MOVIE RATING SCALE:

***** (Spectacular) 10

****1/2 (Excellent) 9

**** (Very Good) 8

***1/2 (Good) 7

*** (Above Average) 6

**1/2 (Average) 5

** (Below Average) 4

*1/2 (Mediocre) 3

* (Awful) 2

1/2 (Abysmal) 1

0 (Worthless) 0


Saturday, June 18, 2011

# 365 - ORDINARY PEOPLE (1980)

ORDINARY PEOPLE (1980 - DRAMA)

(So much for the image of The Perfect Family…)

Pictures that paint a thousand words?

CAST: Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore, Timothy Hutton, Judd Hirsch, Elizabeth McGovern, M. Emmett Walsh, Dinah Manoff.

DIRECTOR: Robert Redford

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one family seriously imploding straight ahead…






FAVORITE OF: Mine

IN A NUTSHELL: Calvin and Beth Jarrett (Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore) and their son teenage son Conrad (Timothy Hutton) are affluent Chicago WASPs. They seem like the perfect family. Under that flawless façade, however, their family is slowly falling apart. The reasons: (1) the accidental drowning of their beloved oldest son Buck (Scott Doebler) while sailing one day with Conrad; and (2) Conrad’s suicide attempt afterwards because of feeling guilty for having survived the incident. After Conrad is released from the hospital, he tries to put his life back together with the help of Calvin. Beth, however, deals with the whole thing through denial and emotional distance. Will Conrad get back on his feet? Or will he relapse and end up in the hospital again? How far will Calvin go to save his son? What’s up with Beth, anyway? Did part of her die when Buck died? Find out for yourselves. Just make sure to bring a Kleenex.

WHY I LOVE IT: Not too long ago, a friend asked me what my favorite film of all time is. “Your favorite of all your favorites,” he said. “What is it?” I think he expected me to say something like GLADIATOR (which is indeed up there but not #1), REAR WINDOW (which is #3), or either ROLE MODELS or THE HANGOVER (which are new members of the Top 10).

However, when I replied that ORDINARY PEOPLE was my #1 favorite movie of all time, all he could do was stare at me for a few moments. Then he incredulously asked “You mean that movie Robert Redford directed back in the early 80’s about that family who lost their oldest son and now the younger son is falling apart?” When I said yes, he stared at me for a few seconds more, and when he realized I was serious, he said “Wow. You’re complex.”

Not really. I just have varied and multiple interests that I choose not to share or talk about with just anybody. I can keep an interest or hobby to myself for so long that when I finally talk about, it seems new - but it most definitely isn't. Such is the case with soccer, this blog, and ORDINARY PEOPLE.

I’ve always loved ORDINARY PEOPLE, ever since I saw it as a kid. The natural assumption would be it’s because I lived through something similar and therefore sympathized with the Jarrett family. Well, that’s not an accurate one, because while my family was not exactly the Brady Bunch, we were actually overall quite happy. And, yes, I did lose an older brother but it wasn’t similar to the way the Jarretts lost Buck in the movie. Not even close.

The reason I love ORDINARY PEOPLE is because it is written, directed, and acted in such a way that anyone can empathize with what the Jarrett family is going through. One of the reviews of ORDINARY PEOPLE from when it first came out in 1980 said: “Some movies you watch, others you feel.” I can’t think of a more appropriate description. Just as I mentioned in my review of GLADIATOR, we go to movies to experience emotion - whether to be excited, sad, scared, or happy. And some films are more effective at making us feel than others. GLADIATOR and ORDINARY PEOPLE are two examples.

What I love the most about ORDINARY PEOPLE is how subtle and quiet it is. There are no explosions, no chase scenes, no mystery to solve, no sexual encounters, no flashy montage sequences. Don’t get me wrong - all those things are fine, but they have no place in this movie. Ironically, though, while Calvin, Beth, and Conrad may not be in any physical danger (excepting the potential for Conrad to try to kill himself again), they are most definitely in emotional danger. Their family unit is at stake, as if Buck was the string that held them together, and now that he’s gone they are all unraveling.

The actors are all stellar and have numerous scenes and moments where they shine either individually or together. Donald Sutherland perfectly captures Calvin’s sunny disposition and open heart. The scenes where he fearlessly and determinedly reaches out to Conrad to keep him from relapsing are played with such subtle power. Clearly, Calvin is someone who loves with all his heart, and you see the strength of his devotion to his son with every word and gesture. Sutherland is absolutely terrific. Especially in the garage scene where he talks to Beth about Buck's funeral (second video above).

Regarding Conrad, Timothy Hutton won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor that year - and deservedly so. He turns Conrad into a compelling blend of shy intelligence, child-like petulance, and unexpected courage and maturity. It’s a terrific role, and Hutton dives into it with conviction and passion. He more than holds his own against his more experienced castmates - and even steals some scenes from them. Watching Conrad wrestle not only with his own feelings of guilt for having survived while his adored older brother Buck didn’t, but also with his fear that he may not be able to put his life back together, is sometimes difficult. But the great thing about the character of Conrad is his hidden resilience, which comes to the fore during the course of the film - with the help of a tough-talking but kind-hearted shrink (Judd Hirsch).

Mary Tyler Moore’s performance as Beth Jarrett is riveting and bravura, but the character herself has gotten quite the bum rap from some critics and audiences. They paint her as the “Mother From Hell.” The truth of the matter is Beth is a good mother. It’s just that her way of dealing with pain and emotional crisis is to freeze up and lock away her feelings - a completely understandable reaction. The problem is Conrad needs her to actively be there for him as his mother during this difficult time. If Beth were more brave, she would cast aside her own feelings and reach out to her son. The problem is, as Calvin himself says, she is too much like Conrad. They are both very private and hide their true feelings of love for one another - and are each afraid to make the first move. The result is the misconception that they hate each other. Moore does a flawless job of playing all of this woman's layers.

Indeed, one of my favorite scenes not just from this movie, but any movie, period, is the one in the backyard where Beth sees Conrad sitting alone, lost in thought, and she finally musters up the courage to make that first move. She tentatively approaches him and starts to almost bridge the gap between them. Unfortunately, Conrad brings up the subject of Buck, and Beth emotionally closes down - reminded of their tragic loss - and she recoils behind her wall again. In the end, Beth’s refusal to deal with the death of her older son is what keeps her from dealing with her surviving one. And it is heartbreaking to watch: two people are who are so alike - but are both afraid to meet the other half-way or even more.

To me, ORDINARY PEOPLE is a perfect movie - and director Robert Redford deserves major kudos for taking Judith Guest‘s wonderful novel and turning it into an even more terrific film. I could go on and on and tell you why it’s my #1 favorite film of all time. But, just as that review I cited mentioned, some movies you have to feel. And, sometimes with feelings, words just get in the way. It’s better if you feel ORDINARY PEOPLE for yourselves. Because it is anything but ordinary…

# 364 - THE EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978)

THE EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978 - THRILLER / MYSTERY / ROMANCE)

(I‘ve been a photographer my whole life, and I‘ve never once seen the shit that this chick sees through her lens. What the hell is she smoking? Pass that shit around…)

Let me guess what you had for breaksfast - egg whites?

CAST: Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Raul Julia, Renee Auberjonois, Lisa Taylor, Darlanne Fluegel.

DIRECTOR: Irvin Kershner

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a photographer with unwelcome psychic powers - straight ahead…








FAVORITE OF: Friend.

IN A NUTSHELL: Glamorous New York City fashion photographer Laura Mars (Faye Dunaway) is not your average fashion clicker. To wit, she: (1) specializes in photos with an undercurrent of erotic violence to them, (2) but is as old-fashioned and sweet as Grandma Moses, and the most interesting of all: (3) she’s psychic. Yes, folks. Our shutterbug Laura has a psychic link to a killer. Meaning she can see through his eyes whenever he attacks someone - and her pictures might actually have been inspired by him subliminally. Then the people around her - her friends, her associates, her acquaintances - start getting killed by this mysterious person - and Laura sees each murder through his eyes. Enter NYC detective John Neville to unravel the mystery. Before you know it, he and Laura are involved - as the killer draws nearer and nearer to her. Who the fuck is this guy? A fan? Someone who thinks her work glorifies violence? Someone else? And why is he psychically connected to Laura? Why? Why? WHY!?!?

