MOVIE RATING SCALE:

***** (Spectacular) 10

****1/2 (Excellent) 9

**** (Very Good) 8

***1/2 (Good) 7

*** (Above Average) 6

**1/2 (Average) 5

** (Below Average) 4

*1/2 (Mediocre) 3

* (Awful) 2

1/2 (Abysmal) 1

0 (Worthless) 0


Wednesday, February 29, 2012

# 438 - PUNCTURE (2011)

PUNCTURE (2011 - DRAMA) **** out of *****

(Hawtest. Lawyah. Evah.)

YEAH!

CAST: Chris Evans, Mark Kassen, Marshall Bell, Brett Cullen, Vinessa Shaw, Roxanne Sharp, Kate Burton.

DIRECTOR: Mark Kassen, Adam Kassen.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one ssssssssssmmmmmooooooookkiiiiiin’ hawt ambulance-chaser - straight ahead…




It’s a damn good thing very few lawyers look like the lawyer hero of our next review, because the crime rate would go through the fucking roof, mark my words. You’d have women and gay dudes pulling all sorts of heinous shit - just for the privilege of being represented by the sizzlin’ piece of man-meat that is Mike Weiss. You see, Mike is a Houston legal eagle who is played by Chris Evans, who looks a lot like a Roman God (he is half-Italian, after all) fused with a goofy dork (he is half-Irish, after all). Hell, if I lived in Houston, there’s no limit to the Machiavellian crap I would pull just to end up as one of Mike’s clients - and just to have the privilege of conducting an, ahem, one-on-one interview with him.

Also, Mike is not your average, boring, goodie-goodie lawyer. For starters, he likes to: (1) snort loads of cocaine to boost himself for court appearances; (2) throw awesome house parties with baby crocodiles and iguanas crawling over the guests’ feet; (3) fuck chicks in his and his wife’s bed (baaaaaad boy); and my favorite: (4) get handjobs from his legal assistant in a parking lot. Hmmmmm… maybe I should just work at Mike’s law firm instead - I’d be on the right side of the law, and still get to, um, “milk the cow” even after the trial is over. Trust me, the mental image of Chris Evans getting a “Happy Ending” in a car is just what I need right now to warm my nuts after nearly freezing them off tonight at the Sounders/Jaguares De Chiapas friendly soccer match. Good thing we won - otherwise, I would’ve ripped my frozen balls off my body and thrown them at Sigi Schmidt.

Partay…

Partay…

But I digress. Anyhow, Mike and his more straight-laced (let’s face it: next to Mike, even the Devil is straight-laced) partner Mark Danziger (Mark Kassen) run a modest practice specializing in personal injury claims. Their usual parade of spurious, money-hungry clients is interrupted by a request from one Vicky Rogers (Vinessa Shaw) to meet with them. Vicky is a former nurse who is now suffering from AIDS after contracting HIV from an accidental needle stick in the ER, and our boys think she just wants more workman’s comp or something like that. Upon meeting Mike and Paul face-to-face, though, Vicky tells them that she doesn’t want more money from her former employers. She wants something else.

You see, in the aftermath of Vicky’s accidental needle stick, a family friend named Jeffrey Dancourt (Marshall Bell) engineered a slick new syringe that prevents accidental needle sticks and repeat usage - and therefore will significantly decrease the number of accidental infections of frontline healthcare workers like ER nurses and doctors. Makes sense, yes? Sounds great, right? Who wouldn’t want to use syringes that save lives? Well, for starters, the hospitals themselves. Turns out that Jeffrey’s new syringes are more expensive to manufacture and purchase than conventional (and unsafe) syringes. And, as they say, money talks… So much for the fucking Hippocratic Oath. More like the Hypocritic Oath.

Syringe Showdown…

Legal Eagles…

Paul sympathizes with Vicky, but tells her they can’t take the case because she is already being compensated for her illness. It’s not within the scope of their firm to fight for the use of the new syringe. Mike, on the other hand, being somewhat of a genius in addition to a hottie, realizes that they can use the “Syringe Case” to make a name for themselves and hit the big time. Oh, and saving hundreds of thousands of lives is pretty cool, too. And before you know it, Mike has pretty much twisted Paul’s arm into representing Jeffrey - and fighting to get hospital and medical supply companies across the nation to carry his invention.

Unfortunately, Mike and Paul underestimate the power of Big Business. No sooner than word gets out about their new client, do things start to get supremely shitty for them. For starters, they have to face off against the country’s most powerful medical supply company - and its ferocious band of lawyers led by Nathaniel Price (Brett Cullen), who is as scumbaggy as his name suggests. Then, what starts out as stroke of good luck when a high-powered Senator (Kate Burton) decides to back Mike and Paul’s case, turns into a pain-in-the-ass when she tells Mike that she will only fight this cause if he drops out of it. You see, she can’t have a cokehead who gets handjobs in parked cars from his assistant to be associated with anything with her name on it. Obviously, this bitch has never had the pleasure of giving a hand job to a guy who looks like Chris Evans. I’m just saying…

Go for it…

Go for it…

So… will Mike and Paul be able to win this “David Vs. Goliath” battle? Or will Price and his band of legal sharks bury them? Will Jeffrey’s invention be embraced by the medical service community at large? Or will Price and the other powers that be continue to suppress its existence? Will the Senator be able to help change things? Will she force Mike to drop from the case? Or will she give him another chance by telling him to clean up, stop partying so hard, and resist the urge to ask for handjobs from his assistant? Will Mike be able to go straight? Or will he relapse, big time? Hard to say. One thing I know for sure: that legal assistant of Mike’s must have calluses on her right hand by now. Who needs that goofy looking Shake Weight thing when you can just milk some dude’s schlong. Just keeping it real.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: The tagline for PUNCTURE’s poster is “Sometimes, the brightest light comes from the darkest places”. It’s a perfect way to describe the film’s emotional core. It’s protagonist is far from the typical portrait of a hero as we know it. Mike Weiss is portrayed as a brash drug addict and lothario who can be a bit ruthless. However, these “anti-hero” traits are contradicted by some traditional hero qualities within Mike: compassion, courage, tenacity, passion, forcefulness, and conviction. In essence, Mike is the last person most people would expect to effect a powerful change - but he is ultimately the only person best equipped to do so. Hence, the light shining from a dark place.

Mike Weiss was a real-life Houston lawyer who, together with his partner, battled a powerful medical supply company to adopt the use of a “safety syringe” for frontline health care workers - and ultimately won. By most accounts, Weiss was an interesting and contradictory character, variously described as a “genius, visionary, friend, playboy, fool, warrior”. With such a complex character, you need an actor who can portray both the contradictions and flaws - and still retain audience interest and sympathy. In short, you need someone unique. With Chris Evans, PUNCTURE has the perfect lead. Evans perfectly embodies all of Weiss’ many sides - good, not-so-good, and the varying degrees in between. His range here is remarkable, going from cocky and sexy, to passionate and determined, to weepy and vulnerable, to calm and resigned, to cold and vicious, to kind and compassionate - and all over again. If PUNCTURE would’ve gotten a bit more attention during its release last fall, I’d be willing to bet that Chris Evans would’ve gotten some Best Actor nominations from the various award-giving groups. He’s that good, proving yet again he’s more than just a handsome face.

Co-director Mark Kassen is fine as Mike’s more cautious and level-headed partner Paul. He has an “Odd Couple” chemistry with Evans that anchors the film effectively. It’s important that we buy into Mike and Paul’s relationship, because it is the film’s emotional center. And it sets up an important plot twist at the very end. Suffice it to say, Mike grows in Paul’s eyes - and ultimately inspires him to do the right thing. Anyone who knows the facts around this real-life case knows how it ends - and what happens to Mike. It’s a testament as much to Evans and Kassen’s chemistry, as it is to Kassen and his brother Adam’s direction that the finale sneaks up on you and devastates as much as it does.

Brett Cullen, Vinessa Shaw, Kate Burton, and Marshall Bell are all solid in their important supporting roles. Cullen is the standout as the powerful medical company lawyer who seems almost amused that these two young whippersnappers are trying to face off against his formidable clients. Cullen manages to infuse some nuance and layers to Nathaniel Price, giving an almost-paternal vibe to his interactions with Mike. This sort of “sympathetic villain” is reminiscent of James Mason’s similar character in THE VERDICT. In short, the “baddie” is just a guy doing his job - just like the hero.

In the end, PUNCTURE is a surprisingly affecting film about the importance of making a stand - even if it ultimately means sacrificing a lot. In essence, it’s a Valentine to doing the right thing. Mike Weiss comes to believe this after starting out in a more self-interested light - and he ultimately inspires Paul Danziger to fight the good fight. Chris Evans’ performance is Oscar-worthy - and if there’s any justice in the Universe, he will get more roles like this that prove his unique appeal. And, hopefully, just as with Russell Crowe’s win for GLADIATOR, we will eventually hear: “And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Chris Evans.”

I dedicate this review to the memory of Michael David Weiss: friend, lawyer, genius, visionary, playboy, and a hero. And Duran Duran’s “Come Undone" - the perfect song tribute to a troubled, unique, beautiful soul: "Who do you need, who do you love, when you come undone?"

