Hello, folks...
As promised, please find below our Summer Movie List for 2012. If you only watch 20 flicks this summer, let it be the following. They are arranged in order of release date - and we will review them all, plus a few more. Let the fireworks begin. It's going to be a hot one!
SUMMER 2012 TOP 20:
1. THE AVENGERS (Release date: May 4)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Chris Evans is back as Captain America. Chris Evans is back as Captain America. Chris Evans is back as Captain America. And CAPTAIN AMERICA 2 has been confirmed for a 2014 release. YES! And I suppose the fact that Thor, Iron Man, Black Widow, The Hulk, and Hawkeye are in it, too, is sort of a bonus.
2. THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL (Release Date: May 4)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Mankind was not meant to exist on Superhero movies alone. You gotta love movies about older folks falling in love and bickering and falling in love and bickering in lovely foreign locales. Plus, Judi Dench and Maggie Smith - both Dames - are in it. Go, ladies.
3. DARK SHADOWS (Release Date: May 11)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Johnny Depp is doing his Oddball Bizarro thing again, which can be fun (PIRATE OF THE C) or just fucking weird (WILLY WONKA). But with Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham-Carter, and Chloe Moretz in supporting roles, this one may actually be decent.
4. THE DICTATOR (Release Date: May 16)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Sasha Baron Cohen follows up BORAT, BRUNO, and his Red Carpet Stunt at the Oscars with this "Prince and the Pauper" exercise about a nutcase dictator who comes to the States - and is promptly turned into your basic street punk. Watching Cohen do his usual Bizarre Dickhead With An Accent Terrorizing Us Dumb Yanks routine just might be worth it.
5. BATTLESHIP (Release Date: May 18)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: As friends of mine said when we watched WRATH OF THE TITANS and this trailer came up, "Movies should not be made from stupid goddamn board games". Agreed. But this one stars Rihanna in her film debut, dudes. And she is lookin' fine. Enough said...
6. MEN IN BLACK 3 (Release Date: May 25)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Will Smith is our boy, and nobody does "sexy and sarcastic" like he does. He could read from a cereal box and crack me up with his attitude. That's pretty much all the reason you need to take your happy ass down to the theater. That, and Emma Thompson doing her Classy Hottie thang.
7. CHERNOBYL DIARIES (Release Date: May 25)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Yes, horror movies about dumbass young folk traveling where they shouldn't and getting their asses sliced and diced isn't new. But this one is set in the deserted real-life town outside Chernobyl, Russia - site of that awful meltdown in 1986. Not even going to get into an ethical and moral debate about using that place as a setting for a horror flick. Just gonna say the trailer is kinda scary. And that is enough for me.
8. MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE'S MOST WANTED (Release Date: June 8)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Because our crackhead quartet of Lion, Giraffe, Hippo, and Zebra are back to demonstrate why, contrary to bleeding-heart animal activists everywhere, zoos are such a good idea: to keep crazy animals like these dipshits contained. Plus, those penguins are a riot with a capital "Rye". As in: "Ham on..."
9. PROMETHEUS (Release Date: June 8)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Because it started out as prequel to ALIEN - then became a sort of "side-quel". Meaning it's set in the ALIEN universe, but not exclusively about them pesky Xenomorphs. It's about something else. Plus, it's directed by Ridley Scott - who knows a thing or two about pulse-pounding sci-fi thrillers - and it stars intergalactic hotties Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, and Noomi Rapace. Boner, Will Robinson!
10. BRAVE (Release Date: June 25)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: It's a flick with a Strong Female Lead. Sure it's an animated flick, and she's just a kid but, hey, Ripley and Sarah Connor were kids at one time, too. Looks like perfect family fare.
11. TO ROME WITH LOVE (Release Date: June 25)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: It's set in Italy. What else do you need to know?
12. MAGIC MIKE (Release Date: June 29)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT. Because it's about male strippers. And it stars Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, and Channing Tatum (who actually used to be a stripper - partay!)
NO TRAILER YET. DAMN IT.
13. PEOPLE LIKE US (Release Date: June 29)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Chris Pine and Elizabeth Banks prove their dramatic mettle here. If it works, it should have H-wood see them in a different light. Doesn't hurt to be multi-faceted. Plus, Michelle Pfeiffer is in it. Enough said.
14. THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN (Release Date: July 3)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Because Andrew Garfield and Emma "My Girl" Stone are one smokin' hot couple. And Andrew gets to wear a tight spandex suit that emphasizes his small but surprisingly shapely ass. What? You were expecting another reason?
15. ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT (Release Date: July 13)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Those crazy dorks from the, um, Ice Age are back. And they're as cranky as ever. Watch out.
16. TED (Release Date: July 13)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Because those trailers are fucking hilarious. Admit it - you wanted to know what a teddy beer smoking a bong looks like. And Marky Mark Wahlberg is at his best in comedies. Ever see THE OTHER GUYS? I got cramps from laughing so hard. We are. So there. For this one.
17. THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (Release Date: July 20)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Seriously? You need me to explain why you should see this? All I'll say is this: Anne Hathaway, you stole the role I was born to play, you fucking bitch. Kidding. Love you, Anne. But, seriously: you swiped my role. Meow, ho.
One question, though: at the beginning of the trailer, why does Alfred the Butler (Michael Caine) sound like the fucking Geico Gecko?)
18. NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH (Release Date: July 27)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill - three of the biggest dorks in the Universe in one movie. Why shouldn't you watch it?
19. THE BOURNE LEGACY (Release Date: August 3)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Because it's been years since our last fresh Bourne fix. And we needz another hit of that shit, yo! Even if, um, technically it's not Jason Bourne anymore. Whatever. The trailer looks awesome, and so does Jeremy Renner.
20. TOTAL RECALL (Release Date: August 3)
WHY WE SHOULD WATCH IT: Yes, it's another remake. Yes, it will probably disappoint. But the bottom line is I'd rather ogle Colin Farrell than Arnie Schwarzenegger. So consider me sold.
Well, that be it, folks. Summer's here and it's time to cheer! Time to dance in the street. Or something like that. Anyhow, please expect the reviews for THE HUNGER GAMES and WRATH OF THE TITANS to post tomorrow.
Buona notte, peepz...