WHY SHE LOVES IT: Because she likes psychological thrillers mixed with glamour and romance, and THE EYES OF LAURA MARS is a perfect example of that genre. I have to say that I’m inclined to agree. The late 70’s NYC fashion scene is perfectly realized here, and the photoshoots, fashion shows, and parties all have a glossy look to them that is in perfect step with the elegant tone of this movie. Being a photographer myself, I could easily relate to Laura’s character, even when what she sees through the camera starts veering into another level of sight entirely: second sight - or the ability to see things that other people miss.

This angle is played with much suspense, and the romantic subplot between Laura and John is equally well-done. Unlike a lot of thrillers that seem to include a romance between a cop and a vulnerable heroine that feels tacked-on, this relationship is organic and vital to THE EYES OF LAURA MARS. To say anything more would be to spoil the twist at the end. In a lot of ways, THE EYES OF LAURA MARS is like an American-style “Giallo.”

In Italy, there is a sub-genre of thrillers called “Giallo” - or “Yellow” because of the color of the books these stories were based on - which are colorful, arty, sleek, scary, and often surreal. This film takes those elements and presents them in a more streamlined American package - and delivers a visceral thriller that is exciting, eerie, poignant, and - ultimately - devastatingly heartbreaking. Trust me - that ending will haunt you. THE EYES OF LAURA MARS is a great recommendation.

# 363 - ROLE MODELS (2008)

ROLE MODELS (2008 - COMEDY)

(AKA Sarcasto and Clark Kent‘s Excellent Adventure)

Who let the dogs out?

Who let the dogs out?

Who let the pups out?



CAST: Paul Rudd, Seann William Scott, Elizabeth Banks, Christopher Mintz-Plaase, Bobbe J. Thompson.

DIRECTOR: David Wain

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and two thoroughly underrated mentors straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Mine (Of course)

IN A NUTSHELL: Sarcastic jerk Danny (Paul Rudd) and fun-loving playboy Wheeler (Seann William Scott) both work for an Energy Drink company. When one of their goofy shenanigans leads to a fight with a tow-truck-driver, then a car accident, they are sentenced to community service by acting as (oh, dear God, why?) Big Brothers to a couple of troubled kids. Danny’s “little brother” is Augie (Christopher Mintz-Plaase), a geeky dork who loves Medieval role-playing. Wheeler’s “little brother” is Ronnie (Bobbe Thompson), a hellion who is basically a pint-sized Eddie Murphy - only somehow more foul-mouthed (if you can imagine that). Will Danny and Wheeler prove that they are worthy mentors and transform Augie and Ronnie? Or are the kids pretty much going to walk all over them? Who’s in charge of who? Will Danny and Wheeler teach Augie and Ronnie how to deal? Or is their community service pretty much fucked?

WHY I LOVE IT: For starters, it‘s got Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott, two of the hottest guys in the Universe, who are also two of the funniest guys in the Universe (ladies and gents, if you can find a guy with great cheekbones AND a great sense of humor, dude‘s a keeper). For the main course, it‘s got brilliantly sardonic and edgy humor. And for desserts, it’s got a great supporting cast led by the gorgeous Elizabeth Banks, the hilarious Jane Lynch, and the adorable Christopher Mintz-Plaase and Bobbe Thompson. One of my favorite comedies of all time. The framed movie poster hangs in my bedroom. That’s how much I love it. But don’t take my word for it. See the trailer - then see the movie…

# 362 - HEAVEN CAN WAIT (1978)

HEAVEN CAN WAIT (1978 - COMEDY)

(Talk about ending up going to the Great Football Field In The Sky…)

These wings just don‘t mesh with this outfit…

CAST: Warren Beatty, Julie Christie, James Mason, Buck Henry, Charles Grodin, Dyan Cannon.

DIRECTOR: Warren Beatty, Buck Henry.

WARNING: Some SPOILER and one misplaced athletic soul straight ahead.




FAVORITE OF: Family

IN A NUTSHELL: Joe Pendleton (Warren Beatty) is the quarterback for the Los Angeles Rams. All he wants is to play in one more SuperBowl. Unfortunately, Big Daddy G. upstairs (AKA God played by James Mason) decides Joe’s time on earth is up and has him get into an accident. Unfortunately, it turns out even Big Daddy G. makes mistakes: it appears Joe had another 50 years to live. Ooops. Because his original body was cremated, they have to put Joe’s soul in someone else’s body. In this case, a recently-murdered billionaire who was apparently destroying the Earth with his industrial activities. Suddenly, Joe finds himself the target of angry ecologists, a murderous wife (Dyan Cannon), and a hot British scientist (Julie Christie). Oh, and he also wants to play football again, so he buys the Los Angeles Rams with his new money. Still with me? Good. Because I got lost five sentences ago. Now we’re both lost.

WHY SHE LOVES IT: Two words: Warren. Beatty. Me, I can take him or leave him. But for me, it’s Julie Christie who makes this movie. Now that’s someone unforgettable. The film itself is a cute, clever remake of HERE COMES MR. JORDAN, and has a surprisingly haunting sweetness to it. Definitely a keeper. Drives home the message to live life to the fullest right now. Laugh now. Love now. Live now.

Friday, June 17, 2011

# 361 - BEFORE SUNRISE (1995)

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995 - DRAMA / ROMANCE)

(Talk about “the one who got away“…)

Here we go again…

CAST: Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy

DIRECTOR: Richard Linklater

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and yet another awesome allnighter - straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Mine

IN A NUTSHELL: Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy), our two fleeting lovebirds from nine years ago in Vienna in BEFORE SUNRISE, meet again in Paris as 30-year olds - and pick up their passionate gab-a-thon where they left off. They have exactly an hour or so until Jesse has to fly back to the States. Will they determine in time if they are soulmates in that short time - and stay together? Or will Jesse get on that flight and miss out on “the one who got away” yet again? Will Celine let him leave just like that? Or will they finally get their happy ending? And I don’t mean a really awesome massage.

WHY I LOVE IT: Like BEFORE SUNRISE, this film is mature, elegant, and poignant - even more so because our leads look back on the decisions they made when they were young which eventually kept them apart. Hindsight’s always twenty-twenty, as they say, and the seemingly innocuous choices Jesse and Celine made had ripple effects which eventually sent them on different paths in life. Now, they’ve reconnected in Paris - and are given a shot at making things right? But will they? The answer to this question is why I love this film…

Thursday, June 16, 2011

# 360 - BEFORE SUNRISE (1995)

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995 - DRAMA / ROMANCE)

(Talk about “the one who got away“…)

The One Night Stand to end all One Night Stands…

CAST: Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy

DIRECTOR: Richard Linklater

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one awesome allnighter - straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Mine

IN A NUTSHELL: Jesse (Ethan Hawke) is an American tourist in Europe. On a train, he meets Celine (Julie Delpy), a French girl. After a few moments of conversation, they realize they like each other - and impulsively get off the train in Vienna where they proceed to walk around all night talking. And talking. And talking. And talking. About anything and everything. And, in the middle of all that talking, they fall in love… But what happens at dawn, when they have to part? Will they see each other again? Or just think of each other often? Do they have a future beyond this one night?

WHY I LOVE IT: Because the story has the authentic feel of that kind of relationship where you meet someone awesome in some place halfway around the world - and click instantly. You know you only have a few hours, or days, or a week or two together - and so you make it count. That’s essentially what happens with Jesse and Celine, who know they only have until sunrise. Lovely, lovely film - and Hawke and Delpy are perfect as the star-crossed pair. A breath of fresh air in comparison to a lot of hokey, pre-fab romantic comedies out there….