Monday, February 27, 2012

# 437 - THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY (2010)

THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY (2010 - ANIMATED / FAMILY) ****½ out of *****

(No friendship is too small… even if it‘s with a tiny chick)

Ever meet Tom Thumb?

CAST: Voices of Brigit Mendler, David Henrie, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Carol Burnett, Moises Arias, Gracie Polleti.

DIRECTOR: Hiromasa Yonebashi

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and more reasons to install security cameras in your home - straight ahead…




Remember those chuckleheads in PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 1, 2, & 3? Remember how they were so bedeviled (there’s the right word) by things-that-go-bump-in-the-fucking-night that they decided to install security cameras around their houses to see what the hell was going on? Remember their horror at discovering the culprit was, um, not exactly human? And more like the demonic equivalent of Manny Pacquiao? Well, if the folks in THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY would’ve followed their lead, they would’ve discovered that the perpetrators of years of petty theft of tiny items (sugar cubes, needles, thread, buttons, etc.) in their home ain’t exactly human, either. At least, not normal-sized.

You see, within the house of Aunt Jessica (voice of Gracie Pollett), lives the Clock family. They are father Pod, mother Homily, and daughter Arrietty (voices of Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, and Brigit Mendler). What’s so bizarre about that? I mean, a lot of people let their relatives live with them, right? Well, folks, for starters, the Clocks are not related to Aunt Jessica, nor does she know they exist in her abode. Hell, they aren’t even as big as her pinkie. What am I talking about? Not much - just the fact that the Clock family are teeny-tiny versions of us, and live under the floorboards of Aunt Jessica’s house in what looks like the inside of a cottage in one of those Thomas Kinkade paintings. Oh, and the Clocks like to venture out at night to “borrow” the aforementioned tiny things mentioned before. Well, “borrow” isn’t exactly accurate because it implies returning the objects at some point. And it don’t exactly look like them Clocks are about to do that anytime soon. So, I guess “rob blind” is a more apt description.

Anyhow, things take a turn for the interesting when Aunt Jessica’s sickly nephew Shawn (voice of David Henrie) arrives in the isolated homestead to summer away his health issues. You know how in haunted house movies the characters will move in and graaaaaaaadually realize the place is spooked? Well, in this flick, Shawn pretty much trips over Arrietty in the bushes as soon as he arrives. So much for the mysterious build-up. I know this ain’t technically a haunted house flick, but damn - couldn’t we have gotten a couple of false alarms and red herrings? Because when you think about it, this flick kind of follows the same formula. It’s just that the “ghosts” are smaller than a baby carrot. And they have kleptomaniac tendencies…

What the hell?

Really?

Go for it, cat…

Anyhow, it doesn’t take long for Arrietty to reveal herself to Shawn. As you can imagine, an instant friendship forms. But, as with a lot of friendships, there are some challenges: (1) he’s human-sized; (2) she’s smaller than a Cheetoh; (3) at any given moment, Shawn’s cat Nina could eat her like a Cheetoh; (4) Pod and Homily understandably have an issue with their beloved daughter being friends with a kid who could literally squash her without trying; and (4) Shawn’s nosy housekeeper Hara (voice of Carol Burnett) has long dreamed of finding proof of the “little people’s” existence - and exterminating them like a colony of dirty roaches. I guess she wasn’t too happy about all those missing sugar cubes, eh?

Can this friendship survive? Or will Arrietty and her parents, as Pod warns them, have to move and find another home because they have been found out? Or can they trust Shawn to protect them? How long can Shawn keep Nina the Cat from shredding them? How long can he keep Hara the Bloodhound at bay, who’s like Renee Russo and Catherine Zeta Jones’s insurance investigator babes from THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR and ENTRAPMENT, only soooooooo not a babe (not even remotely close)? Will Shawn and Arrietty have a happy ending? Or will she be chomped by a crow while he watches?

Now, that would be a fucked-up ending. Hilarious, even breathtaking - but still fucked-up.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: During our “Personal Favorites” celebration to commemorate the end of our initial “365 Movie Reviews In 365 Days” run last June, we reviewed one of my personal favorites: the lovely, enchanting, and almost indescribable SPIRITED AWAY. Directed by famed Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki, SPIRITED AWAY told the dream-like tale of a Japanese girl named Chihiro, and how her family explores a seemingly abandoned theme park. Turns out the place is actually a “Spa for the Spirits” - and for trespassing on supernatural territory and eating the food of the other-worldly guests, Chihiro’s parents are transformed into pigs. Chihiro narrowly avoids a similar fate, and must now infiltrate the world of the spirits to find allies, avoid enemies, and find a way to save her parents and herself.

In keeping with the “Personal Favorites” credo of “you like what you like and I respect that”, we didn’t assign any ratings to the dozen or so movies we reviewed during that homestretch run. However, if I could assign a rating now to SPIRITED AWAY, it would be ****1/2 out of *****, for many reasons but mainly its magical ability to transport you to a different world - to, as its title suggests, actually spirit you away. And now, we turn out attention to Hayao Miyazaki’s latest effort (this time, as producer): the more restrained, but no less lovely THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY, which is finally reaching our shores two years after its initial release in Japan.

Based on the novel “The Borrowers” by Mary Norton, THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY explores the unlikely bond between a young boy and a young girl - only the girl is exceedingly tiny. As with SPIRITED AWAY, Miyazaki and director Hiromasa Yonebashi create Shawn’s world - and Arrietty’s world within it - with vivid strokes. As with SPIRITED AWAY, the effect is hypnotic and surreal - especially when we follow Arrietty and her family up the seemingly cavernous confines behind the walls of Shawn’s home. The images of Arietty and Pod using nails as ladder and stairs is a striking one. As with the best animated films, ARIETTY and SPIRITED AWAY draw you in to the rhythm and colors of their universe.

Speaking of color, with the rise of computer-generated animation in films like CARS, TOY STORY 1-3, ICE AGE, and many recent hits, it’s easy to forget how arresting “old school” hand-drawn and hand-painted animation can be. Both ARIETTY and SPIRITED AWAY remind us just how enveloping this medium can be. Earlier, I joked about how some of the sets looked like the interior of a Thomas Kinkade painting. In all seriousness, though, many of the exterior shots have the soft-focus, yet also somehow sharp, look of Kinkade’s paintings. There were moments where we actually felt ourselves getting drowsy - not from boredom, but from the serene look and feel of this movie.

Arrietty, Shawn, Pod, Homily, Hara, Spiller, and Aunt Jessica are all voiced with perfection by the cast. It’s as much to their credit as it is the animators, that the characters end up as distinctive and memorable as they are. Even the animal characters like Nina the Cat and the Crow end up with something approaching personality. Speaking of Nina, one of the pleasures of ARRIETTY is how she is positioned to be an adversary against Arietty and her family - only to wind up becoming a valuable ally. Further cementing the theme of unexpected friendship.

Ultimately, THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY reminds us of E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, with its themes of unlikely friendship and selfless sacrifice. Shawn has a heart condition that prevents him from too much physical exertion - but he risks his health and life to help Arrietty and her parents - just as Elliott risked his own skin to help E.T. return to his own kind. And just as E.T. had a poignant farewell to cap it, so too does ARRIETTY have a coda that will linger in your memory for a time to come.

In the end, this movie is a beautiful Valentine to unlikely kinships everywhere - and the steps true friends take to ensure the safety and well-being of one another. To commemorate Shawn and Arrietty's friendship, Matt Kearney's awesome "Ships In The Night":

Saturday, February 25, 2012

# 436 - WEDDING CRASHERS (2005)

WEDDING CRASHERS (2005 - COMEDY / ROMANCE) **** out of *****

(Once more into the Bridesmaids Fray we go - partay!)

YEAH!

CAST: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel MacAdams, Isla Fisher, Christopher Walken, Jane Seymour, Bradley Cooper.

DIRECTOR: David Dobkins

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a couple of really crafty Nuptials Kamikazes - straight ahead…



I used to think couples opted for small, private weddings to save money and be economical - which I totally get and is the approach we took, er, will take. Ahem. Now, however, I’m starting to wonder if they choose the “no-frills” approach to matrimony to keep unwanted guests from crashing the event in hopes of snagging free food, booze, and ass. Think that’s a tad farfetched? Well, allow me to regal you with the story of a friend of mine who claimed to do this sort of thing when he was a college student in the early 70’s. He says he’d take whatever girl he was banging at the time - and together they would crash a wedding, blend in, and dance the night away. At least he was just there for the free food and booze, because he already brought some ass with him. Ahem.

Then there are the heroes of our next Valentine’s review, WEDDING CRASHERS, who basically treat weddings like some sort of lace-and-taffeta-choked game park filled with frilly and giggly prey - and they are the big strong hunters. They are John Beckwith (Owen Wilson) and Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn), two of our nation’s capital’s many lawyers, and two of our nation’s most relentless poonhounds. As previously mentioned, J & J’s modus operandi involves infiltrating any wedding in the D.C. area - and basically turning it into their own personal playground. These two dipshits are just cute enough, smart enough, and - yes - also dumb enough to pull this crap off. And the jackpot: that apparently prized artifact called, ahem, “Bridesmaid Pussy”. As opposed to, ahem, “Best Man Cock.” We’re saving that for the sequel that I will star in with Neil Patrick Harris, where we crash weddings to bag - you got it - the Best Men.

