# 612 - SAN ANDREAS

SAN ANDREAS (2015 - ACTION / THRILLER / DISASTER FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****  OR  7 out of 10

(Pretty strong argument for moving to the East Coast...)

CAST:  Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario, Paula Giamatti, Hugo Johnstone-Burt, Anchie Panjabi, Ioan Gruffaud, Art Parkinson, Kylie Minogue, Will Yun Lee, Alec Utgoff, Julian Shaw.  

DIRECTOR: George Miller

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather compelling reasons to say the fuck out of California - straight ahead...)

IT'S LIKE THIS:  In our last review for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (review # 611), we commented on how anyone who doesn't like the desert should steer clear of that flick because, well, it's set in some really unpleasant-looking stretch of desert that will have them pining for the Arctic Circle in ten minutes flat.  Well, by the same token, our next review should probably be avoided by anyone who doesn't like earthquakes.  And since I don't know many people who actually get turned on by seismic tremors and cracks opening up in the ground and buildings crumbling to dust, that's pretty much most of us.  

Our next review is SAN ANDREAS, and just to clarify: this movie has nothing to do with that PS3 / Xbox One video game GRAND THEFT AUTO that apparently has a circuit that is called San Andreas.  Evidently, a significant portion of younger folks thought this movie was a racing flick based on that game.  Yes, folks: the automatic assumption of most teens / twentysomethings when you say "San Andreas" is that you are talking about a video game - not the giant-ass crack running straight up the middle of the state of California that has caused every recorded earthquake in the state since the practice of recording earthquakes started.  And most of them probably live IN the state of California.  Scary, isn't it?  And I thought my generation was dense.

SAN ANDREAS, in case you hadn't figured out by now, is indeed about the great, big, giant-ass crack bisecting California - and what happens when "The Big One" finally hits the Golden State.  Basically, this is a 70's disaster movie given a 2015 makeover.  You've seen the formula before with THE TOWERING INFERNO, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, WHEN TIME RAN OUT, THE SWARM, METEOR, AIRPORT, AVALANCHE!, BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, and, er, EARTHQUAKE.  

In case you need reminding, here's the formula:  (1) pick a crowded location: the more potential for a high body count, the better; (2) introduce a dozen or so characters and get the audience familiar enough with them to care about who croaks and who makes it; (3) add a catastrophic disaster, natural or man-made; (4) place all ingredients in a blender and blend at high speed; then (5) watch and see which of those fuckers float to the surface.  

In SAN ANDREAS, those "fuckers" are: (1) Ray Gaines (Dwayne Johnson), LA search-and-rescue chopper pilot who is dedicated to his job and will let nothing get in the way of it - unless his family is in danger, then fuck those strangers needing rescuing; (2) Emma Gaines (Carla Gugino), Ray's soon-to-be-divorced-from-him wife who isn't sure if she's doing the right thing by leaving Ray; (3) Blake Gaines (Alexandra Daddario), Ray and Emma's teenage daughter who is visiting San Francisco when "The Big One" hits; (4) Dr. Lawrence Hayes (Paul Giamatti), seismologist who sees signs that California will be fucked royally very soon without any lube; (5) Dr. Kim Park (Will Yun Lee), Dr. Hayes' research partner who thinks their work can help predict earthquakes; (6) Serena Johnson (Archie Panjabi), hot British reporter who clearly loves nerds by the way she makes googley eyes at Dr. Hayes; (7) Ben Taylor (Hugo Johnstone-Burt), hot British architect who is in Frisco for a job interview when "The Big One" hits; (8) Ollie Taylor (Art Parkinson), Ben's kid brother who tags along to Frisco for a quasi-vacation with his big bro but now probably wishes he stayed behind in London; (9) Daniel Reddick (Ioan Gruffaud), San Francisco millionaire / prick who is Emma's new squeeze and Blake's potential new stepfather; (10) Susan Riddick (Kylie Minogue), Daniel's equally-loathsome sister who looks just like that Australian chick who sang "Locomotion"; (11) Alexi (Alec Utgoff), Russian grad student on Dr. Hayes' research team; and (12) Stoner (Julian Shaw), Australian grad student on Dr. Hayes' team who looks exactly like a, well, you know. 

Anyhow, there are millions of other Californians who are endangered when the ground starts a-shakin' and a-rollin' but the above 12 are the main focus of SAN ANDREAS.  Who among them will die and die horribly?  Who among them will live to tell the tale?  Will Ray and Emma patch things up?  Will they manage to reach Blake in time?  Will Dr. Hayes and Dr. Park figure out how to "read" the tremors? Will Serena write the story of a lifetime and knock boots with Dr. Hayes? Will Ben and Ollie ever see the shores of England again?  How will all this end?  

Three words: STOP! DROP! COVER! 


BUT SERIOUSLY:  I have to confess to having a weakness for 1970's Disaster Movies like THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE and THE TOWERING INFERNO.  In the mid-2000's there was an attempt to begin remaking these classics.  Unfortunately, the first experiment was a box-office disappointment.  This was POSEIDON (2006), a remake of the 1972 film that is widely considered to be the Grand-Daddy of the Modern Disaster Film.  

Unlike THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, though, the finished product for POSEIDON was reportedly cut down from its original 122-minute running time to a scant 98 minutes.  A lot of the scenes that hit the cutting room floor were supposedly ones that built up the characters and their relationships with one another.  

Consequently, POSEIDON suffered because we weren't too concerned about the imperiled cast because we barely knew them before the disaster hit.  In THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, we spent over a half-hour with the characters, getting to know them, before the tidal wave hit.  In POSEIDON, it's a mere 13 minutes before disaster strikes.  Given there were about 13 principle characters in POSEIDON, that was barely enough time to get any kind of a bead on them.  As a result, the film underperformed at the box-office and all plans to start remaking other 70's disaster classics starting with THE TOWERING INFERNO were scrapped.  Which makes the appearance of a film like SAN ANDREAS this summer a nice surprise - and a welcome attempt to revive the sub-genre.  

SAN ANDREAS thankfully follows the track of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE instead of POSEIDON's.  That is, it takes its time fleshing out the main characters and their relationships to one another.  It helps considerably that they are not presented as "superheroes" but just as ordinary people like you or me.  Even Dwayne Johnson's skillfull and brave chopper pilot hero is presented in a matter-of-fact, down-to-Earth way.  The cumulative effect of sufficient time spent with these people as well as presenting them as no different from you or me, is that we actually are concerned for their survival.  
Character identification and sympathy is needed for a film like SAN ANDREAS that constantly tests credibility.  If we didn't care about the people caught in the disaster, we wouldn't suspend our disbelief and allow ourselves to be engaged in the action.  The reason POSEIDON fared weakly was because, with only a few exceptions, none of the imperiled cruise ship passengers were worth caring for.  Largely because we were barely introduced to them before the cruise ship was flipped over by the tidal wave.

