MOVIE RATING SCALE:

***** (Spectacular) 10

****1/2 (Excellent) 9

**** (Very Good) 8

***1/2 (Good) 7

*** (Above Average) 6

**1/2 (Average) 5

** (Below Average) 4

*1/2 (Mediocre) 3

* (Awful) 2

1/2 (Abysmal) 1

0 (Worthless) 0


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Holiday Movie Season 2013 - And Onward to 2014!

Hello, folks...

Just a quick note to say sorry for the delay in posting the last of our Halloween 2013 reviews. As you may have noticed, we shortened the list a bit. It's been a very busy last two months, but also very fun with friends and family interacting together. That’s what life is about, folks…

At any rate, please find below our HOLIDAY MOVIE SEASON 2013 reviews. Given how busy we are, please expect one review per week until the New Year. Thanks, all - and to the Americans out there, have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

# 532 - THOR: THE DARK WORLD (2013)

# 533 - ENDER'S GAME (2013)

# 534 - THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE (2013)

# 535 - ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES (2013)

# 536 - THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY (2013)

# 537 - A CHRISTMAS STORY 2 (2012)

# 538 - ONE CHANCE (2013)

# 539 - LOOPER (2013)

# 540 - BARNEY'S VERSION (2009)
















And here’s a sneak peek at some of the highly-anticipated events of 2014 (and I don’t just mean The World Cup!):














Ciao ciao, folks...

# 531 - DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981)


DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981 - HORROR) * out of *****

(I wonder if those mummies are just pissed-off because they got so much sand in their butt-cracks during their thousand-year sleep...)

Par-tay?

CAST: Brenda King, Barry Sattels, George Peck, John Salvo, Joan Levy, Eileen Faison, Diane Beatty, Ibrahim Khan.

DIRECTOR: Frank Agrama.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and compelling reasons to keep your ass as far away from the sands of Egypt - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: Ah, the stupidity of youth. How else to explain how you can think a movie is awesome as fuck when you are a kid - and then watch it again as an (arguable) adult, only to discover to your utter horror that it is, well, a gigantic turkey? Well, folks, that is DAWN OF THE MUMMY, a movie whose trailers made me so eager to see it as a kid that you would have thought they were giving away Atari gaming consoles during the opening credits. Whoops - guess I just dated myself. My bad.

Anyhow, the truth is I actually didn't see DAWN OF THE MUMMY until one of my buddies suggested it for our Halloween Line-Up last month. You see, I was about eight when I learned this flick was playing at the local theater. But, wait! Right across the street at another theater, SPHINX was playing. The spooky-smart movie buffs among you will recognize SPHINX as the Lesley-Anne Down starrer which featured her as the intrepid British Egyptologist, Dr. Erica Baron. Erica basically traveled to Egypt to investigate the mysterious legend of a lost pharaoh's tomb - only to be pulled into a maelstrom of murder, deception, and intrigue. In short, it was a Hitchcockian chase film set among the sands of Luxor. With my biggest childhood crush, Lesley-Anne Down, as its intensely feisty lead.

Now, I could have easily afforded to see both DAWN OF THE MUMMY and SPHINX back-to-back on my allowance. But as my thrifty German-Norwegian father has always said to me: "If you want something, you must give up something first" - which is apparently a Germanic tenet because I know other Krauts who espouse the same motto. In other words, even though I could easily see both of them, I had to choose between these two films, both set in Egypt, but the first a horror movie and the second a suspense-thriller with Lesley-Anne Down in a tight pantsuit running from bad guys and doing her best "Female Indiana Jones" impersonation waaaaaaaaaay before Lara Croft made it fashionable and hip. Guess which movie won? Yup, the lovely Ms. Down and her movie SPHINX won the gift of my company that afternoon. And now that I have finally seen DAWN OF THE MUMMY, I realize that I made the right choice - and dodged a major bullet that fateful day many, many, many years ago.

Because, to put it very delicately, folks, DAWN OF THE MUMMY is a colossal pile of steaming camel shit. Even the trailers that somehow wowed me as a (clearly) stupid and impressionable boy back then now look horribly dated and simply awful. There are some movies that stand the test of time and only get better with age, like fine wine and Russell Crowe. Then there are movies like DAWN OF THE MUMMY, that start out as crap - and progressively turn even more rank as time goes by.

My intro to the discussion of this film is actually going to be longer than the discussion of the film itself because, folks, it doesn't really deserve it. The plot is your basic "Slasher Movie Meets Walking Dead" set-up, with a bunch of allegedly-hot NYC models and their tech support (photographer, hair & makeup, gophers) traveling to Egypt for a location shoot in what turns out to be a cursed Pharaoh's tomb. The heat from the photo shoot's floodlights apparently re-awakens the mummy (or something) and his minions. ANd let's just say these bandaged pus-bags are a little cranky about having their three-thousand year naps interrupted. Oh, and they also have a serious case of the munchies after being asleep for so long.