Partay…

Partay…

But I digress. Anyhow, John and Jeremy’s successful run of “Matrimony Marauding” runs into a snag when their little charade goes over a little too well at the high-profile wedding of one Christina Cleary (Jenny Alden). See, it turns out that Christina’s dad is William Cleary (Christopher Walken), Secretary of the Treasury. Which, I don’t have to tell you, is kind of a big deal. John and Jeremy certainly think so, and they determine that bagging William’s two other daughters, Gloria and Claire (Isla Fisher, Rachel MacAdams) will be the Vagina Equivalent of winning the World Cup. Sorry… these chicks are cute, but I’ll take Paolo and Fabio Cannavaro over them - any day.

Go for it…

Go for it…

Unfortunately, their plan works a little too well, and before you know it, William is inviting these two “fakers” to their New England summer pied-a-terre. Jeremy, having already fucked Gloria, say “Fuck, NO!” - but John hasn’t played “hide-the-sausage” with Claire yet, so he pretty much goes “Hell, YEAH!” Before you know it, J & J are whisked away to Kennebunkport (or something) along with the rest of the Clearly clan for what is sure to be a long weekend of role-playing. And I don’t just mean the one where you force your boyfriend to dress like the Fed-Ex guy and you pretend to spill chocolate milk down the front of his pants and invite him to use your bathroom to clean up. Ahem.

So… how long can John and Jeremy go on with this masquerade before someone finds them out? Are they taking the act too far? Will John succeed in wooing Claire? And what happens when he finds himself - GASP - falling in love with her? Doesn’t he know he’s breaking rule # 1 of the “Wedding Crasher’s Manual”? And what about Jeremy? What happens when Gloria turns into a sex machine and fucks him every chance she gets? Has he created a monster? How will he tame the beast? And will Claire’s asshole boyfriend Zack (Bradley Cooper) blow the whistle on them? How will this vacation end?

Who cares. Let’s get my future co-star Neil Patrick Harris on the line - and get that sequel started: WEDDING CRASHERS 2: BEST MEN, WATCH OUT!


BUT, SERIOUSLY: We were supposed to review VALENTINE’S DAY as part of the Valentine’s 2012 celebration. However, that would be too “on-the-nose” as a review, and so we’ve gone with the 2005 smash WEDDING CRASHERS instead, which is both a romance (two, to be exact) and a bromance. It’s also, frankly, a much better film than VALENTINE’S DAY. Another reason I chose WEDDING CRASHERS was to showcase a film with a great Rachel MacAdams performance. I’m a fan of hers, and was disappointed by her wan and bland turn in the recent overrated romance THE VOW. So much so that we had to watch WEDDING CRASHERS again to get a shot of that potent MacAdams charisma. This was the first movie that made me fall for MacAdams - she is, quite literally, a breath of fresh air here. Almost as vibrant as Julia Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN - and we know what that movie did for Roberts’ career.

But more on MacAdams’ lovely performance later. Because as good as she is - and she’s very good - hers is not the only strong element here. We’ve talked in past reviews about how a perfect cast, a witty script, and a confident director are the recipes for a successful comedy. They’re all present in WEDDING CRASHERS.

The parts are all perfectly cast right down the line - not a false note among them. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are thoroughly engaging and bring two different kinds of charm to the table. Wilson is good-looking, but not conventionally or perfectly handsome, and this complements John Beckwith’s quirky, offbeat, and mellow personality. Wilson turns John into someone who marches to his own drummer and is quite comfortable with his flaws - which becomes something irresistible to all those bridesmaids and, eventually, Claire. This is easily one of Wilson’s best roles.

Vaughn, on the other hand, brings his trademark rapid-fire wit and funny intensity to the role of Jeremy - which is a nice complement to John’s more laid-back demeanor. Vaughn has some really hilarious lines in this movie. I’ve heard that he likes to do improv sometimes. If this is true, then some of the stuff he comes up with in WEDDING CRASHERS is sheer genius. Vaughn brings an acid edge to Jeremy that keeps you leaning forward to see what will come out of his mouth next. He’s one of my favorite comedians.

The supporting cast is just as strong - right down to the smallest role. Christopher Walken, Jane Seymour, Isla Fisher, and Keir O’Donnell are similarly unconventional as the rest of the Cleary family. Bradley Cooper fits his “smug rich jerk” role to a “tee”. In fact, he plays the role so well, that it took me years to stop seeing “Zack” in his subsequent roles. By the time THE HANGOVER rolled around, I could accept Cooper in “good guy” roles. It took awhile, though, and it’s because he plays this antagonist so well.

Last but certainly not the least, Rachel MacAdams delivers a quietly dazzling performance as Claire Cleary, the girl who makes John rethink his lothario ways. MacAdams is pitch-perfect here, making Claire one of the best romantic comedy heroines in a long time. The problem with a lot of these movies is that the heroines often seem to be the same, no matter who is playing them. With MacAdams, Claire feels like a real, unique, vibrant human being. She never once descends to the cutesy-ditzy-annoying schtick that Meg Ryan and Cameron Diaz sometimes peddle (which, uncharacteristically, MacAdams was guilty of in THE VOW). Nor does she fall into the overly-brittle trap that often snares Katherine Heigl. Bottom line: Claire could’ve become a stereotype in the hands of a lesser actress - but MacAdams knocks the role out of the park, making us root hard not only for her, but for her relationship with John.

Ultimately, WEDDING CRASHERS succeeds because of a “perfect storm” of perfect cast, funny script, and confident direction. It’s also a solid Valentine to all the unexpected romances and enduring bromances out there. If only more romantic comedies would get the formula right…

Go for it…

# 435 - CIAO (2008)

CIAO (2008 - DRAMA) *** out of *****

(BEFORE SUNRISE - with a hot Italian and a not-bad Texan…)

Bellissimo!

CAST: Alessandro Calzo, Adam Neal Smith, Charles Blaum, Ethel Lung.

DIRECTOR: Yen Tan

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really moody sort-of romance - straight ahead…



Andrea, the hero of our latest review, CIAO, and Ryan, the hero of one of our recent reviews, CELLULAR (review # 430), have a lot in common: (1) they’re innocent bystanders (Andrea is a tourist, Ryan is a bum) who (2) both receive some distressing news via electronic technology (Andrea finds out via email that his internet boyfriend is dead, Ryan finds out via cellphone that some chick has been kidnapped and needs his help); and (3) they’re both hot Italians (Andrea is visiting from Genova, while Ryan is… well, I guess we’re not sure if he’s Italian or not, but the actor that plays him, Chris Evans, is half-Italian so that’s pretty much the same thing, right?).

Go for it…

Anyhow, Andrea (Alessandro Calzo) met Mark (Charles Blaum), a hot Texan, over the internet, and was planning to come all the way from Italy to finally meet him face-to-face in Dallas. Unfortunately, Mark got into a car accident just before Andrea’s trip. Yes, folks: death is the ultimate cock-blocker - and Andrea is left with some serious blue balls and plane ticket to nowhere. This makes Ryan’s dilemma a hell of a lot more bearable: even if he doesn’t save that kidnapped chick, he can still get laid, no-problem.

Go for it…

Enter Jeff (Adam Neale Smith), Mark’s best friend who is gay, too. Seems that Jeff has been taking care of Mark’s, um, “affairs” in the aftermath of the tragedy. While reviewing Mark’s emails to send responses that say “Sorry, but I died“, Jeff finds his correspondence with Andrea. Realizing that Andrea is from Italy and therefore is something of a boner-inducer, Jeff emails Andrea and urges him to come visit anyway. It doesn’t come as the biggest surprise that Andrea agrees.

And so Andrea arrives in Dallas and promptly discovers the following things: (1) Jeff is not-bad looking, and may have a had a thing for Mark; (2) Dallas has a lot of country music and “line-dancers” which, to an Italian, is probably the most horrifying thing ever; and (3) he has two days to try to get something out of his trans-Atlantic journey - that is, some nookie. And Jeff is in his line of fire.

But are things as simple as they seem? Should Andrea and Jeff consummate their attraction so soon after Mark’s death? Wouldn’t that be disrespectful? Or is their attraction more a friendly nature? Will the passionate Italian melt this reserved Texan? What happens when Jeff takes Andrea out line-dancing? Will all that country music freak the shit out of Andrea and make him hightail it back to Italy forever? Or will he give in to the Dark Side, put on a cowboy hat, and cowboy boots - and turn into The World’s Most Exotic And Hottest Honky Tonk? How should Jeff handle their “spark”?

Personally, I don’t know what the hold-up is here. Memo to Jeff: Andrea is Italian, dude… TAP. THAT. NOW.

Go for it…



BUT, SERIOUSLY: Reviewing films can be tricky. You have to balance three major things: (1) intent, (2) execution, and (3) result. Some films have flimsy intentions that are made solid by some accomplished execution, which can result in strong entertainment. Other films may have mediocre intentions and execution which predictably result in mediocre results. The true trifecta is if you have a film that has remarkable intentions and superb execution - because that often results in a classic film. Then there are films that have noble, ambitious intentions but also have limited budgets that hamper the execution, resulting in a film that is as interesting as it is flawed. Such a film is our latest review, CIAO.