# 359 - JOYEUX NOEL (2005)

JOYEUX NOEL (2005 - DRAMA / QUASI-SOCCER FLICK)

(Gives new meaning to the term “international football“…)

Who let the dogs out?

CAST: Diane Kruger, Benno Furman, Guillaume Canet, Daniel Bruhl.

DIRECTOR: Christian Carrion

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one truly magical soccer game between enemies-turn-friends - straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Mine

IN A NUTSHELL: Based on a true story, JOYEUX NOEL means “Merry Christmas” in French, and revolves around a group of German, French, and Scottish soldiers during WWI who declare a temporary truce/cease fire on Christmas Eve. The men bond over pictures of family and a touching game of soccer played in a snowy field. Meanwhile, the fiancee (Diane Kruger) of one of the soldiers tries to reach his side. Can these friendships survive after the truce ends? Will any of these men live to talk about this magical night? Let’s hope so.

WHY I LOVE IT: Because JOYEUX NOEL is a deep and profound reminder of our common humanity - even in times of war. Just like our recent review of CUP FINAL, in which two men who share a love of football and were born to be friends are separated by war and politics, JOYEUX NOEL explores how soldiers on different sides are essentially the same when stripped of their military obligations. In the end, these guys just want to enjoy a nice soccer game on a quiet Christmas Eve - and each other’s company. This movie is a winner, just like CUP FINAL. If it doesn’t move you - even a little - you may have lost your humanity…

# 358 - FAILURE TO LAUNCH (2006)

FAILURE TO LAUNCH (2006 - COMEDY)

(And, what may I ask, is so wrong with living with your parents? Kids do it all the time…)

Sweetie, just get an eviction notice….

CAST: Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bradley Cooper, Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw, Justin Bartha, Zooey Deschanel.

DIRECTOR: Tom Dey

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one truly misunderstood hero - straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Friend

IN A NUTSHELL: Tripp (Matthew McConaughey) is a hot dude in his 30’s who lives in a great house. Too bad it’s owned by his parents (Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw), who also still live in it. You can see how this might be problematic for any chick who’s interested in Tripp. It’s also problematic for Tripp’s parents, who are eager to get him out and into his own place. So they hire Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker) to lure Tripp out of the nest. Good luck with that, Paula. Personally, I think you have a greater chance of persuading a grizzly bear to sit, stay, and heel.

WHY HE LOVES IT: Because having someone to make your bed, wash your laundry, cook your dinner, and not charge you rent or labor - is fucking awesome. Enough said.

# 357 - GREAT EXPECTATIONS (1998)

GREAT EXPECTATIONS (1998 - DRAMA / LITERARY ADAPTATION)

(Wow, Pip, she must really give good head for you to chase her like that…)

Estella, you‘re such a fucking cocktease….

CAST: Gwyneth Paltrow, Ethan Hawke, Anne Bancroft, Hank Azaria, Robert DeNiro.

DIRECTOR: Alfonso Cuaron

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and rather glitzy modernization of a creaky old classic - straight ahead…




FAVORITE OF: Fan

IN A NUTSHELL: In this glossily modern take on Charles Dickens’ ancient classic, we follow crazy rich old bat Mrs. Havisham (Anne Bancroft) as she coaches her pretty ward Estella (Gwyneth Paltrow) to grow into a heartless cocktease who is constantly yanking (figuratively then, later, literally) the dick of humble poor boy Pip (Ethan Hawke). Fortunately, Pip has a mysterious benefactor who reaches out from the shadows to help him realize his dream of becoming a celebrated artist in NYC. Then Pip runs into Estella again, and the cockteasing begins anew. Pip, dude, seriously… there are plenty of other vaginas in the sea. Just because that one is attached to a chick who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t mean it’s not replaceable.

WHY SHE LOVES IT: Because she liked the original novel, and thinks this modern riff on it is “fresh” and “romantic”. Well, it’s also uneven and sometimes tedious, and kind of left me unsatisfied. Were it not for the lovely sequence where Pip boldly escorts Estella away from dinner with her fiancee and friends in a restaurant - and out into the rain where they kiss - this movie would’ve been unremarkable. This scene is awesome and feels like it belongs in another movie entirely. If the rest of the movie was as strong as this scene, we might be dealing with semi-classic here. Patrick Doyle’s vibrant, evocative score is another strong point. Sorry, sweetie. Could’ve been better. Great trailer, though….

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

# 356 - I LOVE YOU, MAN (2009)

I LOVE YOU, MAN (2009 - COMEDY)

(The Ultimate Bromance…)

Awww….  Just kiss him already…

CAST: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Rashida Jones, Sarah Burns, Jaime Pressley.

DIRECTOR: John Hamburg




FAVORITE OF: Fan

IN A NUTSHELL: Succesful real estate agent Paul Klaven (Paul Rudd) has just gotten engaged to his gal Zooey (Rashida Jones). The problem is his friends are all of her girlfriends. Meaning he has no guy friends. Meaning that he’s going to have to have some extremely distant relative be his best man at the wedding. Unless he can find some dude to be his best buddy. Fast. Enter wild and crazy Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), who is Paul’s polar opposite. Will these two attract and become friends? Or is this a mismatch from hell? Or a mismatch that’s actually a perfect match? Whatever. See the movie.

WHY SHE LOVES THIS MOVIE: Because it is “sweet” and “funny” and shows guys being “vulnerable” and “real.” Yes, sweetie. I saw that movie already. It wasn’t I LOVE YOU, MAN. It was BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Cripes, what a fucking depressing movie that was. Anyway, I LOVE YOU, MAN is indeed cute, and Paul Rudd and Jason Segel make a believable pair of pals. It’s like KISS ME, GUIDO - except there’s no gay dude and no Guido. In other words, it’s not as good. But it’s okay enough.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

REVIEW UPDATE: Our last ten reviews...

Hiya, folks...

We're just a little behind schedule. Mainly to do with my over-socializing and not writing. But, hey, it's the ride that matters, not so much the destination. Please expect our last ten reviews to post tomorrow evening. Then we have hit the end of our current run.

Our last ten reviews:

# 356 - I LOVE YOU, MAN

# 357 - GREAT EXPECTATIONS

# 358 - FAILURE TO LAUNCH

# 359 - JOYEUX NOEL

# 360 - BEFORE SUNRISE

# 361 - BEFORE SUNSET

# 362 - HEAVEN CAN WAIT

# 363 - ROLE MODELS

# 364 - THE EYES OF LAURA MARS

# 365 - ORDINARY PEOPLE


But remember: The End Is Just The Beginning... Our next adventure, Countdown to World Cup 2014 (with movie, music, photos, and dive travel), will start very soon... Cannot. Wait.

Night, folks...

# 355 - IRON MAN (2008)

IRON MAN (2008 - ACTION / SUPERHERO)

(My dream guy: a man who always has a hard-on…)

How do you handle rust, Tony?

CAST: Robert Downey Jr., Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow, Leslie Bibb.

DIRECTOR: Jon Favreau




FAVORITE OF: Fan

IN A NUTSHELL: Billionaire industrialist/playboy Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) gets taken hostage by a bunch of Afghani terrorists (or something) and has to build what looks like a knight-in-rusty-armor-with-serious-firepower outfit to escape. When he gets back to civilization AKA The United States, he decides to change his life by no longer making weapons of mass destruction - and turning into… Iron Man. Aided by Air Force pal Rhodey and loyal assistant/friend Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), Tony sets out to save the world with his new and improved costume. Unfortunately, baddie Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) has got other plans. Will Tony and his posse triumph? Or will Obadiah best them? And the most important question of all: what the fuck kind of name is "Pepper Potts"? Why not just call her Christmas Jones while they’re at it?

