CINDERELLA (2015 - FAMILY / ROMANCE) *** out of ***** OR 6 out of 10
(If I had to wear those glass heels, I would jump off a bridge...)
CAST: Lily James, Richard Madden, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Hayley Atwell, Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger, Nonso Anonzie, Stellan Skarsgaard, Ben Chaplin, Derek Jacobie.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather uncomfortable footwear - straight ahead....)
IT'S LIKE THIS: Ah, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE... Is there a shittier romantic comedy out there? Oh, sure, there probably are ones that are technically worse. But none of them got the big-budget, glossy Hollywood treatment that this movie did, became an inexplicable box-office hit, and still somehow remains a truly crappy and stupid film. Too bad, too, because the premise of a heartbroken Baltimore widower pouring his heart out on a national radio show, and being overheard by an adrift Seattle woman - and suddenly feeling in her heart that he is her soulmate and seeking him out against her better judgement - is a promising premise.
It's the execution that fucking sucked. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan feel like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan saying lines and mugging shamelessly for the camera - without registering even a single authentic moment, individually or between them. Nora Ephron's writing and directing feels smug and calculated. And worse: Ryan's kooky, ditzy, highly ill-advised performance makes her character feel more like a creepy, scary, shallow stalker and less like a confused intelligent woman who doesn't understand what she's feeling but knows she must do something ASAP - or risk losing something great. All in all, in my opinion, despite its commercial success, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE was a major bust. Too bad, because a different director with a more no-nonsense sensibility, and leads who were interested in actually "acting" and playing full-blooded human beings might have turned the movie into something worthwhile that actually deserved success. Basically, both Ephron and Ryan had a lot of 'Cinderella' on the brain.
Which brings us to our next review...
Ah, Cinderella... is there a more egregious fairy tale out there designed to fool little girls into thinking someday their prince will come? Not really. Don't get me wrong: I'm no cynic and I actually do believe in soulmates. But I am also a pragmatic realist. As I told a friend, in this world there are two kinds of people: (1) people you are compatible with; and (2) people you are not compatible with. Within each of those two groups, you will find varying degrees of compatibility and incompatibility. The ones that rank the highest in each group is (1) your true soulmate; and (2) your worst enemy.
The issue is this: the chances that you will meet that person (or persons) who is (are) the most compatible with you is like winning the lottery. If you're lucky, you will encounter someone who is, like, number 1,256 on the compatibility list - meaning you get along reasonably well and like the same things and can be around each other without eventually plotting the other's death. The fact of the matter is, the chances of meeting the number 1 person on the compatibility list (or even anyone in the Top 100) are astronomical.
Truth is, your true soulmate may be a goat-herder in Nepal or a corporate executive in Shanghai or a lounge singer in Karachi - someone you will likely never cross paths with. Ever. The fact is, most people will settle for someone in the, oh, Top 5000. Which, given how many people there are in the world, isn't really bad. Hell, if you're ending up with someone in the top 1,000,000 you're probably doing okay. Bottom line: the chances that your number 1 compatible person is your next door neighbor or someone who works a few floors down from you or rides the same bus to work every day is a bazillion-gazillion-kazillion to one. In short, most people settle for someone who is SOMEWHERE on their compatibility list - but very few actually find THE NUMBER ONE.
Nope, I believe soulmates do exist. The problem is how Cinderella and other fairy tales condition kids to think they will actually meet them. Sorry to say, but your kiddies are going to have settle for some runner-ups - just like you did. Just keeping it real. And even that's not bad, so don't worry. Just have fun and wish your Nepalese goat-herder or Chinese corporate executive or Karachian lounge singer well - and live your lives. Just don't let your kids buy into the fairy tale bullshit.
Which brings us to CINDERELLA, which is like SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE but a lot more tolerable because everyone is actually being sincere and dedicated instead of stupid and ditzy like in that other movie. You know the drill: Cinderella (Lily James) is orphaned and her Pops (Ben Chaplin) marries a conniving bitch (Cate Blanchett) with two daughters who are basically conniving-bitches-in-training (Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger). Pops suddenly dies (oh, poo) and Connving Bitch Stepmother basically turns Cinderella into a slave for her and her two venomous offspring.