Writer/director Yen Tan’s intentions are noble. CIAO is meant to be a chaste, platonic romance between two strangers who meet quite unexpectedly over the death of a mutual friend. Jeff has shared a lifetime with the dead Mark, while Andrea was about to. This is where CIAO’s strength lies: in the quiet mourning that both Jeff and Andrea go through. One mourns a love that was lost, the other mourns a love that might’ve been. While these two talk endlessly about Mark and many other things, their feelings for him - and each other - are left tantalizingly between the lines. As any good love story should.

There are moments of hypnotic power in CIAO, with Tan using long, unbroken takes and shots. Anyone with a short attention span would do well to avoid CIAO, since much of it unspools in an elegiac and attenuated way. This method allows us to almost share the characters’ sense of loss. The ultimate effect is one of lives in a state of flux - changed unexpectedly by an event that has yet to sink in.

Where CIAO stumbles somewhat is in certain areas of execution. For a film with a low-budget, this is a handsome production in some respects. The photography is both coolly distant and warmly present, and the musical score is spare and stark in a way that actually enhances the theme of emotional isolation. However, the budget constraints also force Tan to resort too often to “Talking Heads” shots. That is, a constant cutting back and forth between closeups of two characters as they talk. This results in an almost monotonous “tennis game effect” where we feel we are swinging our heads from side-to-side watching two people playing.

Fortunately, what the characters talk about is compelling enough to keep us from tuning out. Just think of how much more powerful CIAO could’ve been with a bigger budget that would’ve allowed Tan to take his characters out into more vibrant and unpredictable settings in urban Dallas? The reason similarly-themed films like BEFORE SUNRISE and LAST CHANCE HARVEY were so wonderful was not only because of what was going on between the leads, but also how their environment changed around them and affected them. In CIAO, the environment is static because of the low budget.

Alessandro Calzo (who co-wrote the script with Tan) perfectly embodies Andrea’s quintessentially Italian combo of warm approachability and cool serenity, and shows us signs of the hidden hurt within. His final shot at the airport is heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. Adam Neale Smith is engaging in quieter way as the Texan who has erected multiple walls and defenses that are easily knocked down by the arrival of this dynamic Italian. Andrea and Jeff’s best scenes are the one where they finally meet each other halfway: (1) a wonderful sequence where they discover an old-style arcade game machine in Mark’s garage and engage in a heated video game battle; and (2) a silent segment where they stand at the back of a dance club watching dozens of people line-dance to country music - we just see Jeff and Andrea talking and laughing but can’t hear what they are saying, which makes the scene all the more intriguing.

Ethel Lung and Charles Baum round out the small cast as, respectively: (1) Lauren, Jeff’s inquisitive half-sister; and (2) Mark, the common man in both Jeff and Andrea’s lives whose death changes them. Blaum, in particular, manages the neat trick of permeating the movie with his character’s presence - even after his death very early on. We only a catch a fleeting glimpse of Mark in the beginning as he wordlessly gets into his car and drives off - on the morning of the accident. After that, we only see him in pictures and videos, and hear about him in conversations. But he haunts the entire movie like a phantom, further enhancing the film’s sad and mournful atmosphere.

In the end, CIAO is a film filled with admirable intentions, somewhat flawed execution, and overall interesting results. It is also very important to note that, in Italian, the word “Ciao” can be used both for “hello” and “goodbye”. This makes it perfect as the title of a film that is about sudden endings and new beginnings. All in all, an intriguing effort that might’ve been a classic with a higher budget.

Friday, February 24, 2012

RANDOM HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEOS - Sexy Eye Candy Tributes...

Okay, okay, okay, these videos are more sexy than hilarious (except for Chris Evans' - which is sexy AND hilarious, just like him). Thanks God there are numerous other horndogs out there who do my dirty work for me... As part of the Valentine's Celebration for 2012, some serious eye candy to sample:


Famke Janssen:




Julia Roberts:



Colin O' Donoghue:




Sandra Bullock:




Sophie Marceau:




Russell Crowe:




The Bond Girls:




Daniel Craig:




Maggie Quigley (half-Irish/half-Vietnamese hottie - go half-breeds!):



Chris:




It's been a busy post-Valentine Vacation week, so please expect the rest of the Valentine's 2012 reviews to post in a series of "Lightning Reviews" between now and the end of the month. Will be out of town for the weekend, but will try to post from the road (despite a bandaged eye - don't ask). Thanks for y'all's patience...

Monday, February 20, 2012

# 434 - I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY (2009)

I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY (2009 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) **1/2 out of *****

(Welcome to the Floral Shop From Hell…)

Be My Valentine?!

CAST: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison, Zoe Kazan, Jay O. Sanders, Rachel Dratch, Gary Wilmes.

DIRECTOR: Nia Vardalos

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one wasted romance - straight ahead….



IT’S LIKE THIS: Any guy who’s interested in a meaningful long-term relationship (yes, all eleven of you out there - remove the gay ones, and that leaves only two) would do well to avoid the heroine of our next review . She is Genevieve Gernier (Nia Vardalos), and she is, to put it simply, a Dude In A Chick’s Body. Put simply, she doesn’t believe in relationships - just no-strings attached hot sex that ends after the fifth date. All the better to move on to fresher and greener pastures (figuratively speaking, thank you). Yes, folks: our girl Genevieve changes men every fifth date, making her what is clinically referred to as, ahem, a “Raging Whore“. Go, sistah…

That doesn’t mean that Genevieve isn’t romantic, though. Quite the opposite: she believes everyday should be Valentine’s Day, and owns a New York floral shop that slams this particular message home with vivid precision. Seriously - any guy who walks in will be drained of his testosterone in ten seconds flat, and I don’t mean through a hot blowjob. Although that is a distinct possibility because Genevieve’s two assistants are a couple of gay dudes named Bill and Bob (Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison), but are nicknamed “Ooops” and “Uh-Oh”. Before you start thinking (as I immediately did) that these monikers were based on incidents of premature ejaculation, let me disappoint you: they’re from Bill and Bob’s tendency to be, uh, clumsy. Which, really, is the same thing.

Whatever. Anyhow, Genevieve’s world gets turned upside down when she meets transplanted Atlantan (and ultra-hot) Greg Gatlin (John Corbett), a sweet and humble dude who’s opening a Tapas bar nearby despite the fact that he’s about as Spanish as Brad Pitt. Genevieve and Greg spark an attraction, and before you know it, the “Five-Date” roller-coaster and revving up again. In addition to “Oops” and “Uh-oh”, the rest of Genevieve’s coterie of pals (Rachel Dratch, Zoe Kazan, Jay O. Sanders) pull up their chairs to watch Genevieve do the “Romantic Raging Whore” thing yet again…

Did someone call my name?


THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Genevieve's gal pals (Zoe Kazan, Rachel Dratch). Go, sistahs...

Go, girlz…


EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: John and Nia are pretty smokin’ and turn Greg and Genevieve into one fetchin’ couple…

Sexay…


MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Greg “wooing” Genevieve with a serenade that apparently involves everyone who lives on the block.

Awwwwwww…


MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Greg and best pal Cal (Gary Wilmes) getting drunk on a stoop to drown their romantic sorrows. Guy, get over it….

Awwwwwww…


HOTTEST SCENE: Greg and Genevieve’s courtship is more sweet than sexy. So this award goes to Tim the Straight Delivery Man (Jay O. Sanders) challenging “Ooops” to smooch him - to see if Tim can be seduced to the "dark side". “Ooops” - what are you waiting for, you fucking dork? Here... I'll do it.

Go for it…


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How long can Genevieve continue to do her “Five-Dates-And-That’s-It” thang before she starts to yearn for something more? Will Greg change her outlook on relationships? Or will he join the dozens (if not hundreds) of guys that Genevieve has scorched through? Is Greg “The One”? Will Genevieve be brave and try to start something real with him? Or will she chicken out and move on to the next piece of meat? How will this Valentine’s Day end? Who will live “happily ever after”? Will someone have a “Happy Ending”? One that doesn’t end with “Ooops” or “Uh-Oh”? Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “I HATE VALENTINE‘S DAY”: If you liked Nia Vardalos and John Corbett so much in MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, that you don’t mind them in this decidedly inferior flick.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “I HATE VALENTINE‘S DAY”: If you want your romantic comedies to be more than just passably average. And if you don’t find John and Nia all that special together.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Nothing is more frustrating than a film that has the potential to be a classic, but is undermined by some serious flaws. THE VOW (review # 432) could’ve been a powerful love story, but was weakened by a blank performance from its lead actress and a facile treatment of the great premise by its director and writers. The result was an average experience. The same thing applies to our current review: I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY could’ve been a romantic comedy great, but is hindered by a highly uneven performance from its lead actress and some awkward staging.

Nia Vardalos and John Corbett have a genuine connection that is intriguing and touching - and this came across quite clearly in MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. Their characters’ relationship in that film anchored the story in such a way that it weathered the broad Greek-American stereotypes that bombarded us. Even though the movie was ultimately about Ian’s integration into the Portokalous clan, its emotional center was his romance was Toula. Without it, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING would not have worked - and credit for this should go to the strong chemistry between Vardalos and Corbett.

