(Bitches, don‘t hate her because she‘s beautiful… It‘s not her fault she doesn‘t need the Oil of Olay or the Stairmaster…)
CAST: Monica Belluci, Giuseppe Sulfaro, Luciano Federico, Matilde Piana, Gaetano Aronica.
DIRECTOR: Guiseppe Tornatore
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one smoking’ hot Italian chick firing up all sorts of boners straight ahead…
I wish I could tell you the MALENA, our next Cinema Italiano Flick review, was a complex movie. But I’d be lying through my teeth if I did - and if there’s one thing I am, it’s terminally honest to the point of stupidity. In short, MALENA is not that hard to figure out: it’s about three things: (1) a smokin’ hot Sicilian chick named Malena (Monica Belluci) who lives in a small town in WWII, (2) the men of her town who understandably lust after her like a bunch of pitbulls in heat; and (3) the women of her town who are inexplicably just itching to bring her down a peg or two.
I say “inexplicably” because it’s not like Malena is prancing around the town wearing a Playboy Bunny outfit with a cape that reads “Queen Cocktease” on it. She’s actually pretty low-key and minds her own business and barely talks to anyone, which the menfolk interpret as “sultry” and “mysterious” or “enigmatic” or “she fuckin’ wants me but is hiding it”. Amazing the labels one picks up when one is just trying to keep to one’s self. But that’s people, for ya. And Malena is experiencing just how small they can sometimes be.
Apparently, the fact that her husband is off fighting the Nazis isn’t enough for the townspeople to cut her some slack and refrain from twisting fact into vicious falsehood - that is, when they’re not outright inventing vile fiction about her. And - let’s face it - it’s just because Malena looks like Monica Belluci. Do you think these people would give a fuck about her business if she looked like Marge Simpson? Don’t kid yourself.
Anyway, the only person in the town who sympathizes with Malena is Renato (Giuseppe Sulfaro), a local teen who is much more of a gentleman than his sleazy buddies. And when I say he’s a gentleman, I mean that he actually bothers to cover up his boner whenever Malena walks by - unlike his pals who let their bulges hang out like she might actually be impressed by them. Ha ha. Right. Basically, the only point in Renato’s favor is that he actually, you know, sees her as more than a sturdy rack and stupendous ass.
I wish I could also tell you that a lot happens in this movie, but that would be a goddamn lie, too. If you’re looking for byzantine plotlines and head-spinning twists, man, are you ever barking up the wrong cinematic tree. Basically, only the three following things happen - over and over again: (1) Malena walks around looking morose and sad, missing her husband, (2) The men - specifically, Renato and his pals - all drool all over her and point at her with their manly compasses (e.g., erect penises); and (3) the women gnash their teeth, just begging to have five minutes alone with her so they can feed her repeated servings of “Battere Calzone”, AKA Fist Sandwich.
Meanwhile, Renato continues to spy on Malena and discover that she’s not the sexpot the men wish her to be, or the home-wrecking whore the women are convinced she is. Nope, she’s just a lonely gal who wishes her husband would come home from the war and protect her from all these mean, gossipy people. Don’t worry - this discovery of Malena’s humanity doesn’t water down Renato’s boner for her one bit. If anything, it’s even more raging.
Will Renato be able to convince the townspeople of Malena’s true nature? Or will they just continue hating her anyway? Will Renato even muster up the courage to go up and talk to her? What happens when one of the women accuses Malena of having an affair with her husband? Will Malena face the wrath of the town? Can Renato save her? How will his crush on her change him? Or will her husband come back from the war and rescue his bride? Is Monica Belluci actually a mortal woman - or a goddess?
I’m gonna go with goddess. Have you seen those tits?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Compared to the rest of celebrated Italian director Giuseppe Tornatore’s oeuvre, MALENA is fairly weak. Sorry to be direct about it, but there it is. Tornatore has given us many cinematic jewels ranging from the unforgettable CINEMA PARADISO, to the lovely STANO TUTTI BENE (which was remade with Robert DeNiro as EVERYBODY’S FINE), all the way to last year’s memorable historical epic BAARIA. By contrast, MALENA seems hopelessly lightweight.
MALENA works better as an allegorical fable of innocence preyed on by evil. Taken as a cautionary tale on how truth can be distorted into vile rumors - and ultimately passed on as fact to the detriment of the subjects - this story gains heft. In this day and age of gossip on both the celebrity and commoner front, the trials of Malena - whose only crimes are that she is beautiful and chooses to distance herself from the townspeople - have a familiar ring. Frustrated by their lack of understanding of Malena, the townspeople invent their own labels to be able to put her in a niche. And the niche they choose is not a nice - or fair - one.
Taken as a story, MALENA’s weaknesses begin to emerge. There’s only so many scenes of Renato following Malena around that we can take before the film starts to feel tedious and redundant. Fortunately, there’s all that lovely Italian scenery to compensate, as well as the equally gorgeous Monica Belluci, who is one of the few former models who can actually act. Belluci’s other-worldly beauty is backed up by some solid talent that has found a more expansive outlet in other movies. Here, she is called upon to do nothing more than be mournful, distant, and mysterious - but she does it smashingly. And Belluci’s aforementioned talent allows her to project hidden emotion through the composed, sad surface. Watch for the final scene after Renato helps Malena pick up the oranges she dropped, and note how Belluci allows Malena to react just briefly to that kindness using a minimum of expression - but with maximum impact. That’s acting.
As Renato, Giuseppe Sulfaro is good and solid. In the end, however, this movie belongs to its title character, and the unbelievably beautiful (and talented) actress who plays her. On a final note, Monica Belluci was one of the final contenders for the role of Paris Carver in TOMORROW NEVER DIES which Teri Hatcher got. No disrespect to Hatcher who was fine in the role, but I would’ve loved to have seen Monica Belluci as a Bond Girl.
What a missed opportunity…