By contrast, by the time the first earthquake goes off in SAN ANDREAS at around the 35 minute mark, we have strong impressions of almost all of the principle players.  By then, we are walking in their shoes and feel the danger that they experience.  Credit must also go to the actors and actresses themselves for making their roles so vivid and relatable.  Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson may not be the most versatile or chameleon-like actor, but what he can and does do, he does well - and that is to be a tough, reliable man of action and integrity.  He's even given a chance to stretch and flex his dramatic muscles here in an affecting scene where his character and Carla Gugino's character revisit a past trauma in their lives.

Speaking of Gugino, I've always found her a lovely and strong presence.  She manages to make Emma Gaines a believably tough and resilient everywoman caught in the middle of a terrible situation, without turning her into a cartoony superwoman.  Gugino always underscores the humanity of her characters and she does so again here, making Emma a truly likable heroine.  Gugino also has nice, easy rapport with Johnson by now, having starred twice previously with him in FASTER and RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN.  The only "quibble" I have about Gugino is a positive one:  although she is in her mid-40s, she still looks so naturally youthful that whenever she is in a scene with twentysomething Alexandra Daddario as Emma's daughter Blake, they actually seem more like sisters than mother and daughter. 

Speaking of Daddario, she has proven no stranger to action, terror, and running for her life, having starred recently in TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D.  In her hands, Blake is like a younger version of Emma - tough, smart, capable, but also kind and compassionate.  It helps considerably that Daddario and Gugino kind of look like each other.  Daddario also has the same ease with Johnson as her father Ray.  It's important that the Gaines family unit be believable and likable for us to invest in them throughout SAN ANDREAS, and Johnson, Gugino, and Daddario nail it.  

The support cast is filled with strong, familiar faces like Paul Giamatti, Archie Panjabi, Will Yun-Lee, Ioan Gruffaud, Kylie Minogue, and some engaging newcomers like Hugo Johnstone-Burt, Art Parkinson, Alec Utgoff, and Julian Shaw.  The standouts are Johnstone-Burt and Parkinson as the imperiled British brothers who risk their lives to help Blake and team up with her to try to get out of San Francisco alive.  Like Johnson, Gugino, and Daddario, everyone else in the cast makes their particular character interesting and worth rooting for.  

Ultimately, SAN ANDREAS may not be the most credible movie, taking as many liberties as it does with scientific and seismological fact.  However, as the late, great film critic Roger Ebert once said about movies: "they are empathy-generating machines" that bring out our basic instinct to care.  And if there's anything that SAN ANDREAS does more effectively than craft exciting (if also a bit unbelievable) action scenes, its make us care about the people in it who are fighting to stay alive.  

# 611 - MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015 - ACTION / THRILLER / ADVENTURE) ***1/2 out of *****  OR  7 out of 10

(Pretty strong argument for moving the North Pole...)

CAST:  Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Zoe Kravitz, Hugh Keays-Byrne, Courtney Eaton, Riley Keogh, Abby Lee Kershaw, Josh Hamilton, Nathan Jones, Angus Sampson, Megan Gale.  

DIRECTOR: George Miller

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather ugly desertscapes - and desert people - straight ahead...)

IT'S LIKE THIS:  If anyone out there hates the desert with a passion, they'd do well to avoid our next review.  Even someone like me who loves the desert (Viva Las Vegas!) was starting to feel a little uncomfortable after watching this flick for awhile, like I had hot sand in my butt-crack or something.  Ouch.

Folks, our next review is the remake / reimagining / rewhatever of the 1979 Australian post-apocalyptic cult classic MAD MAX, starring Mel Gibson in the titular role.  And it is set in the desert.  And it's full of ugly desert people with white face paint making them look like some cannibal native tribe in the jungles of New Guinea.  Except we've already established that they're smack-dab in the middle of the Sahara or some shit.  Could also be New Mexico after a Nuclear War.  Hard to tell. 

Anyhow, our story opens with our hero Max Rockatansky (Tom Hardy) narrating how the world went to shit after some nuclear war and pretty much most of the earth is barren desertscape.  Filled with lots of things that will kill you in a heartbeat, both two-legged and four-legged.  Max is attacked by one of the latter (a mutated gecko or some crap) but manages to stomp the little shit into oblivion - and then eat it.  Apparently, there are no Taco Bells in the future, and so a little lizard meat goes a long way.

Soon, however, Max is also attacked by the two-legged variety of predator: specifically, those white-face-painted assholes whom we mentioned earlier.  They chase him through what seems like 100 miles of icky desert before finally catching him.  Not 100% sure why they are interested in Max, but given that Max looks like this, I am not surprised:

If some dude looked like Tom Hardy, I'd chase his ass through 100 miles of icky desert, too.  Then I'd eat him.  Interpret that however you want.  

Where were we?  Ah, yes...  our hottie Max gets caught by the white people face-painted like they're natives of New Guinea.  Max gets taken prisoner and meets the icky and loathsome leader of this pack of degenerate assholes.  He is Immortal Joe (Hugh Kearys-Bryne), and he rules over the settlement.  A few things about Joe: (1) He is fat; (2) He is ugly; and (3) he has a harem of young, nubile wives that includes Splendid (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), Toast (Zoe Kravitz), Fragile (Courtney Eaton), and The Dag (Abby Lee Kershaw).  I guess power buys you a lot of hos.  But then again, what else is new?  

Apparently, in this "kingdom" that Joe rules over,  these chicks are his baby-breeding machines and are the only fertile women who can bear, um, fruit.  Which is kind of disturbing because the one son he already has, the woefully-named Rictus Erectus (Nathan Jones), is kind of a colossal waste of space.  Who needs or wants more of that?  Well, apparently, Joe does so he can spread his empire.  Whatever, dude.

Imagine then his dismay then when one of his top lieutenants, the statuesquely gorgeous (even with grease on her face and one arm missing) Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron), basically abducts his entire fleet of fuck-buddies because she wants them to start anew in some legendary green land where the forests and waters are still in abundance.  Let's just say that Joe blows his fat, ugly stack and sends his entire army of ugly face-painted choads after our lovely ladies.

You're probably rightly wondering where our hottie Tom Hardy, er, Max is in all of this.  Well, while all this intrigue has been going on in the Kingdom, our boy Max has basically been acting like the worst kind of Bond Girl.  You know: "The Useless Bitch That Doesn't Do Anything And Always Needs Saving."  I'm looking at you, Rosie Carver and Mary Goodnight.  And for the first 25 minutes or so, that is our boy Max: he's a passive sideliner in his own movie.  Basically, he gets strapped to the front of one of the trucks pursuing Furiosa, Splendid, Toast, Capable, Fragile, and The Dag.  Essentially, Furiosa is James Bond for the first act of this film.  