Why, then, does I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY rate much lower than MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING? How can this movie be significantly weaker than the previous one, with the same stars in another romantic storyline? Sadly, credit (if that is even the right term to use) should go to Vardalos’ erratic performance. The problem is not the character of Genevieve. She had the potential to be even more interesting and compelling than Toula from GREEK WEDDING. Unlike Toula, Genevieve is direct, seductive, romantic, vibrant, alluring, and has a sexy swagger that could easily entice any man. At least that’s how she’s written. How she’s played by Vardalos is a different matter. Unfortunately, Vardalos overdoes a lot of the comedy bits. Some are okay, but a lot of others are too much. Where she should be sensual and subtle, she is hammy and strident. There are a couple of painful parts that hit the wrong comic notes. In these scenes, she plays Genevieve as too over-the-top.

Vardalos wrote the script, so it’s perplexing that she misunderstood her own character so much. You would think that a scribe would know best how to portray his/her creation. Vardalos' interpretation of Genevieve is proof that this isn’t always the case. Fortunately, Vardalos does some things right: when Genevieve starts to drop her cheery façade which is basically a clever defense, she becomes more interesting. If Vardalos stumbles at portraying Genevieve’s humorous side, she acquits herself well by playing the character’s hidden vulnerability. The best scenes are of Genevieve being “real” with Greg on their five dates. These scenes have a genuine spirit of romance to them that virtually keep the movie from sinking into the mediocre swamp (** and below). Vardalos has a very expressive face that projects sadness and confusion well. When she just “relaxes”, she is amazing. If she would only have modulated her comic expressions, too, Genevieve would’ve come across better.

John Corbett wisely underplays in response to Vardalos’ overplaying. You could argue that he is essentially playing Ian from GREEK WEDDING (with shorter hair), but Ian was a pretty good character to begin with, so this isn’t necessarily a negative. Corbett also imbues Greg with more of an edgy stubbornness than Ian had. The best scene is his confrontation with Genevieve at a party where he basically sizes her up - and calls her on her fear of commitment. It is a strangely resonant scene that seems to belong to a stronger movie. Without Corbett to make up for Vardalos’ missteps, this movie would’ve definitely rated lower. And, once again, they have that potent chemistry to save them.

The supporting cast is filled with colorful faces. Stephen Guarino and Amir Arison are delightful as the gay couple who are Genevieve’s # 1 confidantes, while Rachel Dratch and Zoe Kazan are quirky and amusing as her “sisterhood”. As with the best second-string players, these folks provide spice without stealing the limelight from the leads. Guarino and Arison come close, though. But not intentionally. They’re just so cute and charming that it becomes inevitable.

Ultimately, I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY had potential that could’ve been realized by a more subtle and disciplined performance from Vardalos, as well as smoother staging of certain scenes. The fact that the film retains a certain sweet power despite these glaring flaws is testament to how great it could’ve been if executed properly: a romantic comedy that balances skepticism towards the holiday of Valentine’s - while maintaining respect for it.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

# 433 - FOR LOVE OF THE GAME (1999)

FOR LOVE OF THE GAME (1999 - ROMANCE / SPORTS FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(Kevin C. flexes his bat and balls yet again. Crowd goes wild.)

Deep Thoughts by Kevin Costner!

CAST: Kevin Costner, Kelly Preston, John C. Reilly, Jena Malone, Brian Cox, Steve Lyons.

DIRECTOR: Sam Raimi

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really fateful baseball game (and faithful chick) - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: You know that saying “When it rains, it pours”? Well, if there ever was a sporting example of that maxim, it’s our latest review. FOR LOVE OF THE GAME is about one night in the life of a legendary baseball player, Billy Chapel (Kevin Costner). But not just any night. You see the following shit is happening to our dear Billy on this fateful evening: (1) he is about to retire from the game; (2) his estranged journalist girlfriend Jane Aubrey (Kelly Preston) has just broken things off with him and is hours away from flying to London to be a high-powered magazine editor; and (3) he has to play one last game before he can hang up his jockstrap. But not just any game: the World Series finals. Even someone as a dumb about baseball as me knows that is a big deal.

Yes, sir. Our boy Billy is having a serious case of performance anxiety. And I can’t say I blame him. It’s bad enough that Jane is breaking up with him, but the bitch also picked a great night to do it on. Then again, Billy hasn’t exactly been a sweet Koala Bear to her, either. More like a grumpy Doberman. As Billy prepares to step up to the World Series plate, and as Jane prepares to get on that flight to England, we see a series of flashbacks showing their, um, “love story“. Starting from their “meet-cute” on the side of a freeway (no, Jane is not a hooker on the side), to their courtship, to their fucking, to Billy’s ghastly hand injury that threatens his game, and finally to the arguments and fights that finally make Jane think that perhaps life as a sleek and single fashion editor in Jolly London might not be such a bad thing, after all.

Jane, girl, some advice: forget about Billy and baseball players - and get your ass to Europe and find yourself a sizzlin’ soccer player instead. Trust me - you won’t be sorry.


THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Billy’s fellow Detroit Tiger and best pal Gus Sinski (John C. Reilly) who dotes on and mothers Billy so much, you have to wonder if they weren’t married in a previous life. In fact, Billy even whines that he was saddled with “The World’s Ugliest Housewife”. Ha ha. Love it.

Go, boy…

Go, boy…


EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: The Kevin. All the way. The Kelly ain’t exactly chopped liver, either…

Sexay!

Sexay!


MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The final inning - where Billy is on the mound and is about to throw a make-or-break pitch that will either have him retire on a wave of glory. Or under an avalanche of defeat.

Go, Billy…


MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Jane and Billy’s vacation in Colorado that goes down an unexpected path. You’ll see…

Ooops…


HOTTEST SCENE: Jane torn between getting on that flight to London - or missing it to watch Billy’s game. Choose from the heart, girl….


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Billy finish his career on a high note by winning the World Series? Or will he continue his losing streak and finish on a low note? Will Jane choose to stay and stand by him? Or is she going to be the first person on that London-bound plane? Will Billy realize he can’t live without her and stop her from leaving? Or will they end up parting ways? Can this romance survive? Should it survive? Or should Jane just go to England and shag a midfielder from Manchester United, instead? I know what I would do…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “FOR LOVE OF THE GAME”: If you love baseball, Kevin Costner, Kelly Preston, or just well-made movies that are powered by some good old-fashioned movie star charisma, regardless of the subject matter.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “FOR LOVE OF THE GAME”: If you loathe baseball so much that you aren’t willing to set your dislike aside to enjoy a well-made movie about it. If so… tsk, tsk. I’m not crazy about baseball, but I still enjoyed this flick. Then again, I would drink Kevin Costner’s bathwater. I suppose that helps…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Both our last review (THE VOW) and our current review (FOR LOVE OF THE GAME) attempt to tell tales of long-term love. Unlike many cinematic romances that deal with the first blush of attraction and the thrill of the chase ending in capture, these movies try to show the winding, roller-coaster path that awaits many relationships after the “happy ending”. THE VOW failed at this despite a compelling source and premise, because of an uncharacteristically weak central performance from Rachel MacAdams. Conversely, FOR LOVE OF THE GAME succeeds - mainly due to strong performances from leads Kevin Costner and Kelly Preston.

Pared down to its core, FOR LOVE OF THE GAME is about two things: (1) an athlete’s love for a game that is in his blood; and (2) the difficulty he has trying to make room in his life for the woman that he loves. In addition to FIELD OF DREAMS and BULL DURHAM (very good films both), this is Costner’s third baseball-themed movie. Just like Billy Chapel, baseball is in Costner’s blood. In fact, the images of Billy’s early “family life” playing Little League baseball are actual footage of Costner’s childhood and parents. Accordingly, Costner brings authenticity to this role of a legendary ball player who is in the twilight of his career - and must deal with that while also trying to win back his soulmate. Costner’s performance is one of his best. It’s also one of his more “unshowy” roles - which often have a tendency to overtake you when you least expect it. A prime example is a key scene at the end where Billy is alone in his hotel room - and has some painful realizations.

Kelly Preston matches Costner with her engaging turn as Jane Aubrey. Preston succeeds in this fairly “de-glammed” role of a single-mom journalist whose chance encounter with Billy results in a sudden immersion in to the world of professional baseball. There’s a certain “fairy tale” aspect to their relationship that echoes the romances in films like NOTTING HILL and THE PRINCE AND ME. Preston manages to make Jane a likable and believable “everywoman” in a way that someone like, say, Sharon Stone might have had some difficulty with. In other words, Preston is beautiful, but not distractingly so. While her chemistry with Costner is more of the “comfortable and familiar” rather than the “explosive and sizzling” variety (which keeps the rating at ***½ and not higher), it is still sufficient enough to power their romance to the end.

FOR LOVE OF THE GAME ends the way most sports movie do: at a climactic game where everything is at stake. Director Sam Raimi delivers a gripping finale that will make even non-baseball fans (like me) lean forward with interest. This is also because Billy Chapel is a character we can root for. The images of Billy on the mound, clearly conflicted, and Jane watching him on an airport television, tears in her eyes, make for some powerful visuals. As for the rest of the cast, Brian Cox and John C. Reilly turn in solid support as Billy’s baseball colleagues, while Jena Malone is immensely appealing as Jane’s precocious daughter Heather, who has an instant kinship with Billy.