WHY HE LOVES THIS MOVIE: He didn’t really say. I can only assume it’s because it’s a fun, well-made, exciting superhero movie that doesn’t insult your intelligence. At least that’s what I thought. And the cast is awesome, especially Robert Downey Jr., who proves that bad boys sometimes finish first.

# 354 - NOTTING HILL (1999)

NOTTING HILL (1999 - ROMANTIC COMEDY)

(Suspend Thy Disbelief, All Thou Who Enter Here…)

Yeah, right…

CAST: Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, Rhys Ifans, Alec Baldwin, James Dreyfus.

DIRECTOR: Roger Mitchell




FAVORITE OF: Mine

IN A NUTSHELL: Mousy London travel bookshop owner William Thacker (Hugh Grant) lives a humdrum existence - until the day he smashes into a pedestrian on the streets of Notting Hill. And it turns out to be Julia Roberts. Or, rather, a mega-actress named Anna Scott who likes uncannily like Julia Roberts. Before you know it, we’re on a whirlwind romance as William finds himself incredulously embarking on the S.S. Relationship with Anna. But can an average guy have a real thing with a woman who is the Queen of Hollywood? Can this affair survive? Or is it doomed for the tabloids? William might as well go for Princess Kate while he’s at it.

WHY I LOVE THIS MOVIE: Four words: Julia. Roberts. Hugh. Grant. Without these two in NOTTING HILL, I’d seriously be blowing major chunks. And I don’t mean going down on fat guys. I mean vomiting large amounts. Thank you very much.

# 353 - COMA (1978)

COMA (1978 - MYSTERY / THRILLER)

(I‘d rather die than be admitted into that fucking hospital…)

What. The. Fuck…

CAST: Genevieve Bujold, Michael Douglas, Richard Widmark, Elizabeth Ashley, Lois Chiles, Tom Selleck. Rip Torn.

DIRECTOR: Michael Crichton (yes, that Michael Crichton)




FAVORITE OF: Fan

IN A NUTSHELL: Based on Robin Cook’s bestselling novel, COMA follows hotshot resident Dr. Susan Wheeler (Genevieve Bujold) as she grows increasingly suspicious of the increasing number of coma cases in her hospital. When her best friend (Lois Chiles) is the next to fall victim to the coma epidemic, Susie begins an investigation that rattles the cages of the powers-that-be. Including her politically-savvy boyfriend Mark (Michael Douglas). Something tells me Susan’s going to be doing a lot of running soon…

WHY SHE LOVES THIS MOVIE: Because it is “smart” and “suspenseful.” And since this happens to be a movie that I like myself, I have to agree. Genevieve Bujold turns Susan into a tough, resourceful, but also human heroine. And COMA works primarily because we can get behind this chick as she uncovers the horrific conspiracy at the hospital she works in. Michael Douglas and the rest of the supporting cast are just as good. A classic.

# 352 - THIEF OF HEARTS (1984)

THIEF OF HEARTS (1984 - ROMANCE/THRILLER)

(This is why I don‘t keep a diary…)

Nothing like a little hanky panky in the dark…

CAST: Steven Bauer, Barbara Williams, John Getz, David Caruso, Christine Ebersole.

DIRECTOR: Douglas Day Stewart




FAVORITE OF: Friend

IN A NUTSHELL: Small-time burglar Scott Muller (Steve Bauer) breaks into yuppie couple Ray and Mickey Davis’s (John Getz and Barbara Williams) home and cleans them out. Scott accidentally swipes Mickey’s private diaries (which even Ray doesn’t know about) along with the valuables. Indeed, Mickey seems more upset about this than losing all of her jewelry. The cops assure her that a burglar doesn’t give a shit about her private thoughts and fantasies. Unfortunately, Scott turns out to be the only sensitive and soulful burglar in the world and starts reading through Mickey’s junk. He finds out from her writings that she is unhappy in her marriage with Ray. Before you know it, Scott has turned himself into her “dream guy” and proceeds to start an affair with her. Will Mickey ever find out that her new lover is also the guy who stole her diaries? Will she care as long as he keeps on making her cum like the Fourth of July? I wouldn’t.

WHY HE LOVES THIS MOVIE: Because he’s a fucking pervert, that's why (sorry, dude, just keeping it real). What do you expect from a guy who almost became a porn star? No wonder we get along so well. We’re both horndogs. Anyway, THIEF OF HEARTS isn’t that bad. It’s actually pretty good, and has a great concept, slick production design, and vibrant soundtrack. It’s just too bad the love story angle wasn’t developed further, as this could’ve been a classic. Barbara Williams is hauntingly beautiful, while Steven Bauer is smokin’ hot and can burglarize me any day of the week.

# 351 - THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1974)

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1974 - ESPIONAGE THRILLER)

(Robert Redford being chased by a bunch of people who want to kill him - not fuck him. What a novel concept…)

Better make it a quickie, folks, because those assassins are closing in…

CAST: Robert Redford, Faye Dunaway, Max Von Sydow, Cliff Robertson.

DIRECTOR: Sydney Pollack




FAVORITE OF: Family

IN A NUTSHELL: CIA analyst Joe Turner (Robert Redford) gets the short end of the stick one day at work and has to run out and get lunch for everyone. When he gets back, he finds out all of his co-workers have been wiped out by assassins - and he survived because he went out the back door to the corner deli. Guess that stick wasn’t so short after all, eh? Anyhow, Joe goes on the run with an innocent chick he takes hostage (Faye Dunaway), trying to stay ahead of the assassins while figuring out why they want him (and his friends) dead. Will he find out in time? Will Kathy (his hostage) come over to his side? Or is she just humoring him until she can make a break for it? Personally, a guy who looks like Robert Redford can’t take me hostage any day of the week. No complaints, here.

WHY SHE LOVES THIS MOVIE: Robert Redford. Can’t say I blame her. This guy just oozes sex. And the movie’s pretty kick-ass, too. Faye Dunaway also makes a good, sarcastic foil for Redford‘s twitchy hero. Max Von Sydow is the best thing in the flick, though, as the compassionate assassin. How’s that for a contradiction in terms? See this flick to find out what I mean.

# 350 - MANAGEMENT (2009)

MANAGEMENT (2009 - COMEDY)

(This is such bullshit - show me one real-life motel manager who is as hot as Steve Zahn…)

Bootie Alert!

CAST: Steve Zahn, Jennifer Aniston, Margo Martindale, Fred Ward, James Hiroyuki Liao.

DIRECTOR: Stephen Belber




FAVORITE OF: Fan.

IN A NUTSHELL: Smalltown motel manager Mike (Steve Zahn) develops a crush on traveling saleswoman Sue (Jennifer Aniston), has a one-night stand with her, then essentially follows her like a puppy dog all the way back to the East Coast. Sue, naturally, reacts to his showing up the same way any of us would if we were confronted with someone we fucked once but hoped would never see again - she freaks out royally. But lo and behold! Sue and Mike discover that they have a lot in common. Such as… well, watch the fucking movie and find out if they can make this shit work.

WHY HE LOVES THIS MOVIE: Apparently, because it’s “funny” and Jennifer Aniston is “hot, dude!” There you go, folks… Richard Corliss or Vincent Canby couldn’t have said it better.

# 349 - SPIRITED AWAY (2001)

SPIRITED AWY (2001 - ANIMATED / FOREIGN FILM)

(Into the looking glass, Chihiro goes…)

Feelin‘ Hot Hot Hot!

CAST: Voices of Daveigh Chase, Suzanne Pleshette, Jason Marsden, Susan Egan.

DIRECTOR: Hayao Miyazaki



FAVORITE OF: Mine.

IN A NUTSHELL: Bratty Japanese kid Chihiro (voice of Daveigh Chase) has to relocate with her parents to another city. On the way to their new home, Mom and Dad decide to check out an abandoned amusement park - which turns out to be not so abandoned after all. Turns out that, after nightfall, the place turns into a - seriously - a Bathhouse for the Spirits. Because I guess spirits need to get their rocks off, too. Anyway, it’s now up to Chihiro to free her parents from the curse that turned them into pigs (don’t ask) and escape with them from Freak Show Central. Will she succeed? Or are her parents pretty much pork chops now? Can she defy the head spirit named Yubaba (Suzanne Pleshette)? Find out for yourselves. Just watch out for that spirit that eats anything in its path. No, that isn’t me in disguise, goddamnit.

