# 194 - DIE HARD 2 (1990)

DIE HARD 2 (1990 - ACTION / THRILLER / CHRISTMAS FLICK) **** out of *****

(More reasons to take the train… or the bus… or anything that avoids an airport by at least fifty miles…)



CAST: Bruce Willis, Bonnie Bedelia, William Sadler, Franco Nero, Dennis Franz, William Atherton, John Amos, Fred Dalton Thompson, Sheila McCarthy, John Leguizamo, Art Evans.

DIRECTOR: Renny Harlin

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and freaky airport experiences straight ahead…




There is a place more terrifying than any other on Earth. Especially during certain times of the year. Millions of people march like lambs to the slaughter to this place, willingly exposing themselves to such dangers as horrifying crowds, endless lines, criminally-overpriced gift shops, mediocre food, and farting individuals who have the gall to turn around and look at you like you were the one who cut the cheese.

I’m talking about that hellhole called… The Airport. And during those certain times of the year I referred to earlier, like Christmas and Thanksgiving, the experience is about as appealing as having Double Chalazion Removal Surgery. How fitting, then, that the creators would use an airport as a setting for DIE HARD 2, the sequel to the immensely successful and genre-changing 1988 action/thriller, DIE HARD.

Both DIE HARD and DIE HARD 2 deal with criminals terrorizing an innocent populace during Christmas. But while DIE HARD’s action is confined mainly to a Los Angeles office tower and its immediate surroundings, DIE HARD 2’s thrills cover a more expansive area: (1) Washington’s Dulles International Airport; (2) some buildings around it, and (3) various airliners circling above as their fuel dwindles down to fumes. Needless to say, the canvas has grown considerably.

Our hero is still Detective John McClane. If you’ll recall from DIE HARD, John saved wife Holly and her colleagues from the evil Hans Gruber and his Euro-boy comrades who’d seized control of her office building. Since then, John has apparently moved from New York City to sunny L.A., and has resigned himself to a life of being an LAPD, uh, dick instead of an NYPD one.

However, setting DIE HARD 2 in L.A. after the events of the first one pretty much leveled several blocks of Century City, would be pushing the goodwill of Los Angelenos just a little too much. And that particular pool isn’t that deep to begin with, let’s face it. So, it’s to the East Coast we go for more Christmas terrorist action. Washington D.C., to be exact. Dulles International Airport to be even more exact.

Turns out that a bunch of mercenaries led by Colonel Slater (William Sadler) are planning to seize control of Dulles’ command-and-control capabilities to prevent any aircraft from landing. As you can imagine, commercial airliners can only circle so many times before they run out of fuel and, well, you know…

Why are our villains pulling this heinous shit? Well, turns out uber-hot South American drug dealer Gen. Ramon Esperanza (Franco Nero) is being transported to the U.S. for his spanking, and Slater plans to spring him. Hmmmmmm… kind of extreme, huh? Wouldn’t it have been easier to, I don’t know, storm Esperanza’s transport vehicle when he lands? Just wondering.

At any rate, who should also just happen to be at Dulles waiting for wife Holly to arrive from L.A. on a separate flight? If you said John McClane, then color me unimpressed. Who the fuck did you think would be at the airport? Bruce Willis? Please. At any rate, it appears that John McClane is to terrorism, as Jessica Fletcher from MURDER SHE WROTE is to homicide. In other words: you see them coming, you better run - because people are going to start dropping like flies.

Being the keen-witted, super-intuitive cop that he is, John quickly deduces that something hinky is about to go down at Dulles. He tails a couple of suspicious looking chaps into the off-limits baggage processing area, where they proceed to not get along famously. More accurately, they beat the living shit out of each other. John manages to kill one dude, but the other escapes.

When airport police shows up, the asshole head of the division (Dennis Franz) writes it all of as “baggage theft.” To which John basically responds, “When you were a baby, did your parents toss you into the air to lull you to sleep despite the fact that you lived in a house with extremely low ceilings?” In other words: “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?”

Needless to say, the incident is not “baggage theft” and is merely the tip of a very sinister iceberg that John begins to uncover. Sure enough, Dulles loses its command-and-control capability and all arriving airplanes are forced to circle above continuously. This includes Holly’s plane, where she is stuck (oh, why not) with Richard Thornburg (William Atherton), the same asshole reporter she pretty much castrated in front of the world in DIE HARD. It soon becomes clear that if their plane doesn’t run out of fuel and drop out of the sky first, Holly just might remind Richard of what her right hook feels like.

So what the hell is going on? How the fuck does Slater think he can pull this shit off? Wouldn’t something a little more, I don’t know, low-key be preferrable? Who can John count on to help him nab the mercenaries? The asshole Airport Police chief? The surly Air Traffic Control chief (Fred Dalton Thompson? The pretty reporter Samantha Coleman (Sheila McCarthy) who looks ready to bear John’s babies? What about John’s soul brother Al (Reginald Veljohnson) back in L.A.? Who will be John’s guardian angel? What about Holly? Will he circling plane finally run out of fuel? Will John trader her in fro Samantha if it does? And if this ordeal ever ends, will anyone finally realize that John McClane is a lightning rod for this kind of crap?

Maybe he and Jessica Fletcher can do a mash-up movie where they travel the world and trigger murder mysteries and overbaked terrorism plots? Just remember to run like hell when you see their Mustang convertible coming down the road. It‘s a bad sign.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Sequels are tricky. On one hand, you have to try to retain the spirit of the original that made it such a hit. On the other, however, a sequel also needs to strike out into new territory and expand the scope so that it doesn’t feel like a retread. But you also have to be careful not to strike out too far or you lose the core audience and alienate any new ones. Happily, DIE HARD 2 manages this juggling act - and comes out a winner.

Be warned, though, that there are some serious suspensions-of-disbeliefs required here. While DIE HARD contained a lot of fantastic action, it was still just within this side of what might conceivably happen in such a situation, and John McClane’s actions and reactions were refreshingly human and relatable. In DIE HARD 2, he’s a bit more of a superman, and some of the situations he encounters are a little incredible, to put it mildly. Fortunately, McClane is such an appealing character, and Bruce Willis is such the perfect actor to play him, that we willingly surrender for the ride.

Since the story unfolds on a much broader canvas than the first one (entire airport vs. single office tower), it’s understandable that the story would ricochet so much between John and the extended network of supporting characters. Character actors Dennis Franz, Fred Dalton Thompson, and Art Evans are all solid as the airport bureaucrats who gradually comes to realize that John is really on to something. As Holly Gennaro-McClane and Richard Thornburgh, two of the returning characters from the original (and two of the imperiled passengers in the circling planes above Dulles), Bonnie Bedelia and William Atherton make a deliciously acidic couple. Whether trading silent glares or pointed barbs, Bedelia and Atherton provide added comic relief to the proceedings.

As the other major female character, reporter Samantha Coleman, Sheila McCarthy has a nice spunky presence and easy rapport with Bruce Willis. Sam provides John with vital info and support when the chips are down. I wish the script would have fleshed their partnership out a little more. Then again, it might have detracted from Bonnie Bedelia’s showcase and the John-Holly connection. In the end, though, McCarthy makes Samantha one of the brighter spots on the tapestry that is DIE HARD 2. Samantha Coleman is also a nice, noble representative of the journalistic trade - the diametric opposite of the sleazy opportunist Richard Thornburgh.

Regarding the baddies, William Sadler is adequate - but he is no Alan Rickman, and Slater is no Hans Gruber. Rickman’s portrayal of Gruber in the original set the standard that future cinematic villains would be judged by. Whether by virtue of the writing or Rickman’s performance - or, perhaps, both - we got the sense of Hans Gruber as a three-dimensional character. By contrast, Slater feels like a generic, slightly bland villain. Still, he gets the job done - which is to be a credible threat.

A much more interesting presence is Franco Nero as Gen. Ramon Esperanza, the guy for whom the entire dastardly plot is hatched. Nero is Italian, but he plays this South American character flawlessly. He has the ability to catch and sustain audience interest without saying a word, and his magnetic charisma (and stunningly handsome looks) is the very same quality that classic villains like Hans Gruber possess. As good as DIE HARD 2 is, I have to wonder how much better it would have been if Nero had played Slater instead. That would’ve been a dynamite choice. But I’d rather have a little Franco Nero than none at all.

All in all, DIE HARD 2 is a sequel that succeeds in reminding us about what we loved about the original - but also boldly going into new territory. Bruce Willis leads a game cast, and director Rennie Harlin captures (and amplifies) the same kinetic energy that DIE HARD’s director John McTiernan did.

In short, this is a sequel that can stand proudly next to its predecessor. That’s rarer than you think…

# 193 - A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983)

A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983 - COMEDY/CHRISTMAS FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(I feel your pain, Ralphie. Seriously…)



CAST: Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin, Tedde Moore, Ian Petrella, Scott Schwartz.

DIRECTOR: Bob Clark

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and desperately resourceful kids straight ahead…





When I was growing up in Southeast Asia, there were three things I loved the most: (1) movies (duh); (2) riding my bike everywhere; and (3) “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. Most of you are probably familiar with the first two, but a lot of you may not have heard about the last one.

“Choose Your Own Adventure” was a series of books that was told in such a way that you, the main character, could choose the direction and outcome of the story and arrive at multiple endings. For example, let’s say you’re playing a kid detective investigating the disappearance of your freshly-baked cookies. Eventually you’d come to a point in the story where’d you have to make a decision. For example, let’s suppose you discovered that it was your brother that ate the cookies that you’d be saving for a special feast. The book would give you two choices at that point: (1) “If you beat the crap out of your little brother and chase him down the street, turn to page 23"; (2) “If you suppress the rage to beat the crap out of your little brother and just remind to never eat you cookies again, or else you will beat the crap out of him, turn to page 33.”

Needless to say, I always chose the more violent choice. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” series were filled with such lovely titles as “Journey Under The Sea”, “The Mystery at Chimney Rock”, “The Curse of Batterslea Hall”, “The Lost Jewels of Nabooti”, and “You Are A Shark!” - just to name a few. And it was my childhood dream to own… every… single… one… of… THEM! MINE!!!! MINE!!!! ALL THE “CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE” BOOKS WILL BE MINE.

Yes. I was a little boy version of Elektra King from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Only I didn’t want to control the world’s oil supply - I wanted every fucking book in the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series. It is indeed as scary as it sounds. Especially when I would do a Bond Villain laugh at the dinner table.

