NOAH (2014) *** out of ***** or 6 out of 10
( Rusty, you will always be my Man - besides
Andrew Garfield, of course...)
CAST:
Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, Logan Lerman, Emma
Watson, Douglas Booth.
DIRECTOR:
Darren Aronofsky
WARNING:
Some SPOILERS and some damn good arguments to stick to Sunday School
versions of your favorite Bible Stories - straight ahead
IT'S LIKE THIS:
Even the most avowed Atheists know about the story of Noah and his
ark. You know... that big-ass vessel he
built because of a divine message from, you know, up there? The message basically came from God, and went
a little something like: "Y'all
humans are bunch of backstabbing, gossipy, treacherous, sinning asswipes - so
I'm going to wipe y'all off the face of the Earth. But you and your family are exempt, my man
Noah, and you must save all the animals of the world by building a big-ass ark
because I'm going to flood the shit out of the world. Any questions?"
Let's just say that when the Big Man Upstairs
gives you a personal memo that reads like the one above, you don't exactly fuck
around and lolly-gag. Needless to say,
our man Noah (Russell "I am aging like Fine Wine - emphasis on Fine"
Crowe) sets about building said ark with the help of: 1) wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly), (2)
first-born son Shem (Douglas Booth); (3) second-born son Ham (Logan Lerman); 4)
adopted daughter Ila (Emma Watson); and last but definitely the weirdest: (5) a
shitload of craggy rock monsters who were supposedly angels at one point time
(riiiiiiiiiight).
All of Noah's ark-building doesn't go unnoticed
to the surrounding locals, especially to decadent, hedonistic King Tubal-Cain
(Ray Winstone). Let's just say that
Tubal-Cain pretty much epitomizes the reason God wants to eight-six humanity:
he's a colossal asshole. And sure
enough, when all the strange omens and atomspheric anomalies begin to freak
everyone out, Tubal-Cain tries to strongarm his way onto Noah's ark. Except, as we mentioned before, Noah is
played by Russell Crowe, who doesn't suffer fools gladly. Let's just also say that Tubal-Cain kind of
gets his ass handed to him.
Just a wee bit pissed off at being told by Mr.
Gladiator, er, Noah to buzz right the fuck off, Tubal-Cain and his followers
crawl away and set up camp just outside Noah's crib so they can monitor what's
going on. Soon, however, the rains
come. And come. And come and come and come and come and
come. And come and come even more. If I'm making it sound like the Heavens are
jizzing majorly onto the Earth, well, that's exactly what it looks like. Torrential rains don't even begin to cover
it. Anyone see where this is all going? Good thing Noah Crowe and his posse have an
ark. Ahem.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What happens when the rains don't stop
cumming, er, coming? Will the
"Great Flood" that the Big Man Upstairs warned Noah about finally
unfold? Will the Ark that Noah's family
(and those bizarro rock monsters) built save them all and withstand the rising
waters? Will Tubal-Cain and the other
sinners storm the Ark and try to find a way onboard? Will Noah just let them all die? And the most important question: how will
the insides of the Ark smell with a
gazillion animals shitting everywhere?
WHAT WE LIKED ABOUT THE MOVIE: Rusty Crowe, Jen Connelly, Emma Watson,
Douglas Booth, Ray Winstone, and Logan Lerman are one talented (not to mention
attractive) bunch. Crowe is his usual
formidably intense self and admirably dives into his portrayal. Not a surprise.
WHAT WE COULD'VE LIVED WITHOUT: The whole icky love triangle between brothers
Shem and Ham - and their adopted sister Ila.
I guess they rolled differently back in the Old Testament. And what the hell is up with those wacky rock
monsters?
AND THE "SEXIEST EYE CANDY" AWARD GOES
TO: Crowe. Russell Crowe. Like there was ever any doubt. The man just gets better with age.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The marketing campaign for NOAH has tried to paint in the same light as Russell Crowe's 2000 classic, GLADIATOR. The casting of Crowe in the title role is also quite inspired as the man is simply unafraid of going all the way in his performances - which is why we love him. In the end, however, NOAH is no GLADIATOR, despite the trailers and poster campaign.
NOAH is far too dark and so unpleasant, that
there are times that it ceases to become entertaining. Director and co-writer Darren Aronofsky
(BLACK SWAN, PI) introduces such bizarre elements as the rock monsters who are
fallen angels and spends an inordinate amount of time emphasizing the
borderline-incestuous triangle between Noah's sons and his adopted
daughter. Then there's Noah's obsessive
belief that the Creator wants no human survivors and essentially threatens to
kill the pregnant Ila's baby when it is born.
All in all, this most definitely not a family movie.
At least the castmembers are all solid and
competent. Jennifer Connelly, who
starred with Crowe in 2001's A BEAUTIFUL MIND, is fine as Noah's loyal wife,
Naaleh, whose devotion to her husband is severely tested later in the
film. Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth, and
Emma Watson are okay as the younger members of Noah's clan, while Ray Winstone
delivers another seductive villain in the form of the treacherous Tubal-Cain.
Ultimately, though, this movie belongs to its
title character and the terrific actor who plays him. Crowe's brave, intense performance elevates
NOAH above the average mark, and
deserves to be seen just for his star turn.
It's not the kind of movie you would want to see again, unless you
wanted to see the wonderful Russell Crowe in action. Had anyone else been cast as Noah, this film
would rate an average score (**1/2, or 5 out of 10) at best.