Oh, yeah, and there's a prince who is supposed to be Cinderella's number one True Soulmate. How convenient (and unbelievable) that Prince Charming (Richard Madden) just happens to live next door. And how unfortunate that he goes around wearing tight white pants and thigh-high boots. If I were Cinderella, I would confirm that he's not actually a princess. I've seen Pride Parade dancers in manlier clothing. Meow.
Oh, and there's also some big ball that Cinderella wants to go to, but obviously doesn't have the wardrobe for. Something her Conniving Bitch Stepmother so sweetly points out. Fortunately, Cinderella's kindness to the rodents that live in her attic (don't ask) pays off and is rewarded with a visit from her Fairy Godmother (Helena Bonham-Carter) - who basically gives her a PRETTY WOMAN-style makeover and sends her off to the ball to stir some shit up.
One thing that Cinderella definitely stirs up is a boner from Prince Charming himself. Which, given his campy circus showgirl attire earlier, is a bit of a surprise to me. Maybe he's turned on by her evening gown and glass high heel shoes. Anyway, they have a blast dancing despite Prince Charming still wearing those tight white leggings and thigh-high dominatrix boots and Cinderella wearing an Atlantic Ocean of blue taffeta. But, as with all awesome evenings, this one too comes to an end - and Cinderella runs off into the night. Leaving - you guessed it - a glass high heel shoe that looks like the textbook definition of foot torture.
Determined to find the other glass high heel shoe (so he can presumably wear them to go clubbing) Prince Charming orders a search of the entire kingdom to find Cinderella. Of course, it's distinctly possible that Prince Charming actually wants Cinderella and not her other glass shoe. But come on - would you get a load of those skintight pants? Even RuPaul would give it a second thought.
So... will Prince Charming find Cinderella and the other shoe? Or will Conniving Bitch Stepmother and her two daughters fuck everything up? What will these hos do to make Prince Charming their own? Should they maybe hold out for someone with more testosterone in his nutsac? Does Prince Charming even have a nutsac?
Five words: just look at those pants...
BUT SERIOUSLY: A faithful retelling of the Cinderella fairy tale, CINDERELLA has just enough charm, humor, and spectacle to rate above the average mark. Director Kenneth Branagh's work is competent if not especially noteworthy, and the cast is uniformly solid. As with Branagh's direction, they hit all their required marks, only occasionally giving something extraordinary.
Lily James is okay as Cinderella, and brings the same sweetness and presence she had in DOWNTON ABBEY. Unfortunately, she isn't really given much to do with the character beyond smile and be kind and occasionally cry. Then again, Cinderella (as with most other fairy tale heroines) doesn't really have much depth to her. It would've been nice, though, for the script to have built in other layers for James to play.
This is the case with the terrific Cate Blanchett as Cinderella's wicked stepmother. There are some nice moments wherein Blanchett is allowed to express some nuances through expressions and glances alone. An example is the scene wherein her character overhears Cinderella's father telling his daughter than he will love no one more than her. The way Blanchett plays her character's hurt non-verbal reaction to this is touching.
The same is true of the final confrontation between Cinderella and her stepmother. Both James and Blanchett do themselves proud in this subtle scene. Unfortunately, there aren't many other moments where these actresses are given a chance to do something unexpected. Then again, as mentioned above, this may due to the inherent limitations of the fairy tale format.
The best moment in the film, though, is the scene where Prince Charming's father (Derek Jacobi) dies - and the Prince say goodbye to him. The shot of the prince lying next to the dying King, curled up like a little boy while clasping his hand, is heartbreaking. Indeed, all of the most powerful scenes in this film are the ones played only with gestures, actions, and expressions. Had there been more of these, the film would've rated higher than above average.
All in all, though, CINDERELLA is a reasonably enjoyable family film that send a good message about courage and kindness to the kiddies. It manages to add some nice touches to the familiar story without radically changing it - although the filmmakers could have had a bit more fun with the formula. Still, it's definitely worth a look.