Anyhow, the problem is these books weren’t all available overseas, and inevitably I had to resort to drastic options: get my relatives in the States to send me the books I didn’t have. I was a little a shy at first. But then when I realized that they always came through with what I asked for, I got a lot less shy. Downright brazen, actually. As in: “Could you make sure you don’t crease the covers next time? I mean, come on: I know you have to put the books in a box to mail it here and all, but is it asking too much for you to be a little careful? Am I asking for the moon here? I don't really think so. Oh, and here’s what else I’m missing in the series...”

Finally, my Dad had to sit me down and stop the madness. He told me that my relatives had to drive, like, 50 miles in the snow to the nearest bookstore every time I made a request. I guess he was trying to get me to cut back on my increasingly bold demands, and was trying to make me feel guilty. So when I replied with a very heartfelt “SO WHAT?” you can imagine how thrilled he was. Suffice it to say, that was the end of that brilliant plan.

Bottom line is I was gripped with what psychologists probably refer to as “Gimmeee Gimmeee Gimmeee Insanity.” Everyone is susceptible to this syndrome, but it first rears its head in childhood, and usually around Christmas. It’s when a kid (or anyone, really) gets the hankering for something so bad that if he (or she) had to choose between saving that “something” or her (or his) family from the jaws of a Great White Shark, guess who’s going to be dinner? And guess who’s going to be showing up at the orphanage the next day with a shiny toy?

“Gimme Gimme Gimme Insanity” is what grips the little hero of our next review. Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) is a 9-year old in the 50’s (I guess it could be the 40’s) who is seriously jonesing for a Red Ryder BB Gun. Actually, “seriously jonesing” may not be strong enough a description. More like “frothing at the mouth” or “chomping at the bit.” And I mean those phrases literally. With his crazed bulging blue eyes and bared white teeth, Ralphie looks like pint-sized, tow-headed Charles Manson. And his next victim is Red Ryder BB Gun. Or maybe he’ll just use it on someone.

Anyhow, Ralphie tries his darndest to clue his parents (Melinda Dillon and Darren McGavin) to the fact that all he wants for Christmas is the Red Ryder BB Gun. Fuck his two front teeth. Unfortunately, Mom is far too busy encouraging his little brother Randy (Ian Petrella) to - and I swear to Jehoshaphat I’m not making this shit up - to eat like a pig in order to clean his plate. And when Ralphie finally lays his cards on the table for the bitch, she’s like: “Oh, honey, you’ll just shoot your eye out.” Fucking great… Or, as Ralphie himself says in one scene: “Son of a bitch!” Really.

To make matters worse, Ralphie pours his passion for the forbidden Red Ryder BB Gun into an essay at school. Sadly, just like with Mom, Miss Shields (Tedde Moore) grades it low and writes the following lovely missive at the bottom of the page: “You’ll just shoot your eye out.” If you thought Ralphie looked like a pint-sized, tow-headed Charlie Manson before, wait until you see the murderous look on his face in this scene. He’s so pissed he actually goes out onto the school yard and beats the living shit out of the school bully, Flick (Scott Schwartz), in a scene so very, very tragic yet also deeply, deeply hilarious.

So… Ralphie's last resort is to con his parents into letting him sit on Santa’s lap at the local mall and ask El Fattie in Red for the BB Gun. Never mind that Santa is played by a guy so scary I’m surprised he didn’t play the killer in BLACK CHRISTMAS. I guess Ralphie is just that desperate.

So… will Santa give Ralphie the gift that he wants? Or will Ralphie just have to give up his dream? Does Ralphie have another secret benefactor waiting in the wings for the right moment to make his dream come true? Or is everyone right? Will he just shoot his eye out? Or his brother’s? Or Ebenezer Scrooge’s?

Inquiring minds want to know. Me? I know I would have killed anyone standing between me and the last copy of “The Cave of Time.” Anyone.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Anyone who remembers what it was like to be a kid at Christmas and pine for that “special something” will like A CHRISTMAS STORY. Anyone who remembers what it was like to paw the wrapped presents under the Christmas Tree, trying to see if you recognized the size and shape of what was concealed within, will appreciate Ralphie’s quest for that Red Ryder BB Gun.

Peter Billingsley is dynamite as Ralphie, and much of A CHRISTMAS STORY’s mileage comes from his adorable performance. He effectively conveys Ralphie feistiness and single-minded, tunnel-vision focus on getting that BB Gun. Darren McGavin and Melinda Dillon are equally good as Ralphie’s parents. McGavin has this hilarious expression that is a mixture of disbelief, exasperation, and resignation that reminds me a lot of my own father’s face when one of us kids (or all of us together) would do something particularly stupid. Which was often.

At any rate, A CHRISTMAS STORY cuts right to heart of what it feels like for a child at Christmas. It perfectly realizes that electric air of anticipation that gets stronger and stronger as Christmas Eve - and the possibility of getting the perfect gift - draws near. For me, it was the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. For Ralphie, it was the Red Ryder BB Gun.

What is it for you?

# 192 - BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974 - HORROR/CHRISTMAS FLICK) **** out of *****

(Ladies, some advice: next year, go home)



CAST: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Art Hindle, Andrea Martin, Lynne Griffin, Marian Waldman, Doug McGrath, James Edmond.

DIRECTOR: Bob Clark

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and disturbing Yuletide shenanigans straight ahead…




A sub-genre of the Horror Genre is the Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher Flick. Films in this sub-genre have four immutable characteristics: (1) young (young-ish) characters celebrating a holiday or event; (2) an isolated location; and (3) a mysterious killer knocking them off by one-by one; and (4) a motive tied in to the holiday or event. Early classics of this sub-genre include: HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, PROM NIGHT, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, TERROR TRAIN, NEW YEAR’S EVIL, GRADUATION DAY, THE PROWLER, APRIL FOOL’S DAY. Latter day entries include the recent remakes of the first five mentioned above, as well as VALENTINE, URBAN LEGEND, and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Most folks think of HALLOWEEN as the Grandfather of the Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher Flick. While that classic was indeed terrifying and well-made, and certainly put this type of movie on the map and inspired dozens of clones and rip-offs (most substandard), it doesn’t really deserve that title. See, four years earlier in 1974, a Canadian horror film was released, scared the living shit out of critics, and made a decent showing at the box-office.

Unfortunately, because the film’s respectable box-office take was nowhere near the astronomical amount HALLOWEEN would rake in four years later, it kind of faded into the background. That movie was BLACK CHRISTMAS, and it is the true Grandfather of the Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher Flick. Unfortunately, that fact is often overlooked because of HALLOWEEN’s mega-success later on.

BLACK CHRISTMAS set the tropes that HALLOWEEN’s success would cement. It also predates WHEN A STRANGER CALL’s gimmick of “the calls are coming from inside the house!!!” by about five years. Which SCREAM and its sequels promptly used and updated for a new generation. Suffice to say, BLACK CHRISTMAS was a trend-setter in many ways.

By now, the plot isn’t exactly original. Back in 1974, though, it must have been positively Byzantine: a mysterious killer sneaks into the attic of a sorority house during Christmas Break, and proceeds to make a series of threatening phone calls from a second phone line to the few sisters who have stayed behind over the Holidays. Then he starts killing them one by one, all the while going undetected in the attic.

The imperiled characters include: (1) Jess Bradford (Olivia Hussey), stunningly gorgeous brunette who’s having relationship problems with her potentially unstable boyfriend; (2) Barb Pollard (Margot Kidder), profane and perpetually-drunk ballbuster who downplays the threatening phone calls; (3) Phyl Forgetting-Her-Last Name (Andrea Martin), mousy and bespectacled future hausfrau who is perpetually whining; (4) Clare Harrison (Lynne Griffin), virginal goodie-two-shoes who hates Barb’s guts; (5) Mrs. Mack (Marian Waldman), wacky housemother who is just a little bit less of a lush than Barb is.

Who is the killer in the attic? What does he want? And what thoroughly fucked-up story is he trying to tell with his bizarre calls? Who will become his victims? Clare? Barb? Phyl? Mrs. Mack? Jess? Will any of these ladies survive? Is the killer really Jess’s boyfriend, Peter (Keir Dullea)? Is it Phyl’s boyfriend, Patrick (Michael Rapport)? Is it Clare’s boyfriend, Chris (Art Hindle)? Is it the detective (John Saxon) trying to help the ladies trace the calls? Or is it… someone else? Will our lovely ladies ever realize that the threatening phone calls are coming from right inside their house? When they do, will it be too late? Why didn’t they just all go home for Christmas? Why? WHY???? WHY?????

Any housemother who wants to clear the sorority house out for Christmas break just needs to have a screening of BLACK CHRISTMAS to clean the place out in record time.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Put simply, BLACK CHRISTMAS is near-perfect horror film. It relies on atmosphere, dread, and the threat of the unseen to wrap a clammy sense of doom around the viewer. The killer is truly unsettling, and the fact that very little is revealed about him makes him all the more terrifying.

Director Bob Clark, who would go on to do PORKY’s and A CHRISTMAS STORY, is in expert control of the story. He’s not afraid to use the “slow burn” approach to creating terror. The tension builds to almost unbearable heights as the threatening calls continue, with Jess and her friends completely unaware that the danger is hiding right upstairs. And when they begin to disappear one by one, we’re actually concerned because the script has taken the time to develop them as distinct characters. It also helps that the women are played by some talented actresses.

Olivia Hussey, is not only one of the most beautiful actresses ever, but also one of the most expressive. She turns Jess into a cool, confident, and strong example of a woman who knows what she wants - but is never less than gracious. The character feels refreshingly ahead of her time, and we root for her survival. The high degree of suspense generated during BLACK CHRISTMAS’s final chase/attack scene involving Jess and the killer has just as much to do with Hussey’s performance throughout the film, as it does with Bob Clark’s expertly terrifying staging. Same goes for that famous (or infamous) ending. Hussey makes us want to see Jess make it past the end credits.

Andrea Martin, Lynne Griffin, and Marianne Waldman are all very good as, respectively: (1) the mousy Phyl; (2) the shy Clare; and (3) the hilariously quirky (and profane) Mrs. Mack. Each of these actresses leaves her mark on her role, which helps considerably in making them distinct from one another. Contrast these characters and their performers from BLACK CHRISTMAS with the ones from the awful 2006 remake. In that thoroughly misguided and ill-conceived flick, I could barely tell the sorority sisters apart. It had just as much to do with the uniformly bland performances as it did the terrible writing.

