# 458 - BATTLESHIP (2012)

BATTLESHIP (2012 - ACTION) *** out of *****

(The United States Navy. It's not just a job - it's a fucking adventure...)




CAST: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgaard, Liam Neeson, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Adam Godley, Gregory Gadson.

DIRECTOR: Peter Berg

WARNING: Some SPOILERS one really unexpected interpretation of your not-so-favorite board game - straight ahead.




IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember that game that everyone (well, most of us anyway) liked when you were a kid? The one where you used a lot round pegs to simulate naval warfare? The one where you were basically randomly guessing coordinates like some fucked-up version of Bingo? The one that would occasionally result in you screaming: "Bitch, you sunk my Battleship - now I'm gonna sink yours! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"? You know which game I'm talking about: the one called, uh, "Battleship"?

Well, someone decided to take that game, fuse it with the plots of BATTLE: LOS ANGELES, SPECIES, and any TRANSFORMER flick of your choice, dump 'em all in a blender, hit "puree", and BAM! The result? BATTLESHIP: THE MOVIE. Except, instead of having your crafty brother or sister as an opponent, you have aliens as enemies. Yes, folks... aliens. I guess humans aren't the only ones with high-tech naval technology. Not if this movie is anything to go by.

The fun starts in Honolulu, Hawaii which, as far as I'm concerned, is where all movies should be set. Seems the U.S. Navy is just about to kick off RIMPAC, which is some sort of international exercise where the naval forces of 13 different countries mix it up in a bunch of war games. Right now, you're probably all like, "well, so far, so similar to the game." And, normally, I'd agree with you - except we are told that some dumbass scientists led by Dr. Nogrady (Adam Godley) and Dr. Zapata (Hamish Linklater) have recently sent an invitation into deep space to an Earth-like planet they have called (and I swear I am not making this up) "Planet G". It seems Planet G has a high chance of being able to support life - and so our rocket scientists (actual rocket scientists, this time, but no less stupid) have sent an intergalactic Evite to beckon them to visit.
Now, with a name like "Planet G", you'd expect a whole planet of sexy-as-fuck Guidos to jump into spaceship and show up on our doorstep, ready to party their asses off. But, no... it is my sad duty to disappoint you by saying these visitors are - how to put this sensitively? - ugly as sin. They look more like a cross between Gollum from the HARRY POTTER movies and a gorilla - which would explain the "Planet G" title, I guess. Sigh.

Anyhow, in an act roughly comparable to inviting someone into your house, only to watch them systematically tear it apart, the aliens promptly show up and proceed to wreak all sorts of shit on our turf. For starters, they: (1) blow-up Hong Kong, (2) set up a massive force field in the seas off Oahu, (3) blow up most of the battleships participating in RIMPAC, and (4) generally behave like the Houseguests From Hell. Thanks, Nogrady and Zapata. Assholes.

All is not lost, though, because several participants in RIMPAC (and a couple of civilians) decide they ain't taking this shit lying down. Especially not from a bunch of space cretins who look like the bastard children of Gollum and a Gorilla. The are: (1) USN Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), you basic reckless hothead; (2) USN Commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgaard), Alex's big bro and your basic wise mentor; (3) PO Cora Raikes (Rihanna), your basic hottie with a weapon; (4) Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), your basic hot admiral's civilian daughter whom Alex is fucking; (5) USN Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), Samantha's pops and your basic overprotective father; (6) JN Captain Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano), your basic asshole-who-turns-nice; and last but in no way the least: (7) USN Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales (Gregory Gadson), pissed-off vet who was medically-retired for losing both his legs - which is why he's pissed off.

Will these folks be able to surmount the alien threat? What the fuck do the visitors from Planet G want anyhow? Is this anyway to respond to a polite invitation to visit planet Earth? Who will be the one to teach these assholes a lesson in inter-galactic manners? Alex? Stone? Cora? Samantha? Admiral Shane? Yugi? Mick? Or will the saviors of planet Earth be someone else? If so, who? WHO, GODDAMNIT, WHO!?!