Cue the next 60 minutes of our moronic imbecile models and their flunkies being chased and chowed down on by some surprisingly fast-moving mummies who are really zombies-in-disguise. I suppose if you were REALLY digging to find SOMETHING - ANYTHING - even remotely redeemable about this celluloid train-wreck, you could posit that its speedy cadavers paved the way for the Jackie Joyner-Kersey undead of WORLD WAR Z, DAWN OF THE DEAD 2004, and 28 DAYS LATER. But that wouldn't be so much reaching for something as outright popping your goddamn arms out their sockets in a futile effort to justify this movie's existence. It's bad, folks, and anyone who knows me knows I am the most forgiving person/viewer out there - but even I couldn't find anything to like in this flick.

Well, I suppose that's not entirely true: there are a couple of decent shots of the pyramids and some pretty oases. But, fuck, I can go on the Internet for that. Sorry, mummies... time go back into the tomb.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Seriously, folks: there isn't much to say about DAWN OF THE MUMMY except that, as we discussed in past reviews, a decent idea can be condemned by lousy execution - and this flick is a prime example of that. I have always loved Egypt and been fascinated by its culture and mythology, and some of my favorite films are set there, whether they be mystery-thrillers (SPHINX), love stories (the lovely, lovely CAIRO TIME), and action-adventures (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME). DAWN OF THE MUMMY could have easily been a worthy entry (as a horror film) into this select group. However, due to very low production values and truly atrocious acting and writing, it is doomed.

Still, having a low budget is not an excuse. Many films like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, HALLOWEEN 1978, and the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY films surmounted middling funding to inventively tell their stories in a professional and frightening way. DAWN OF THE MUMMY clearly had enough funding to secure an actual location shooting in Egypt, so how much more expensive would it have been to tweak the script and hire some actors who can actually, you know, act? I lost count of the times we winced at the line deliveries in this movie, especially that blonde actor who plays the crazy treasure raider. It's like he went into this determined to be as bad as possible. Well, dude, you won the prize.

Whatever the case may be, DAWN OF THE MUMMY is a staggeringly awful film that cannot be saved by its would-be atmospheric Egyptian setting. With the right handling, this could have been a passable horror entry and maybe a little more. As it stands however, it is one of the worst horror flicks (and worst films, in general) we have ever seen. Boy, am I glad I saw SPHINX instead a long time ago. If you want to see a solid suspense-thriller set in the Egyptian sands, see that movie. One shot of Lesley-Anne Down's face alone trumps DAWN OF THE DEAD in its entirety - twenty times over.

# 530 - TENTACLES (1977)


TENTACLES (1977 - HORROR) **1/2 out of *****

(Good thing this creature didn't turn up in Japanese waters - otherwise, his ass would've been lunch for the local populace...)

Par-tay?

CAST: John Huston, Shelley Winter, Henry Fonda, Bo Hopkins, Delia Boccardo, Claude Akins, Cesare Danova, Alan Boyd, Marc Fiorini, Sherry Buchanan.

DIRECTOR: Ovidio Assonitis

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and compelling reasons to keep your ass as far away from the beach as possible - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: In our last three Halloween horror reviews, we circled the globe, hopping from England (THE LEGACY) to Japan (THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS) and back to the US of A (CAT PEOPLE). Today we go back overseas, but not really, with out next review. What do I mean? Well, folks, basically our next destination is Italy by way of California. You see, our next review is TENTACLES, which is set and shot in Southern Cali with American stars like John Huston, Shelley Winters, Henry Fonda, and Bo Hopkins (yes, you read that right) - but is actually an Italian-directed-and-produced rip-off of JAWS. Except without the marauding Great White shark - but a really pissed-off Giant-Ass Pacific Octopus in its place.

It all starts in the sunny So-Cal beach town of Solana Beach, which is your average West Coast seaside village - except with people who look like John Huston, Shelley Winters, Bo Hopkins, Claude Akins, and the luscious Italian dish Delia Boccardo. Just like JAWS, our main players are busy enjoying the sun & sea and preparing for some festive annual seafaring event, in this case the yearly Solana Beach Regatta. The town mayor, John Corey (Cesare Danova), is also about to enter into a resort development contract with the powerful Trojan Corporation, led by the slick Mr. Whitehead (Peter Fonda). Only an Italian film could name a powerful corporation after a condom brand and keep a straight face. How inconvenient, then, when strange things start happening...