The showiest role, though, is that of Barb Pollard. Margot Kidder takes ownership of the character and makes her a memorable one. Barb’s the kind of sorority sister I imagine every sorority has: outspoken, crazy, fun-loving, profane, but also a little fragile. All great horror films or thriller need some humor to balance out the fear, and the funniest bits in BLACK CHRISTMAS come from Barb’s interactions with the other characters. The scene where she and Phyl go to the police station to report Clare missing, and then she leaves the sorority house phone number with sergeant-on-duty, is side-splitting. Especially during the pay-off scene later on. Trust me… you’ll see.

As the various men who may or may not be the killer, Keir Dullea, Art Hindle, Michael Rapport, and John Saxon are all solid and provide able support to the main quintet of female leads. Dullea, in particular, is quite good. Especially in his various confrontations with Jess.

So… who is the killer? Well, all I’ll say is this: once you watch BLACK CHRISTMAS, you will never sleep with your bedroom door unlocked ever again. And you’ll always wonder if that strange phone call you just got might be coming from somewhere close by.

# 191 - LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

LOVE ACTUALLY (2003 - ULTRA ROMANTIC COMEDY/CHRISTMAS FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(Watch out, Romantic Comedy Haters… here comes your mega-cyanide pill…)




CAST: Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy, Keira Knightley, Andrew Lincoln, Martin Freeman, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Gregor Fisher, Alan Rickman, Heike Makatsch, Rodrigo Santoro, Kris Marshall, Joanna Page, Lucia Moniz, Martine McCutcheon, Billy Bob Thornton.

DIRECTOR: Richard Curtis

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and serious jeopardy for those with a low tolerance for Rom Com glucose… straight ahead.





I can just imagine Richard Curtis, writer of such Droll British Rom Com Classics as FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL and NOTTING HILL, sitting in his study in London one day and going through his “Ideas” file.

He probably found the following romantic comedy ideas: (1) an AMERICAN PRESIDENT-type of romp about the new British PM falling in love with one of his staffers; (2) a guy with a fabulous wife who risks it all by contemplating an affair with his predatory secretary; (3) a has-been rock star who gets one last chance at glory by remaking a popular Christmas song; (4) a chap who secretly loves his best friend’s fiancee but hides it under an ice-cold exterior for fear of her finding out; (5) a cuckolded writer who goes to Portugal to mend his broken heart only to fall for his maid who doesn’t speak English; (6) a mousy American office worker who secretly pines for a hot South American co-worker; (7) two porn movie stand-ins (yes, really) who fall in love while blocking sex scenes on set; (8) a grieving widower who helps his young son nab the girl he has a crush on in school; (9) a schlub who travels to Minnesota, convinced that his British accent will be like catnip to the American chicks he encounters; and, last but definitely not the, uh, last: (10) the aforementioned mousy American office worker’s problems dealing with her mentally-impaired brother.

After reviewing the rather extensive catalog of ideas above, Curtis probably just snapped his fingers and exclaimed: “That’s it! I’ll just mash all these stories together and create… the ultimate romantic comedy!!! I’m brilliant!!! I’M FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!”

Well, that’s exactly what happened, and the resulting film was… LOVE ACTUALLY. We don’t get just one romantic comedy plot thread. We get, like, fifteen or something. How well you tolerate this film is based on how well you tolerate romantic comedies in general. If you have a passing-to-okay regard for the genre, you’ll do fine. If you love the genre, you’ll be in Nirvana.

If, however, your tolerance level is anything less than passing-to-okay, you will likely go into diabetic shock or eyeball-rolling so strenuous your eyes may be damaged permanently. Be warned.

I won’t go into the details of who plays who. Given the sheer number of characters on parade, that could take awhile and I have dinner plans in four hours. I leave the parsing of who’s-who up to you all. Just remember what I said about the sugar shock and eyeball calisthenics…


BUT, SERIOUSLY: What saves LOVE ACTUALLY from being a potentially and particularly lethal form of Romantic Comedy overdose is the wonderfully dry British humor that highlights the proceedings. When you’re telling over a dozen love stories, it helps to add just enough droll tartness to the events to keep them from being corny or overly saccharine. Writer/director Richard Curtis has proven this knack of being sardonic yet sincere with his scripts for FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL and NOTTING HILL. He scores again here.

The only thing that keeps LOVE ACTUALLY from scoring higher is that none of the romances are explored fully. Which is completely understandable, since there’s so many of them and so very little time to touch on them all. The result is just enough of an interest in all of the plot threads to keep us hooked, but no deep emotional connection to any of them - and no corresponding real catharsis. The closest I came to such an investment and release was in the Alan Rickman-Emma Thompson-Heike Makastch triangle. And even then, it’s due to Emma Thompson’s uncanny ability to reveal the full inner life of a character in so little time with so very few gestures and expressions.

Nevertheless, LOVE ACTUALLY score as high as it does because of the sweet-yet-snarky way it wears its heart on its sleeves. Also, points must be given to Richard Curtis and his sharp cast (not a false note among them) for creating and sustaining a relentless cheerful atmosphere that never becomes cloying or obnoxious. As I mentioned before, a little dry humor goes a long way in anchoring emotion, and that’s never more apparent than here.

In our review for CRUSH (review # 167), I mentioned that any good or great romance is enriched by the power of its individual scenes. In LOVE ACTUALLY, as you can imagine, those scenes are abundant. Just some gems to look for: (1) Juliet (Keira Knightley) discovering that Mark (Andrew Lincoln) actually loves her when she views his video recording of her wedding to Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) - all the shots and angles are focused on her; (2) Karen (Emma Thompson) receiving a fateful gift from her husband (Alan Rickman), and instantly realizing he’s been cheating on her; (3) David (Hugh Grant) first meeting his staffer Natalie (Martine McCutcheone), and instantly falling for her when she screws up the introduction; (4) Mark later silently declaring his love for Juliet via flash cards; (5) Jamie (Colin Firth) haltingly proposing to Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) in badly-worded Portuguese; and last but definitely not the least: (6) Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) realizing his true love (platonic) in life has been his much-abused but always-loyal manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher). Joe’s reaction to Billy’s surprise declaration is one of the film’s best lines: “Well, this is a surprise! Ten minutes at Elton John’s - and you’re as gay as a maple!”

Priceless. Simply priceless.

Special mention should also go to Craig Armstrong’s lovely main theme. Armstrong’s trademarks are brooding, atmospheric, and moody thriller scores (THE BONE COLLECTOR, THE QUIET AMERICAN, BEST LAID PLANS), so it’s nice to see him go “light” with the beautiful, gentle music score in LOVE ACTUALLY. This music helps the film from being too droll and dry, and anchors the multiple love stories in a sweet, but also real, way.

In the end, LOVE ACTUALLY is a very pleasant and upbeat film that deserves credit for creating the template that American rom-coms like VALENTINE’S DAY and NEW YEAR’S EVE (coming soon) would try to replicate. I don’t know about NEW YEAR’S EVE, because that doesn’t come out until next December, but I can tell you that VALENTINE’S DAY doesn’t even come close to the fizzy yet forthright way that LOVE ACTUALLY reminds us that love, actually, is all around us.

Just look around, and look closely… and not just with your eyes. It’s there.

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR THE WEEK OF 12/27/10 - 1/2/11

Hello, folks... even though I still owe you seven Christmas Flick reviews, I'd like to stay on track with the schedule and post next week's Party Flick theme - in honor of New Year's...

Make it an an awesome New Year's!

# 198 - PROM NIGHT: 1980 (AKA: I guess a hotel suite is out of the question tonight, eh?)

# 199 - THE POOL: 2001 (AKA: Killer Pool Party. Literally.)

# 200 - CAN'T HARDLY WAIT: 1998 (AKA: Jennifer Love Hewitt's Girls. Need I Say More?)

# 201 - I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER: 2009 (AKA: Probably Shouldn't Drink Before Delivering A Graduation Speech)

# 202 - BACHELOR PARTY: 1984 (AKA: Men Being Men)

# 203 - THE ALLNIGHTER: 1987 (AKA: Women Being Men)

# 204 - TERROR TRAIN: 1980 (AKA: Killer New Year's Eve Party. Literally.)













Get the Pinot Noir and jello shots ready!!!

REVIEW UPDATE: The Christmas Flicks and New Year's Flicks...

Hi, folks...

Hope everyone had a great Holiday week. Now that all the Soccer Flicks are in the can, I still owe you seven reviews for Christmas Flicks for last week. No worries. I should be able to get those in the can by Wednesday or so, then we're on to next week's Party Flicks for New Year's. These movies may not necessarily be about New Year's, but they're all about gettin' down!

As a reminder, please find below the list of Christmas Flicks... Please note that I switches out SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW and replaced it with THE HOLIDAY. I am saving SMILLA for Imperiled Americans Overseas Week in early January.

Please see the revised list below. I will also release next week's schedule of Party Flicks shortly...

# 191 - LOVE, ACTUALLY (Romantic Comedy)

# 192 - BLACK CHRISTMAS (Horror)

# 193 - A CHRISTMAS STORY (Comedy)

# 194 - DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER (Action)

# 195 - SCROOGED (Comedy)

# 196 - GREMLINS (Comedy/Horror)

# 197 - THE HOLIDAY (Romantic Comedy)







Auguri, folks!

# 190 - VICTORY (1981)

VICTORY (1981 - DRAMA/WAR/SOCCER FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****

(Allied POWs vs. the German National Team in WWII. Talk about complicated…)




CAST: Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine, Max Von Sydow, Pele, Bobby Moore, Carole Laure.

DIRECTOR: John Huston

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some serious war-time soccer competitions straight ahead…




For Soccer Flick week, we’ve reviewed six films so far. While the plot and characters of these movies may be superficially different from one another, the common theme is the driving passion the characters have for the sport of soccer/football.

In BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, we had a heroine who had to surmount cultural and gender expectations to pursue her love of football. In GOAL!, we had an impoverished East Los Angeleno who crossed the Atlantic to make his mark in the Newcastle United club. In THE GAME OF THEIR LIVES, we had the true story of five Italian-Americans from St. Louis who fought their way onto the U.S. National Team and subsequently trounce the British Team at the 1950 World Cup.