Who cares. This is a movie based on a board game, folks. Let's keep some perspective.














































BUT, SERIOUSLY: If there was ever a film that had an uphill battle, it's BATTLESHIP. From the moment it was announced that director Peter Berg (VERY BAD THINGS, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, THE KINGDOM) was helming an adaptation of the beloved board game, with a cast that included several hot newcomers (Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgaard, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker) and one reliable vet (Liam Neeson), the knives were out. I'm not sure if it's because most folks objected to the idea of using a fairly simple, straightforward board game as the basis for a feature-length film, or Berg and co.'s decision to turn the story into yet another TRANSFORMERS-style alien invasion flick. In either case, there was very little goodwill extended to this project from the word "go." This negative buzz ultimately helped the film open weakly at the North American box-office. Or, rather, it didn't help.

Which is a shame, because BATTLESHIP is actually a decent action film. No, it isn't original. No, it won't win any Academy Awards anytime soon. No, it's not even the best of its kind out there. But it is still a slightly above-average entry into the "Mechanized Alien Invasion" sub-genre popularized by TRANSFORMERS and BATTLE: LOS ANGELES. Credit must be given to Berg's assured direction and his attractive and charismatic cast. They may not be striking new ground with the story and their characters, but they make it an entertaining ride.

Taylor Kitsch is an okay lead. He actually gets better as the movie progresses, which I suppose is in tandem with Alex's arc from being just a reckless hothead to a reckless hothead who knows how to use his talents to lead others and save the day. Alexander Skargaard is a striking presence as Stone but unfortunately he (SPOILER ALERT) departs the action way too soon. Rihanna makes a solid debut as Cora Raikes, the tough Petty Officer who can hang with the boys and hold her own. Some quarters have knocked her for her acting here. The reality is she's fine - not great, not bad, but good enough and equal to the task.

As the other major female in the cast, Brooklyn Decker also holds her own as Samantha, Alex's star-crossed paramour. From watching the trailers for BATTLESHIP, we were afraid Samantha would be relegated to the "Fretting Girlfriend" role, and be stuck on the sidelines. Thankfully, the script gives her a reasonable amount to do - and even allows her to help save the day. Gregory Gadson is also effective as her comrade-in-arms. Gadson is a real-life vet, and he brings a certain authenticity to his role.

Liam Neeson is his usual solid self as Admiral Shane, who spends most of the movie cut off from the main action. The film's most engaging turn, however, comes from Japanese actor Tadanobu Asano as Captain Nagata, Alex's adversary who eventually becomes his most valuable ally. Their scenes of collaboration against the alien invaders are easily the film's best. Indeed, an extended sequence where Nagata realizes they can track and attack the aliens' coordinates despite their loss of radar, by using NOAA buoys that measure waves and water displacement, beautifully captures and mimics the gameplay of the original board game - and also becomes a grippingly suspenseful set-piece. Especially when the aliens realize their tactics - and turn the tables on them. This whole part of the film is the main reason it rates above the average mark.

Ultimately, BATTLESHIP is a victim of unwarranted negative hype that basically ensured it wouldn't make much of a dent at the North American summer box-office. Thankfully, the overseas earnings are quite solid, which should help its cred somewhat. It's not the most original film, but it knows what it wants to do: thrill and entertain. In that regard, it succeeds.

In closing, a snippet of Steve Jablonsky's dynamic score for BATTLESHIP. This track is called "Water Displacement" and it's the music that plays over Captain Nagata's "A-ha!" moment when he figures out how to use the NOAA buoys to track the movements of the aliens. Which leads to an exciting game of cat-and-mouse. Great music...

# 457 - CHERNOBYL DIARIES (2012)

CHERNOBYL DIARIES (2012 - HORROR / MYSTERY) *** out of *****

(Oh. You. Stupid. Tourists...)



CAST: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Dudley, Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal, Dmitri Diatchenko.

DIRECTOR: Brad Parker

WARNING: Some SPOILERS one exceptionally dumb group of tourists - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: In our review for the solid Philippine horror movie THE ROAD (review # 455), we talked about how teenagers are probably the stupidest creatures on Earth, given the boneheaded decisions they make in horror films that place them in extreme mortal danger. Well, turns out we were wrong. There is another group of people who, believe it or not, are even more clueless when it comes to the art of self-preservation: tourists. How else to explain the colossally asinine choices the protagonists of our latest review make? Our movie is CHERNOBYL DIARIES, and if you're wondering if it could possibly be somehow linked to the tragic nuclear meltdown at the Chernobyl nuclear plant in the Ukraine from the mid-80's, then my response is: "What was the first fucking clue?"

