Arnett; (4) Al (Danny DeVitto), an art patron who looks more like a plumber; and (5) Gale (Dax Shephard), an utter tool who claims to be a male model despite looking more like the guy who just rang up our Pinot Noir at Safeway earlier tonight. Nice pecs on that beast, though…

At any rate, these five lovesick morons inexplicably chase Beth from one side of Manhattan to the other, pledging their undying love to her. For her part, Beth is completely agog that she is suddenly the shiz-nit of Fifth Avenue - especially considering she was its whipping-girl right before her trip to Rome. She doesn’t remain confused for long, though. Joan, ever the loving and sweet sister, takes about three minutes from fucking Umberto to call her sis and share the following: (1) the local Rome papers snapped pics of Beth taking those five coins out of the fountain, (2) called her “Stupidissima!”, (3) and put it all over the front page. Then Joan goes back to fucking Umberto. As well she should.

Later, Joan stops fucking Umberto long enough again to tell Beth that, according to the legend, anyone who takes someone’s coin out of the fountain will be punished by… having the coin’s owner fall in love with him/her. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem for Beth if the five guys whose coins she’s stolen are Russell Crowe, Chris Evans, Sam Worthington, Daniel Craig, and Clark Kent. Then she’d have some serious eye candy chasing her. But, no… with the exception of Nick, all her suitors look about as attractive as me. Hey, look, I know I’m no supermodel, okay? At least I’m honest about it. Unlike that asshole Gale.

Anyhow, the rest of WHEN IN ROME follows Beth’s efforts to break the, um, spells on the five dipshits chasing her. Things get complicated, though, when she finds herself revisiting the chemistry she felt with Nick at her sister’s wedding - and quickly falls for him. But does he really love her? Or is it just the spell? And, more importantly, why should it fucking matter? A hot guy says he loves you, lady - stop being a goddamn drama queen and marry him already. Who cares how he got that way?

Whatever. Find out for yourselves how it all ends. I need to watch DIE HARD to counteract all this syrupy shit in my system.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: An uncomfortable sensation settled on me as I was watching WHEN IN ROME. It was also a familiar sensation - like a sinking in your stomach as you realize the movie you’re watching is going to be stupid. It was similar to the feeling I got while watching ONLY YOU, that awful 1994 Marisa Tomei-Robert Downey Jr. train wreck that pretty much gave romantic comedies a bad name that year. While I don’t mind whimsy and quirks in my rom-coms (in fact, I welcome them) I do ask that the story at least be presented in some sort of semi-believable fashion. And, sorry, but while I found WHEN IN ROME’s concept somewhat interesting, its execution is utterly ridiculous.

Fortunately, Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel are such likable and appealing stars that they give this sputtering flick some decent mileage before it finally breaks down halfway through. Indeed, the only reason WHEN IN ROME gets a ** (Mediocre) rating is because of Bell and Duhamel’s engaging presence. They deserved a better script - and a better film. Unlike ONLY YOU, which had grating turns from Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. in the lead roles, WHEN IN ROME is kept somewhat watchable by its two leads. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to save the movie.

Most of the supporting cast is okay, with only one performance landing squarely in the negative: Dax Shepard‘s annoying preening as the alleged supermodel. Obviously, it was meant to be funny - it isn‘t. Angelica Huston is the standout as Bell’s boss, who really does seem to be doing a Miranda Priestly impersonation - and good one at that. It’s an amusing touch that at least keeps us temporarily interested. The rest of the actors are adequate.

Bottom line: this movie wastes two strong lead actors - and a great title. The concept must have looked funny on paper, and might have actually worked if the script was completely re-written for a less screwball tone. We’ll never know.

# 78 - PIRANHA 3-D (2010)

PIRANHA 3-D (2010 - HORROR REMAKE) **1/2 out of *****

(Let me get this straight: piranhas used to swim the Colorado river millions of years ago? Four words, buddy: cite your fucking source...)



CAST: Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O'Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Chrisopher Lloyd, Kelly Brook, Jessica Szohr, Riley Steele, Brooklyn Proulx, Sage Ryan.

DIRECTOR: Alexandre Aja

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and revved-up, toothy aquatic killers with a soft spot for penises and breast implants - straight ahead....




When I was in college in Michigan ages and ages ago, I bought a couple of piranhas. At the time they were legal in that state and, having heard the myriad stories blending fact and fiction about their bloodthirsty appetite, I was eager to own fish that would have: (1) personality, and (2) provide me and my roommates with endless entertainment as (3) they played "cat-and-mouse" with the goldfish I planned to feed them on a weekly basis. So, I bought the two juvenile piranhas, took 'em back to the double-wide trailer I shared with three other students, named them "Thelma" and "Louise", dumped a bagful of goldfish into the tank - and sat down with my roomies with a bowl of popcorn - and a bunch of quarters to place bets on which goldfish would get it first.