WHY I LOVE THIS MOVIE: Because it’s like a Japanese animated version of ALICE IN WONDERLAND, but much, much more surreal. Famed Japanese animation director Hayao Miyazaki is nothing short of a genius. It’s even better to watch when you’re a little (or a lot) drunk. This is why I love Japan: because it’s so fucking weird. And so are its flicks. Even the fucking cartoons. What other nation would dream up a ‘toon about a sauna that services demons and ghosts. So bizarre. So awesome.

Monday, June 13, 2011

THE PERSONAL FAVORITES LIST: Grand Finale....

Hiya, folks...

At long last, the Soccer Flicks have all posted. Now, finally, we can start out homestretch with our Personal Favorites. Half of these are my own. The other half belong to friends, family, and readers...

These reviews will be very short but succinct. And since they are favorites, I will not be rating them. Just giving my brief opinion. I want to respect everyone's preferences...

So, here they are:

# 349 - SPIRITED AWAY

# 350 - MANAGEMENT

# 351 - 3 DAYS OF THE CONDOR

# 352 - THIEF OF HEARTS

# 353 - COMA

# 354 - NOTTING HILL

# 355 - IRON MAN

# 356 - I LOVE YOU, MAN

# 357 - GREAT EXPECTATIONS

# 358 - FAILURE TO LAUNCH

# 359 - JOYEUX NOEL

# 360 - BEFORE SUNRISE

# 361 - BEFORE SUNSET

# 362 - HEAVEN CAN WAIT

# 363 - ROLE MODELS

# 364 - THE EYES OF LAURA MARS

# 365 - ORDINARY PEOPLE

My heroes!

Chill out and have some beers, dudes.  No need for guns.

Girl, you're so tan, all I see are the whites of your eyes!

WASP alert!

Time for some dirty sex!

Damn, Matthew, cut back on the Donuts!

Evening, folks... Please expect all 17 Personal Favorites to post by tomorrow night. We're almost there. Just remember, though: The End Is Just The Beginning....

# 348 - DAVID BECKHAM: LIFE OF AN ICON (2008)

DAVID BECKHAM: LIFE OF AN ICON (2008 - SOCCER FLICK / DOCUMENTARY) ***1/2 out of *****

(If he were any hotter, he‘d be Italian…)

Feelin‘ Hot Hot Hot!

CAST: David Beckam, Victoria Beckham, Sir Alex Ferguson, Florentino Perez, The Real Madrid Players, The Los Angeles Galaxy Players…

DIRECTOR: Carl Callum

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one smokin’ hot Brit footballer - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: This documentary follows uber-hottie David Beckham as he rises through the ranks at Manchester United, wins a shitload of titles for them (the Premier League, the FA Cup, and the UEFA Champions League), then on to Real Madrid (where he helped nab the La Liga Championship), then on to AC Milan, then on to La-La Land USA to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy to help raise the profile of Soccer in the States! Oh, and along the way he marries Victoria Beckham (AKA Posh Spice), has a few kids with her, and becomes a mega-hot celebrity - in all senses of the phrase. Par-tay!

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: David Beckham.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: David Beckam.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anything with David Beckham in it.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anything with David Beckham in it.

HOTTEST SCENE: Anything with David Beckham in locker room.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Should I move to Los Angeles just to be closer to David? Or are their better hotties right here in Rainy City? Tough call…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “DAVID BECKHAM: LIFE OF AN ICON”: If you are a David Beckham fan. Duh.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DAVID BECKHAM: LIFE OF AN ICON”: If you are not a David Beckham fan. Double Duh.

FINAL ANALYSIS: A fascinating glimpse into the humble beginnings and meteoric rise of David Beckham through the ranks of English and international football, DAVID BECKHAM: LIFE OF AN ICON is a fast-paced ride. It also gives a sense of David Beckham, the man. Someone whose fame and fortune and glitz hasn’t erased his deep, abiding love for the sport of football.

I remember a few years ago when I heard that Beckham was signing with the Los Angeles Galaxy. I literally jumped with joy, because I viewed this as the next step in raising the profile of soccer in America. Starting with the New York Cosmos with Pele and Giorgio Chinaglia, this isn’t the first time the powers-that-be strategized to bring soccer closer to American minds and hearts by employing international stars. With a player of Beckham’s stature and fame, though, we just might have found the the 21st century answer to Pele and Chinaglia. In the end, the Cosmos didn’t last - but I firmly believe the strategy worked. Pele and Chinaglia’s presence in the U.S. in the late 70's helped make soccer’s impact on the world known on these shores.

Let’s hope that David Beckham’s presence does even more…

# 347 - CUP FINAL (1992)

CUP FINAL (1992 - SOCCER FLICK / DRAMA) **** out of *****

(War is waged by men, soccer is played by geniuses…)

Well, this sucks…

CAST: Moshe Ivgy, Muhammed Bakri, Salim Dau, Baazum Zoamat.

DIRECTOR: Eran Riklis

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one wistful World Cup trip - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: On the eve of the 1982 World Cup in Barcelona, Israel invades Lebanon, leading to war. Israeli reservist Cohen is (Moshge Ivgy) is just a little pissed off about this because he’s been planning for the last two years to attend the World Cup. Unfortunately, the government has other plans for him and activates him for service, sending his ass into Lebanon with his other fellow soldiers. Things take a turn for the shittier. What could be shittier than planning a World Cup trip for over two years and then getting sent into war just as the tournament is about to begin? Well, Cohen and another Israeli soldier get captured by an bunch of Palestinians with the PLO, that’s what. So, basically, now Cohen is missing out on the World Cup AND is also a prisoner. Taken as hostage, Cohen thinks he’s pretty much fucked. Then he discovers that his captors love football, and ends up talking passionately about it with them. Then he finds out that they love Team Italia just as much as he does. Is there hope for Cohen after all?

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Cohen, with all of his passion and love for football and Team Italia. It’s enough to almost turn the Palestinians into his friends.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Muhammed Bakri as Ziad, the leader of the Palestinian group, is pretty smokin‘…

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Whenever Cohen, Ziad, and the rest of the soldiers sit around and talk about football and how well Team Italia is doing in the 1982 World Cup.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Like I said, whenever Cohen, Ziad, and the rest of the soldiers sit around and talk about football and how well Team Italia is doing in the 1982 World Cup.

HOTTEST SCENE: Pretty much any scene with Muhammad Bakri in it. Is that guy a soldier or a model? Are all Palestinians this hot?

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Cohen be released in time to attend the World Cup 1982 in Barcelona? Or will he continue to be held prisoner by the PLO dudes? Will Ziad help his new friend and let him escape? Can these friendships survive the war? Will football truly prove to be one of the universal languages? Why the fuck didn’t Cohen just go AWOL and jump on that plane to Barcelona? I would’ve. I so fucking would’ve…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “CUP FINAL”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and its power to bridge the gap between different nationalities - even during war…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “CUP FINAL”: If you don’t like soccer, soccer movies, or subtitles. In which case, your loss…

FINAL ANALYSIS: As part of Soccer Week # 3, I had originally chosen JOYEUX NOEL, a French/German film that chronicled one night in WWII when warring German and Allied soldiers called a truce and played an almost magical game of soccer. Proving the power of the sport to bridge the gap between people and nations. Then I saw CUP FINAL, quite by chance, and decided to review this film instead. Don’t get me wrong… JOYEUX NOEL is a wonderful film, but CUP FINAL drives home the same message with more grit and melancholy.