Thank goodness she finally rescues Max from that truck's grill.  Not that he's grateful or anything because all he does is grunt and glare at her.  Maybe it's post-traumatic stress or something.  Anyhow, Max finally agrees to help Furiosa get these gaggle of chicks to that "Green Promised Land" where they can finally start anew.  And time is of the essence because Splendid is very preggers and could download another Rictus Erectus at any given moment.  

Unfortunately, if finding and reaching the Green Promised Land were as easy as that, there wouldn't be a movie.  Sure enough, Joe sends even more trucks and white-face-painted assholes to track down Max, Furiosa, Splendid, and the rest of the hos.  Also tailing the group is Nux, a junior white-face-painted asshole who tries to inflitrate the group but only winds up their bitch-boy prisoner.  Nice job, dork. Soon, however, he finds himself falling for Capable.  Nice to know they can still find the time for a little drama and fuckie-fuck while running for their lives.  

So... will Max, Furiosa, and their posse reach the Green Promised Land full of trees and water and start over again?  Does it even exist?  Or is it just one wild-goose chase?  Will Joe and his army catch up to them?  Will any of these people get out of the desert alive?  How much sand is already in their butt-cracks?  Will they make a pit-stop in Vegas to slam back some Tequila shots at the MGM Grand?  

Save me a seat, Max and Furiosa...



BUT SERIOUSLY:  I haven't seen the original MAD MAX from 1979, but I remember seeing trailers of it and some snippets.  Despite being a dystopian tale, I don't think it was quite as post-apocalyptic as MAD MAX: FURY ROAD.  The scenes from MAD MAX showed a society that still had some semblance of order and civilization, albeit starting to fall apart. In MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, chaos reigns supreme with a new world order that is barbaric.  In that regard, I have to wonder if this movie is more of a delayed sequel to MAD MAX than a remake or reimagining. 

The bottom line is I can't compare the two films. What I can say that is MAD MAX: FURY ROAD is a relentless thrill ride that hardly ever pauses for a breath.  Director George Miller also helmed the original MAD MAX, and he brings a certain, old-school grittiness to the proceedings that is very welcome.  The slick, polished veneer that characterizes most modern summer action blockbusters is thankfully missing here.  The result is a raw and authentic atmosphere that ups the excitement.  

Not having seen MAD MAX or any of its sequels, I can't really compare Tom Hardy's performance in the lead to Mel Gibson's.  I do know that Gibson's performance in those films is what got him noticed by Hollywood and led to his ascension to the firmament of stars, so I can imagine he must've been fairly effective and charismatic.  I also can't say if how the script of FURY ROAD treats the character of Max Rockatansky measures up to the original film.  Here, Max is virtually silent on the sidelines for much of the first act.  When he does enter the action, he barely has any dialogue, so it's hard to gauge him as a character.  Fortunately, Hardy is one of those actors like Russell Crowe who can own a scene and a screen with just his physical presence and X-factor, and that allows the audience to remain engaged in Max despite knowing very little about him.  

The ace up MAD MAX: FURY ROAD's sleeve, though, is Charlize Theron as Imperator Furiosa, the brave lieutenant who betrays Immortal Joe to save the future of the human race.  Whatever empathetic connection missing with Max is more than made up for by Theron's fiery but soulful performance.  So prominent is Furiosa in the film that I joked to a buddy that the movie should really have been called MAD FURIOSA: FURY ROAD.  We also think that the "Fury Road" part of the title is a direct reference to Furiosa and how important she is to the plot.  Many quarters have lauded Theron's performance and the character, calling her a positive feminist role.  

It's also notable that most of the main cast is peppered with female characters, which is rare for action films where men usually comprise most of the gallery.  Here, we have no less than six women among the principles, in addition to the female lead that Furiosa fills.  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Zoe Kravitz, Riley Keogh, Courtney Eaton, Megan Gale, and Abby Lee Kershaw all lend vivid nuances to each of Immortal Joe's "brides".  As for Immortal Joe himself, Hugh Keays-Byrne makes for a scary baddie who, like Max, says very little but is an intimidating presence. 

The most interesting character, though, is Nux as played by Nicholas Hoult.  Nux has the strongest arc, and starts out as baddie but then gradually becomes aligned with Max, Furiosa, and their companions.  He also forms a tentative romance with Riley Keogh's Capable amidst the endless chase.  There is a touching scene towards the end of the film that has Nux as the centerpiece, and it is as affecting as it is because of how well Hoult plays this complex character and his transformation.  

Ultimately, MAD MAX: FURY ROAD is a solid action film that manages to continuously shoot forward like a bullet without forgetting to occasionally highlight its characters and their quirks.  With a bit more complexity to the plot, and maybe a little more exploration of who Mad Max is, the movie could have rated even higher.  As it is, it is a solidly good film that is worth your time.  Maybe Max will be fleshed out more in the inevitable sequels...

# 610 - TOMORROWLAND

TOMORROWLAND (2015 - ACTION / SCI-FI / ADVENTURE) **** out of *****   OR  8 out of 10

('Tomorrow' looks like it sucks...)

CAST:  George Clooney, Brittany Robertson, Hugh Laurie, Raffrey Cassidy, Pierce Gagnon, Thomas Robinson, Kathryn Hahn, Keegan Michael-Key, Tim McGraw.  

DIRECTOR: Brad Bird

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather byzantine premises - straight ahead)

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Every other summer there's sometimes one movie that is kind of positioned as the oddball among all the superhero sequels, disaster flicks, horror movies, animated family adventures, and raunchy comedies jockeying with one another for your multiplex business.  The "Oddball Summer Flick", as I like to call it, is a summer release that is usually a little (sometimes a lot) smarter than the rest of the pack and has a premise that doesn't easily lend itself to pithy descriptions.  Or sometimes the premise is as dumb and simple as a bag of rocks, but it is so different from everything around it that it actually almost seems smart and complex. 

In 2010, the Oddball Summer Flick was INCEPTION, a brainy thriller that combined action and a trickily-twisty plot that barrelled through multiple "dream worlds" and layers of intrigue in such a surreal yet confident way that you went back into the sunlight wondering if everything around you was just a dream within a dream.  In 2012, the Oddball Summer Flick was MAGIC MIKE,  a "drama" about male strippers and, well, that's about it.  When I talked earlier about a premise that is as dumb as a bag of rocks but is so different from everything around it that it actually starts to almost seem smart and complex, I was talking about MAGIC MIKE. 

In MAGIC MIKE's case, though, it eventually misses the "Smart and Complex" platform and belly-flops back into the pool of "Dumb As A Bag of Rocks" beneath it.  That didn't stop it from raking in the bucks, though.  Never underestimate the power of desperate women in large numbers.  And blame them for the sequel, MAGIC MIKE XXL, which is set to pollute movie theaters this summer.  