Then we reviewed SHAOLIN SOCCER, which combined the unique grace and force found in both Kung Fu and soccer to create a one-of-a kind game experience. We then moved on to KICKING AND SCREAMING, an inferior Will Ferrell flick that became an average Soccer Flick with the help of two gifted Italian players. And our last review was THE CUP, a quietly breathtaking gem that told the exquisite tale of a group of monks in the Himalayas who don’t let their simple lifestyle keep them from indulging their passion for soccer.

Now, we turn to our latest review, which deals with a group of Allied prisoner-of-wars in World War II Germany who find themselves pitted against the German National Team at the orders of the German High Command. Things gets really complicated, though, when the POWs decide to use the soccer match as an opportunity to escape.

Most prominent among the prisoners are: (1) Captain Jack Colby (Michael Caine), a Brit officer who used to be a football star before the war; (2) Captain Robert Hatch (Sylvester Stallone), a fiery American officer determined to escape; and (3) Cpl Luis Fernandez (Pele), a South American enlisted troop who looks and plays a lot like super-footballer Pele. Oh, that’s right. Pele plays him. My bad.

Anyhow, the whole “POWs vs. Germans” thang gets going when kind-natured German officer Major Karl Von Steiner (Max Von Sydow) notices the prisoners engaging in a lively match in the prison camp. Turns out Von Steiner himself was an avid football player before the war, and approaches ringleader Colby about staging a match between his men and the German troop at an nearby army base. To ease morale, according to Von Steiner. “Wouldn’t it be better if nations could settle their differences on the football pitch?” asks the enlightened German. Preach, brother, preach.

Colby, not exactly in a position to say nein, agrees. Unfortunately, the German High Command hears about Von Steiner’s plans and takes the whole thing out of his hands. Next thing you know, the soccer match has been turned into a propaganda tool to show that POWs are not being mistreated. And they are no longer going to be playing against the local German army troops - but against the German National Team in Paris.

Kind of a step up, wouldn’t you say? Anyhow, faced with the prospect of being transported out of the prison camp, some of our POWs naturally start plotting an escape using the soccer match as an excuse. Hatch, for his part, has been trying to escape for months now, and knows that if he can get on the soccer team, he’s as good as gone. Colby, on the other hand, knows that Hatch is just interested in a “Get out of POW Camp Free” card, and does his best to keep him off the team. Especially with Hatch’s knack for playing the “American Way.” Which mean, I guess, crazy and explosive like a monkey on crack.

But can Colby resist for long, especially with his superiors breathing down his neck to use the match as a chance to escape? And especially since Hatch has contacts in Paris who can help them get away? But is it all going to be that easy? Won’t the German troops be closely guarding the team in Paris? Will the POWs even get the chance? What about Renee (Carole Laure), Hatch’s beautiful French contact? Will she get pulled into the fray? What about Colby’s promise to Von Steiner that there would be no escape attempt? Will Von Steiner regret the leap of faith he took for Colby, Hatch, and the rest of their gang? Or will he - GASP! - help them somehow?

Not telling. All I’ll say is I feel bad for Von Steiner. You try to give some dudes a break - and they try to fly the coop in return. Nice, guys. Very nice.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: I’ve mentioned in past reviews that I have a special affection for films from the 80’s and earlier decades. These movie told their stories in an old-fashioned way that valued a measured build-up that allowed the viewer to pulled into the rhythms of the plot and characters. The result: a substantial investment and interest in the events of the story - and the fates of the characters.

VICTORY uses this approach, as well as a classic three-act structure that effectively builds tension and suspense. The first act is concerned with limning the various characters in the Allied POW camp, as well as planting the seeds of the soccer match plot thread that will explode later on. The second act deals with the covert attempts of the prisoners to use the match in Paris as a chance to escape, as well as with the growing concerns of the German military that this might happen. Finally, the third act deals with the climactic showdown between the POWs and the German National Team in a Paris stadium. Also, the much-awaited escape takes shape here, and the fates of our various heroes are decided.

The cast is uniformly good and perfectly-suited to their roles. Michael Caine brings his trademark “no-bullshit” quality to the role of the very direct and stubborn Jack Colby. Caine, however, also effectively shows Colby’s unswerving dedication to the well-being of his men, which leads to his reluctance to partake in the escape attempt because the last thing he wants to do is endanger their lives. Caine displays this internal conflict through some expressive acting.

Stallone gets the showier role of the hot-tempered but also good-hearted American officer Robert Hatch. Initially, Hatch is only concerned with his escape, but as he becomes more and more involved in the football games, he learns the value of being on a team. In the end, he fights just as much for his friends’ survival as his own. Stallone has always been underrated as an actor, but he shines in VICTORY. Especially in a scene where the team must make a difficult choice: escape - or go back to the football field and beat the German National Team to prove a point?

The famed Brazilian soccer player, Pele, does reasonably well with his role of Cpl Luis Fernandez. He shines brightest, though, on the soccer field. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Still, Pele acquits himself well in his dramatic scenes with his co-stars, even if he doesn’t quite match them. Meanwhile, Carole Laure does well in her small role of Renee, the Parisienne who risks her life to help Hatch and his friends.

The best performance in VICTORY, though, comes from one of my favorite actors ever: Max Von Sydow, who plays the conflicted and decent German officer Karl Von Steiner. Von Sydow has always excelled at playing complex characters, and hinting at hidden levels beneath cool exteriors and Von Steiner is no different. This is a guy who is bewildered at the war going around him. It’s this confusion that drives him to reach out to the POWs in act of generosity by suggesting the match between the POWs and Germany. It’s a testament to the sympathy that Von Steiner generates in us that we are just as concerned for him as we are for the POWs. After all, if the POWs escapes, Von Steiner’s career (and life?) is on the line.

In the end, VICTORY is a rewarding and exciting film that takes the adrenaline charge of an escape attempt, blends it with the kinetic speed of soccer, and knocks one into the net.
Some folks may not be able to swallow the fact that these POWs choose to finish the game instead of escaping earlier, but isn’t that what soccer is about? Fighting to the finish?

# 189 - THE CUP (1999)

THE CUP (1999 - COMEDY/SOCCER FLICK) **** out of *****

(I wonder who the Dalai Lama is betting on to win the World Cup?)



CAST: Orgyen Tobgyal, Jamyang Lodro, Neten Chokling, Lama Chonjor, Kunsang Nyima, Pem Tshundup, Lama Godhi.

DIRECTOR: Khyentse Norbu.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and the most unexpected (and unlikely) soccer fans straight ahead…




We American soccer fans are spoiled. It cannot be denied. Whenever World Cup time rolls around, all we have to do is park our happy asses in front of the telly and absorb the best matches of the best game in the world. Or, better yet, at the local bar with our buddies for maximum electricity. And if the matches play during the work hours, we can always record it for viewing later - or just take the day off. Trust me - if there was ever a good reason to take the day off, it’s watching the World Cup.

The point is not everyone has it as easy as us when it comes to being able to witness the greatest event (every four years, anyway) of arguably the greatest sport in history. Proof of that lies in our latest review, the wonderful 1999 Bhutanese movie THE CUP, which revolves around the “football fever” that grips of a group of monks in an isolated Tibetan exile monastery in the mountains of Northern India.

It’s World Cup 1998 time, and every night, several monks sneak out of the monastery and scurry to a nearby village to join the locals in watching the matches. See, the monastery doesn’t have a television, which poses a problem for keeping up with the matches. This clandestine group of soccer-crazy monks is led by the young Orygen (Jamyang Lodro), a spunky monk-in-training whose love of the sport is matched only be determined resourcefulness.

These nightly soccer sojourns come to an end when the monastery’s stern second-in-command, Geko (Orygen Tobygal), catches Orygen and his cronies sneaking back one evening. As punishment, they are ordered to handle cooking duties for the entire place for three months. And if they are caught sneaking away to watch soccer again, they will be banished from the monastery for good.

This poses a problem for Orygen, as he lives, eats, breathes, and sweats football. And the finals are that evening. Unless he comes up with a daring plan, he and his fellow monks will not see it. Sure enough, Orygen comes up with one - which involves begging Geko to let them rent a small black-and-white TV and satellite dish to set up in one of the monastery’s rooms - so that the entire monastery can partake in the singular pleasure of the World Cup finals.

Will Geko go for it? Or will he convince the monastery’s head abbott that soccer is corrupting the young monks? Is the head abbott himself a soccer fan? And even if they allow it, will Orygen be able to collect enough money from the monks to be able to rent a TV? Will the thing even work? Will it conk out at the crucial moment? Like during a crucial shot during the final match between France and Brazil? If so, will the monks go apeshit, forget their peaceful avocation, and beat the crap out of each other like proper English football fans?

Hard to say. What I do know is this: I will never ever again take for granted my easy access to a bar with a television.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: I had a hard time getting through THE CUP. I kept falling asleep. This isn’t to say it’s a boring film. As you folks already know, I bestowed upon it a **** (very good) rating. It is a wonderful, unforgettable film. Why then did I keep nodding off?

Well, the film is filmed in an actual Tibetan monastery and the characters are not played by actors, but by real-life monks. It’s also based on true events. The result is an authentic feel that is surreal, soothing, calming, and hypnotic. The mellow atmosphere created by the combo of real setting and genuine monks is enough to lull anyone to sleep. None of it was boring. The very opposite, in fact. Director Khyentse Norbu captures the rhythms of this place so effectively and magically that you fall under its spell. I hope this makes sense…

What’s great about THE CUP though is that it’s really more than just soccer/football. It’s also about the simple pleasures in life, and how we should be grateful for everything we have. The monks in the monastery are under exile from the Chinese-inflicted conflicts in their home of Tibet. Displaced, these men are thrown together to form an unexpected community - or family - and must live simple lives. Which makes their passion for soccer all that more compelling

And soccer is just one of the many ways that they find to celebrate their connections to one another. Watching this impromptu family of exiles work and pray together is a pleasure to watch. But it is in soccer that they unite the strongest. Orygen’s irrepressible vivacity in trying to talk Geko into legitimizing this celebration by renting the TV - instead of forcing them to sneak into town for nightly visits - is what finally brings them together as one for real.