In the end, FOR LOVE OF THE GAME is a solid Valentine to sports, and to the sometimes twisting path that love takes us on. Ultimately, it reminds us that while love is fundamentally about sacrifice, it also about forgiveness.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

# 432 - THE VOW (2012)

THE VOW (2012 - ROMANCE / DRAMA) **½ out of *****

(Can I have some of that amnesia so I can forget this movie?)

Amnesia Alert!

CAST: Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Sam Neill, Jessica Lange, Scott Speedman, Wendy Crewson.

DIRECTOR: Michael Sucsy

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to not lollygag at a stoplight - straight ahead…



IT’S LIKE THIS: Remember how in our review for THE GREY (review # 431) we talked about the gargantuanly studly accomplishments of two friends of mine? How one climbed Mt. McKinley, the Alaskan mountain that is the highest point in North America? And how another climbed Mt. Whitney, the Californian mountain that is the highest point in the Lower 48? Well, compared to the fucked-up shite the hero of our next review goes through, those two amazing hikes were just Sunday strolls along Waikiki Beach.

Our next review is THE VOW, and its hero is Leo (Channing Tatum). No, he doesn’t climb Mt. Everest or anything like that. That might actually be easier than the dilemma facing him: his wife Paige (Rachel McAdams) has had her memory of their last five years together erased after a truck brutally rear-ends their car because they’re so busy smooching and giving each other googley-eyes at a stoplight instead of, you know, paying any attention to the fucking stoplight changing. In a way, you can’t really blame the truck driver. All together now: GET… A… ROOM!

Anyhow, Paige sustains a grievous head injury and now doesn’t remember a goddamn thing of her and Leo ever meeting - let alone being married for five fucking years. I don’t have to tell you that’s gotta suck. Think of all that groundwork that Leo made just to get in Paige‘s pants, let alone getting her to say “I do“ - all down the toilet now because… well… because they wouldn’t just GET… A… ROOM! To make matters more complicated, Paige’s snobby rich parents (Sam Neill, Jessica Lange) swoop in to try re-assert their control over her - and basically shove Leo out of the picture. Then there’s Paige’s ex-fiancee Jeremy, whom she actually does remember - a fact that Jeremy The Prick uses to his advantage. It’s bad enough that Leo has to try to make Paige “fall” for him again - but he also has to put up with the Rich Parents From Hell and The Ex-Fiancee From The Planet Of The Assholes.

Like I said, climbing Mt. McKinley and Mt. Whitney are looking pretty easy in comparison…


THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Leo. In addition to her memory, Paige seems to have also lost all of her IQ points in the accident. Leo, dude, you may want to just get a new wife. Seriously.

Go, boy…


EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams are so “Ken-and-Barbie” perfect that it’s actually boring. So, I have to go with Sam Neill as Paige’s controlling Dad on this one. The man just gets better and better with age. No wonder they call him “The Thinking Person’s Hunk”.

Sexay!


MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: The “Stealth Wedding” in the art museum wherein Leo and Paige get married. Still not as awesome as a beach in Hawaii, though. I’m just saying…

Here comes the amnesiac bride…


MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Paige’s mom’s explanation about why she forgave her husband. Jessica Lange rocks this scene…

Go, girl…


HOTTEST SCENE: Channing Tatum shows his ass in this, but - just like the rest of the movie - it’s just so… blah. He’s cute - but he’s no Chris Evans or Russell Crowe. In fact, Sam Neill, fully clothed, beats Channing Tatum, butt-nekkid. Any day. So, basically, this award goes to any scene with Sam Neill in it…

Sexay…


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Paige ever remember what it is about Leo she fell in love with? Will Leo succeed in making her remember? Or are Paige’s memories of their life pretty much gone? Will he have to accept the unacceptable and just hold his head high and walk away? Or will he continue to fight for a chick who is, well, a bit of a waste of space - even before her head got scrambled by the accident? And what secrets are Paige’s parents keeping from Leo? And how will Jeremy affect the course of events? Will Leo finally do the right thing and shove his foot up Jeremy’s ass? That might actually make for a more exciting movie. Seriously.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE VOW”: If you are such a hopeless romantic that you can put up with some seriously weak execution. And if you are a serious Rachel McAdams/Channing Tatum fan. You would have to be to put up with this crap.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE VOW”: If you like your romantic dramas to actually ring true - and to capture what made the true stories they’re based on so remarkable. Because this movie drops the ball on that one. Majorly.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: We’ve talked about in past reviews how some trailers make a movie look much better than it is. These previews get you all hyped up and excited - only to let you down with a resounding thud when you finally see the entire movie. There are too many examples of this “Trailer/Movie” disparity. THE VOW is yet another one. Based on the true story of Kim and Krickitt Carpenter, and how a brutal car accident wiped out the latter’s memory of her life with the former, and the arduous task he faced of making her “fall in love with him“ all over again, THE VOW was brimming with promise. The trailers and premise were so effective that they rocketed the film to a North American debut of $41.2 million. And THE VOW seems primed to capture the #1 slot all over again this weekend. All that despite mostly lukewarm-to-middling reviews.

Clearly, THE VOW’s powerful potential is giving it some serious momentum at the box-office that’s blinding audiences to its flaws. The simple fact remains it doesn’t live up to that potential. Despite a compelling idea based on a remarkable real story, THE VOW is a surprisingly hollow and artificial experience. Needless to say, the ball is dropped here - big-time. And, sadly, it is largely due to its leading lady, writers, and director.

Rachel McAdams was very likable in WEDDING CRASHERS, RED EYE, THE NOTEBOOK, and THE FAMILY STONE. In THE VOW, she gives her first disappointing performance. The way she plays Paige simply feels false. You don’t buy for a single moment her predicament. McAdam’s performance just doesn’t have the nuance and depth that it should have. Instead, she inexplicably goes the cutesy and superficial route, showing the same facile qualities that used to irritate me about Meg Ryan’s performance in SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE. As a result, the character of Paige becomes less and less interesting as THE VOW goes on - until it becomes puzzling why Leo would go through so much trouble to win her back. Had McAdams been more dynamic and compelling, it would be a very different story. Unfortunately, she hinders the film in a very big way with her flat portrayal. We have to understand why Paige is so special that Leo would fight endlessly for her. McAdams doesn’t show us why.

It doesn’t help that the writers and director Michael Sucsy reduce Kim and Krickitt Carpenter’s amazing true story to a stale soap opera. Everything unfolds in such a dull and mechanical way that you might question whether you are watching the same movie the trailer advertised. Needless to say, quite a disappointment. What the Carpenters went through was so profound that it should’ve been transferred to the big screen with care and feeling. Instead, we get an extended episode of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.

The film’s saving grace, surprisingly, is Channing Tatum. I’ve never had much of an opinion of Tatum. I was not impressed by his body of work before this, having registered him as bland presence in his previous films, and when I heard he was cast in THE VOW opposite McAdams, I remember losing interest somewhat. I thought, at the very least, McAdams would balance him out and raise his game. Ironically, however, it is Tatum that makes up for McAdams’ misguided performance. Despite some mumbled line delivery that will make you turn to your friend for clarification, Tatum turns Leo into a sympathetic and quietly compelling character. He invests the role with some of the depth and passion that McAdams should have done with hers. In the end, though, Tatum can’t tow the line alone - because any romance has to be a partnership. Especially one that, according to Leo and Paige, is “once in a lifetime”.

The reason THE VOW rates a **½ (average rating) is not only because it is saved somewhat by Tatum’s “wild card” performance, but also because of a nice scene late in the movie where Paige’s mom gives her a speech about love and forgiveness. This scene feels like it belongs in a stronger, better, and more mature movie - and Jessica Lange nails each line with heartfelt intensity. Had the central love story between Leo and Paige been treated with the same passion, THE VOW would have certainly rated much higher.

In the end, Kim and Krickett Carpenter deserved a better film than this. If you’re going to call a romance a “once in a lifetime love”, you better make sure it truly is. As it is, Leo and Paige’s romance feels just as generic as a hundred other screen romances. And that is simply not good enough. Generic equals average - and that is, unfortunately, what THE VOW ends up being. Despite that great trailer…

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Welcome to Valentine’s 2012...

That's Amore!


I Love You.

In the history of written and spoken communication, has there ever been a more wonderful phrase? Whatever the language, no other three words have the capacity to transform, heal, change, fortify, or inspire. No other three words can be used to mean different things, like the way a prism changes color with the light. At the same time, though, no other three words can also mean the same thing - across the World. Like a sturdy oak that withstands the elements, whatever Continent it may grow in. That’s the dichotomy of love - it is both mercurial and singular.

No other three words can also encapsulate numerous other words within their folds: trust, compassion, fidelity, forgiveness, affection, loyalty, passion, friendship, devotion, tolerance, vulnerability, joy, humor, fulfillment, generosity, sacrifice - and much more. No other three words are like a seemingly-simple puzzle box with complex mysteries waiting within.

Someone once told me that the frequency with which one says “I Love You” is a good indicator of that person’s happiness. I like to think that’s true. This week alone, my father, my brother, my sister, my mother, two friends, my cats, and Mr. Wonderful have been on the receiving end of those words. And I meant it each time. With life as short and fleeting as it is, say it now before it’s too late.