In 2013, the Oddball Summer Flick was THIS IS THE END, a certifiably insane apocalyptic comedy that showcased James Franco, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Emma Watson, Channing Tatum, and Michael Cera - all playing themselves in the middle of the End-Of-The-World.  Like MAGIC MIKE, this flick's premise was as dumb as bag of rocks but was so different from everything arouind it at the time that it actually started to seem smart and complex.  Unlike MAGIC MIKE, though, THIS IS THE END actually managed to make the leap onto the "Smart and Complex" platform, instead of belly-flopping back into the "Dumb as a Bag of Rocks" pool beneath it - and ended up being a surprisingly sharp examination of friendship, courage, and sacrifice (albeit in a totally fucked-up and hilarious way). 

Then in 2014, the Oddball Summer Flick was EDGE OF TOMORROW, which was basically what you would get if you put GROUNDHOG DAY, INDEPENDENCE DAY, and Tom Cruise into a blender.  Basically, Tommy C. played a futuristic soldier deep in the middle of battle against invading aliens - and finds himself in a time loop where he lives the same day over and over again with the same result - he dies horribly.  Which is kind of like being forced to watch MAGIC MIKE back-to-back for a month.  Meow. 

And for the summer of 2015 (this summer, in case you are hungover), the Oddball Summer Flick is none other than our next review... TOMORROWLAND.  Which is surprising, because TOMORROWLAND is based on the Disney World attraction of the same name, which is very well-known.  The fact remains, though, that this is one weird movie (for a summer flick).  As we mentioned above, Summer Movie usually have premises that can be described in about the same time it takes to burp.  In other words, pretty fast.

Just try it out:

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON: "The Avengers battle an artifical intelligence that becomes sentient and threatens to destroy the world." BAM!

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD: "In a post-apocalyptic future, a loner named Max and a tough female warrior named Furiosa battle a formidable war lord for control of his land and water supply." BAM!

SAN ANDREAS: "A Los Angeles search-and-rescue chopper pilot and his ex-wife find themselves caught in the middle of a catastrophic California-wide earthquake while trying to reach their daughter in San Francisco." BAM!

JURASSIC WORLD:  "It's twenty years after the disastrous mistakes at JURASSIC PARK and the park is now open.  But when park management introduces a dangerous new dinosaur attraction, all hell breaks loose." BAM!

ALOHA:  "An intensely driven civilian contractor tasked with launching a new USAF satellite system in Hawaii is torn between two women: a feisty, energetic USAF captain who is assigned to babysit him, and his ex-girlfriend who still loves him. BAM!

TERMINATOR GENISYS:  "Arnie is BACK, baby!" BAM!

See?  Summer Movies are fairly simple to describe.
  
Now, let's try the same thing with TOMORROWLAND:

"A girl who is kind of a hippie liberal protester finds a button with a "T" on it that transports her to some parallel universe where people are building the future. She attempts to figure out where the strange button came from and discovers a conspiracy involving a grumpy retired scientist who used to visit that same parallel universe when he was a kid.  Oh, and then some assassins from that parallel universe want to kill them both for knowing too much and then there's the girl's little brother who also--  Wait, I should also mention the girl's father who used to be a NASA scientist but NASA lost funding due to Congress being dickheads.  Wait, did I also mention that the End of World is apparently also around the corner, according to some of the scientists running Tomorrowland?  According to them, it's because we have been fucking up the Earth, and it's too late now.  And then the girl and the grumpy scientist decide to track down the--"

BAM? Uh, no.  Not exactly.  More like: WTF!?

And that's the thing about TOMORROWLAND: it's too smart for a season wherein movie-goers want to use as little brain cells as possible.  I kept looking at the date on my watch to make sure I hadn't accidentally teleported to November.  Yup, TOMORROWLAND feels more like a flick that should've been released around Thanksgiving or Christmas, when more intellectually-challenging flicks debut.  I bet at least a hundred people got an aneurysm trying to parse the plot of this movie on opening night.  Sorry, folks: this is not 21 JUMP STREET.  Morons need not apply...

So...  will the hippie liberal protester/activist named Casey Newton (Britt Robertson) be able to figure out what the hell is up with those weird buttons that teleport her to Tomorrowland?  Will she be able to figure out what the hell is up with Tomorrowland, itself?  And will that grumpy scientist Frank Walker (George Clooney), who claimed to toggle between this world and Tomorrowland as a kid, be able to help her?  Or will the Tomorrowland assassins (Kathryn Hahn, Keegan Michael-Key) track them down first?  Will Casey's dad and brother (Tim McGraw, Pierce Gagnon) be endangered?  Should the studio create a "TOMORROWLAND for Dummies" guide?  
BAM!


BUT SERIOUSLY:  Probably a little too smart for the typical summer movie crowd, TOMORROWLAND is refreshingly layered and complex.  For its entire first and second acts, and some of the third, this movie keeps its cards close to its chest, parsing out secrets little by little.  This is a brave choice for a summer film, which is often forced to throw subtlety and a methodical build up to the wind in order to keep viewers engaged.  Indeed, there may be some folks who might grow impatient with how TOMORROWLAND plays out, and may give up on it.  If so, that's their loss.

I haven't been to the Tomorrowland attraction at Disney World so I can't say how faithful this movie's narrative and images are to it.  However, the movie itself is an exciting roller-coaster ride that constantly keeps you wondering where it is going.  And then the reveal is made well into the third act, it proves to be surprisingly thoughtful, profound, resonant, and - here's the most interesting thing - timely.  I won't reveal more.  Suffice it to say, TOMORROWLAND's brave final plot twists and denouement lift it above the rest of the summer movie entries for 2015.  It may not technically be the "best" film this summer, but it is probably the most provocative and intriguing. 

Time will tell whether the moviegoing public will embrace TOMORROWLAND and be won over by its ultimate message - or if they retreat from its cerebral underpinnings and go for less intellectually challenging fare like JURASSIC WORLD, SAN ANDREAS, and pretty much everything else that is coming out this summer.  However, whether or not audiences make it a hit, TOMORROWLAND is a very good film. 

The publicity heralds George Clooney as the ostensible lead of this film, largely because of his marquee stature.   Indeed, he is his usual solid, magnetic self.  However, he actually doesn't enter the action until well into the second act of the story, about halfway through.  The true lead of this film is Britt Robertson as Casey Newton, the socially-conscious young activist who gets plunged into adventure after finding one of those mysterious buttons with a "T" on it.  In a summer full of strong and interesting female leads like Furiosa (Charlize Theron) from MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) from JURASSIC WORLD, Captain Allison Ng (Emma Stone) & Tracy Woodside (Rachel McAdams) from ALOHA, Emma Gaines (Carla Gugino) from SAN ANDREAS, and pretty much the entire female cast of SPY, Casey Newton is a welcome addition and Robertson nails the role with likability and backbone. 