Anyhow, the set-up for CHERNOBYL DIARIES is no different from the set-up from dozens of other "Stupid Tourists Who Are Soon To Be Stupid Dead Meat" movies: (1) a group of young, sexy Americans (2) travel to some remote overseas location where (3) they decide to wander off the beaten path at which point they (4) get fucking killed by (5) something really nasty. It's not exactly a complicated equation, folks. Which is probably why its been recycled over and over again. Or maybe its just because people really do turn stupid when they go on vacation. How else do you explain me and my posse snorkeling on an Oahu reef known for (1) mega-force waves; (2) razor-sharp lava rocks; (3) vicious rip tides, and (4) a ten-foot Tiger shark we nicknamed Cassandra? There is no excuse folks: IQ points drop sharply when one is on holiday. And when those IQ points aren't too high to begin with (as in our case), that could be a problem.

Whatever. Our heroes (I use that term very loosely) are: (1) Chris (Jesse McCartney), goodie-goodie responsible dude; (2) Paul (Jonathan Sadowski), Chris' bad boy brotha who lives in Kiev; (3) Amanda (Devin Kelley), sexy brunette that Paul wants to fuck something fierce; and (4) Natalie (Olivia Dudley), cute blonde that Chris plans on marrying. Oh, wait... they also run into a traveling hippie couple: (5) Michael (Nathan Phillips), laid-back Aussie who should really shave that fucking goatee; and (6) Zoe (Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal), cheerful Norwegian chick who looks like Nicole Kidman's shorter twin sister.

Our six numbnuts recruit the services of Uri (Dmitria Diatchenko), a sketchy (to say the fucking least) tour guide who regularly arranges tours to Prypiat, a burg in the Northern Ukraine. What's so special about Prypiat? Not much - just that it used to house the 50,000 employees and family members of the... Chernobyl Nuclear Plant. When one of the reactors went tits up in April 1986, the whole place was evacuated within hours. The 50,000 residents had to leave all their stuff behind - and never returned. The result: not so much a ghost town, but a ghost city. Seriously, folks... the place is fucking creepy. Not to mention potentially radioactive.

So right about now you are probably asking yourself: "What kind of heretofore undiscovered and unclassified breed of moron would go to a place that is: (1) abandoned; (2) creepy as hell; and (3) possibly still radioactive?" I wish I could say that only horror movie characters do this, but apparently there are real-life tours to Prypiat. But I bet none of them had to contend with what Chris, Paul, and the rest of the disphits have to deal with. Specifically, a fight for survival that will not so much have you rooting for them to make it, but placing bets with your friends as to which idiot is going to get chomped on by the mysterious threat next.

The first sign that this is not the most brilliant of touring ideas is when Uri and his gang of walking dead dumbasses reach the Prypiat checkpoint manned by the Russian military. Uri is told by the soldiers that they cannot go to Prypiat that day because some, ahem, "maintenance work" is being done. "Zhat eeez straaange," says Uri in his best Russkie Bond Villain accent. "Because zhat place eeeeez dezerted. Zhis eeez very straaange." "Really? Ya Fuckin' Think?" was my response. However, instead of, you know, just turning the hell around and doing another Kiev pub crawl, our future rocket scientists decide to take a back road that Uri, rapidly shaping up to the worst tourist guide ever, suggests to them. Before you know it, our seven dumb shits are smack dab in the middle of downtown Prypiat which, I don't have to tell you, isn't exactly bustling.

After an afternoon spend doing the following: (1) exploring empty streets, (2) exploring empty amusement parks, (3) exploring empty high-rise apartments, (4) exploring empty restaurants, and last but not the least: (5) getting the living bejesus scared out of them by a form of stray wildlife normally associated with Alaska and Yellowstone National Park (you have to see it to believe it), our seven Mensa candidates finally decide it's a good time to get the fuck out of Dodge, er, Prypiat. One problem, though: something has chewed through the wires of their van's starter. Meaning they are now stranded. In Prypiat. The city of 50,000 ghosts. Now is your cue to laugh your asses off. We sure as hell did. I don't pretend to be the smartest asshole in the Universe, but even I know enough to stay the hell out of radioactive ghost towns.

Before you know it, all manner of strange shite begins to plague our "heroes": (1) they hear strange sounds and voices coming from the abandoned city; (2) Uri decides to play "hero" and goes looking for help, only to disappear into thin air (which, given how fat he is, is a major feat); (3) Chris gets bitten by "something" in the leg; (4) Paul, Amanda, and Michael go looking for help and get attacked by "something" in one of the kitchens; (5) a pack of rabid dogs that make Cujo look like Snoopy attack them; and last but definitely the funniest: (6) they all realize that they have landed smack dab in the middle of THE HILLS HAVE EYES IN THE UKRAINE. Not a good realization to have, folks...