We sat in front of that goddamn tank for almost ten minutes - and not a single one of those goldfish got chomped. I kid you not. Thelma and Louise - the fucking whores - just flitted about the fake plants and rocks like a couple of scaly prima-donnas with ugly underbites, all haughty and shit. See, what they don't tell you in movies and books is that piranhas in captivity are actually quite shy - and know when they are being watched and, accordingly, refuse to eat until they're left alone. It's only when they're in huge packs in the wild and provoked somehow that they get like a bunch of drunk British football fans whose home team is getting spanked by the Italians. Hmmmmm. Nice mental image.

So... me and my roomies made a supermarket run for about twenty minutes. Sure enough, when we came back that tank was full of floating golden scales - but not a single goldfish. And Thelma and Louise? Well, let's just say the sneaky bitches weren't swimming as fast as they were before the massacre. They were waddling around that tank like a couple of overweight shoppers at Wal-Mart. Great. I wound up getting stuck with a couple of cock-teases with teeth and fins. Or maybe they were just living up to their namesakes and being women with attitudes. Perhaps I should have named them "Bill" and "Ted."

Whether or not piranhas are as voracious as they're made out to be, one of the movies that fired up my imagination growing up was Roger Corman's 1980 cult classic PIRANHA. Revolving around a pack of genetically-engineered piranhas bred by the government (shocker) to help win the Vietnam War (as I've asked a billion times: would I make this shit up?), the movie followed the efforts of a ranger and a scientist to stop the razor-toothed fish from getting downstream to a summer camp filled with teenagers just ripe for the shredding. The remake retains the same "race-against-time" angle, but amps it up with tits and ass and lovely 3-D photography to make all the cheesecake - and gore - pop right off the screen.

The new film is set in fictional Lake Victoria, Arizona. As our story opens, a massive earthquake ruptures the bottom of the lake, releasing a bunch of piranha from below. Okay, now I know those of you who have IQs higher than the lengths of your dicks or the sizes of your brassiere cups (or, for some of you who work on Hollywood boulevard, both) are likely going, "Sorry, but what?" Don't worry - so was I. Common sense tells us that fish do not live underground, and even if they did, the particular fish living underneath an Arizona lake wouldn't be a variety typically found only in South America. Suffice it to say, if it's common sense you want, you are barking up the wrong movie, buddy.

At any rate, our heroine is Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue), the sheriff of Lake Victoria. When a local fisherman (played by Richard Dreyfus in a totally "WTF?" cameo) gets chomped by the recently-liberated piranha, she contemplates closing the lake until they can figure out how he died. Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) pretty much tells her that's about as good an idea as a remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS being produced. Oh, wait... never mind. Anyway, Lake Victoria is a popular Spring Break destination for the Southwest's young, horny, and, well, I guess that pretty much describes them: young and horny. Basically, Fallon tells Julie that they might as well quit their jobs and work at Applebee's if they shut down the lake. Actually, Applebee's might be a more interesting job, but that's just me.

At any rate, a second attack - this time on a dive team investigating that crack in the lake floor - yields an actual piranha sample. Julie, Fallon, and Novak (Adam Scott), the surviving diver, take the ugly-ass fish to Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), a local nutjob who just happens to have piranha info conveniently hemorrhaging out of his ass. To wit, he shares the following with our heroes: (1) the piranha they brought him is an extinct super-species that disappeared two million years ago, (2) this type of piranha used to, uh, swim the Colorado River eons and eons ago (I so call bullshit), (3) the earthquake must have opened up an underwater lake (hmmph) that the piranhas were (4) obviously trapped in for ages, feeding on each other for survival. And with the that lake floor open now, those fuckers are as ready to git down as a bunch of sailors who haven't had any shore leave in over two million years. Except the fish aren't horny - they're hungry. Which, I guess, is pretty much the same thing.

So... as you can imagine, Julie takes this news the same way she'd take the news that a comet is going to hit Lake Victoria in, oh, ten minutes. Which, I guess, is also pretty much the same thing, because with the lake just full of partying, half-naked studs and bimbos, our toothy swimming villains pretty much have the human equivalent of an All-You-Can-Eat-Extravaganza at your local Outback Steakhouse. Par-tay, fishies! With very little time to avert the disaster, Julie and co. race against the clock to warn the merry-makers - before Lake Victoria turns into a gigantic chum bucket.