The supporting cast of Hugh Laurie, Pierce Gagnon, Kathryn Hahn, Thomas Robinson, and Keegan Michael Keeley are fine, but Robertson owns this film, with Clooney graciously ceding center stage to her repeatedly.  Hopefully, Robertson's work here will lead to similarly-high profile roles.  She is a talent to watch.

In the end, TOMORROWLAND is the thinking-person's summer movie.  Whether that helps or hurts its box-office chances remains to be seen.  However, let's remember that it worked for INCEPTION,  another summer movie that was defied description and easy pigeon-holing.  There's always hope.  

# 609 - AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON (2015 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) **** out of *****  OR  8 out of 10

(Ah, yes, once more into the Spandex breach we go, dear friends...)

CAST:  Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Scarlett Johanssen, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, Samuel Jackson, James Spader, Cobie Smulders, Claudia Kim, Elizabeth Olsen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Hayley Atwell, Anthony Mackie.

DIRECTOR: Joss Whedon

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and definite signs that summer is here - straight ahead...) 

  

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Ah, summer....  That lovely time of year when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the ice cream is melting, the clothes are skimpier, and I have to make sure my medical insurance coverage is up to date because I will inevitably trip ass-over-elbows over and into a garbage can because I've been looking over my shoulder at some guy's ass/calves/deltoids.  It's already happened twice and the summer has just started.  Ay, papi!

Another sign that summer is here (besides my kicking legs sticking out of a huge garbage can in the street and a hot guy laughing at me) is the sharp increase of movies at the Cineplex that have budgets fifty times the GNP of your average developing nation.  In other words, we ain't talking about any Merchant Ivory shit here.  In fact, the catering budget alone of your typical Summer Flick is probably quadruple the entire production costs of seven Merchant Ivory flicks.  

Prime example is our next review, the sequel to the 2012 blockbuster THE AVENGERS.  It's called AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, and boy does it look expensive.  Clearly, no cost was spared in the visual and special effects department.  The script, however, is a different story.  Basically, this movie owes a debt of gratitude to the TERMINATOR franchise with its premise of an initially-benign artifical intelligence that turns very, very, very naughty.  In the TERMINATOR flicks, it was the Cyberdine/Skynet system which eventually led to nuclear annihilation, AKA Judgement Day.  

In AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, that "AI" menace is known as, um, Ultron.  Some sort of watchdog / surveillance / peacekeeper system, its makers wisely saw its potential to go bad - and understandably binned it.  Unfortunately, leave it to sexy douchebag billionaire Tony Stark AKA Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and sexy hothead Bruce Banner AKA The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) to get it into their noggins that Ultron deserves a second chance.  Big mistake, assholes.

Soon enough, Ultron has becomes self-aware and sentient and has found a nifty metal body and the voice of James Spader - and is on a quest for world domination.  Or something.  Hard to tell with all the explosions.  Anyhow, Tony and Bruce realize too late what fucking idiots they were in reviving Ultron, and try to make things right by finding a way to defeat him.  With the help of fellow-spandex wearers Natasha Romanov AKA Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Steve Rogers AKA Captain America (Chris Evans), Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner),  and Thor AKA Thor (Chris Hemsworth), of course.   Also helping is hot newcomer Dr. Helen Cho (Claudia Kim), who has serious googley eyes for Thor.  Hey, smart girls can be whores, too, you know.

Will our heroes called The Avengers be able to thwart Ultron before it's too late?  And what happens when Ultron recruits the help of the Russian Freakazoid Twins known as Wanda Maximoff AKA Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Pietro Maximoff AKA Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson)?  Will these two bizarros tip the odds in Ultron's favor?  And will Dr. Helen get caught in the cross-fire between The Avengers and Ultron's posse?  
Find out for yourselves.  Just bring ear-plugs.



BUT SERIOUSLY:  A friend of mine likes to joke that there are two eras in Modern Hollywood: pre-THE AVENGERS and post-THE AVENGERS.  When that film was released in 2012 to record-breaking grosses, a sea change began.  Quite simply: superhero franchises and franchise-friendly projects began even more viable and desirable.  By carefully releasing individual superhero films like IRON MAN 1-3, CAPTAIN AMERICA 1 & 2, and THOR 1&2 to set up and continue the events in THE AVENGERS, Marvel Studios was creating a specific Universe that they bet audiences would invest in.  

They were right.  So successful was this gamble that other franchises are following suit.  MAN OF STEEL will be followed by BATMAN VS SUPERMAN next year - and after that is rumored to be JUSTICE LEAGUE.  Even the James Bond Franchise seems to be taking a page out of this playbook by attempting to link the upcoming SPECTRE's events with SKYFALL, QUANTUM OF SOLACE, and CASINO ROYALE, as evidenced by the trailers and the appearance of Mr. White (Jesper Christensen) in them.  

The unfortunate side effect of THE AVENGERS Universe's massive success, however, is that standalone projects that aren't franchise-ready will likely fall by the wayside as studios try to find the next cash cow franchise.  That's what my friend meant with his comment about "Pre-and-Post Avengers Hollywood."  In the Post-Avengers Hollywood era, any project without superheroes in it or franchise potential will likely have an even rougher going of it than they already do.  So, maybe the sucess of the THE AVENGERS and its related films are both a blessing a bit of a curse - but that is a much longer discussion.  For another time.

For now, let's just say that AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is a worthy sequel to THE AVENGERS that even manages to edge past its predecessor a little, excitement-wise.  What I like about this cast of characters is how fun and humorous they are, like a group of close-knit friends who have long-since developed an affable short-hand with one another.  Despite all the kinetic action scenes and whizz-bang effects, this movie is best when focusing on the interplay and dynamics of Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanov, Thor, Steve Rogers, and company.  The best scene is a cocktail party and the hours right after it wherein The Avengers and their pals just hang out and riff on one another.  

This is a much more enjoyable group of people to spend time with than that OTHER superhero ensemble franchise.  Compare this crew with the more dour and gloomy characters of the X-MEN franchise.  Sorry, but I'll take Tony, Bruce, Natshasa, Steve, et al, over Professor Xavier and his pack of Debbie Downers anyday.  Just being honest.  
Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, and Samuel Jackson are as likable as before.  

They are joined this time by newcomers-to-the-franchise Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, as morally-ambiguous supertwins Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver.  Olsen holds her own against her more established stars, and Taylor-Johnson fares much better in this smaller role than he did as the main lead of GODZILLA last year.  The difference is this time he's playing someone with personality.  In GODZILLA, he wasn't.  The beautiful Claudia Kim also gets a nice-sized role as Dr. Helen Cho, who proves to be helpful to both The Avengers and Ultron.  It's nice to see an Asian character make her mark in this franchise and lend some added diversity to the cast.  