Like a lot of hidden gems, THE CUP derives great mileage from the smallest of pleasures. There are no explosions, no car chases, no dazzling special effects here. Just a group of men in one of the most isolated places on Earth who affirm our shared humanity by taking a great interest in something that people all over the world - in both urban and rural areas - are similary invested in: the great sport of soccer.

THE CUP is an undiscovered treasure. Find it now…

# 188 - KICKING AND SCREAMING (2005)

KICKING AND SCREAMING (2005 - COMEDY/SOCCER FLICK) **1/2 out of *****

(Thank goodness for those Eye-talians and their soccer genius, or this movie would totally bite it….)



CAST: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Mike Ditka, Kate Walsh, Dylan McLaughlin, Josh Hutcherson, Musetta Vander, Francesco Liotti, Alessandro Ruggiero.

DIRECTOR: Jesse Dylan.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and an overcaffeinated Will Ferrell straight ahead…




Italy loves football (AKA soccer). That is a fact. Italians themselves say that football is not just a passion for them, but a tradition. Just like pasta, art, wine, and Giorgio Armani. Italians both in Italy and abroad look to football almost as a symbol of their motherland. While many say that Britain is the birthplace of modern football, there are those that say the sport actually originated from the 16th century Italian game called calcio which would be played in public squares in Florence.

Italy’s hunger for football is reflected in the number of times it has claimed the World Cup. In 1934, 1936, 1982, and 2006, Bella Italia nabbed that most prestigious award possible for a national football team. Only Brazil trumps Italy for sheer number of World Cup wins: five to four.

Bottom line: football is in the blood of Italians. And Italians are known the world over for being exceptional soccer players. Further proof lies in our latest review, KICKING AND SCREAMING. Right now you’re probably wondering what the hell Italy has to do with a movie starring Will Ferrell. To which I say, “Patience, young Jedi… patience…”

Ferrell plays Phil Weston, a milquetoast Beta-Male of the highest order. He’s not so much mild-mannered and diffident as he is a “Walking Example of What Can Happen To Your Son If He Reads Too Many Issues of GOOD HOUSEKEEPING As A Child.” Yup, Phil is pretty much neutered, and its amazing that his wife Barbara (Kate Walsh) doesn’t trade him in for someone with more testosterone. Like, say, Uma Thurman.

Anyhow, Phil and Barbara have a young son named Sam (Dylan McLaughlin). Sam is on a soccer team coached by Phil’s over-competitive Alpha-Male father, Buck (Robert Duvall). If you’re wondering how this movie can ask us to accept that such as limp rag like Phil could ever spring forth from the sperm of someone so virile as Buck, well, take a fucking number.

At any rate, Buck’s over-competitive streak rears its vicious head when he decides to trade Sam to the lowest-ranked team in the league. Outraged that Buck would cut his own grandson for the sake of winning, Phil ends up coaching Sam’s new team, the Tigers. And let’s just say that these kids aren’t exactly future contenders for the World Cup. Needless to say, our Beta-Male hero has got his work cut out for him.

Sure enough, the Tigers pretty much prove why they’re lowest-ranked in the league. To say that they suck would be an insult to all things around the world that suck. Hell, I think I play soccer better than these ragamuffins - and that is saying something. Even when he gets coaching help in the form of his Dad’s new neighbor and nemesis, Mike Ditka (Mike Ditka - yes, he’s playing himself - don’t ask), Phil is still stuck up shit creek without a paddle. Or without a decent goalie. And since the Tigers are scheduled to face off against Buck’s team in a few weeks, that’s a problem.

And this, folks, is where the Italy part of the story comes in. See, one day Mike takes Phil to an Italian butcher shop where they notice two Italian kids, Gian Piero (Francesco Liotti) and Massimo (Alessandro Ruggiero), expertly kicking around a wad of paper like it’s a soccer ball. Dazzled, they plead with the boys’ uncle, Umberto (Joseph Sicari), to let them play soccer, er, football, er… you know what I mean.

At any rate, Umberto eventually agrees… and just like that, the Tigers actually stand a chance against the rest of the league. In fact, the first time Gian Piero and Massimo hit the field, everyone just stands there gaping at them as the two Italians (or “Eye-talians” according to Mike) maneuver the ball like young versions of Fabio Cannavaro or Gianluigi Buffon. In other words: THEY SHOOT, THEY SCORE!!!!

Yup. As you can imagine, the Tigers’ new game strategy becomes: “Pass the ball to the Eye-talians!”

It’s at this point that the Tigers actually start to get better and better. But are Gian Piero and Massimo enough to make up for the rest of the slugs on the team? Can all the Tigers get good enough to beat Buck’s team? Or will they get summarily trounced? Will Phil and Buck ever reconcile? Or will they continue to behave just as maturely as the kids they’re coaching? What the hell is Mike Ditka doing in this movie? Couldn’t he have taken up gardening instead?

Whatever. Just watch out for the scene where Phil discovers the wonders of, ahem, drinking coffee. It’ll make you think twice before working as a barista.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Saying it up front: the only reason that KICKING AND SCREAMING avoids scoring less than **1/2 (average) and becoming mediocre or even utter crap are the surprisingly engaging soccer scenes. Especially when Gian Piero and Massimo join the team. The actors playing them have a fluidity and grace with the ball that is both kinetic and hypnotic in equal measure. Supposedly, Alessandro Ruggiero and Francesco Liotti were brought over from Italy to play these roles. The result is great: the final soccer match is breathtakingly exciting.

Thank goodness, too, because the film is weak in all other departments. As a comedy, it is very uneven. While Will Ferrell can be brilliant and hilarious (as in THE OTHER GUYS), he can also be grating and obnoxious when he’s not in his groove. Most of the time in KICKING AND SCREAMING, he isn’t in his groove and is only sporadically amusing at best. Particularly cringe-worthy are the scenes where he experiments with drinking coffee and when he has panic attacks from recollecting his difficult childhood with Buck. Ferrell and the script try to milk these scenes for laughs, but it’s futile.

Also, the central conflict between Phil and Buck is never adequately explored, or satisfactorily resolved. Ostensibly, this is a kiddie comedy and not a deep meditation on father-son relationships, but we still need a real sense of the connection (or lack of) between them to understand Phil’s motivation to try to beat his own father and his team at soccer. Whatever potential identification there is with Phil’s dilemma is squashed by Ferrell’s over-acting. Duvall doesn’t fare much better, as his character is basically a one-note jerk.

So, once again, it comes down to those soccer scenes. Whenever KICKING AND SCREAMING moves to the field, with the Tigers being led by Gian Piero and Massimo to little-league victory, the movie comes alive and becomes better. Unfortunately, we spend more time off-field with the bickering parents and coaches - and that drags the movie down. If the off-field scenes were just as dynamic as the on-field ones, KICKING AND SCREAMING would rate much higher.

In the end, the two and a half stars that this film gets are because of the two brilliant “Eye-talian” players who elevate the film from being a crappy Will Ferrell vehicle to an averagely-exciting soccer flick. Without Gian Piero and Massimo’s soccer skills, this DVD wouldn’t be worth using as a beer coaster, let alone a dollar rental.

Viva Italia!

REVIEW UPDATE: The Soccer Flicks, The X-Mas Flicks, and Seasons Greetings!

Hiya, folks...

Just a quick note to wish everyone a very Happy Christmas spent with friends and family or both.

Please note that the last of the Soccer Flicks will post by tomorrow evening, and the last of the Christmas Flicks will post by Tuesday or so. Then we're on to our Party Flicks for New Year's!

Everyone be happy!

Love,
S.

# 187 - SHAOLIN SOCCER (2001)

SHAOLIN SOCCER (2001 - COMEDY/MARTIAL ARTS/SOCCER FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****

(And you thought a bicycle kick was the coolest thing you’d ever see on the soccer field…)



CAST: Stephen Chow, Man Tat Ng, Wei Zhao, Tin Tse, Kai Man Tin, Chi Chung Lam, Chi Chiung Lam, Kwok-Kwan Chan.

DIRECTOR: Stephen Chow

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and gravity-defying, logic-busting, pants-wetting soccer antics straight ahead…




Some folks say that the earliest traces of soccer (AKA football) can be found in ancient China, around 200 B.C. Right around then, apparently, a game called tsu chu was the shiznit. Tsu means kick and chu means ball. Add that up, and it’s not too hard to imagine a bunch of ancient Chinese jocks executing wicked diving headers and launching thunderous volleys towards… a goal made of bamboo. Then running off to have a post-game cup of green tea or something. Then banging some groupie in a kimono or something. Oh, wait… kimonos are from Japan.

Whatever. Anyhow, I’ve been fascinated by soccer since I was a gangly high-schooler who tried to make the team - and subsequently struck out like ISHTAR on opening weekend. Evidently, the soccer captain thought that the stray cats hanging out in the trash dump behind the school had better soccer skills. And, well, he was right.

Too bad I didn’t know any martial arts, or else the following would’ve happened: (1) I would’ve dragged the soccer captain into that aforementioned back alley and beat the living shit out of him; and (2) I might have actually stood a chance at joining the soccer team? What do I mean? What does martial arts have to do with the ability to play soccer? Well, read on, grasshopper…

Our latest film is called SHAOLIN SOCCER, and it revolves around a bunch of underachieving bums who were once students at the same shaolin school, where they learned… Kung Fu. But we don’t get to meet these guys until later, though. First, we are introduced to “Golden Leg” Fung (Man Tat Ng) when he’s just an adolescent star soccer player in Shanghai. His nickname is the based on the fact that he can basically score a goal from anywhere on a pitch (field, to us Yanks).

Unfortunately, all that God-given soccer talent is kind of compromised by a cruel nature that must be Satan-given. To wit, Fung basically abuses fellow player Hung (Yin Tse), a shy dude completely unaware that his name is the name of an American cable series about a dude with a humongous cock. Or the fact that, if he were in the States, he’d be the most popular kid in school.

At any rate, Fung gets his comeuppance when he royally fucks up a penalty tie-breaker shot. Specifically, his “Golden Leg” turns out to be “Gold-Plated” and he kicks the ball over the goal and into the bleachers. Which leads the spectators to storm the field - and beat the shit out of him for losing the game. To make matters worse, one of the hooligans bashes one of his knees. Guess that leg ain’t so golden anymore, eh? Meanwhile, Hung walks away smirking, as if from some secret knowledge. And perhaps the realization that his name has a very special meaning in the English-speaking world.