In addition to the characters already introduced, other potential fish-bait include: (1) Jake (Steven R. McQueen), Julie's willful teenage son who has a crush on (2) Kelly (Jessica Szohr), a brunette hottie with a soft spot for Tequila and lesbian kisses, which I guess is why Jake likes her; (3) Derrick Jones (Jerry O'Connell), a sleazy GIRLS-GONE-WILD-producer type who prances about in a speedo and shouldn't (see OPEN LETTER TO JERRY O'CONNELL RE: WHO CAN AND CANNOT WEAR SPEEDOS right below); (4) Danni (Kelly Brook), a nuclear-hot British model who works for Derrick whom I was praying would survive and, well, whatevs; (5) Crystal (Riley Steele), a lightbulb-hot non-British model who works for Derrick whom I was praying would get shredded like wet toilet paper; (6) Laura (Brooklyn Proulx); and (7) Zane (Sage Ryan), Jake's brother and sister whom he's supposed to be baby-sitting - very far from the water. Needless to say, when Julie finds out that he shirked his brotherly duties to spend the day with Kelly, Danni, and Crystal on a boat in the middle of the lake, his ass is so gonna be grass. That is, if anyone of them survive the piranhas...

Find out who makes it and who doesn't. Just watch out for the scene with the severed penis and the breast implants. No, you imbeciles, I am not joking. I wish I were.

Now, please read my open letter to Jerry O' Connell on his Speedo usage:



MEMORANDUM TO JERRY O'CONNELL, ACTOR...

RE: Who can and cannot wear Speedos in this Universe...

Dear Mr. O'Connell,

May I call you, Jerry?

Jerry, I've been a fan of yours (well, sort of) since you were a tubby little kid in STAND BY ME. You grew up to be a reasonably-talented actor, who often elevated some of the sorry flicks that you starred in. Trust me - you were the only good thing in TOMCATS. And SCREAM 2 benefited greatly from your goofy presence because, let's face it, that Neve Campbell was a total drip. And I saw you in something recently that really sucked, but you were a class act in it - and almost saved the whole movie. Almost. The title escapes me right now, though. Whatever. It's not important. Bottom line: you usually are the strongest link in your flicks.

But, unfortunately, in PIRANHA 3-D you were uncharacteristically the weakest link. You basically marred what was otherwise a reasonably-entertaining cheese-fest. I mean, your performance as a sleazy and perverted producer was actually pretty convincing and quite good - but yet you still managed to ruin my experience.

Jerry, you did this by dancing around in your godawful red Speedo - which, with the 3-D glasses, was like getting stabbed in the eye with a rusty letter-opener. Now, don't get me wrong, Jerry. You're a good-looking guy. I'm secure enough in my sexuality to admire anyone who gives me a boner - man or woman. And I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating Oreos, know what I'm sayin'? But good looks do not automatically make a worthy Speedo-wearer, Jerry.

Sadly, I should inform you that there are only five men in this universe who can wear a Speedo - and get away with it. They are, in no particular order, as follows: (1) Russell Crowe, (2) Chris Evans, (3) Daniel Craig, (4) Sam Worthington, and (5) a friend I will refer to as Clark Kent.

Suffice it to say, Jerry, that while you are an undeniably handsome man, the fact remains that you, sir, are no Clark Kent.

So, in closing, I'd like to respectfully request that in the future you stay as far away from Speedos as humanly possible. Especially the red ones. Please?

Yours Truly,
Sarcasto


P.S. I just remembered the title of that recent movie of yours that seriously blew whale dick : BABY ON BOARD. It was so bad, it made me want to kill something. But you were totally good in it. Peace out.

P.P.S. I'll be sending you the bill for the deductible from my eye surgery.

P.P.P.S Don't ever wear Speedos onscreen again. Seriously.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: The original PIRANHA was a reasonably entertaining romp that presented itself as a low-budget (and tongue-in-cheek) JAWS. It didn't take itself too seriously and managed to effectively combine scares and laugh. PIRANHA 3-D strives for the same mix - and generally succeeds. The gore is a bit extreme here and there - but what do you expect from a 3-D horror film?

The cast is experienced and are often better than the material. Elisabeth Shue is a solid heroine, although we don't find out much about her or her family before the fish guts hit the fan. Adam Scott is okay as the scientist who helps Shue eradicate the piranha contagion, but he gets even less character development. Steve R. McQueen gets a lot of screen time as Julie's rebellious son - and he's got every inch of his grandfather Steve McQueen's charisma and screen presence. Jessica Szohr is appealing and appropriately wholesome as the girl-next-door that Jake pines for. Jerry O'Connell is suitably sleazy and funny as the randy producer who unwisely models a pair of Speedos. Kelly Brook is wry and ravishing as Danni - too bad she... well, it ain't pretty. The rest of the cast is good in their fish-bait roles.

Bottom line: PIRANHA 3-D is an average remake that is elevated somewhat by some creative 3-D sequences. Just be warned that this is one gory movie. No sneaking hamburgers into the theatre because - trust me on this - you'll regret it.