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON also trumps THE AVENGERS' noisy climax in New York by giving us a less frenetic, but also more suspenseful one involving an Italian city that actually detaches from the Earth and rises up into the sky - then threatening to drop from space and cause an Extinction-Level Event similar to an asteroid hitting Earth.  It is the action-highlight of the film, and will be hard to top in the next film.
All in all, a very good sequel that is a bit better than the original.  That's a rare thing these days...

Spotlight On: SPECTRE...

Just a quick preview of the two teaser trailers for the upcoming 24th James Bond adventure, SPECTRE.  The film is due to be released in the U.S. in November, and a week later in the rest of the world.

SPECTRE co-stars Lea Seydoux, Christoph Waltz, Dave Bautista, and the lovely Italian siren Monica Belluci making history as the oldest Bond Lady at 50.  You wouldn't know it to look at her, though.  Go, Monica...

Series regulars Ralph Fiennes, Naomi Harris, Ben Whishaw, and Rory Kinnear make welcome returns, as well, supporting our boy 007.  

Without further ado, we present...  SPECTRE.

SUMMER 2015 MOVIE REVIEWS

Hello, folks...  With the posting of our last Spring 2015 Movie Review, THE AGE OF ADALINE, we will begin adding our Summer 2015 flicks.  Please expect the first batch of those to post by next weekend.   Those include:  AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, TOMORROWLAND, MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, SAN ANDREAS, ALOHA, JURASSIC WORLD, TED 2, and SPY.  

Please see the full Summer 2015 list below:

# 609 - AVENGER: AGE OF ULTRON

# 610 - TOMORROWLAND

# 611 - MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

# 612 - SAN ANDREAS

# 613 - ALOHA

# 614 - JURASSIC WORLD

# 615 - SPY 

# 616 - TED 2

# 617 - MAGIC  MIKE XXL

# 618 - TERMINATOR: GENISYS

# 620 - MINIONS

# 621 - THE GALLOWS

# 622 - ANTMAN

# 623 - TRAINWRECK

# 624 - PAPER TOWNS

# 625 - PIXELS

# 626 - VACATION

# 627 - MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION

# 628 - FANTASTIC FOUR

# 629 - THE GIFT

# 630 - THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

# 631 - UNDERDOGS

Have  wonderful summer, folks!!!

# 608 - THE AGE OF ADALINE

THE AGE OF ADALINE (2015 - ROMANCE / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****  OR  7 out of 10

(Adaline, girl, just own it already...)

CAST:  Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Harrison Ford, Kathy Baker, Ellen Burstyn, Amanda Crew, Anthony Ingruber.  

DIRECTOR: Lee Toland Krieger

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and the biggest non-issue ever in the History of Science and The World - straight ahead)   

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Recently, we reviewed three films that are prime examples of what we like to call the "What-Exactly-Is-The-Fucking-Problem-Here? Movie".  Essentially, these films pivot around protagonists who whine and cry and act like they have problems - when in reality they should be thanking their lucky stars for the windfalls that have come their way.

First we had THE BOY NEXT DOOR (review # 602), wherein cougar lady Claire Petersen (Jennifer Lopez) hemmed and hawed because of her one-night-stand with the 19-year old hottie (Ryan Guzman) living next door, leading to some unnecessary drama when she dumped him instead of, you know, continuing to milk his nutsac.  Then we had INDECENT PROPOSAL (review #603) wherein a lovely L.A. couple that looks like Demi Moore and Woodly Harrelson found themselves in dire financial straits - only to be offered $1,000,000 by a studly billionaire who looks like Robert Redford, for one night with the wife.  Unbelievably, it took our lovely couple a whole agonizing 8 hours to think it over.  With that  many zeros, I would have screamed "Hell, yes sir!!!!!" in two seconds.  

Then we had FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (review # 604), where we watched as mousy, shy English Literature major Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) entered into a steamy, cat-and-mouse affair with the mysterious and seriously hot billionaire tycoon, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).  Unfortunately, Anastasia found out that Christian was into more than just some light petting when it comes to foreplay - and wasn't sure if she should continue banging him.  Basically, any reasonable person's reaction to THE BOY NEXT DOOR, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and FIFTY SHADES OF GREY would be somewhere along the lines of "What.  Exactly.  Is.  The. Fucking.  Problem. Here?"

We had a bit of break from "What Exactly Is The Fucking Problem Here" movies for awhile, but now we're back smack dab in the middle of another one.  Our next review is THE AGE OF ADALINE, and it's about a lovely blonde chick named Adaline Bowman (Blake Lively) who was born in, like, 1900 or something.  She was struck by lightning while submerged in a frozen Northern California creek in the middle of Christmas (I beg of you, don't ask) in 1925 which led to her... never aging again a single day and living forever and always looking like she's 25.  Basically, because of that lightning strike Adaline will eternally and perpetually resemble Blake Lively in her luscious prime - forever and ever and ever - and never ever ever die.  

Do you see where I am going with this, folks?  If not, let me spell it out for you:  "What.  Exactly.  Is.  The. Fucking.  Problem. Here?"

That's right.  Most of us would kill to have this "problem".  Not our Adaline, though, who in the movie's most unbelievable scene is concerned and disturbed when a traffic cop questions why her driver's license says she's 45 but she still looks like Blake Lively in her luscious prime.  He confiscates her driver's license and tells her to go to the police precinct the next day with her birth certificate to prove she really is who she says she is and is still smokin' hot at the age of 45.  Hilariously, Adaline's reaction is to go home, pack her bags, say goodbye to her family, move to another state, and change her goddamn identity.  

I swear I turned to my buddy and asked: "What the hell is she doing?" 
Folks, I not only would've shown up the next day at the police precinct with my birth certificate, but I would have also invited all my family, friends, and called a press conference with the national and international media - to show the world that, yes, I'm still hot at 45 and could pass for twenty years younger.  Adaline, however, seems to think that being agelessly gorgeous is a bad thing.  Oh, whatever. 

Anyhow, so begins Adaline's many years and decades of moving from place to place, changing her identity as she goes, never staying in one city for too long, running away anytime anybody gets too close to her - apparently lest anyone realize that she's, well, immortal.  I'm sorry but couldn't she just fucking tell them, I don't know, that Clinique really, really, REALLY works for her?  Hell, maybe she could be a spokesmodel for a skin care company and profit from her freak-of-nature status.  What the fuck is the problem here?  Ay, madre de dios, Adaline...