So... what is hiding in the ruins of Prypiat? Mutated survivors from the meltdown in 1986? Bloodthirsty looters? Hooligans? Uri's family? More dogs? Something else? Who will live to tell the tale of this utterly foolish expedition? Chris? Paul? Amanda? Natalie? Michael? Zoe? Uri? Or are they all pretty much dead meat?

Whatever. Time to go scuba dive - which is what these dipshits should've done in the first place.























BUT, SERIOUSLY: Sometimes, an atmospheric and creepy setting can seriously elevate a horror film that might've been average or mediocre without it. Such is the case with our latest review, CHERNOBYL DIARIES, the semi-controversial follow-up by writer/director Oren Peli to his immensely-successful PARANORMAL ACTIVITY films. Here, Peli serves just as producer and co-writer, with first-time helmer Brad Parker talking the directorial reins. I used the term "semi-controversial" because there are quarters who strongly feel that Parker and Peli's use of a real-life tragedy (especially one as massive as the Chernobyl disaster) as the springboard for a horror movie is in poor taste and insensitive to the victims of the incident. While I can understand the concerns and partly agree with them, the fact remains that, from an objectively cinematic standpoint, the real-life ghost city of Prypiat is a supremely effective setting for a scary movie.

On April 26, 1986, Reactor # 4 of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant had a massive power surge during a systems test. Attempts to shutdown the reactor failed, and an even larger surge ultimately led to explosions - and the ensuing meltdown released massive plumes of radioactive smoke into the air: fallout. The nearby town of Prypiat, inhabited mainly by Chernobyl employees and their families, was evacuated within a matter of hours, with the inhabitants leaving most of their belongings behind. They never returned. To this day, the city of Prypiat (once home to approximately 50,000 people) is deserted. Now, 26 years later, the radiation levels in the area outside the reactor have reportedly fallen to acceptable levels - and Prypiat is gradually becoming an extreme tourist destination.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES cleverly uses (exploits?) the desolate, eerie environs of this once bustling community to tell yet another "Tourists in Mortal Danger" story. We've seen this type of premise in films like TURISTAS (tourists endangered in Brazil), THE RUINS (tourists endangered in Mexico), AND SOON THE DARKNESS (tourists endangered in Argentina), HOSTEL 1 and 2 (tourists endangered in Eastern Europe), and A PERFECT GETAWAY (tourists endangered in Hawaii). Here, though, we have elements of the "Backwoods/Rural Horror" sub-genre also mixed in. Elements of THE HILLS HAVE EYES, WRONG TURN, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE are also woven into the narrative, mainly an isolated setting and a vicious, mostly-unseen threat.

Director Brad Parker's milks his real-life ghost city setting for all the atmosphere and dread that it's worth. There is a genuinely unsettling feel to the sight of all those abandoned buildings, once filled with life and activity, but now consigned to the dust, shadows, and radiation. For the first two acts (and, frankly, most of the third act) of CHERNOBYL DIARIES, you can't help but be pulled under the movie's spell and share the characters' sense of awe and fear over their surroundings - and their growing terror after realizing they are stuck there for the duration. Then, when things "go bump in the night", things go even more downhill. There are some terrific setpieces here: (1) Paul, Amanda, and Michael's terrifying encounter in one of the kitchens, (2) the group encountering a lone child in the dark, and (3) the extended chase sequence through the tunnels below Prypiat that fills up most of the third act.

The reason CHERNOBYL DIARIES doesn't rate any higher than *** (above average) is because, as is typical to many horror films, the ultimate explanation of what the horror is fails to live up to the breathtaking build-up to it. The identity (or identities) of the threat stalking our heroes is a bit disappointing. This isn't because they aren't fully explained. After all, the scariest things are sometimes the ones left to the imagination. Rather, the resolution to CHERNOBYL DIARIES just doesn't make any sense. And, if taken seriously, it's almost offensive and truly insensitive to the Ukrainian government. Ultimately, CHERNOBYL DIARIES is hampered by its very weak ending. Which is a shame, because this film had the potential to be a classic horror film, despite (or, maybe, because of) its controversial subject matter. What we get instead is three-fourths of a good horror film.