The most powerful emotion explored by the movies is Love. Think about it: even genres like Horror, Thrillers, Actioners, and Mysteries often have romantic sub-plots. Why? Because audiences like to see characters going through what they are. And there is no more universal a language than Love. We may not be able to relate to an assassin trying to kill the heroine - but we can relate to her heartbreak at watching someone she loves be imperiled. Love is the language of film.

With that in mind, we begin our Valentine’s 2012 Celebration. Just like a prism changing with the light, we will explore Love in all its shapes and sizes - just like last year. From romantic love (THE VOW, I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY, VALENTINE’S DAY, THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY), to platonic love (GOOD DEEDS, CIAO, THE SECRET LIFE OF ARRIETTY, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES, FANDANGO), to familial love (A BETTER LIFE, MINE VAGANTI), to gay love (I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT, WEEEKEND), to idealistic love (PUNCTURE), to sporting love (FOR LOVE OF THE GAME, RUDO Y CURSI), and much more.

One thing is for certain: Whether Love makes the World go around is arguable - but one thing we can’t deny is that it is everywhere in the World…

With that in mind, welcome to our celebration of Love this year. It is more than just another four-letter word - it’s the only one that matters…

Please expect the reviews for THE VOW, I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY, FOR LOVE OF THE GAME, CIAO, and VALENTINE’S DAY to post by next weekend. We will be on travel, so please expect some delays...

Have a wonderful Valentine’s, folks….

Saturday, February 11, 2012

# 431 - THE GREY (2012)

THE GREY (2012 - THRILLER / ACTION) **** out of *****

(Maui and Capri, here I come!!! FUCK the Snow!!!)

You blinked first!

CAST: Liam Neeson, Dallas Roberts, Frank Grillo, Dermot Mulroney, Nonso Anozie, Joe Anderson, Ben Bray.

DIRECTOR: Joe Carnahan

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to stay in the Lower 48 - straight ahead…



IT’S LIKE THIS: I’ve always loved the outdoors - so much so that one of my nicknames growing up was “Indiana Jones”. I’ve hiked mountains and hills in Southeast Asia, Northeast Asia, Northern Europe, Southern Europe, the American Great Lakes, and the Pacific Northwest. But that’s still nothing compared to the admirable feat a friend of mine achieved: he actually hiked all the way up Mt. McKinley, the Alaskan mountain that is also the highest point in North America. And another friend climbed all the way up Mt. Whitney in California, which is the highest point in the Lower 48. Stud muffins, both of these guys. There was a time when I told myself I wouldn’t mind climbing either mountain, because it sounds like fun.

Then I saw Liam Neeson’s movie THE GREY. After that, I changed my tune. I was all like: “Fuck. That. Noise. I think I’ll stick to scuba diving for awhile. Sea-level is where it‘s at.”

You see, THE GREY is about what happens when a plane-load of petroleum company workers from the frozen ass-end of Alaska crashes into the, uh, Alaskan mountains. As you can imagine they have to deal with the usual inconveniences: (1) sub-zero temps; (2) cranky fellow survivors; (3) generally unpleasant wreckage conditions; and (4) a shortage of food. Oh, and how could I forget the most exciting bit: they are also smack dab in the middle of the roaming grounds of a bad-ass pack of feral (like there are any other kinds) wolves. Now, folks, I don’t know much about wolves, but according to this movie, if you trespass on their territory, they will relentlessly hunt you - not to eat you, but to kill you for trespassing. Damn. I had no idea wolves were so fucking sensitive about their space.

Anyhow, we’ve got seven survivors from the crash. Remember the tagline from THE HILL HAVE EYES? The one that goes: “The Lucky Ones Died First”? Well, that’s what our seven heroes are about to find out first-hand, because them wolves are mighty pissed, yo. Our fellas are: 1) Otway (Liam Neeson), “strong silent type” who is most likely to survive because, well, the actor that plays him is first-billed; (2) Hendrick (Dallas Roberts), sweet and sensitive hottie whom I was praying - PRAYING - would make it just so he could spread them genes onward; (3) Diaz (Frank Grillo), asshole ex-con who seems certain he will survive (ha ha - good one, dude); (4) Talget (Dermot Mulroney), laid-back hottie whom I was praying - PRAYING - would survive despite the actor playing him being fourth-billed (AKA Kiss Of Death); (5) Flannery (Joe Anderson), the kind of chatty jerk that I often shut down in three seconds flat whenever I sit by him on a plane - which is basically what Ottway does to him here (ha ha - go, Ottway); (6) Hernandez (Ben Bray), dude who’s got some sort of “Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name” thang with Diaz - or am I perv (don’t answer that); and (7) Burke (Nonso Anozie), dude who forgets the should-be-obvious rule that states “you never take a nap in the middle of a raging blizzard (hello?)”.

Seriously, though. This is not the movie you show someone to get them to visit Alaska. Nope. This is the movie you show your mother-in-law if you live in Alaska and she lives in the Lower 48 - and you don’t ever want see her on your doorstep. Trust me - you will never see her face again. Ever.


THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Ottway and Hendrik, all the way…

Go, boy…

Go, boy…


EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Again, Ottway and Hendrik. See same pics above…


MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The plane crash scene and the following sequence of the survivors trying to get their shit together. And the scene where Ottway and his buddies first encounter the “wolf pack” - and I don’t mean those dipshits from THE HANGOVER.

Well, this sucks…

Well, this sucks…

Well, this sucks…

Well, this sucks…


MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: They’re all intentionally exciting.


HOTTEST SCENE: Ottway squaring off against the Alpha Wolf. Let the beatdown begin…

Bring it on…


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Ottway, Hendrick, Diaz, Hernandez, Burke, Talget, and Flannery make it back to civilization in one piece? Or will the wolves get them first? Will a search party find them in time? Or is Ottway right when he says no one will look for them because no one will care if they are missing? What skills does Ottway have that will help them all survive? Or is it all a lost cause? And what’s up with those fucking wolves anyway? It’s not like the bastards have a deed to all that land that says it belongs to them and therefore they have the right to chomp the shit out of anyone who wanders by. Do they?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE GREY”: If you like brooding wilderness survival films that are surprisingly profound and unexpectedly moving - in addition to being grippingly suspenseful.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE GREY”: If you like your action/thrillers to be more focused on action and not as much on character. And if you don’t like a high degree of darkness (figuratively speaking) in your flicks - because this is one bleak movie…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Liam Neeson has had a career resurgence as of late, with the success of films like TAKEN and UNKNOWN. These movies portray Neeson as somewhat of a more polished, mature, and European version of Jason Bourne, running amok in European urban settings. With the arrival of his latest vehicle THE GREY, you’d be forgiven for thinking it is essentially TAKEN or UKNOWN, just set in the Alaskan wilderness. How wrong you’d be.

It’s only natural that the marketing for THE GREY would hew towards TAKEN and UNKNOWN’s blend of gritty action and kinetic spectacle. Those who fall for it (and that is majority of the audience) will either be severely disappointed - or receive a breathtaking surprise. Because THE GREY is no TAKEN or UKNOWN. It is much deeper than that. Those films were exciting action-thrillers and not much more. THE GREY, however, is a thriller with some action, but is more focused on the troubled psyche of its protagonists. It is also a somber meditation on the human spirit and its natural instinct for survival and, sometimes, surrender. Quite simply, it is a film of unexpected power.

Liam Neeson’s Ottway is an endlessly intriguing protagonist. Without giving away too much, his character arc is one that you don’t often find in an action/thriller hero. Then again, Ottway is not your typical hero. From the very first opening shot of him wandering alone through the petroleum plant at night, deep in thought, all the way to the very final shot of him taking charge of his destiny, Ottway bristles with intelligence, emotion, and fire. He’s one of Neeson’s best roles, and the remarkable thing is how Neeson “births” him with the fewest but most potent of strokes.

Of the supporting cast, Dallas Roberts is the strongest presence as the decent, kind, and perceptive Hendrick. Roberts looks eerily like Chris O’Dowd from BRIDESMAIDS, and it wasn’t until the end credits that we realized we were mistaken. In any case, Roberts takes ownership of the role and gives us a strong rooting interest in Hendrick’s survival with his very expressive face - which constantly projects a shifting, sympathetic watchfulness. Two of the most memorable images in the film are Roberts': (1) a close-up shot of Hendrick’s face as a single tear trickles down his face after the death of a friend; and (2) a terrifying jump off a clip with a tether that Hendrick courageously makes in an all-or-nothing attempt to save their lives. These shots are also glimpsed briefly in the trailer - and are made unforgettable by Roberts' quiet passion. I’m really looking forward to seeing the rest of his work.

Dermot Mulroney, Nonso Anozie, Ben Bray, Joe Flannery, and Frank Grillo are all vivid in their different roles - with Mulroney and Grillo being the standouts. Each of these men makes his character distinctive and nuanced enough to keep us engaged in their battle for survival - against the elements and the wolves themselves.

Speaking of the wolves, director Joe Carnahan makes them formidable adversaries in very much the same way the Great White Shark haunted the town in JAWS and the Predator terrorized the commandos in PREDATOR. The very first time Ottway’s group encounters the pack is a quietly terrifying scene - and so are the various sequences where the wolves’ presence is more heard than seen. We’ve talked about in past reviews how the unseen can be far more terrifying than what is actually seen. Carnahan makes effective use of that maxim here, hinting at the deadly presence of the wolves through chilling howls and wails - as well as their breaths seen as a phantom fog among the trees. These are vividly scary images that you’ll remember for quite some time.