Hell, even her daughter Flemming (Ellen Burstyn) tells Adaline to just kick up her heels and relax already.  It's also my sad duty to report that Flemming apparently didn't inherit Adaline's ability to stay young forever.  Nope, she's basically going to age like the rest of us and get more and more wrinkly as time goes on - unlike her mom who looks she just got done feasting on the blood of an entire village of virgins.  But, hey, whatever it takes to keep getting carded at clubs and bars, I guess.  

You see, Adaline's desire is to grow old with someone.  "Without that, love is just heartbreak..." she touchingly tells Flemming at one point.  To which I gently responded, "Horseshit - just pretend to be his trophy wife when he starts to go bald and blind."  Why is it that the ability to stay young forever is gifted to someone who doesn't have the first fucking clue what to do with it?  And not to someone like me or Paris Hilton or the Guidos of the Jersey Shore who would have some very definite ideas of how we would run with that shit?  

But I digress.  At any rate, Adaline makes it to 2015, still looking as hot and fuckable as Blake Lively in her luscious prime. Continually watching her family and friends wither up like prunes under the summer sun, while she herself remains a plump and moist as, well, Blake Lively in her luscious prime.  Boo hoo. Too bad so sad. Cry me a river.  

To be fair, though, Adaline seems to take this all quite well.  That is, until one day she meets a hot bearded architect named Ellis Jones (Michiel Huisman) who from the first moment he lays eyes on Adaline, makes it clear that he wants to be her Dad-deh.  Oh, sure...  Adaline plays hard-to-get for awhile, but eventually it becomes clear that she does want her ass spanked by Ellis and agrees to date him.  This eventually leads to Adaline accompanying Ellis to meet his parents.  Which, for Adaline, is some serious shit.  Think about it:  she's actually at least 50 years older than Ellis' parents.  How's that for a mindfuck. 

Things get even more hilarious when it turns out (and I swear I'm not making this up) that Ellis's dad, William (Harrison Ford), used to fuck Adaline when he was in his twenties in Europe.  "You look EXACTLY like this old friend of mine! We were VERY CLOSE!" William breathlessly tells Adaline in the presence of his wife, Kathy (Kathy Baker), whose expression clearly says "I bet the bitch was more than just an old friend..."  Hmmmmm, I have a feeling someone's going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.  

Adaline covers up by saying that she is the, um, daughter of the woman who William fucked in his twenties.  Probably a lot safer than saying that she's, well, actually the woman he fucked in his twenties - and she stayed young and he grew up to be wrinkled but still kind of hot Harrison Ford.  Not with Kathy standing right there, shooting daggers from her eyes and breathing hotly through her nose.  

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, eh, Adaline?  

So... how will this mindfuck of a soap opera end?  Will Adaline 'fess up and tell Ellis her secret?   Will she reveal to William that she is actually the girl he fell in love with in his twenties?  Or will Adaline do what she has done well for the last century: run away when someone gets too close to her heart?  

Adaline, dear... some advice: burn your running shoes and stand by your man.  You'll thank me later....


BUT SERIOUSLY:  In May, two films with the word "Age" in their titles were released within a week of one another.  The first is the ultra-high-budget Event Film AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, which is sequel to the equally big-budget Event Film from two years ago, THE AVENGERS.  The second film is our next review, THE AGE OF ADALINE.  These two films couldn't be more different from each other.  

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is a full-blooded SuperHero Movie, the kind of blockbuster film meant for summer and big crowds.  THE AGE OF ADALINE, on the other hand, probably has only a fraction of AGE OF ULTRON's budget, is a character-oriented love story, and definitely not a SuperHero Movie - although its protagonist does have a special power: the ability to stay young forever.  In this respect, the film has some similarities to the THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, which also deals with someone who is not aging normally in low-key manner.  

Blake Lively brings the right amount of winsome melancholy and cool resilience to the central role of Adaline Bowman and holds her own against more experienced co-stars like Ellen Burstyn, Harrison Ford, and Kathy Baker, who deliver strong work here.  It's important that whoever plays Adaline can be "timeless" and not too much of the modern era, even when she's surrounded by cars and IPhones.  Lively effectively conveys Adaline's "old soul" quality through small inflections of voice, expression, and movement, making her always seem like a fish out of water.  She makes a tricky role work, and even though the film is more of a love story than an actual character study, she makes us care about Adaline and her plight. 

Michiel Huisman is a nice, unexpected presence as Ellis, the man who finally makes Adaline choose between running and staying.  Huisman was similarly engaging in his much smaller role as a soldier in WORLD WAR Z, and it's nice to see him get a larger-sized role as the male lead this time.  Then there's Anthony Ingruber who resembles Harrison Ford to such a remarkable extent that he was sought out to star in this film to play the younger version of Ford's character.  Ingruber reportedly got his start posting Han Solo and Indiana Jones impersonations on YouTube.  It's also nice to see him finally get his due.  Let's hope this leads to other work for Ingruber.   

To sum up, THE AGE OF ADALINE is a film whose modest success at the box office recently is a nice reminder that films don't have to have mega-budgets and spandex-clad superheroes to draw audiences to the box-office.  Sometimes, you just want to take a break from all the explosions and special effects - and get lost in a good old-fashioned love story, which is what the excellent trailer promises and the actual film delivers.  

# 607 - CINDERELLA

CINDERELLA (2015 - FAMILY / ROMANCE) *** out of *****  OR  6 out of 10

(If I had to wear those glass heels, I would jump off a bridge...)

CAST:  Lily James, Richard Madden, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Hayley Atwell, Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger, Nonso Anonzie, Stellan Skarsgaard, Ben Chaplin, Derek Jacobie.  

DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather uncomfortable footwear - straight ahead....)

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Ah, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE...  Is there a shittier romantic comedy out there?  Oh, sure, there probably are ones that are technically worse.  But none of them got the big-budget, glossy Hollywood treatment that this movie did, became an inexplicable box-office hit, and still somehow remains a truly crappy and stupid film.  Too bad, too, because the premise of a heartbroken Baltimore widower pouring his heart out on a national radio show, and being overheard by an adrift Seattle woman - and suddenly feeling in her heart that he is her soulmate and seeking him out against her better judgement - is a promising premise.  

It's the execution that fucking sucked.  Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan feel like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan saying lines and mugging shamelessly for the camera - without registering even a single authentic moment, individually or between them.  Nora Ephron's writing and directing feels smug and calculated.  And worse: Ryan's kooky, ditzy, highly ill-advised performance makes her character feel more like a creepy, scary, shallow stalker and less like a confused intelligent woman who doesn't understand what she's feeling but knows she must do something ASAP - or risk losing something great.  All in all, in my opinion, despite its commercial success, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE was a major bust.  Too bad, because a different director with a more no-nonsense sensibility, and leads who were interested in actually "acting" and playing full-blooded human beings might have turned the movie into something worthwhile that actually deserved success.  Basically, both Ephron and Ryan had a lot of 'Cinderella' on the brain. 