Flash forward, like, forty years or something and we discover that Hung, evidently having a smaller dick than we thought, is now some sort of evil megalomaniac. How do I know he really ain’t, um, hung after all? Well, if he really did have a large sausage he wouldn’t be compensating by trying so hard to take over the goddamned world. He’d be drinking beer and shooting pool at a local bar and wielding the easygoing charm that comes with knowing you’ve got a torpedo in your pants capable of reducing someone’s crotch to orgasmic vapor. I’m just saying…

Meanwhile, in a rather hilarious role-reversal, Fung has basically turned into Hung’s lackey. Still encumbered from that mob-inflicted injury, Fung limps around Hung’s evil genius headquarters taking care of odd jobs (not the Bond villain - real tasks). Eventually, though, Hung realizes he has no use for the soccer player-turned-gimp and tells him to take a hike.

Forlorn, Fung wanders downtown Shanghai trying to find a new purpose in life. Hopefully one that is just a little less pathetic than the one he had before. I mean, when you end up your nemesis’ bitch-boy, that’s pretty much the jackpot of the Sad Sweepstakes. Fortunately, things take a turn for the better when Fung notices a young garbage collector, Sing (Stephen Chow), practicing his Kung Fu moves on the sidewalk.


After a brief introduction that ends badly for a passing female pedestrian (don‘t ask), Fung and Sing end up buddies. Well, sort of. Later on, Sing also makes the acquaintance of pretty but acne-ridden sweet bun maker, Mui (Wei Zhao), who knows how to use her hands and fingers. No, not that way. Perverts. To say the least, Sing is instantly smitten. After all, maybe her knowledge of handling sweet buns extends to the figurative sense, after all.

Anyhow, through a series of events that make the Looney Tunes cartoons look like gritty documentaries, Fung realizes the following things: (1) Sing’s kung fu moves would be ideal for soccer; (2) Sing should gather up his five other kung fu brothers and Mui to form a team; and (3) they should battle Hung’s band of superhuman players who have banded together to form, ahem, “Team Evil.” Yes, really.

Will Fung, Sing, Mui, and the rest of their rag-tag team of drunks, weirdos, and dorks stand a chance against Hung and Team Evil? Or will Team Evil whip their asses but good? Who will win the Soccer Match To End All Soccer Matches? And the most importance question of all: if Hung is really an insecure tyrant with a dick the size of gherkin, shouldn’t he, you know, change his fucking name?

Find out for yourselves. I need some more wine.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: I didn’t give SHAOLIN SOCCER a ***½ (good) rating because of its humor. It is indeed funny in a broad, yet surprisingly droll and clever way - but that is not its best quality. Nor did I bestow this rating because of its cast. While they seem competent and professional, it's not too easy to accurately gauge performances delivered in a foreign language - especially Chinese.

No. The reason I rate SHAOLIN SOCCER fairly high is because of the sheer brilliance and execution of its concept: a team that combines Kung Fu with soccer. The premise has never been done before and can truly be classified as original - and the execution is kinetic and visually dynamic. In short, this movie succeeds because it goes where no soccer flick - or any other flick, for that matter - has gone before.

I’ve always said that there is a certain grace to soccer that is both soft and hard at the same time. The same is true of Kung Fu, which displays fluid, hypnotic movement that can suddenly turn focused, lethal, and explosive. Like I mentioned to a friend the other day, I’m surprised no one thought of cinematically combining the two before.

Actor/director Stephen Chow brilliantly realizes this concept not only in the dynamic soccer matches between Team Kung Fu and Team Evil, but also in the physical exchanges between Fung, Sing, and Mui. In fact, physical movement is almost another form of dialogue in this film. Especially in those soccer matches, which bring to life metaphorical imagery like flaming balls, earth-shattering kicks, and death-defying kicks.

I shouldn’t say any more about SHAOLIN SOCCER, because as with Chow’s 2005 hit KUNG FU HUSTLE, this film’s greatest thrill is discovering it yourself. What I will say is its brings the most awesome game in the world to brilliant, hyper-real life with confidence, skill, and charm. The only reason it doesn’t get **** or higher is because there isn’t much soccer action in the first half…

… but watch out for that second half. GOAL!

REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Four Soccer Flicks...

Hello, folks...

Hope everyone is doing fine. It's a very busy week for real-life Christmas errands, so I hope you folks understand if I'm not able to post the last four soccer flicks until this weekend. Don't worry... Once Christmas Week is over we'll get right back on track.

Thanks for understanding... And Advanced Merry Christmas to everyone...

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR THE WEEK OF 12/20/10 - 12/26/10

Hiya, folks...

It's Christmas time and what kind of armchair critic would I be if I reviewed any other kind of movie this week besides Christmas Flicks...

Please find the list below:

# 191 - LOVE ACTUALLY: 2004 (AKA Love Makes The Bloody World Go 'Round)

# 192 - BLACK CHRISTMAS: 1974 (AKA: Pretty Strong Argument For Not Staying Behind In Your Sorority During Christmas Break)

# 193 - A CHRISTMAS STORY: 1983 (AKA: I Guess That Kid Really Wants That Red Ryder BB Gun)

# 194 - DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER: 1990 (AKA: More Explosions. Less Believable Action)

# 195 - GREMLINS: 1984 (AKA: My Cat's Relatives)

# 196 - SCROOGED: 1988 (AKA: Bill Murray And The Ghost of Christmas Hilarious)

# 197 - SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW: 1997 (AKA: Worst. Christmas. Ever.)

REVIEW UPDATE: The rest of the Soccer Flicks....

Hi, folks... sorry for the delay in getting the rest of the Soccer Flicks posted. That should happen by Tuesday at the latest. Had a busy weekend since its the last one before Christmas hits. As a reminder, the last four Soccer Flicks are listed below:

# 187 - SHAOLIN SOCCER

# 188 - KICKING AND SCREAMING

# 189 - THE CUP

# 190 - ESCAPE TO VICTORY

Speaking of Christmas, next week's theme will be Christmas Flicks - movies about Christmas or set during Christmas. The list of films will be released shortly.

Once we get the last of the Soccer Flicks posted, we'll jump right into reviewing the Christmas Flicks...

Ciao!

# 186 - THE GAME OF THEIR LIVES (2005)

THE GAME OF THEIR LIVES (2005 - DRAMA/SOCCER FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(Limeys vs. Guidos. Go GUIDOS!!!!)



CAST: Gerard Butler, Wes Bentley, Jay Rodan, Costas Mandylor, Louis Mandylor, Zachery Bryan, Gavin Rossdale, Patrick Stewart, John Rhys-Davies.

DIRECTOR: David Anspaugh

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and lots of Anglo/Italo football conflict… straight ahead.




Our last two reviews, BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM and GOAL!: THE DREAM BEGINS, revolved around the on-the-field and in-the-locker-room conflict of British teams. Our latest review, however, focuses squarely on the true story of a rowdy bunch of Italian-Americans from St. Louis who, in 1950, went on to join the U.S. Team - and subsequently kicked the asses of the British Team at that year’s World Cup in Brazil.

As anyone who follows football and the World Cup knows, the U.S. ultimately got spanked by Chile and never made it to the finals that year, despite their victory against the British. But that’s not the point. The point is the U.S. Team was the underdog-of-underdogs during that time, with scarcely anyone but the relatives of the players having any faith that they’d even make a dent in the action. And because football had been an institution in the British isles for centuries, everyone fully expected the British Team to wallop the Yanks. As we know by now, the reverse happened: the rag-tag ream of Italian-Americans and others went on to beat the Brits, 0-1.

Not much of a victory, you say? Well, consider this: although soccer (football) had been in the American colonies since around 1863, and despite the establishment of the American Football Association in 1884, by 1950 the sport was still barely-embraced in the U.S. Meanwhile, the UK is said to be the birthplace of the modern football, with early forms of the sport reportedly being played as far back as the 3rd Century. So having the Americans beat the Brits at the 1950 World Cup was kind of like Daniel-San beating the shit out of Mr. Miyagi after only one lesson.

Our story begins in 1950 in St. Louis, which is one of the few places in the U.S. that had fully embraced soccer (AKA football) at that time. This is said to be because of the high number of Italian immigrants who flooded the La Montagna (the hill) neighborhood of that city. They brought their love of football with them from the Old Country, and passed it on to their sons who grew up to be just as passionate about the sport as their fathers. It is from the La Montagna that the key players of the 1950 U.S. Team would be culled.

They are: (1) Frank Borghi (Gerard Butler), a keeper who can block practically anything trying to enter the net; (2) Charlie “Gloves” Columbo (Costas Mandylor), named such because he, uh, wears gloves and is an enforcer on the field (3) Gino Pariani (Louis Mandylor) scorer and passer extraordinaire who looks like a smaller version of Gloves; (4) Francis “Pee Wee” Wallace (Jay Rodan), lethal and intense attacker who must be part Italian because someone calls him a “dago” at one point in the film; and (5) Harry Keogh (Zachery Bryan), clever and crafty mid-fielder who is always in the right place at the right time.

These five dudes’ quiet existence is given a jolt of adrenalin when they learn that try-outs for the U.S. Team for the 1950 World Cup will be taking place right in St. Louis. This is kind of like the football version of an amateur singer learning that the “American Idol” crew is swinging through town. But much more exciting. And less painful to the ears.

During the tryouts, our five Italian-Americans (well, four, because unless Harry’s one of ‘em blond-blue-eyed Italians, he doesn’t count) meet their Eastern counterparts led by Walter Bahr (Wes Bentley), a precise and methodical player who aims to teach the rowdy guys from La Montagna the discipline necessary to be able to compete against the foreign teams that have eat, breath, live, and shit football 365 days a year.

Will our Italian-American heroes learn to work with their, uh, non-Italian-American counterparts as teammates? Will they end up beating the shit out of each other on the field? Or will they form a cohesive team? How will they fare against the British team led by the brilliant Stanley Mortensen (Gavin Rossdale)? Who will get spanked on the ass and called “Silly Susan?”

Well, anyone who follows World Cup history (or already seen this movie) should know. Suffice it to say, those Brits better like the taste of humble pie…


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Why soccer took so long to lay roots in the United States is a mystery to me. As I wrote before, I love it for its combination of electricity, grace, adrenalin, and - yes - poetry. There’s a certain beauty to pictures of soccer players frozen in the air as they try to block the ball - or score a goal by slamming their bodies into it. As I once said to someone that I think of soccer as a rough form of ballet, and all you have to do is look at pictures of soccer games to see that.

