THE AGE OF ADALINE (2015 - ROMANCE / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of ***** OR 7 out of 10
(Adaline, girl, just own it already...)
CAST: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Harrison Ford, Kathy Baker, Ellen Burstyn, Amanda Crew, Anthony Ingruber.
DIRECTOR: Lee Toland Krieger
(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and the biggest non-issue ever in the History of Science and The World - straight ahead)
IT'S LIKE THIS: Recently, we reviewed three films that are prime examples of what we like to call the "What-Exactly-Is-The-Fucking-Problem-Here? Movie". Essentially, these films pivot around protagonists who whine and cry and act like they have problems - when in reality they should be thanking their lucky stars for the windfalls that have come their way.
First we had THE BOY NEXT DOOR (review # 602), wherein cougar lady Claire Petersen (Jennifer Lopez) hemmed and hawed because of her one-night-stand with the 19-year old hottie (Ryan Guzman) living next door, leading to some unnecessary drama when she dumped him instead of, you know, continuing to milk his nutsac. Then we had INDECENT PROPOSAL (review #603) wherein a lovely L.A. couple that looks like Demi Moore and Woodly Harrelson found themselves in dire financial straits - only to be offered $1,000,000 by a studly billionaire who looks like Robert Redford, for one night with the wife. Unbelievably, it took our lovely couple a whole agonizing 8 hours to think it over. With that many zeros, I would have screamed "Hell, yes sir!!!!!" in two seconds.
Then we had FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (review # 604), where we watched as mousy, shy English Literature major Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) entered into a steamy, cat-and-mouse affair with the mysterious and seriously hot billionaire tycoon, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Unfortunately, Anastasia found out that Christian was into more than just some light petting when it comes to foreplay - and wasn't sure if she should continue banging him. Basically, any reasonable person's reaction to THE BOY NEXT DOOR, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and FIFTY SHADES OF GREY would be somewhere along the lines of "What. Exactly. Is. The. Fucking. Problem. Here?"
We had a bit of break from "What Exactly Is The Fucking Problem Here" movies for awhile, but now we're back smack dab in the middle of another one. Our next review is THE AGE OF ADALINE, and it's about a lovely blonde chick named Adaline Bowman (Blake Lively) who was born in, like, 1900 or something. She was struck by lightning while submerged in a frozen Northern California creek in the middle of Christmas (I beg of you, don't ask) in 1925 which led to her... never aging again a single day and living forever and always looking like she's 25. Basically, because of that lightning strike Adaline will eternally and perpetually resemble Blake Lively in her luscious prime - forever and ever and ever - and never ever ever die.
Do you see where I am going with this, folks? If not, let me spell it out for you: "What. Exactly. Is. The. Fucking. Problem. Here?"
That's right. Most of us would kill to have this "problem". Not our Adaline, though, who in the movie's most unbelievable scene is concerned and disturbed when a traffic cop questions why her driver's license says she's 45 but she still looks like Blake Lively in her luscious prime. He confiscates her driver's license and tells her to go to the police precinct the next day with her birth certificate to prove she really is who she says she is and is still smokin' hot at the age of 45. Hilariously, Adaline's reaction is to go home, pack her bags, say goodbye to her family, move to another state, and change her goddamn identity.
I swear I turned to my buddy and asked: "What the hell is she doing?"
Folks, I not only would've shown up the next day at the police precinct with my birth certificate, but I would have also invited all my family, friends, and called a press conference with the national and international media - to show the world that, yes, I'm still hot at 45 and could pass for twenty years younger. Adaline, however, seems to think that being agelessly gorgeous is a bad thing. Oh, whatever.
Anyhow, so begins Adaline's many years and decades of moving from place to place, changing her identity as she goes, never staying in one city for too long, running away anytime anybody gets too close to her - apparently lest anyone realize that she's, well, immortal. I'm sorry but couldn't she just fucking tell them, I don't know, that Clinique really, really, REALLY works for her? Hell, maybe she could be a spokesmodel for a skin care company and profit from her freak-of-nature status. What the fuck is the problem here? Ay, madre de dios, Adaline...
Hell, even her daughter Flemming (Ellen Burstyn) tells Adaline to just kick up her heels and relax already. It's also my sad duty to report that Flemming apparently didn't inherit Adaline's ability to stay young forever. Nope, she's basically going to age like the rest of us and get more and more wrinkly as time goes on - unlike her mom who looks she just got done feasting on the blood of an entire village of virgins. But, hey, whatever it takes to keep getting carded at clubs and bars, I guess.