First, a baby disappears from the edge of the local beach, apparently snatched by something in the water (look at the title of this flick and think real hard, folks) while her vapid mother gossips with another woman. Second, a fisherman's boat gets squueeeeeeezzzzzeeeeedddd into nothingness by something in the water (look at the title of this flick and think real hard again, folks) one night while fishing. And third, some local hottie named Judy (Sherry Buchanan) - along with her dumb hick buddies Mike and Chuck (Alan Boyd and Franco Diogene) - disappears while out boating one afternoon (do I have to tell you folks to look at the title of this flick and think real hard again?). All in all, not the best time to be indulging in water-sports in good ol' Solana, CA. Unless, of course, you have a Death Wish.

Anyhow, before long, our townspeople get suspicious (fucking finally!) and Sheriff Robards (Claude Akins) calls in the help of local stud-muffin marine biologist/Orca trainer Will Gleason (Bo Hopkins). Oh, and Will just happens to have an ultra-hot Italian wife named Vicky (Delia Boccardo). Okay, alright, Vicky is actually an American character, but as we already established before, TENTACLES is technically an Italian movie, and therefore Vicky is played by the hot Italian babe Delia Boccardo. Got that? Good.

So, like I was saying... Solana Beach plus Marauding Giant Octopus equals Cancel Your Summer Plans, Assholes. I don't have to tell you folks that Mayor Corey predictably pooh-poohs Sheriff Robards and Will's concerns. Nor do I have to share that Whitehead and his development agenda gets put way ahead of the safety of the Solana Beach residents and regatta participants. And it sure as fuck goes without saying that our lovely, lovely Delia Boccardo, er, Vicky gets put in serious danger when she decides to search for Judy and her two dumbass escorts, out at sea. Did I mention that Vicky and Judy are supposed to be sisters, too? Just play along, folks. It's an Italian horror film, after all.

Will Will (giggle) be able to stop the rampaging octopus? Will Mayor Corey and that jackass Whitehead continue to suppress his attempts to warn the public? What will happen if the regatta, uh, happens? Will the eight-armed psycho ocean creature make a buffet out of all the sailors? Or will Will (ha ha) talk some sense into the powers-that-be and shut the whole show down? Or is Solana Beach destined to becomes a major footnote in a future book on Oceanic Disasters? And why did an octopus, supposedly the most docile creature this side of a tranquilized Justin Bieber, go ape-shit in the first place?

Hopefully it's not because it found out that John Huston and Shelley Winters' trailers were bigger than his. Or is it? Hmmmmmmm....


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our recent GIALLI SAMPLER, we discussed the popularity of Italian Gialli (colorful Italian murder mysteries) and how they influenced modern American thrillers and horror films. Another little-known branch of Italian cinema, though, is the "Italian Rip-Off Of An American Blockbuster." Italian studios were famous (or infamous) for this. For every American hit in the 60s, 70s, & 80s, there were likely a few Italian clones that followed, closely mimicking plot - but not necessarily quality. After THE EXORCIST, there were THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM and BEYOND THE DOOR 2. After THE OMEN, there were THE CHOSEN and THE VISITOR. And after JAWS, there was THE LAST SHARK and... TENTACLES.

As these cheesy Italian Rip-Offs go, TENTACLES isn't bad. It certainly is nowhere near as good as JAWS, not even close. But it gets a passing grade because of its competent technical aspects and the presence of some talented (and accomplished) folks in the cast. A friend of mine likes to joke that John Huston, Shelley Winters, and Peter Fonda must have really owed someone in the Italian film industry a huge favor for starring in this film. Either that or they were being blackmailed, he says. The truth is, the movie is not an embarrassment for any of them - and, in any case, their roles are actually fairly minimal, almost like window-dressing.

TENTACLES actually belongs to Bo Hopkins and his character of Will Gleason. The film acquits itself enough to score an average rating, largely due to Will's plot thread and his idea to use his pet Orcas to hunt down and kill the giant octopus. It plays out a lot less ridiculous than it sounds on paper, and packs a decent amount of suspense and tension. Italian actress Delia Boccardo is also a nice presence as Will's doomed wife, Vicky. I remember first watching TENTACLES as a kid and being crushed by (SPOILERS) Vicky's unexpected death. I was sure she was being positioned as the film's heroine. In any case, her abrupt disappearance from the action gives the movie some emotional resonance and gravity - and believably fuels Will's determination to destroy the octopus. I daresay Vicky's fate is akin to (SPOILERS) Rachel Dawes' (Maggie Gylenhaal) similarly out-of-left-field demise in THE DARK KNIGHT.

Ultimately, TENTACLES is nothing more than a passable Italian rip-off of JAWS that manages to rise above others of its kind because of some solid flourishes. Director Ovidio Assonitis helms it with assurance and makes his characters reasonably believable and likable. He also tweaks the formula here and there (the unexpected death of Vicky; the Orcas saving the day; some nice character interaction) to give it some freshness and appeal. Unlike THE LAST SHARK, which was such a blatant rip-off of JAWS (and a lousy one, at that) that Universal pictures actually took legal action against the producers. At least TENTACLES tries some ideas of its own.