THE GAME OF OUR LIVES tells the story of a time in American history when soccer was almost considered a non-event in the U.S. This makes the real-life efforts of these five Italian-Americans and their new teammates to go the distance at the 1950 World Cup all the more poignant and remarkable.

The act of triumphing over the British Team can be likened to David battling Goliath - and winning. And it really happened. Add to that the fact that there hadn’t been a World Cup since 1938 when Italy won, and you can understand how precious the U.S. win against the British was at the 1950 World Cup.

The cast is uniformly good. Gerard Butler makes Frank Borghi into a stoic and selfless role model for the rest of the team. Wes Bentley as the sort of co-leader Walter Bahr is a good match for Butler, as the coolly-measured Bahr is for the more mellow Borghi. Costas and Louis Mandylor, brothers in real life, do well as Gloves and Gino. Louis Mandylor, in particular, has a nice vulnerability that tempers his roughness on the field. Jay Rodan and Zachery Bryan also fare well as the hot-tempered Pee Wee and the earnest Harry. The rest of the team and the actors playing them are all equally solid.

If THE GAME OF OUR LIVES has a flaw, it’s in the script. Some of the dialogue is a little too “on-the-nose” and spells everything out neatly. Also, the musical score tends to be a little too intrusive. While it is a lovely composition, it is used a little too much. Having the characters communicate through subtext more, and toning down the use of the score just a tad would’ve resulted in a much more powerful film. However, the film's most glaring flaw is its over-reliance on the narration by one character recalling the events. This device is even more intrusive than the music, and weakens the dramatic narrative in some parts. Why not just let us discover things on our own?

Fortunately, these flaws do not significantly damage the film because the story at its heart is such a remarkable one. THE GAME OF OUR LIVES tells a remarkable true tale. A tale about a sport during a time when few believed in it - and the courageous and passionate few that fought to bring it - and their country - recognition.

Now, let’s set the countdown for the next World Cup….

# 185 - GOAL: THE DREAM BEGINS! (2005)

GOAL: THE DREAM BEGINS! (2005 - DRAMA/SOCCER FLICK) **** out of *****

(From East L.A. to Newcastle - how’s that for a shitty weather change?)



CAST: Kuno Becker, Alessandro Nivola, Anna Friel, Stephen Dillane, Sean Pewtree, Miriam Colon, Marcel Iures, Tony Plana, Cassandra Bell.

DIRECTOR: Danny Cannon

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one East Los Angeleno discovering just how nasty English mud can really be…




There’s been a few examples in the history of British football wherein American players came across the pond to play on the same teams as our cousins on the other side of the Atlantic. The most prominent among them were Eddie Lewis, who transferred from the San Jose Earthquakes, and Marcus Hahnemann, who transferred from the Colorado Rapids. In Britain, both started in the Fulham club before moving to other clubs in the country.

Lewis and Hahnemann’s experiences as American football players serving on UK teams parallel some of the events in our latest review, GOAL: THE DREAM BEGINS. Of course, Lewis and Hahnemann were already successful, established players when they went to play in England. The hero of GOAL, on the other hand, is not.

His name is Santiago Munez (Kuno Becker), and we first meet him as a child trying to cross the border as an illegal alien, along with his family and other desperate but hopeful folks. At the crucial moment, little Santiago drops his cherished soccer ball - and actually thinks about chasing after it down the hill - even with Border Patrol bearing down on him and his posse. Fortunately, Santiago’s dad (Tony Plana) yells some sense into this head and the youngster follows everyone through the hole in the fence.

Cut to ten years later, and we find that Santiago and his Pops are now plying a humble but tidy living as gardeners to the rich and fabulous of Los Angeles. Presumably, there are still without Green Cards, and must lay low. This becomes clear when Santiago questions the boss at his second job in a Chinese restaurant about why he hasn’t been promoted from busboy to waiter yet. The dude pretty much smirks and says its because: (1) Santiago doesn’t have that Green Card; and (2) even if he did have that Green Card, there’s a greater chance of Paris Hilton joining a convent than him becoming a waiter because (3) he’s not Chinese.

No worries, though, because as frustrating as gardening and bussing tables can get, Santiago has soccer (we’ll call it soccer while we’re still in the States) to turn to. His teammates are car wash personnel, and the coach looks like he runs a car wash. Needless to say, we’re not talking about Major League Soccer here.

Santiago dreams big, though. He’s not sure what he wants, but he knows it’s more than what he has right now. His father, though, tells him to get his fucking head out of the clouds and focus on trying to get a truck of their own so they can have their own gardening business, instead of relying on the largess (and truck) of others. In other words, unless something happens fast, Santiago looks ready to spend the rest of his days trimming the, uh, bushes of rich people. You know what I mean.

Fortunately, something does happen. While playing a game on the same field as a bunch of elementary school kids (if that’s not a sign that you are well below the Majors, I don’t know what is), Santiago’s natural ability gets the attention of visiting Brit tourist Glenn Foy (Stephen Dillane). Apparently, Glenn used to be a scout back in Britain, and is in America visiting his daughter and grandkids.

Knowing a good thing when he sees it, Glenn offers to have an agent come to Santiago’s next game to scope out our young gardener/busboy’s kicking and goaling talents. Unfortunately, the agent (Sean Pewtree) turns out to be a flaky lush who misses the game. Not giving up so easily, Glenn calls back home to the UK and wakes up Newcastle United club manager Eric Dornhelm (Marcel Iures) and practically blackmails the dude into giving Santiago a trial - if Santiago can find a way to get to England.

Four things are standing in Santiago’s way: (1) since he’s an illegal alien, he cannot fly out of L.A., and he’ll have to (2) cross the border into Mexico and fly out from there; (3) if things don’t pan out in the UK, he will not be able to come back to the U.S. because he lacks a Green Card; and (4) since his Dad stole his hidden money to buy that new truck, he doesn’t have money for a plane ticket.

Fortunately, Santiago’s grandmother (Miriam Colon) is of a stronger moral fiber than his father, and gives him enough money to cross over to Mexico, then fly to Europe from there. Leaving Pops to stew with rage at losing a business partner and a son. Seems like he’s more pissed about the business partner side.

Once Santiago arrives in the United Kingdom, he and Glenn hook up again and meet up with Eric, who arranges for a trial game to determine whether Santiago came halfway around the world for nothing - or if he actually has a future in British football like Eddie Lewis and Marcus Hahnemann. Note: now that we have crossed the Atlantic, we will no longer use the word “soccer.”

Will Santiago make the cut? If not, will he be given another chance? Does he have what it takes to play the “English Game?” Can he handle all that rain, mud, and droll humor? Or will he go back to L.A. with his tail tucked between his legs? What happens when he strikes up a friendship with star football player Gavin Harris (Alessandro Nivola)? Will Gavin have a negative influence on him? Or a positive one? What about the pretty team nurse, Roz (Anna Friel) who catches Santiago’s fancy? Do they have a future together? Does he have a future as star football player? And, most importantly, what will Santiago do when he finds out what’s in “blood pudding?”

Suffice it to say, he should’ve stuck to eggs and orange juice for breakfast… Or some English Breakfast tea. Sometimes, you gotta learn the hard way….


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Our last Soccer Flick review, BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, dealt with a Brit faced with the prospect of going to the U.S. to pursue a football scholarship. Our latest Soccer Flick review, GOAL: THE DREAM BEGINS, deals with the reverse: an American player who risks everything to cross the Atlantic and try and make it in the (arguable) birthplace of the sport itself.

Whereas BEND IT expertly weaved light humor with understated melancholy to deliver an important message of about staying true to your dream and yourself, GOAL goes the more serious route. Yes, there is humor but the melancholy is more prevalent in this film as we watch Santiago try to make something of himself, against all odds.

The movie has an undeniable visual power. From the warmly-lit opening scenes of young Santiago playing football with some friends in a dusty Mexican neighborhood and his life in L.A. ten years later, to the cooler tones of the Newcastle scenes, to the kinetic charge of the football matches themselves, director Danny Cannon hooks us in for the ride. It also helps that the cast is top-notch and nails their roles.

Talented character actors Stephen Dillane, Sean Pewtree, and Marcel Iures lend able support to the proceedings in pivotal roles. Anna Friel and Cassandra Bell are sharp as the female leads who each make the mistake of falling for football players. Bell, in particular, has only a couple of scenes, but she plays them with such subtle power and striking allure that the role feels bigger than it is. Still, you can’t help but wish her role would have been expanded. I have to wonder if some of her scenes were deleted for running time purposes.

The best performance, however, comes from Alessandro Nivola as Gavin Harris, the playboy player (in every sense of the word) who used to be great and is now teetering on the edge of becoming a has-been. Gavin is a layered character whose layers are gradually revealed as the story progresses. When we first meet him at a press conference, we can’t help but think he’s being positioned as some sort of nemesis for the up-and-coming Santiago.

GOAL’s biggest surprise, however, is that Gavin ends up being a vigilant big brother figure to the younger American player. Some of GOAL’s best scenes are of Gavin rising to defend and save Santiago from the powers-that-be, and also the two of them cooperating on the field to score some awesome goals. Santiago’s passion for the sport awakens Gavin’s forgotten integrity and his own love for the game. It’s a wonderful relationship that forms the emotional core of the movie.

As for the Los Angeles side of the story, Miriam Colon and Tony Plana are both perfect as Santiago’s caring and self-sacrificing grandmother, and his stern and pragmatic father. Colon and Plana are both affecting and have individual scenes where they simply shine.

Finally, there’s Kuno Becker as our hero Santiago. At first, it took me a little bit to warm to Becker’s portrayal. He seemed just a little too calm and composed for someone going through such a turbulent period, and I wasn't sure if this was the character or if it was a flaw in Becker's acting. However, Santiago is just as layered a character as his soul brother Gavin, and as those layers are revealed, I started to realize that Becker’s initial aloofness is part of the role he’s playing. Clearly, Santiago has had a difficult life, and his time as a gang member in East L.A. obviously had a lot to do with his tendency to hide his feelings under an impassive surface. In the end, Becker turns in just as strong a performance as his peers, and he and Nivola as Gavin anchor the film with their platonic “Bro-Mance.”