You see, Adaline's desire is to grow old with someone. "Without that, love is just heartbreak..." she touchingly tells Flemming at one point. To which I gently responded, "Horseshit - just pretend to be his trophy wife when he starts to go bald and blind." Why is it that the ability to stay young forever is gifted to someone who doesn't have the first fucking clue what to do with it? And not to someone like me or Paris Hilton or the Guidos of the Jersey Shore who would have some very definite ideas of how we would run with that shit?
But I digress. At any rate, Adaline makes it to 2015, still looking as hot and fuckable as Blake Lively in her luscious prime. Continually watching her family and friends wither up like prunes under the summer sun, while she herself remains a plump and moist as, well, Blake Lively in her luscious prime. Boo hoo. Too bad so sad. Cry me a river.
To be fair, though, Adaline seems to take this all quite well. That is, until one day she meets a hot bearded architect named Ellis Jones (Michiel Huisman) who from the first moment he lays eyes on Adaline, makes it clear that he wants to be her Dad-deh. Oh, sure... Adaline plays hard-to-get for awhile, but eventually it becomes clear that she does want her ass spanked by Ellis and agrees to date him. This eventually leads to Adaline accompanying Ellis to meet his parents. Which, for Adaline, is some serious shit. Think about it: she's actually at least 50 years older than Ellis' parents. How's that for a mindfuck.
Things get even more hilarious when it turns out (and I swear I'm not making this up) that Ellis's dad, William (Harrison Ford), used to fuck Adaline when he was in his twenties in Europe. "You look EXACTLY like this old friend of mine! We were VERY CLOSE!" William breathlessly tells Adaline in the presence of his wife, Kathy (Kathy Baker), whose expression clearly says "I bet the bitch was more than just an old friend..." Hmmmmm, I have a feeling someone's going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Adaline covers up by saying that she is the, um, daughter of the woman who William fucked in his twenties. Probably a lot safer than saying that she's, well, actually the woman he fucked in his twenties - and she stayed young and he grew up to be wrinkled but still kind of hot Harrison Ford. Not with Kathy standing right there, shooting daggers from her eyes and breathing hotly through her nose.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, eh, Adaline?
So... how will this mindfuck of a soap opera end? Will Adaline 'fess up and tell Ellis her secret? Will she reveal to William that she is actually the girl he fell in love with in his twenties? Or will Adaline do what she has done well for the last century: run away when someone gets too close to her heart?
Adaline, dear... some advice: burn your running shoes and stand by your man. You'll thank me later....
BUT SERIOUSLY: In May, two films with the word "Age" in their titles were released within a week of one another. The first is the ultra-high-budget Event Film AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, which is sequel to the equally big-budget Event Film from two years ago, THE AVENGERS. The second film is our next review, THE AGE OF ADALINE. These two films couldn't be more different from each other.
AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is a full-blooded SuperHero Movie, the kind of blockbuster film meant for summer and big crowds. THE AGE OF ADALINE, on the other hand, probably has only a fraction of AGE OF ULTRON's budget, is a character-oriented love story, and definitely not a SuperHero Movie - although its protagonist does have a special power: the ability to stay young forever. In this respect, the film has some similarities to the THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, which also deals with someone who is not aging normally in low-key manner.
Blake Lively brings the right amount of winsome melancholy and cool resilience to the central role of Adaline Bowman and holds her own against more experienced co-stars like Ellen Burstyn, Harrison Ford, and Kathy Baker, who deliver strong work here. It's important that whoever plays Adaline can be "timeless" and not too much of the modern era, even when she's surrounded by cars and IPhones. Lively effectively conveys Adaline's "old soul" quality through small inflections of voice, expression, and movement, making her always seem like a fish out of water. She makes a tricky role work, and even though the film is more of a love story than an actual character study, she makes us care about Adaline and her plight.
Michiel Huisman is a nice, unexpected presence as Ellis, the man who finally makes Adaline choose between running and staying. Huisman was similarly engaging in his much smaller role as a soldier in WORLD WAR Z, and it's nice to see him get a larger-sized role as the male lead this time. Then there's Anthony Ingruber who resembles Harrison Ford to such a remarkable extent that he was sought out to star in this film to play the younger version of Ford's character. Ingruber reportedly got his start posting Han Solo and Indiana Jones impersonations on YouTube. It's also nice to see him finally get his due. Let's hope this leads to other work for Ingruber.
To sum up, THE AGE OF ADALINE is a film whose modest success at the box office recently is a nice reminder that films don't have to have mega-budgets and spandex-clad superheroes to draw audiences to the box-office. Sometimes, you just want to take a break from all the explosions and special effects - and get lost in a good old-fashioned love story, which is what the excellent trailer promises and the actual film delivers.