The young cast is filled with some engaging faces. Singer Jesse McCartney is perfect for the role of the clean-cut good boy Chris, while Jonathan Sadowski is very appealing as the bad boy brother Paul. Sadowski's "sexy dork" personality is very useful in making Paul a lot more sympathetic than he could've been, making the character more of a goofy bad boy. Sadowski and McCartney are also touching and believable as brothers, especially in an early scene where Chris tells Paul he plans to propose to Natalie during their trip. Sadowski is also especially effective in a scene towards the end where Paul realizes the worst has happened to his Chris - and there's nothing he can do about it. Australian actor Nathan Phillips is likable as the equally likable Michael, who keeps a cool head despite all the horrors going on around them. Then there's Dmitri Diatchenko as the dubious tour guide Uri. Diatchenko is so believable in this role, you almost forget he's an actor acting.

Strangely for a horror film, the female characters of the film are not as distinct as the men: apart from their hair color, there seems to be very little to differentiate these women, personality-wise. Nevertheless, Devin Kelley, Olivia Dudley, and Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal still manage to make us care about what happens to Amanda, Natalie, and Zoe. I should also point out the relatively high presence of genre regulars in the cast: Jonathan Sadowski starred in the FRIDAY THE 13th remake, Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal was the heroine of the notable Norwegian slasher COLD PREY, and Nathan Phillips headlined in the Australian horror flicks DYING BREED and WOLF CREEK, as well as our own SNAKES ON A PLANE.

In the end, CHERNOBYL DIARIES is a genuinely creepy and frightening horror film that is severely hampered by an unsatisfying ending. Had co-writer/producer Oren Peli and director Brad Parker managed to come up with a stronger denouement, we might've had a horror flick for the ages. Still, given how most horror films these days fail to give us even a single solid act, the ability of CHERNOBYL DIARIES to keep us scared and engaged until almost the end is still something to praise.

# 456 - THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL

THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL (2012 - COMEDY / DRAMA) ****1/2 out of *****

(The Golden Girls. But British. In India. With The Golden Boys. Who are also British...)



CAST: Judi Dench, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith, Penelope Wilton, Celia Imrie, Ralph Pickup, Dev Patel,

DIRECTOR: John Madden

WARNING: Some SPOILERS one seriously quirky group of British codgers - straight ahtead....




IT'S LIKE THIS: What the fuck is it with Brits and India? Every UK-born person I know - whether friend, family, or acquaintance - has a boner for the Land Of Curry that makes my serious jones for Italy look like a mild hankering. Maybe it's because of India's colonial past that Britain has close ties to. Maybe it's because India is warm and inviting, while England is wet, drizzly, and clammy as a witch's tit most times of the year. Maybe it's because Indian cuisine is fiery and hot, while English food is about as exciting as a soggy day in November. Maybe it's because India is relatively cheap and the United Kingdom is fucking expensive. Whatever the reason, most Britons think India is Heaven-on-Earth. Or whatever Heaven is in Hinduism.

Our next review is titled the THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL. Well, it should really be THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL AND ELDERLY, because that is the actual name of the place that big-dreaming Indian entrepreneur-wannabe Sonny Kapoor (Dev Patel) has opened. Taking the run-down hotel he inherited from his equally big-dreaming father, Sonny renovates it (well, more like changes the sign out front) and christens it the aforementioned long-winded and awkward moniker. Someone ought to tell him that a retirement home with a fancy name is still a retirement home. Even if you can get your chapati, naan, and dal - all fresh from the family next door.

Nevertheless, it won't come as a staggering surprise that a few long-in-the-tooth Brits fall for Sonny's brochure, which makes the place sound like the latest in the Westin chain - but at far less than Travelodge prices. Is that a deal or what? Seven limey pensioners seem to think so. The suckers are: (1) Graham Dashwood (Tom Wilkinson), a retired bachelor judge who is also something of a silver fox and is, as his name suggests, quite dashing; (2) Evelyn Greenslade (Judi Dench), sweet and humble widower who starts a blog (ahem) about her adventures (double ahem); (3) Douglas Ainslie (Bill Nighy), patient and mellow dude who is marries to a raving bitch; (4) Jean Ainslie (Penelope Wilton), aforementioned raving bitch; (5) Muriel Donnelly (Maggie Smith), wheelchair-bound bigot who is downright terrified of anyone who doesn't have skin the color of sour milk; (6) Madge Hardcastle (Celia Imrie), predatory bombshell and lifelong whore who is on the prowl for more man-meat, even in retirement; and (7) Norman Cousins (Ralph Pickup), happy-go-lucky horndog dude who is basically Madge with a penis.

