(Apocalypse No Thanks...)
CAST: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Beals, Evan Jones, Frances De La Tour, Michael Gambon.
DIRECTOR: Albert and Allen Hughes.
WARNING: SPOILERS and oddly-hygienic post-apocalyptic teenagers ahead...
Thank goodness I saw THE BOOK OF ELI at a free advanced screening, and didn't have to shell out $13 bucks plus the cost of a Medium Popcorn, Large Coke, Hotdog, and Nachos for a grand total of $5,035. If I had to pay that much to sit through two hours or so of tedious MAD MAX-wannabe theatrics and pretentious THE ROAD-wannabe melodramatics, who knows what mature way I would have chosen to express my dissatisfaction? Probably crap on the concession counter - or walk into another packed theatre to release a silent-but-deadly before walking out again. Or kick a Barnes and Noble Nook peddler.
Anyhow, I wanted to enjoy THE BOOK OF ELI. Truly, I did. But, alas, just like a "pretty-only-in-theory" face whose eyes, nose, mouth, cheekbones, and jawline are all stellar when viewed separately, but form a jarring and discordant mess when combined, THE BOOK OF ELI's various elements are all fairly impressive - when considered separately. After all, in front of the camera we have Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Jennifer Beals, and Mila Kunis in major roles - and Frances La Tour and Michael Gambon in minor, but important ones. Behind the camera we have the talented directors Albert and Allen Hughes. These elements should have combined to produce, if not stellar, at least good entertainment.
So. What the hell. Happened?
Hard to say for sure. But I can say for certain that the idea of a lone traveler (Denzel Washington as Eli) protecting a mysterious book as he crosses an apocalypse-torn America had serious potential, especially when he wanders into a encampment ruled by self-elected leader Carnegie (Gary Oldman, in an obligatory and cliched cruel-yet-deep villain role). Eli meets Carnegie's blind wife, Claudia (Jennifer Beals, the film's one saving grace), and her nubile teenage daughter, Solara (Mila Kunis, about as believable a post-apocalypse teenager as Denise Richards made a convincing nuclear scientist in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH).
Carnegie, sensing that Eli is hiding something, recruits Solara for "Mata Hari" duties and foists her on the inscrutable outsider. Now, even with the world reduced to rubble, Solara must be aware of some secret stash of Pantene hair products and Neutrogena Acne Solutions kits buried somewhere in the desert. How else do you explain her lustrous locks and smooth skin? A true member of Gen PA (post-apocalypse) would have hair like a brillo pad and skin like a pepperoni pizza. But not our Solara, who looks more like Clinique's latest spokesmodel. How odd, then, when Eli rebuffs her advances. Obviously, he prefers his nubile skanks to look skankier - or he's as gay as a bluejay in spring.
No matter. Solara gets over her rejection by putting it out of her mind and trying to put Eli at ease - if not with a blowjob, then with a thousand fucking questions. Eventually, she learns that he's safe-guarding a book. Oh, by the way... Carnegie has also been sending his crusty and stinky goons to scour the ravaged countryside for... books. From an earlier scene where he gazes with displeasure at the tomes collected by his posse, it's apparent that Carnegie is looking for a specific book, and that his loyal-if-stupid band of book-gatherers have not exactly struck the mother lode.
By the way, if you're starting to suspect that Eli's book is actually the book that Carnegie is after, then rejoice - clearly momsy and popsy didn't make a mistake in siring you. Unlike an acquaintance of mine who confided in me that she was surprised - nay, astonished - when it turned out the Eli and Carnegie were after the same book. "Wow," is all I could say. Obviously, not many banal and predictable flicks have reached the nether regions of the rock she grew up under.
Anyhow, Solara sells Eli out to Carnegie. After all, he who controls the Pantene and Neutrogena controls the world. At least, to nubile post-apocalyptic teenagers who refuse to look like one. Carnegie tries to make a deal with Eli for the book. Eli balks and basically makes a grand exit from the encampment. By "grand," I mean "bloody and painful for anyone who tries to stop him." Solara, sensing that Eli is going somewhere where there's bound to be unlimited supplies of Pantene and Neutrogena, dutifully follows. After some obligatory resistance, Eli lets Solara tag along. But only after she bribes him by telling him that she will take Eli to Carnegie's secret water stash in some desert caves.
In the caves, Solara and Eli fill up their canteens. Disappointingly, there are no crates of Pantene shampoo or Neutrogena Clinical Moisturizer nearby - leaving the mystery of Solara's squeaky-clean appearance exactly that. Which is unfortunate, because if anyone needed a little shampooing and moisturizing, it's our dear, unwashed friend Eli. Solara manages to continue being his sidekick, even through a run-in with a pair of sweet and cuddly cannibals (Francis La Tour and Michael Gambon)who put the "hospital" in "hospitality."
