THE BOY NEXT DOOR (2015 - THRILLER) *1/2 out of ***** OR 3 out of 10
(Why the fuck don't my next door neighbors look like this guy?)
CAST: Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, Kristen Chenoweth, Ian Nelson, Hill Harper, Lexi Atkins, Adam Hicks
DIRECTOR: Rob Cohen
(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one stupid bitch making things more complicated than they should be - straight ahead...)
IT'S LIKE THIS: There's a sub-genre of film that I like to call the "Artificial Dilemma Movie." Or, more accurately, the "What Exactly Is The Fucking Problem Here? Movie." Basically, in these films, the protagonists hem and haw over some allegedly horrible scenario that you or I would actually welcome with open arms in real life - and have absolutely no issue with. Our next three reviews are prime examples of the "Artificial Dilemma/What Exactly Is The Fucking Problem Here? Movie."
They are THE BOY NEXT DOOR, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY. In all three of these films, we have main characters who bitch and moan about some awful pickle they're supposedly in - when in reality they should be celebrating and gargling tequila while doing victory fist-pumps in the air. Or, as I said at least twenty times while watching each of these films: "What exactly is the fucking problem here?"
Out of these three flicks, the shittiest one is THE BOY NEXT DOOR. J.Lo plays Claire Peterson, a cuckolded mother and teacher who begins boning Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman), the hot 19-year-old who lives next door. But then she has a crisis of conscience and tries to pull the "wish-you-well-have-a-great-life-best-of-luck-don't-call-me-I'll call you" routine on him. Only problem is, Mr. Boy Toy will not be discarded that easily. Sure enough, he's popping over to J.Lo's, er, Jenny From The Block's, er, Claire's house unannounced and dropping hints of their illicit fuck-a-thon to her cheating husband Garrett (John Corbett) and her wimpy-ass son Kevin (Ian Nelson) - just to fuck with Claire and humiliate her.
Clearly, Noah has been boning up on movies like PLAY MISTY FOR ME, FATAL ATTRACTION, and UNLAWFUL ENTRY. Glad to know he's boning up on something besides J.Lo, er Jenny From The Block, er, Claire.
Speaking of PLAY MISTY FOR ME, FATAL ATTRACTION, and UNLAWFUL ENTRY, I should point out that, in addition to being an example of a "What Exactly Is The Fucking Problem Here? Movie", THE BOY NEXT DOOR is also a throwback to yet another sub-genre of the Thriller Genre that thrived in cinemas in the late-80s and early-90s: the "Fill-In-The-Blank-From-Hell Thriller." Essentially, in these thrillers, the hero or heroine meets and befriends a person who initially seems likable and sympathetic - but who then rapidly turns into a cross between the Kraken from CLASH OF THE TITANS and the velociraptors from JURASSIC PARK.
Basically, PLAY MISTY FOR ME was the "One-Night-Stand-From-Hell Thriller". FATAL ATTRACTION was the "Two-Night-Stand-From-Hell Thriller". UNLAWFUL ENTRY was the "LAPD-Cop-From-Hell Thriller". THE TEMP was the "Secretary-From-Hell Thriller". SINGLE WHITE FEMALE was the "Roommate-From-Hell Thriller". THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE was the "Nanny-From-Hell Thriller". FEAR was the "Boyfriend-From-Hell Thriller". PACIFIC HEIGHTS was the "Tenant-From-Hell Thriller". LAKEVIEW TERRACE and ARLINGTON ROAD were the "Neighbors-From-Hell Thrillers". THE RESIDENT was the "Landlord-From-Hell Thriller".
And now, with the arrival of THE BOY NEXT DOOR, we finally have the entry that I have been waiting for my whole life: the "Boy-Toy-From-Hell Thriller". Terrorize me, you big stud...
Unfortunately, Claire isn't a freak like me who doesn't mind being stalked as long as my stalker looks like Ryan Guzman or Theo James. Nope, she runs around wringing her hands and whining to her irritating best pal Vicky (Kristin Chenoweth) that she should never have slept with Noah, despite him looking exactly like, you know, Ryan Guzman. I have to be honest and tell you that I spent 3/4ths of this movie squeezing my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose, and shaking my head while saying those words: "What. Exactly. Is the. Fucking problem. Here?"
Anyway, if you've seen PLAY MISTY FOR ME, FATAL ATTRACTION, UNLAWFUL ENTRY and the rest of their brethren, you pretty much know that Noah is increasingly angered by Claire's decision to keep their relationship platonic (e.g., sweaty rumpy-pumpy and boning-free). This leads him to basically do the following: call her up over and over again, show up in her class as a student, and - my favorite - releasing still images of the secret sex tape he made of them. Claire, for some reason, is especially horrified about this last bit. I, on the other hand, was all like: "Girl, you need to just own it. If I was on a sex tape with a guy who looked like Ryan Guzman, I would be giving interviews."