So, our seven travelers journey long and far from London to Delhi to Jaipur (sp?) to finally get a gander at their new home, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel For The Beautiful And Elderly". One problem, though: the place doesn't look anywhere as glamorous as the pictures in the brochure. Not even close. Let's just say that pigeons have laid claim to some of the rooms, roaches are throwing a block party in some of the others, and it's looking like the Not-So-Magnificent Seven will be paying too much - even at the bargain-basement prices they've been quoted.

Now, to be fair, not everyone reacts negatively to the fact that the hotel looks a lot less like a Hilton, and a lot more like an exotic version of the Bates Motel. Norman, Evelyn, Graham, Madge, and Douglas pretty much roll with the punches are all like, "Fuck it, we're in India, yo. At least we're not getting pissed on constantly by the weather and the food actually registers on your palate." Our other two old farts, on the other hand, grumble and whine about how the place looks nothing like the advertisements. Yes, folks, Muriel and Jean basically try to see who can win the World Cup for Bitching And Moaning - and it's looking too close to call at this point. Personally, I think Jean is in there, though.

Anyhow, you gotta give it to Sonny for his remarkable sangfroid in dealing with the seven new arrivals. Especially considering he's got issues of his own, such as the following: (1) a rich bitch mother who thinks he is wasting his time with re-opening the hotel, and would like to sell the place from under him; and (2) a crush on hot call center operator Sunaina (Tena Desae) - whom Sonny's rich bitch mother disapproves of because of the lovely Indian caste system that gives the lovely British caste system a run for its money. In other words, Sunaina ain't good enough for Sonny. Sonny and Sunaina, on the other hand, beg to fucking differ, thanks.

So... will our seven Brits and our two lovelorn Indians sort out their various issues? What secret is Graham hiding from the others? Where does he go everyday for hours? Who is he looking for? What happens when Evelyn pours her heart and soul into her blog? Does she have a secret admirer reading it without her knowledge? If so, who is he? Douglas? Graham? Norman? Someone else? And what about Jean and Muriel? Are these bitches ever going to loosen the fuck up and realize they're in India? Will Sonny and Sunaina have some slap some sense into them? Shove some hot curry down their throats, perhaps? If for no other reason than to keep them from speaking for awhile?

Yes. Do it now. Shut those bitches up.





































BUT, SERIOUSLY: "This is a new and different world. The challenge is to cope with it. But not just cope - to thrive. India, like life itself I suppose, is what you bring to it..." So writes Evelyn Greenslade (Judi Dench) on her blog, chronicling the adventure that she and six of her peers have embarked on. This sentiment is pretty much at the heart of THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL, a lovely exploration of lives that often go unexplored in this cinematic day and age which often celebrates everything young. The leads of this film are in the autumn and winter of their lives, past middle-age and into retirement. But that doesn't mean that everything is behind them, because what often seems like an ending is really the beginning of something new. As Evelyn so succinctly put it, life is what you bring to it - whether you are in India, England, or somewhere else in the world. Each of the characters, in his or her own way, learns this throughout the film.

The film's main strength is, not surprisingly, its cast. Filled with distinguished veterans of British acting royalty, they are quite a formidable bunch. But the loveliest thing about this group is how accessible and human they make their characters. Again, not so surprising considering their talent. It would be difficult (and unfair) to pick a standout among them, because they are all terrific.

Judi Dench has always been a favorite of mine - even before she took on the role of James Bond's boss in the 007 series. Here, Dench is much more fragile and vulnerable - but no less resilient. Rather, she hides her strengths in the depths - and taps into them when needed. The interesting thing is Evelyn almost seems to be unaware of just how strong she is. Watching Evelyn find her footing in the wake of her husband's death, and the financial woes he left her that have forced her to seek retirement in the much cheaper country of India, is one of this film's main rewards. Dench turns Evelyn into a smart, shy, funny, sensitive, generous, and gracious woman. Her thoughtful musings on her blog, and her tentative decision to take on a job at a call-center teaching the operators about western communication styles, marks her as a woman who has always underestimated her own value - and is now discovering it. In a word, Dench is superb - and Evelyn is one of her loveliest characters.