Fortunately (or unfortunately, I suppose) Eli and Solara quickly clue in to the fact that the eager gazes of the couple are not born of loneliness, but of a burning desire for some human Prime Rib. They try to escape but are stopped by Carnegie's henchmen, who have tracked them to the quasi-Outback Steakhouse run by the Grandma and Grandpa Donner. A violent shootout ensues that kills the lovable but deadly old farts (as opposed to the silent but deadly variety), and incapacitates Eli long enough for Carnegie's men to take the Book from him. They leave Eli to die in the desert and haul Solara back with them.
Finally displaying a modicum of spunk (not the liquid kind - not this time, anyway), Solara forces the henchmen to crash their pseudo-Mad Max vehicle. Unfortunately, the henchmen in the other pseudo-Mad Max vehicle display staunch loyalty for their comrades by giving them the finger and racing back to the encampment to win beaucoup brownie points with Carnegie by returning The Book of Eli. Deciding to cut her losses, Solara takes command of the crashed vehicle and hightails in the opposite direction. Eventually she sees Eli jogging down the road like a geriatric Road Runner. She stops and offers him a ride, obviously still not getting that he doesn't find her attractive because: 1) she is not scabby enough, or 2) she is not Gary Oldman. Or anyone with a dick, for that matter.
Meanwhile, Carnegie's henchmen return to the encampment and present their literary prize to Big Daddy C. Now, in case you're wondering what the hell this book is that everyone's killing each other over, it's not the latest Harry Potter or Twilight saga. Those books might provoke a little hair-pulling and name-calling, at worst. Nope, it's a Bible, folks. And if that surprises you, then may I suggest you join my aforementioned easily-surprised acquaintance at a screening of THE SIXTH SENSE. But take your heart medicine first, as it just might kill both of you.
See, Carnegie has the notion that he can control his flock by preaching to them. This is an interesting and intriguing notion, but unfortunately his plans go to shit when he opens the book and discovers that it is all in... braille. Yes, braille. I have to admit that I liked this twist - but not as much as when he forces the blind Claudia to read it for him. Jennifer Beals displays the most powerful bit of acting in this scene when her fingers recognize the words of the Bible, as evidenced by the collage of emotions that flit across Claudia's face. Then her face hardens, and she blithely tells Carnegie that she's forgotten how to read braille. Which is the best way for a blind person to give the finger to someone who doesn't know how to read braille - and desperately needs to. Somehow, this leads to the encampment turning into a dusty version of Sodom and Gomorrah.
If you're wondering what happened to Solara and Eli... well, they finally arrived to the place where Eli was taking the book. Which is Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay. No, really. Would I make this shit up? Anyhow, it turns out the former prison island has become a bunker for survivalist and scientists intent on trying to rebuild civilization by preserving works of art and science. Solara and Eli are welcomed by a whole community of geeks and soldiers. When asked where the book is, Eli just basically grins and taps his temple. Turns out the fucker memorized the whole thing and proceeds to dictate the whole thing to a poor hapless soul who has to. handwrite. every. single. word. Now, remember... this is the Bible, guys - not Green Eggs and Ham. Suffice it to say, let's hope there are enough icepacks left in the world for the transcriber's hand.
Long story short, Eli dies right after finishing his dictation marathon. While the transcriber is taken to the infirmary to have this writing hand amputated, the endless transcripts are taken to a printing press on the island where the pages are transformed into a bound Bible that is definitely not in Braille. You'll be glad to know that it is treated in the reverential way that most people treat books they've already read - it's left on a bookshelf to collect dust. If the Bible could talk, it would say, "Thanks for nothing, assholes. I'll remember this."
THE BOOK OF ELI ends with Solara contracting Eli's madness in the sense that she deludes herself into thinking she's some sort of bad-ass loner who can navigate the post-armageddon wilderness wearing a duster and aviator sunglasses. As if distressed leather and Ray-Bans were deadly weapons. She sets out to return to the encampment in a futile effort to save Claudia - whose head, by the way, is surely a wall trophy at the local saloon by now. The audience was so busy laying bets with one another as to how long it would take before Solara got her ass handed to her to by a roving band of Road Warrior-wannabes, that most of us forgot that the movie had ended and the lights had gone up. Now, that's entertainment.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Pretty much what I said above. THE BOOK OF ELI was so been there, done that. Which might not have mattered if the emotional core of the film was solid. But it wasn't, and I found it difficult to care about anyone in this film. Jennifer Beals as Claudia came the closest to a sympathetic character, but she has very limited screentime. When Denzel Washington is good, he is very good. When he's not, he's bland and uninteresting. Same for Gary Oldman, who seemed to be working his way down the "cultured and literate villain" playbook that Alan Rickman wrote. For once, I want to see a villain who basically is a redneck on crack who doesn't have a single sophisticated bone in his body. In a film besides DELIVERANCE, that is.