Which brings us to our next review...

Ah, Cinderella...  is there a more egregious fairy tale out there designed to fool little girls into thinking someday their prince will come?  Not really.  Don't get me wrong: I'm no cynic and I actually do believe in soulmates.  But I am also a pragmatic realist.  As I told a friend, in this world there are two kinds of people: (1) people you are compatible with; and (2) people you are not compatible with.   Within each of those two groups, you will find varying degrees of compatibility and incompatibility.  The ones that rank the highest in each group is (1) your true soulmate; and (2) your worst enemy.  

The issue is this: the chances that you will meet that person (or persons) who is (are) the most compatible with you is like winning the lottery.  If you're lucky, you will encounter someone who is, like, number 1,256 on the compatibility list - meaning you get along reasonably well and like the same things and can be around each other without eventually plotting the other's death.  The fact of the matter is, the chances of meeting the number 1 person on the compatibility list (or even anyone in the Top 100) are astronomical.  

Truth is, your true soulmate may be a goat-herder in Nepal or a corporate executive in Shanghai or a lounge singer in Karachi - someone you will likely never cross paths with.  Ever.  The fact is, most people will settle for someone in the, oh, Top 5000.  Which, given how many people there are in the world, isn't really bad.  Hell, if you're ending up with someone in the top 1,000,000 you're probably doing okay. Bottom line: the chances that your number 1 compatible person is your next door neighbor or someone who works a few floors down from you or rides the same bus to work every day is a bazillion-gazillion-kazillion to one.  In short, most people settle for someone who is SOMEWHERE on their compatibility list - but very few actually find THE NUMBER ONE.  

Nope, I believe soulmates do exist.  The problem is how Cinderella and other fairy tales condition kids to think they will actually meet them.  Sorry to say, but your kiddies are going to have settle for some runner-ups - just like you did.  Just keeping it real.  And even that's not bad, so don't worry.  Just have fun and wish your Nepalese goat-herder  or Chinese corporate executive or Karachian lounge singer well - and live your lives.  Just don't let your kids buy into the fairy tale bullshit.  

Which brings us to CINDERELLA, which is like SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE but a lot more tolerable because everyone is actually being sincere and dedicated instead of stupid and ditzy like in that other movie.  You know the drill: Cinderella (Lily James) is orphaned and her Pops (Ben Chaplin) marries a conniving bitch (Cate Blanchett) with two daughters who are basically conniving-bitches-in-training (Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger).  Pops suddenly dies (oh, poo) and Connving Bitch Stepmother basically turns Cinderella into a slave for her and her two venomous offspring.  

Oh, yeah, and there's a prince who is supposed to be Cinderella's number one True Soulmate.  How convenient (and unbelievable) that Prince Charming (Richard Madden) just happens to live next door.  And how unfortunate that he goes around wearing tight white pants and thigh-high boots.  If I were Cinderella, I would confirm that he's not actually a princess.  I've seen Pride Parade dancers in manlier clothing.  Meow. 
Oh, and there's also some big ball that Cinderella wants to go to, but obviously doesn't have the wardrobe for.  Something her Conniving Bitch Stepmother so sweetly points out.  Fortunately, Cinderella's kindness to the rodents that live in her attic (don't ask) pays off and is rewarded with a visit from her Fairy Godmother (Helena Bonham-Carter) - who basically gives her a PRETTY WOMAN-style makeover and sends her off to the ball to stir some shit up.

One thing that Cinderella definitely stirs up is a boner from Prince Charming himself.  Which, given his campy circus showgirl attire earlier, is a bit of a surprise to me.  Maybe he's turned on by her evening gown and glass high heel shoes.  Anyway, they have a blast dancing despite Prince Charming still wearing those tight white leggings and thigh-high dominatrix boots and Cinderella wearing an Atlantic Ocean of blue taffeta.  But, as with all awesome evenings, this one too comes to an end - and Cinderella runs off into the night.  Leaving - you guessed it - a glass high heel shoe that looks like the textbook definition of foot torture.  

Determined to find the other glass high heel shoe (so he can presumably wear them to go clubbing) Prince Charming orders a search of the entire kingdom to find Cinderella.  Of course, it's distinctly possible that Prince Charming actually wants Cinderella and not her other glass shoe.  But come on - would you get a load of those skintight pants?  Even RuPaul would give it a second thought.  

So...  will Prince Charming find Cinderella and the other shoe?  Or will Conniving Bitch Stepmother and her two daughters fuck everything up?  What will these hos do to make Prince Charming their own?  Should they maybe hold out for someone with more testosterone in his nutsac?  Does Prince Charming even have a nutsac?  
Five words:  just look at those pants...


BUT SERIOUSLY:  A faithful retelling of the Cinderella fairy tale, CINDERELLA has just enough charm, humor, and spectacle to rate above the average mark.  Director Kenneth Branagh's work is competent if not especially noteworthy, and the cast is uniformly solid.  As with Branagh's direction, they hit all their required marks, only occasionally giving something extraordinary.  

Lily James is okay as Cinderella, and brings the same sweetness and presence she had in DOWNTON ABBEY.  Unfortunately, she isn't really given much to do with the character beyond smile and be kind and occasionally cry.  Then again, Cinderella (as with most other fairy tale heroines) doesn't really have much depth to her.  It would've been nice, though, for the script to have built in other layers for James to play.  

This is the case with the terrific Cate Blanchett as Cinderella's wicked stepmother.  There are some nice moments wherein Blanchett is allowed to express some nuances through expressions and glances alone.  An example is the scene wherein her character overhears Cinderella's father telling his daughter than he will love no one more than her.  The way Blanchett plays her character's hurt non-verbal reaction to this is touching.  

The same is true of the final confrontation between Cinderella and her stepmother.  Both James and Blanchett do themselves proud in this subtle scene.  Unfortunately, there aren't many other moments where these actresses are given a chance to do something unexpected.  Then again, as mentioned above, this may due to the inherent limitations of the fairy tale format.  

The best moment in the film, though, is the scene where Prince Charming's father (Derek Jacobi) dies - and the Prince say goodbye to him.  The shot of the prince lying next to the dying King, curled up like a little boy while clasping his hand, is heartbreaking.  Indeed, all of the most powerful scenes in this film are the ones played only with gestures, actions, and expressions.  Had there been more of these, the film would've rated higher than above average.  

All in all, though, CINDERELLA is a reasonably enjoyable family film that send a good message about courage and kindness to the kiddies.  It manages to add some nice touches to the familiar story without radically changing it - although the filmmakers could have had a bit more fun with the formula.  Still, it's definitely worth a look.