The emotional fulcrum of CUP FINAL is the slow discovery of Cohen and Ziad and the rest of the PLO guys that they have the love of football and Team Italia in common. This draws them together and leads to something almost approaching respect and friendship. In the end, however, they are still soldiers at war with each other, and much suspense and sadness is generated by the question of whether or not these men’s friendship will survive - but also whether they themselves will live through the conflict.

I won’t spoil the ending for you, folks. I will say that all the actors, led by Moshge Ivgy and Muhammed Bakri, are excellent and, in some cases, heartbreaking. CUP FINAL drives home the lesson that friendship and shared passions are precious and never to be taken for granted. In a perfect world, one without war or politics, Cohen and Ziad would be good friends going down to the local stadium to catch a local match - or even traveling together to the World Cup to experience it first-hand. Their nationalities wouldn’t matter. Sadly, it’s not a perfect world.

By the way, Italy ended up winning the World Cup 1982. Cohen and Ziad would’ve been proud…

Sunday, June 12, 2011

# 346 - NAPOLI CORNER: THE DIEGO MARADONA STORY (1996)

NAPOLI CORNER: THE DIEGO MARADONA STORY (1996 - SOCCER FLICK / DOCUMENTARY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Never underestimate the power of an Argentine player in Southern Italy…)

Go, BOY!!!!!!

CAST: Diego Maradona as himself.

DIRECTOR: Unknown

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one seriously ballsy Argentine firecracker/soccer player - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: Napoli (or Naples) has always been unfairly labeled the Black Sheep of Italian Cities - in more ways than one. One of these ways includes football. Unlike their more polished brethren up north, SSC Napoli had always gotten the short-end of the stick and constantly missed out on the Scudetto - AKA the Serie A Italian Championships. Then Diego Maradona was hired onto the team between 1985 and 1992, and all that changed: Napoli won two Scudettos, as well as placed second twice, and also nabbed the coveted Coppa Italia. Basically, Diego Maradona became what Gennaro Gattuso is for the AC Milan: a fucking godsend.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Diego, baby…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Well, Diego’s not a bad-looking guy, but he’s no Fabio Cannavaro. Sorry, but no wood here…

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anytime Diego M. is shown shooting for a goal.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The various interviews with the passionate and fiery denizens of Napoli, who basically look upon Diego M. as a beloved adopted brotha or son. God, I love Southern Italians… And Northern Italians. Oh, fuck it: I love all Italians.

HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Diego M. scores a beautiful goal.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Well, we already kind of know, right? Diego M. raised SSC Napoli’s profile and showed the North that the South could actually kick ball and take names? But can Diego M. sustain this successful run? Or will his rumored drug use affect not only him but also the city of Napoli itself? Will Napoli lose its hallowed standing just when she’s found it? Goddamnit, no! NO! NO!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “NAPOLI CORNER: DIEGO MARADONA STORY”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and Diego Maradona - and Southern Italy…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “NAPOLI CORNER: DIEGO MARADONA STORY”: If you don’t like soccer, soccer movies, Diego Maradona, or Southern Italy. In which case, the door is that way… don’t let it hit your ass on the way out.

FINAL ANALYSIS: Having lived in Naples, Italy for three years, and having followed the games of AC Napoli while I was there, it’s hard not to know about the legend of Diego Maradona. Any self-respecting football fan in Napoli knows and worships Diego Maradona. This brilliant Argentine player gave Napoli its first taste at the Scudetto - and basically proved to the North that the area south of Rome isn’t populated by barbarians and the savages. And knowing as I do how proud Neapolitans are, I’m quite certain they reacted with typical passionate Italian intensity to those victories in the late eighties. As much as I also love Northern Italy and its denizens, there's just an electricity and vibrant passion to the South that isn't found elsewhere in the country.

One of my Italian friends from Naples was just a boy when Maradona reigned supreme, and he remembers his father, mother, uncles, and aunts essentially throwing days-long celebration in the wake of the Maradona/AC Napoli victories. That’s how special Maradona was to the city of Naples, Italy.

In the end, Maradona’s troubled tendencies and alleged cocaine abuse caught up to him, and he left SSC Napoli on a low note. He went on to play for Seville in Spain and Newell and Boca in Argentina. In short, he moved on from his high/low chapter in Napoli, and eventually retired in 1998. His recent stint was managing the Argentina National Team, which ended after the 2010 World Cup.

Regardless of what Mr. Maradona is doing now, he is remembered fondly in Naples - for bringing the coveted Scudetto and Coppa Italia to the South - and showing the North that they know how to play football down there, too…

# 345 - GRACIE (2007)

GRACIE (2007 - SOCCER FLICK / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****

(Never tell a determined athlete she can‘t play just as well as the boys…)

Go, GIRL!!!!!!

CAST: Carly Schroeder, Jessie Lee Soffer, Dermont Mulroney, Elisabeth Shue, John Doman, Christopher Shand.

DIRECTOR: David Guggenheim

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one seriously ballsy female soccer player - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: Grace Bowen (Carly Schroeder) is your average teenage girl except in one area: she really wants to play soccer just like the boys do. When her beloved brother and star soccer player, Johnny (Jessie Lee Soffer), dies in a tragic car accident, Grace decides to honor his memory by learning how to play the game and continuing his legacy of love for the game. The only problem? Well, not much… just your average sexist male contingent of teachers, jocks, and other assorted assholes who think she can’t play worth a shit. Oh, and her Pops (Dermot Mulroney) doesn’t have much faith in her either - at first. But our Gracie isn’t one to give up easily…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Gracie. And Pops eventually comes around to stick up for his little girl. Go, Dad…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is a family movie, so we ain’t even gonna go there. Although, Dermot Mulroney as Gracie’s Dad is kind of hot in a greasy roughneck sort of way.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The climactic soccer match where Gracie finally gets to prove her mettle as a soccer player.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The scene where Gracie challenges the school board’s decision to bar her from the boys’ soccer team. Mom (Elisabeth Shue) gives a moving speech that shames those narrow-minded board members.

HOTTEST SCENE: Like I said, it’s a family movie so I ain’t even going there.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Gracie triumph over her naysayers and prove that she has what it takes to survive on the boys’ soccer team? Or will she give up and take up Home Economics instead? Will the memory of her dead older brother Johnny, who always told her she could do anything and was special, give her the strength to fight on? You better fucking believe it.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “GRACIE”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and real-life stories of spunky women who face the odds and succeed.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “GRACIE”: If you don’t like soccer or soccer flicks with spunky chicks in them. If so, I ask you: what the fuck are you doing reading this review?

FINAL ANALYSIS: This flicks is based on actress Elisabeth Shue’s real-life experiences as a teenaged girl fighting her way onto the boys’ soccer team in the wake of her older brother‘s death. GRACIE is sort of a labor of love for the Shue family: Elisabeth plays the role of Gracie’s mom (her own mom, I suppose) and brother Andrew (MELROSE PLACE) co-wrote the screenplay and plays one of the coaches. As a result, there’s a strong undercurrent of emotion here - and understandably so.

GRACIE works well because of the conviction the cast brings to the story and their roles. Carly Schroeder wisely doesn’t play Gracie as some sort of goodie-goodie - but turns the character into an interesting blend of earnest sincerity and fiery intelligence. In short, she’s a believable teenage girl. Of the supporting cast, Dermot Mulroney and Elisabeth Shue turn in the strongest performances as Gracie’s parents, while Jessie Lee Soffer makes a strong impact with his limited screentime as Gracie’s revered older brother, Johnny. After his death, Johnny’s presence hangs over the entire movie like a ghost. Such is the potency of Soffer’s performance. You feel the loss that the Bowen family feels after losing this dynamic guy who was a brilliant soccer player, but also a loving, loyal son and brother.

In the end, GRACIE is a solid soccer flick that not only celebrates the game, but also the importance of family - both in daily humdrum life, and in those moments of loss and victory.

I dedicate this review to memory of William Shue, who inspired the love of soccer in his sister Elisabeth - and made her fight for her dream.