To sum up, GOAL is like the football version of ROCKY: it’s exciting, inspiring, moving, and ultimately, uplifting. In short, it’s like the sport of football itself.

# 184 - BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (2002)

BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (2002 - COMEDY/DRAMA/SOCCER FLICK) ****1/2 out of *****

(These chicks give “chesting it” a whole new meaning…)



CAST: Parminder Nagra, Keira Knightley, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Juliette Stevenson, Anupam Kher, Frank Harper, Shaheen Khan, Ameet Chana.

DIRECTOR: Gurinder Chadha

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and estrogen-fueled soccer (excuse me, football) antics straight ahead




They say that the true origins of the sport of soccer (or football) can be traced to ancient China, 200 years before the birth of Christ, when Chinese players would kick a ball into goals made of bamboo and netting. This game was referred to as tsu chu. Tsu means “Kick” and Chu means “Ball.” You folks do the math.

Britain and Italy, however, also have laid claim on title of “Country From Which Modern Football (AKA Soccer) Originated From.”

Italians claim that the 16th century sport called calcio which originated in Florence is the true ancestor of modern football. This game was played in the Piazza Della Croce and Piazza Santa Maria Di Novella, and an annual re-enactment is still held to this day in modern Florence.

Britain, however, has a tradition of football stemming back to the 3rd century, when matches called Shove Tuesday were held. A much more brutal version than the football that we know now, Shove Tuesday football really lived up to its name and had virtually no rules. In fact, it was also known by its more fitting moniker: “Mob Football.” Mob Football became so problematic that even the monarchy tried to put a stop to it. King Edward II enacted the Act of 1314 which stated that anyone caught playing football in London would be imprisoned. This Act was confirmed by future Kings like Edward III, Richard II, and Henry IV, seeing the sport somehow as a threat to national defense. Evidently, the Kings’ archers were so preoccupied with playing football than their archery practice. Ooops.

All the above about football’s troubled genesis in the British isles is very interesting, because anyone who knows anything about modern-day UK knows how much that nation loves football now. So much so that it’s hard to imagine a time when it was actually against the law. Yet, it was. Which makes our latest review all the more poignant since it revolves around a modern-day Londoner who has to fight for the right to play soccer like it’s the 14th century all over again. The reason for this anachronism?

She’s a woman.

Our heroine is football-loving Jesminder “Jes” Bhamra (Parminder Nagra), and the movie that revolves around her is BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. Jes is from an orthodox Sikh/Punjabi family that is very traditional, to say the least. By “very traditional,” I mean the following: (1) Mom (Shaheen Khan) thinks the best thing she can teach Jes is how to cook full Punjabi dinner - meat and vegetarian; (2) big sis Pinky (Archie Panjabi) is about to get married and thinks this is the best thing that she will ever do in her lifetime; (3) Dad (Anupam Kher) advises Jes that she needs to give up playing football with the boys and start behaving like a proper lady; (4) and Mom agrees with him, telling Jes that all that playing under the sun has made Jes “too dark.”

What? Hasn’t this woman heard that a billion-dollar industry called the Sunless Tanning Empire was founded under the motto of “You Can’t Be Dark Enough…”?

Anyhow, just when it looks like Jes just might throw the towel and listen to her family’s allegedly-sage advice, she meets the lovely and willowy Juliet Paxton (Keira Knightley). Juliet informs Jes of the following: (1) she’ll die of boredom if she keeps playing with the boys in the park; (2) she’s got a lot of natural talent for the game; and (3) she should be playing for the local girl’s team.

For her part, Jes is flabbergasted that there is such a thing as a girl’s team in London. It’s like being told that all this time your neighbor has been Madonna and you never knew it. Overjoyed, she takes Juliet up on the latter’s offer to check out the team. This leads to Jes meeting Joe (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers), the head coach who used to be a player himself until a busted knee sent him into the coaching realm. Handsome, athletic, and just a tiny bit of an asshole, Joe runs a tight ship and makes that clear to Jes. With this not-exactly-warm welcome, our heroine joins the team of all-girl footballers.

Juliet has got issues of her own at home. Specifically, a mother (Juliet Stevenson) who isn’t any happier than Mrs. Bhamra about her daughter’s involvement in football. Juliet’s Pops (Frank Harper) is, as he puts it, “over the moon” that she is more interested in football than fellas. Juliet’s Mom, on the other hand, thinks this is a disturbing symptom of a disease that might as well be cancer to her - lesbianism. Not surprising, coming from a woman who wears prissy hats to a football game. She probably even farts delicately - if she even farts at all.

Anyhow, Jes and Juliet’s combined talent help elevate the Hounslow Harriers' profile. And Joe couldn’t be more proud of his leading ladies. The fact that they are also as hot as Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley is just one delicious side bonus. All in all, life is gooooooooooood for our trio of footballers.

But is everything going to be fine? What happens when Mom and Dad find out that Jes has not only defied their order to stop playing football, but has now joined a girls’ team? Will they ground Jes forever? And what happens when Jes finds herself falling for Joe? Will it endanger her friendship with Juliet, who is mad about him, too? And why is Joe giving Jes major googly eyes? Does he even have a shot at a romance with Jes? Will Jes give up football for a traditional life like her sister? Or will she fight the odds and become the female equivalent of David Beckham? And is Jes’s Dad really that against her playing? Or will he allow her to take that athletic scholarship in California - and play professionally?

Sally forth and find out. All I’ll say is that if King Edward II would have known that football would eventually create such mother-daughter conflicts, he probably would have tried harder to stamp out the sport. Thank goodness he didn’t…


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING (review # 127), I wrote that it was like a cinematic equivalent of a warm blanket that celebrates family and friendship. The same can be said for our latest review, BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. While both films may appear to be superficially dissimilar to one another, they actually share a lot of common traits: (1) a heroine trying to forge an identity for herself; (2) an ethnic family that wants her to think within the box and color within the lines; and (3) an outside factor that beckons her to take that big leap of faith - and risk everything for true happiness.

In MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, Toula Portokalos (Nia Vardalos) struggled to forge a relationship with non-Greek Ian Miller (John Corbett). In BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, Jes Bhamra is attempting something even more controversial: pursuing her passion for a male-dominated sport. Which would be challenging enough without her traditional Sikh family in the picture. In comparison, Jes’s journey is a more treacherous one than Toula’s. Whereas Toula’s outside factor was Ian, Jes’s is the desire to make a name for herself in a sport that even non-traditional folks don’t normally associate with women: football (AKA soccer).

With such a timeless hook as this, and the fresh addition of the Sikh/Punjabi culture, it would’ve been hard to screw up this film. Sure enough, director Gurinder Chadha’s assured hand and her talented cast’s confident performances send the film into the stratosphere with a heady combo of effervescence, adrenalin, and unexpected tenderness. The contrast between the rigid, old-fashioned lives of Jes’s family, and the gritty, edgy arena of female footballers is a striking one. Chadha and her performers bring both of these worlds to vibrant and colorful life.

Parminder Nagra is a real find as Jes. She’s a refreshingly focused heroine who wins our sympathies with very few words, and the conflicts that she faces are ones that we can all relate to: follow what other people want for us, or follow our own hearts? The right choice changes from person to person, and choosing correctly is often the hardest decision to ever make. Nagra beautifully plays all of Jes’s confusion, passion, selflessness, and -eventually - conviction that football is her first love in life. It doesn’t hurt that Nagra has one of the most lovely and expressive faces I’ve ever seen. With the smallest facial gestures, we see right into her heart.

Keira Knightley is similarly impressive. Her Juliet is conceived a tomboyish firecracker whose confidence and athletic skill almost mask the fact that she is as vulnerable as any other teenage girl when it comes to the first stirrings of love. The sort-of triangle between her, Jes, and Joe opens up hidden layers in the character that might have gone unexplored. Knightley’s coolly perfect beauty is also an interesting contrast to the rough-and-rowdy personality she’s asked to essay. It also helps immensely that Knightley and Nagra have a warm, sisterly vibe that instantly sells Jes and Juliet’s friendship.

As Joe, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers has a similarly multi-faceted role. Initially, Joe comes off as just a tad chilly and standoffish. But we realize this hard-ass quality is just his own way of being passionate for football. He drives his team relentlessly because, ironically, he loves them and wants to see them succeed where he failed because of his injured knee. Meyers also convincingly plays Joe’s sensitive and tender side, making it completely understandable why both Jes and Juliet would fall for him. Joe has the same quality that Nagra has of expressing so much by saying very little. Watch his eyes in each scene - they seem to be speaking a silent language that few can hear.

As for the rest of the cast, Frank Harper and Juliet Stevenson are drolly amusing as Juliet’s half-supporting/half-disapproving parents. Stevenson, in particular, nails some good laughs as the prissy English Rose mum who (mistakenly) thinks her daughter just might be a lesbian. Archie Panjabi is her usual awesome self as Jes’s older, more traditional sister Pinky. Panjabi is rapidly shaping up to be a formidable talent in both the U.S. and U.K. To see her in another terrific performance, watch A GOOD YEAR with Russell Crowe, where she plays his character’s super-cool personal assistant. Archie Panjabi is one performer to keep an eye on.

Anupam Kehr and Shaheen Khan are also quite good as Jes’s terminally traditional parents. While Khan is perfect as the old-fashioned mother who is terrified of her daughter being taken away from them by the modern world, Kehr delivers a more a nuanced role. His character is actually someone who, while also reserved and old-fashioned, doesn’t actually fear change. But he also doesn’t want his daughter to get hurt and rejected the way he was by his English counterparts when he tried to play cricket as a young man. The scene in which he finally realizes he can’t hold his daughter back because of his own fears - and tells his entire family this - is easily the film’s best and most touching scene. With the most wonderful dialogue:

MR. BHAMRA: When those bloody English cricket players threw me out of their club like a dog, I never complained. On the contrary, I vowed I would never play again. But who suffered? Me. I don’t want Jesy to suffer. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes her father made of just accepting life. Accepting situations. I want her to fight. And I want her to win. Because I’ve seen her play. And she’s brilliant. And I don’t think anyone has the right to stop that.

And BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM is similarly brilliant. It delivers a serious message with the lightest touch, and in doing so delivers it all the more effectively and memorably. Anyone who’s ever had to fight for their passion and vision will love this film. And who among us has not had to do that, at one time or another, in one way or the other?