(Safe to say this teddy ain't your average bear)
CAST: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, voice of Seth McFarlane, Joel McHale, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Jessica Barth.
DIRECTOR: Seth McFarlane
WARNING: Some rather bizarre examples of male friendship - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember how Yoko Ono allegedly broke up the Beatles? Basically telling John Lennon, "It's them or me, bucko..."? Well, our next review deals with what happens when Boston hottie Lori (Mila Kunis) gives her live-in boyfriend John (Mark Wahlberg) a similar ultimatum: "It's either Ted or me, bucko...." In case you're wondering, Ted (Seth McFarlane) is John's roommate - and they've been best buds and have lived together since John was just a little tyke. So far, so standard female behavior, right? Forcing a guy to choose between her twat and his buds? And since all guys - gay, straight, or in-between - only have enough blood to fill one head at a time, it doesn't come as a surprise that John chooses Lori's nether regions - and asks his oldest, bestest friend in the whole world to move out and find his own place.
I guess now would be a good time to drop the bombshell that Ted isn't your average best bud and roommate. Nope, not even close. You see, he's a teddy bear. No, I don't mean a hairy guy who is also adorable and hot (I have a few of those, thanks), but an actual "teddy bear". You know? The kind that Mattell and Hasbro and Fisher Price churn out en masse to fill toy store shelves and shove at kids during Christmas and birthdays? In fact, that's how Teddy first entered John's life - as a fucking Christmas present. Then one night, John wished upon a star (what else?) and asked it to bring Ted to life. Before you know it, the little stuffed fucker sprung to life and started chattering away like a monkey on crack. Well, I guess a teddy bear on crack would be more exact. Anyhow, John's pretty much as happy as a cat in a tuna cannery now that he has a permanent sidekick.
Unfortunately, both John and Ted have to grow older (but not necessarily "grow up") and end up becoming the kind of stoner slackers that big cushy couches and crunchy snacks were invented for. As in, the better to sink your lazy ass in and munch on while sucking a bong within an inch of its life. Trust me, you have not lived until you've seen a teddy bear wrap his lips around a massive pipe and slurp like there's no tomorrow. And, no, I'm not even making a blowjob innuendo (that's later). Anyway, this brings us full circle to Lori's ultimatum to John. I guess she's concerned that Ted is a bad influence on him - and would like to separate the two before it's too late.
So, out goes Ted into his own apartment. Of course, he needs a job to go along with it, and he finds one as - wait for it - a cashier at a supermarket. Again, you have not lived until you've seen a teddy bear dry hump a grocery scanner and basically use a candy bar to face fuck himself to impress the bimbo cashier in the next lane. Why can't I have crazy shit like this happen at my local grocery store? The cashiers there all act like smiling robot people. And to top it off, Ted gets a promotion for his creative use of profanity. Which is another reason why I would love to live in Boston: cursing like a sailor is actually considered normal. Which is a good thing for Ted, because he makes Eric Cartman look like a politically-correct bore.
But how long can John and Ted live apart? Considering they've been friends all their lives without leaving one another's sides? Is Lori really worth choosing over Ted? Can she really make John happy? Or is this pretty much Step # 1 of the "12 Step Emasculation Process" that will end with John being a pussy-whipped husband who jumps at Lori's every command? Will John take this lying down? Or will he fight for his friendship with Ted? Will he put the "Bro" before the "Ho"? How long can he continue to have a relationship with a teddy bear anyway?
Hard to say. All I know is a girl forcing you to give up your buddies is the first sign of the Testosterone Apocalypse - and Yoko Syndrome...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: At dinner the other night, a friend told me he believed that the # 1 reason people go to the movies is to laugh. Whether or not this is actually true is arguable, but I do know that people go to the movies to experience emotion. They may think they are going "to be entertained", but it's really to feel something. Think about it: if something doesn't move you, you will not be entertained - you will be bored and indifferent to it. A movie should provoke an emotional response from you, hopefully a positive one - and not the negative emotional response that stems from having just watched a truly bad or stupid film. Like THIS MEANS WAR (review #466), which also told the story of two male friends at loggerheads over one woman, but fumbled the execution through shallow, posturing characters. TED, on other hand, gets it right.
TED is a movie that would be very hard to be indifferent to. You will either love it or hate it. Raucous, raunchy, unapologetically politically-incorrect, but also sweet, real, and intelligent, this film will likely provoke a negative emotional response from folks who are not fans of edgy-but-smart humor. If so, steer clear of this one and go see a "safe" movie like any of a thousand mundane and conventional romantic comedies out there. Everyone else, though, should react favorably to TED; that is, they will have the appropriate emotional response: laughter.
What makes TED a winner is not just its deft deployment of some truly inspired comic lunacy and craziness, but also its refusal to compromise its characters for the sake of the comedy. The laughs all stem from the characters' traits, interactions, and relationships. Also, writer/director/voice actor Seth McFarlane wisely recognizes that the human core of this film is John's friendship with Ted, first, then his relationship with Lori, second. McFarlane does a very good job of drawing us into the rhythms of each connection. Anyone in a close and solid male friendship will relate to the spiky-but-sincere relationship between John and Ted. The fact that the latter is a teddy bear is almost incidental. McFarlane makes us believe in these characters because he makes them complex and more important than the plot. Which cannot be said for the leads of THIS MEANS WAR, who were basically unlikable ciphers.
Mark Wahlberg does drama well, but he is at his best in comedies. He has this way of being in on the joke but not excluding the audience from it, which is a highly appealing ability. He also isn't afraid to make himself look foolish or turn into the butt of the joke, which is also very engaging. He makes John into a believable mix of immaturity, sincerity, and wisdom, and meshes well with Mila Kunis as Lori, who side-steps turning the character into a bossy ballbuster. Lori could've easily become unsympathetic with the wrong actress playing her, what with her repeated demands, but Kunis delivers a wisely understated performance that turns aggressive only when needed.
The star of the show, of course, is Ted. As voiced by McFarlane, he is simply a comic gem. You're never sure of what will come out of his mouth next, and some of the punchlines and zingers are destined to be quoted over and over again. McFarlane's delivery is definitive proof that comedy is not simply about material - but also timing. Someone less deft and confident might've fumbled the jokes. Fortunately, McFarlane sends volley after volley into the comedic net, scoring goal after goal. We actually found ourselves laughing to the point where we couldn't laugh anymore, making TED one of the most memorable cinematic experiences ever.
Which, I guess, proves my friend's point: we go to the movie mainly to laugh. Movies like TED remind us of that. I'm not really a fan of McFarlane's FAMILY GUY TV show (too random even for my tastes), but TED is more like SOUTH PARK: loud, lewd, raunchy, smart, and deeply, deeply hilarious.
Now, bring on the sequel!