But, like I said, Claire is not a freak like me and decides to, you know, fight back. Fucking yawn, Claire. Boooooooooring.
So... will Noah ever stop terrorizing Claire and just accept that she doesn't want to continue their Boning Marathon? Or will her avoidance of him actually motivate him more? Will Garrett intervene? Or will Noah make mincemeat out of him? And what happens when Noah strikes up a friendship with Kevin? Is he using Kevin to get to Claire? And the most important question of all: is Claire the dumbest woman in the Western Hemisphere for breaking up with someone who looks like Ryan Guzman?
Survey says: "Hell, Yes." And let's be honest here: can you really call Claire a cougar when she looks younger than the 19-year-old she's fucking? Don't think so....
Should've just kept fucking him on the Down Low, Claire. Stupid, stupid bitch...
Oh, and please find below the trailers for our next two reviews. Like THE BOY NEXT DOOR, they have characters who act like they are in bad situation - when they're really not. In INDECENT PROPOSAL, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson play a cash-strapped couple who are desperate to save their house from foreclosure - but then receive an offer from a handsome billionaire who looks like Robert Redford of $1,000,000 for just one night with Moore's character. Inexplicably, our dense couple don't know what to do. Duh, folks....
Then, in FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY, Dakota Johnson plays a mousy Seattle chick who is drawn into a wildly passionate and torrid affair with a gorgeous billionaire who looks like Jamie Dornan - but doesn't know if she should stay with him because he's into spanking, bondage, public sex, and other kinky stuff.
Altogether now: "What exactly is the fucking problem here?"
Let's just say that if I was in these movies, I'd be having a threesome with Robert Redford and Jamie Dornan. In a heartbeat...
BUT SERIOUSLY: Despite a respectable central performance from the ever-reliable and eternally-lovely Jennifer Lopez, THE BOY NEXT DOOR is a remarkably dull and mediocre film. Here is a suspense/thriller that is almost entirely devoid of either suspense or thrills. Part of the problem is that the premise of the story is thoroughly stale and the execution utterly uninspired. All the story beats of this kind of thriller have been done before - and done much better. You have to wonder if director Rob Cohen and the producers were hoping no one would remember far superior similar films like FATAL ATTRACTION and UNLAWFUL ENTRY.
Had their even been a trace of danger and menace in the story, THE BOY NEXT DOOR might have rated on the average mark with a passing grade. However, Noah Sandborn as played by Ryan Guzman, is flat and one-note, and is distinctly unthreatening - except for one scene discussed below. Guzman is one handsome guy but he doesn't really sell the character. To be fair, the script doesn't really attempt to flesh out Noah's backstory and pathology, and Guzman doesn't have much to work with. You could argue that a true talent takes what little there is on the page, and makes it sing. However, that's not being fair to Guzman who is fairly new to the acting scene after having been a model for several years.
The one scene that offers a hint that Guzman is capable of doing more with better material is the sequence where he is confronted by Kristin Chenoweth's principal character, Vicky. She tries to intimidate him with threats of expulsion - but Noah suddenly turns the tables on her. With just a few intense, well-chosen words, he cuts her down to size - shaking her to the core and effectively destroying her. Guzman nails this scene and its psychological impact - and it seems to promise a stronger third act where Noah finally shapes up to be a truly formidable baddie.
Unfortunately, the third act of THE BOY NEXT DOOR is its worst element. The climax plays out in such a completely unsurprising, by-the-numbers way that it almost feels like a parody of all the similar, much better thrillers that came before, from FATAL ATTRACTION all the way to the most recent "Fill-In-The-Blank-From-Hell Thriller": THE RESIDENT. I mentioned to my buddy afterward that it felt like we were watching the end of a Scooby-Doo episode. His response: "That's an insult to the Scooby-Doo cartoons."
Another huge reason this movie fails is because no one comes across as a believable human being. Instead, we feel like we're watching movie characters being manipulated like pawns by a tired script. Contrast this shortcoming with the characters in FATAL ATTRACTION - who felt like living, breathing, quirky, multi-dimensional people. Michael Douglas and Anne Archer were heartbreakingly believable as the besieged couple. Even Glenn Close's villainess was portrayed with nuance and pathos, resulting in a tragic figure who was irredeemable but still human. In THE BOY NEXT DOOR, we instead have caricatures and ciphers - and banal ones, at that.
In the end, THE BOY NEXT DOOR is a movie that is undeserving of Jennifer Lopez's presence. She's much better than this material, and hopefully Ryan Guzman will move on to better showcases, because he also deserves better.