The rest of the women are similarly strong. Maggie Smith isn't afraid to play up Muriel's rough (and, let's face it, racist) edges, while also somehow giving it a wry, comic spin. Muriel has a nice story thread with a Anokhi (Seema Azmi), a lower-caste Indian woman who cleans the hotel. Having spent a lifetime as a cleaning lady herself, Muriel shares some tips with Anokhi and, inadvertently, befriends her. Someone once told me that friendship, whether between friends, family, or lovers, is what makes us human. That is never more true than in the unexpected kinship between Muriel and Anokhi, and watching the younger woman change the older one is another reward of this film. Smith, just like, Dench takes her character and runs with her.

Celia Imrie and Penelope Wilton are equally fine in their own ways as, respectively: (1) the free-spirited Madge, who was clearly a heart-breaker in her day - and is trying to hold on to that; and (2) the brittle Jean, whose main concern is appearances - and keeping them up at all costs, regardless of who gets hurt. Wilton, in particular, deserves special credit for managing to keep our interest in Jean despite how horribly she sometimes behaves towards the others. There's a nice scene late in the film between Jean and Douglas that redeems her somewhat, and has a ring of truth to it. At the same time, Imrie has a couple of hilarious scenes at a local country club that she tries to join by saying she is English royalty. Suffice it to say, she is not. You'll see.

As for the men, they are just as accomplished as their female castmembers. Bill Nighy, known for his vibrant, comic turns, underplays beautifully here to play a soft-spoken man who slowly realizes he has fallen out of love with his wife - but yet would rather sacrifice his own happiness for fear of hurting her by leaving. Nighy turns Douglas into a quietly funny and noble figure who is forever trying to paint a happy face on his marriage, despite all evidence to the contrary. Douglas and Jean remind me of Calvin and Beth Jarrett (Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore), another similarly-troubled couple, from my favorite film of all time, the lovely and heartbreaking drama ORDINARY PEOPLE. It's always sad when a lifelong union crumbles, and Nighy plays Douglas' silent torment very well - proving he's more than just a comedian.

Then there's Ralph Pickup as Norman Cousins, the adventurous lifelong playboy who has come to India to continue to live it up even in retirement. After Evelyn, I have to say that Ralph is my next favorite character. The guy just wants to laugh, have fun, and greets everyone and everything with the simple, uncomplicated joy of someone who knows life is short and needs to be lived now. There's a terrific short scene at the beginning of the film wherein the group first arrives at the hotel in India, and almost everyone reacts with surprise (and in the case of Muriel and Jean, abject horror) at the run-down state of the place. Everyone except Ralph, who walks into his shabby room, throws open wide the balcony doors - and smiles to the world while saying to himself: "Yep. This'll do just fine..." This is the kind of guy I'd like to be - whether in retirement or not. Pickup does a terrific job of not only playing up Norman's raunchy humor, but also limning him with a hidden sensitivity and intelligence. Love him.

Last, but in no way the least is the awesome Tom Wilkinson as Graham Dashwood (my third favorite character after Evelyn and Ralph). Wilkinson has excelled at playing complex, conflicted characters - and Graham is no exception. A celebrated and respected career judge, Graham is the only member of the group who has been to India before. He grew up there - and has his own agenda for returning now which is gradually revealed as the story goes on. Graham is never less than gracious, kind, and friendly to everyone - but there is also a certain distance and shyness to him, which makes him a bit of an enigma to the others. It's this mysterious quality that draws them (especially Jean) to him. And the revelation that he came back to India to search for a lost love from his youth - and the surprising identity of this lover - is another of THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL's rewards. Wonderful performance from a wonderful actor.

As Sonny and Sunaina, the young, star-crossed couple, Dev Patel and Tena Desae are lovely and endearing. As he did in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, Patel brings his trademark hyper-goofball presence to the role, while Desae is a refreshing presence as the girl that was meant for him but whom his mother objects to. Their storyline juxtaposed with those of the older characters nicely underscores that notion that no matter how old you are, and no matter where you live in the world, love is the common denominator. It's yet another quirky piece in a lovely tapestry.

Director John Madden, as he did with the classic SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE, gives us another film that should endure through the ages. THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL tells the stories of people whose tales don't often receive the attention they should. And it does so wonderfully. Kudos to all...