# 344 - THE DAMNED UNITED (2009)

THE DAMNED UNITED (2009 - SOCCER FLICK / COMEDY) **** out of *****

(Brian Clough, I think I’m in love with you…)

Go, BOY!!!!!!

CAST: Michael Sheen, Colm Meany, Timothy Spall, Jim Broadbent.

DIRECTOR: Tom Hooper

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one seriously confident football team manager - straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: In the early 70’s, Don Revy (Colm Meaney) was “promoted” from being the manager of Leeds United, England’s premier football club, to manage the British National Team and help them qualify for the next World Cup. Stepping into his shoes was outspoken, brash, ultra-confident Brian Clough (Michael Sheen), who proceeds to piss off his players, other members of management, his best friend and assistant Peter Taylor (Timothy Spall), and pretty much the entire town of Derby. See, Brian is determined to make Leeds United an even better team than Don did - even if it means giving his boys an overdose of the Tough Love treatment.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: It’s Brian all the way, baby. This guy’s like a human pit bull: once he decides he wants something in his mouth, there’s no stopping him. Well, you know what I mean….

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Sheen as Brian Clough. Sheen is good-looking, but not exactly a supermodel. But the confidence, passion, and intensity he pours into the character makes you want to either share a beer with him while talking football, or shag him six ways from Sunday. Or both. Nothing is sexier than someone who stands by their convictions and passions.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Brian going toe-to-toe with the executive management of Leeds United. And basically spanking their asses silly. Figuratively speaking, unfortunately.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Brian being forced by his best pal Peter (Timothy Spall) to apologize by kneeling on the ground, and reciting the lyrics of a cheesy love song. As in “Baby, come back to me…” Fucking hilarious.

HOTTEST SCENE: The scene where the Executive Management of Leeds United react in outrage to Brian’s demands by screaming: “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” The response? Brian looks the bastards right in the eyes and evenly says: “Brian Clough. Brian. Howard. Clough.” YEAH, BOY!!!

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Brian succeed in elevating Leeds United’s game? Or will his brash charisma just get him into hot water with his players and the top brass? How long can Peter continue to stand by him? Will the politics of the team test their relationship? Will the players themselves embrace Brian’s tough but gentlemanly work ethic? And - most importantly - will Brian finally throw down with Don Revy once and for all?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE DAMNED UNITED”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and real-life stories of visionary men who face the odds and succeed.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS”: If you don’t like soccer or soccer flicks with Brits speaking in thick accents. If so, this might be the equivalent of cinematic Chinese Water Torture.

FINAL ANALYSIS: This film is based on a book by David Peace that is, apparently, an odd mix of fiction and nonfiction. Many folks have disputed whether some of the events portrayed in THE DAMNED UNITED happened the way the film would like us to believe. Obviously, as with any adaptation of a real-life story, some dramatic license is unavoidable. However, as the chronicle of a talented, charismatic, passionate man who was simply way ahead of his time, THE DAMNED UNITED is terrific entertainment. What’s great about Brian Clough is he could have easily been pegged an arrogant, egotistical jerk. However, peel back the surface, and you realize he’s hard on his players because he wants them to play “beautiful and clean” football. Not dirty, underhanded, un-gentlemanly football. In essence, he’s fighting for the integrity of the game.

Michael Sheen is perfection as Brian Clough. He successfully walks the tightrope of playing all of the character’s sides: tough-talking, fearless, determined, humorous, but also surprisingly kind and tentative during some moments. By all indication, the real-life Brian Clough was quite the character. If he’s anything like Michael Sheen’s portrayal, this is one guy I would love to watch a football match with and share some lagers with afterwards.

The rest of the cast provides solid support to Sheen. Timothy Spall is terrific as Peter Taylor, Brian’s “soul brother” who sticks by Clough longer than anyone else, and always welcomes him back with open arms. Jim Broadbent is also good as the owner of Leeds United who repeatedly clashes with Clough.

In the end, whether or not THE DAMNED UNITED and the book it sprung from are as faithful to real life as they claim to be is beside the point. The point is both the film and book succeed in putting forth the message that there are people out there who would do anything for the beautiful game of football/soccer.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

REVIEW UPDATE: The Soccer Flicks and our Grand Finale...

Hi, folks...

First of all, sorry for the delay in getting back on track. It's been a busy past two weeks. No worries, though, because the Soccer Flicks will all post by tomorrow evening - and over the Monday and Tuesday, our 17 Personal Favorites Flicks will post in a series of lightning-fast reviews that will bring our year-long adventure to an end on June 14.

But the end of one adventure is really the beginning of another, and we will be embarking on our next one starting July 1 as we count down to World Cup 2014 three years from now. The new blog will be a mix of soccer commentary, movie and music reviews, and dive travel adventure journals. It's going to be a blast...

So... we're off to the Sounders vs. Vancouvers Battle tonight. Let's say a prayer for our boys in green against the boys from up north. Please expect a game report and pictures to post tonight...

Have a great weekend...

# 343 - THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS (1983)

THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS (1985 - SOCCER FLICK / COMEDY) *** out of *****

(Chicks with Kicks and Pens and Typerwriters…)

Go, sistahs - again!!!

CAST: Zoe Nathenson, Cathy Murphy, Sara Sugarman, Liz Campion, Amelia Dipple, Stephan Chase.

DIRECTOR: Phillip Saville

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one seriously determined female sports-writer-in-training straight ahead.




IT’S LIKE THIS: Julie Welch was one of England’s first female sportswriters, and the first female sportswriter to work on Fleet Street, the former cradle of British journalism. THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS is based on her experiences growing up as an adolescent in 1960-1961. Why that specific time frame? Easy: that was the time her favorite team, the Tottenham Hotspurs, scored an unprecedented “double” when they won both the English League and FA Cups for that season. For a rabid football fan (is there any other?) like Julie, this is pretty much the sporting equivalent of Lionel Messi and Fabio Cannavaro showing up on my doorstep wearing nothing but their jockstraps and carrying a bottle of Tequila. Par-tay!!!

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Julie (Zoe Nathenson), as well as her three fellow closet-football fan friends, Tub, Jailbird, and Toni (Cathy Murphy, Liz Campion, Sara Sugarman).

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Nada. These Brits aren’t the hot and sexy ones like David Beckham or Keira Knightley.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Julie and her posse trying to break into the climactic match at Wembley stadium with stolen tickets.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Julie sneaking into a married couple’s bedroom while they sleep to steal the husband’s match tickets out of his wallet. Hey, look, I’ve done worse to get my hands on prized match tickets, alright?

HOTTEST SCENE: Well… none. Like I said, these folks aren’t exactly supermodels…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Julie and her posse manage to catch the much-anticipated battle between the Tottenham Hotspurs and their rivals? Or will they be found out and escorted from Wembley Stadium? Will Julie grow up to be a successful sportswriter? Or will she follow her mum’s advice and bake strawberry cream pies for the rest of her life instead? Three guesses, folks. First two don’t count…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and real-life stories of women who face the odds and succeed.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS”: If you want your soccer movies and real-life stories of women who face the odds and succeed to be more than just slightly above average in its presentation.

FINAL ANALYSIS: THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS is a cute, sometimes clumsy, but ultimately rewarding account of some of the hurdles Julie Welch faced growing up while trying to pursue her love of football (soccer). Some of us, by choice, keep our love of soccer to ourselves and our closest friends because it is our business. Other people, on the other hand, have no choice but to keep it to themselves for fear of not being accepted by society. Such is the case with Julie and her friends. During her childhood, girls were expected to learn how to be homemakers - not be passionate about a group of men kicking a ball around a field. They are expected to think inside the box and not show any appreciation for the beautiful game.

But, as those of us who have always followed soccer, whether privately or openly, have always known, soccer is more than just a bunch of people kicking a ball around a field. It is poetry in motion, and has the capacity to unite entire nations of people of different backgrounds. In short, it is nothing less than an exciting gift to humanity - and it’s this quality that draws Julie, Tub, Toni, and Jailbird.