Special mention should also go to Marc Streitenfeld’s haunting musical score, which is both classy and wrenching at the same time. It perfectly captures THE GREY’s blend of somber and spiritual - especially in the finale. Suffice it so say, this is one ending you haven’t seen before - nor one you’ll forget anytime soon.

In the end, THE GREY is a movie I would gladly recommend. Just be aware that it is not everyone’s cup of tea. For those who can stomach its intensity, it is an ultimately rewarding experience that shows us the different sides of the human spirit…

In closing, please listen to samples of Marc Streitenfeld's lovely, haunting, heart-breaking musical score for THE GREY...

# 430 - CELLULAR (2004)

CELLULAR (2004 - THRILLER) ***1/2 out of *****

(Chris, you already have my number… Meet me in Capri this October? No clothing necessary…)

My minutes are runnng out!

CAST: Chris Evans, Kim Basinger, Jason Statham, William H. Macy, Richard Burgi, Rick Hoffman, Jessica Biel.

DIRECTOR: David R. Ellis

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a couple of really durable cellular phones - straight ahead…



IT’S LIKE THIS: You gotta say this about the hero of our next review: he sure is having a fucked-up day. Good thing he looks a hell of a lot like Chris Evans, because that’s a lot of compensation for the shit he has to go through just to make it to 5 pm. His name is Ryan, and just like any other smoking-hot So-Cal twentysomething, he was planning to spend his day doing the following: (1) walking around Venice Beach with his shirt off (YAY!); (2) annoying the living shit out of ex-gal pal Chloe (Jessica Biel); and, uh, (3) walking around Venice Beach with his shirt off (DOUBLE YAY!!!). Trust me - a bod like that needs to be advertised as much as possible.

Anyhow, all of Ryan’s plans for flashing his hairy pecs and irritating Chloe go down the toilet when he answers his cell phone and it turns out to be a wrong number. Now, unlike most of us who get wrong numbers that are harmless (or lucky - like one of my Aunts who met her latest boyfriend that way - Are you fucking kidding me?), Ryan’s unexpected caller turns out to be Jessica Martin (Kim Basinger), a terrified chick who claims to have been kidnapped with her family being threatened elsewhere and she is calling from a smashed phone and was lucky connecting with any phone at all so could Ryan please please please please please please help them before the kidnapers murder them all?

Like I said: a fucked-up day. Should’ve just let it go to voicemail, Ryan.

Before you know it, Ryan is zipping all over L.A., doing the following: (1) trying to keep his call to Jessica alive; (2) trying to simultaneously alert the police; (3) trying to avoid the bad guy kidnapper Ethan (Jason Statham); and (4) looking ultra-hot doing it. At the end of the day, that red T-shirt was looking nice and sweaty. Hey, Chris, can you hook me up with the wardrobe manager from CELLULAR so I can claim that shirt for myself? And if it’s been washed, can you sweat in it for me again? Then I can add it to Russell Crowe’s loin-cloth from GLADIATOR in my collection. Grazie mille…


THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Obviously, this award goes to my boy Ryan - but also to Detective Mooney (William H. Macy), the soon-to-retire LAPD cop who gets pulled into the fray…

Go, boy…

Go, boy…

Go, guyz…


EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Come on, people. You already know who’s getting this award.

Sexay!

Sexay!

Sexay!

Don’t you just want to rub that belly until his leg starts kicking furiously?


MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Jessica first making contact with Ryan - then slowly getting him to believe her story.

Party Line!

Party Line!


MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Ryan tussling with a jackass high-powered attorney for the latter’s car (and cell phone). Ha ha…

Carjacking?


HOTTEST SCENE: Besides the whole “Shirtless on Venice Beach” sequence (see pics above), the scene where Ryan finally has to pull a gun on a whole cell phone store - just to get a fucking charger to keep his call from dying. Love a guy who takes charge. Especially if he looks like Chris Evans… Oh, and the scene where Ryan discovers one of our old sex tapes (I‘m blushing). Kidding. It’s a video revealing why the bad guys are threatening Jessica’s family. But I like the sex tape theory better. YEAH!

Partay!

Partay!


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Ryan be able to save Jessica and her family? Why are the baddies after them anyway? Will Ryan’s cellphone battery finally die? And with it, any hope of saving Jessica’s family? Or will Ryan find a way to keep the call alive? Will Detective Mooney be able to help? Or is he going to be another casualty? How will this all end? And the most important question of all: will Ryan be really pissed off when he discovers that his minutes have all been used up? YIKES!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “CELLULAR”: As with the previous ENTRAPMENT, if you like sleek, entertaining, and just a tad contrived thrillers with stunning and charismatic leads. And if you don’t mind turning your brain off for a couple of hours of decent thrills…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “CELLULAR”: As with the previous ENTRAPMENT, if you have a hard time suspending your disbelief. And if you don’t allow the sheer energy of a production and beauty of its stars to compensate for some contrived plotting.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for SPEED (review # 319), we talked about how a confidently-executed film with relatable characters can paper over any weaknesses and/or implausibilities of plot and story. SPEED became a classic not just because director Jan De Bont helmed the film with a bracing kinetic grace that kept audiences on the edge of their seats, but also because Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, Joe Morton, Dennis Hopper, Jeff Daniels, Alan Ruck, and the rest of the cast played characters that we could easily identify with. Because of this connection, we could feel the danger of their situation - resulting in a visceral action-thriller that has been much-imitated but seldom-equaled. The fact that SPEED started out as a DIE HARD-semi-clone but went on to carve its own niche in the minds and hearts of movie-goers is further proof of its strength.

Just as DIE HARD spawned numerous clones, SPEED has its own imitators. The best of them is CELLULAR. Whereas in SPEED the centerpiece of the story was a speeding city bus that was rigged to explode if it dropped below 50 mph, CELLULAR’s moving target is a human: Ryan, the carefree Southern California hunk who is forced to grow up and go on the run to save a stranger’s life when he gets a random call for help from her. Just like the bus in SPEED couldn’t slow down without exploding (and killing everyone on it), Ryan in CELLULAR can’t slow down for even a minute for fear of running out of time to help Jessica. A dying cell phone battery, the possibility of the call dropping, the imminent return of the baddies, inaccessible authority figures: these are all the factors that threaten both Ryan and Jessica's call.

As with SPEED, we start with characters are who sympathetic and make sense. Kim Basinger’s Jessica Martin is a schoolteacher and good wife/mother. We get a nice glimpse of her putting her son Ricky on the bus, before she returns home to get ready for work. Basinger does a good job of putting forth all of Jessica’s decency, resourcefulness, and vulnerability. And the woman can scream. Director David Ellis uses the sleepy suburban morning vibe to lull us into a sense of complacency - before smashing it with the sudden entrance of the bad guys. From that point on, the chase begins. Basinger gets a lot of mileage out of her role, considering she’s pretty much stuck in one room throughout most of the movie.

Conversely, Ryan’s introductory sequences on Venice Beach with his buddies and ex-girlfriend Chloe are energetic, sexy, and humorous - echoing the strengths of lead actor Chris Evans, who delivers a star-making performance here. Evans has always been something of a quirky, goofy character actor in a leading man’s body, and while he spends most of his time running or driving with a phone glued to his ear, he still manages to breathe some quirkiness into the role. It’s primarily because of Evans’ innate likability and magnetism that Ryan becomes a strong protagonist to root for. Both Ryan and Jessica’s intro scenes before they are thrown into the deep end are vital because it allows us to bond with them.

William H. Macy is another strong point as the about-to-retire Sgt Mooney, who crosses paths with Ryan, then separates from him again - but can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening. As with Evans, Macy imbues the role with a certain goofy charm which aids considerably in putting us in his corner. Indeed, one of the pleasures of CELLULAR is watching the quirky Mooney (he’s retiring to open a spa) slowly piece things together and risk his life to help Ryan save Jessica’s family.

Jason Statham and Richard Burgi are fine as, respectively: (1) Ethan, the near-silent baddie who kidnaps Jessica; and (2) Craig, Jessica’s husband whose business activities inadvertently endanger them all. Jessica Biel has a nice small role as Chloe, Ryan’s exasperated ex-girlfriend whom he tries to win back. Then there’s Rick Hoffman who has a hilarious bit part as an obnoxious lawyer whose Porsche and cellphone end up becoming important plot points.

There are those who argue that CELLULAR should’ve taken a more streamlined and less extravagant route. That is, that the whole thing should’ve been told from Ryan’s viewpoint, with us never meeting or seeing Jessica until the end - and only hearing her terrified voice on the phone, and with Mooney not helping Ryan. Basically Ryan would’ve been on his own. This would’ve been a much more Hitchcockian approach, and created a far more eerie, disturbing, and suspenseful atmosphere.

However, I also have to say that I like the more kinetic way in which CELLULAR was executed. True, it’s more action-oriented than suspense-oriented, but I think the intent was to create a version of SPEED with a young man on the run, instead of a bus. In that regard, CELLULAR succeeded. It’s a solidly entertaining ride that is anchored by Chris Evans, Kim Basinger, and William H. Macy, and it can stand proudly next to SPEED as an example of a movie that “never lets up”.