Julie Welch still continues to write about football (soccer) to this day. Just like our last review, DARE TO DREAM, this flick celebrates the fact that soccer fans come from all walks of life and cannot be placed in a single box. Passion often comes from the most surprising and unexpected place. THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS is cinematic proof of that..

# 342 - DARE TO DREAM (2007)

DARE TO DREAM (2007 - SOCCER FLICK / DOCUMENTARY) **** out of *****

(Chicks with Kicks…)

Go, sistahs!!!

CAST: (as themselves) Mia Hamm, Julie Foudi, Michelle Akers, Kristine Lilly, Joy Fawcett, Brandi Chastain, April Heinrichs, Billie Jean King.

DIRECTOR: Ousie Shapiro

WARNING: Some surprisingly heroic sports chicks straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: This flick is a documentary of the rise of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team, and how they went on to score international victories at the Women’s World Cup in China in 1991, the Olympics in Atlanta Georgia in 1996, the Women’s World Cup again in 1999 in the U.S., and again at the Olympics in Athens, Greece in 2004. All because of the combined “girl power” of superstarts Mia Hamm, Brandi Chastain, Kristine Lilly, Joy Fawcett, and Julie Foudy - who were all recruited by coach Anson Dorrance, who gambled on the ladies because of his deep faith in them. The result: Olympic and World Cup Gold, bitches!!! YEAH!!!

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Hamm, Chastain, Lilly, Fawcett, Foudy, Akers, Heinrichs, etc. - it’s the ladies of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team all the way.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: The ladies are all quite lovely in addition to being fucking amazing at soccer.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Brandi Chastain preparing for the crucial penalty kick that will decide the fate of the US-China Women’s World Cup Final in 1999.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Brandi Chastain nailing the above-mentioned shot to clinch a U.S. victory - then ripping her jersey off in a moment of pure joy, revealing nothing but a sports bra underneath. YEAH!!! I wish more male soccer players would do that whenever they scored goals. Let’s see that chest hair, baby!

HOTTEST SCENE: I think I just mentioned it: Brandi ripping that jersey off. I wish Fabio Cannavaro, my favorite player, would’ve done that at the World Cup 2006.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the U.S. Women’s Team continue to score and succeed? Let’s hope so - because these are some talented ladies…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “DARE TO DREAM”: If you love soccer, soccer movies, and real-life stories of women who face the odds and succeed.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DARE TO DREAM”: If you don’t like soccer, soccer flicks, or real-life stories of women who face the odds and succeed. If so, please get the fuck outta here before I sic my cat Casper and my man-slave Luca all over your ass.

FINAL ANALYSIS: One of the reasons soccer is called The Beautiful Game is because it is universally accepted. Even in a country like the U.S., which is a bit behind the power curve when it comes to embracing the sport, those who do love soccer, love it intensely - whether privately or publicly. The love of soccer is especially vivid in DARE TO DREAM, which chronicles the real passions of a group of women for the sport - and how their intensity and drive to succeed not only won Women’s World Cup victory and Olympic Gold, but also elevated the profile of soccer in this country. It also changed the way the sport is perceived, and altered the notion that women were not as good at it as men. In other words, these women’s accomplishments changed the face of soccer. Their success will inspire generations of girls to come to think outside the box and pursue their own paths.

All thanks to the talents, passion, and determination of Mia Hamm, Brandi Chastain, Julie Foudy, Kristen Lilly, Michelle Akers, Joy Fawcett, and April Heinrichs. And let’s not forget coach Anson Torrance, whose vision and unshakable belief in these ladies and what they could do led him to fight to the death for them.

Go, girls. And go, boy…

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

THE SOCCER FLICKS REVIEWS...

Hi, folks...

It's been such a while since I actually posted reviews, that I felt a reminder of what our soccer flicks are was in order.

Please find them below, and please expect the reviews to start posting tomorrow night... Sorry for the delay. It's been a busy (but fun) last two weeks... The Soccer Flicks will commemorate a series of games: the recent Mexico vs. Ecuador match, the upcoming Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps Match, the current CONCACAF Gold Cup Tournament, and on the local front, the Kick It Tournament. It's going to be a soccer-filled weekend...

# 342 - DARE TO DREAM (AKA That Mia Hamm Sure Is A Ham)

# 244 - THOSE GLORY GLORY DAYS (AKA The Making Of Female Sports Writer)

# 245 - THE DAMN UNITED (AKA: I Am Brian Clough, Best Football Manager in England)

# 246 - CUP FINAL (AKA: War And Soccer Make Interesting Bedfellows)

# 247 - NAPOLI CORNER: DIEGO MARADONA (AKA: Southern Italy Rulez!!!)

# 248 - GRACIE (AKA: Bend It Like Beckham, U.S.-Style)

# 249 - LIFE OF DAVID BECKHAM (AKA: Hottest. British. Player. Ever)







GOAL!!!! Tune in for the U.S. National Teams of USA and Panama to face off in the latest CONCACAF duel on Saturday night. Gonna have to record it, since I'll be at the Sounders/Whitecaps game at Qwest...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Whatever...

Hiya, folks...

Just rolling in to the crib after a spectacular day and night. Nothing like cooking dinner with a good friend and enjoying the meal on the deck while looking out over the city. Thanks, dude. Perfect end to the weekend...

Which means I didn't get any goddamned writing done. Ah, well... As Buddha says: "Whatever."

Actually, let me leave you folks with a real Buddha quote that perfectly sums up how we should live our lives:

"Your work is to discover your world, and then with all of your heart, give yourself to it..."

- Buddha


Exactly, dude. Exactly... And my world is... The World Cup!!!

Please expect the Soccer flicks to start posting tomorrow night. Unless we have another awesome dinner... then all bets are off.

REVIEW UPDATE: The Soccer Flicks..

Hi, folks... It was a busy day for me yesterday, and I didn't get back in until very, very late. So, bottom line, the Soccer Flicks didn't post. As you can already tell. They won't post until late this evening, because I've got another busy day ahead of me. But what can you do when the sun in shining and friends are waiting? You just gotta get out and have fun...

Speaking of soccer, as a preview, please find a link below to the new blog. It's still in the draft phase and won't go live until July 1. The look of the blog may change, but not much...

http://countdowntoworldcup2014.blogspot.com/


Have a great Sunday, folks!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

REVIEW UPDATE: The Soccer Flicks and Personal Favorites...

Hello, folks...

Right now, you're probably thinking: "Where the fuck is that dipshit? Where are the reviews?"

Well... it's been such great weather here in Rainy City lately, that the only sensible thing to do is hang out with my friends. As they say, friends are treasures in this life never to be taken for granted, and I'm proud and humbled to say that I am a very rich man in that regard. The word "friend" is a sacred term to me, and I don't use it on just anyone. And I've got some great ones. Love you, folks, and I treasure our adventures together...

So, yeah, I've been chilling each night in the company of my buds. And that's why there hasn't been any review activity. Same thing for this weekend, too. Too busy having fun under the sun....

No worries, though. I don't intend to taper off just as we're about to be finished with our 365/365 run. I will get all the Soccer Flicks posted tomorrow, then we starts (a little belatedly) our Personal Favorites finale...

Then after a short period of recuperation (I swear I never want to watch another movie again after this last year), we begin our next adventure, which will chronicle soccer, movies, music, and scuba diving adventures. It will span three years and end with me and my posse... reporting live at the World Cup 2014 in Brazil. Or, rather, I will be reporting live and doing the photojournalist/blogger thang, while they drink their asses off and cheer for Spain, Italy, UK, and USA.

Starting July 1, prepare for:

THE ROAD TO BRAZIL 2014 WORLD CUP - WITH SIDE TRIPS TO THE MULTIPLEX AND OPEN OCEAN...

What happens in Brazil, stays in Brazil…

Have a great weekend, folks. I intend to...