THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999 - HORROR / FOUND FOOTAGE FLICK) **1/2 out of ***** OR 5 out of 10
(Next time, just do you research in a library. Assholes...)
CAST:
Heather Donahue, Joshua Leonard, Michael Williams
DIRECTOR:
Eduardo Sanchez, Daniel Myrick.
IT'S LIKE THIS: One of my favorite things to do is camping and hiking in the woods. There's just something about traipsing along pristine mountain paths, surrounded by towering trees and the sounds of the forest that is both primal and pure at the same time. It's like an oasis of calm and simplicity where one can release all the silly complexities and headache-inducing technologies of the modern world and, you know, just be one with the world as Nature intended.
Unless, of course, we're talking about the
particular patch of woods that our next review takes place in. In which case, the only place I'll be camping
and hiking is the parking lot of my local Shopping Mall. Any place that is filled with concrete and firmly
located in the middle of a bustling metropolis. You see, our next review is the infamous
flick from 1999 called THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, which purports to tell us what
happened to three exceptionally stupid college students who went into the Maryland
woods to film a documentary on a local urban legend - only to disappear from
the face of the fucking Earth.
I used the term "infamous" because the
viral marketing (the first major one ever) for this flick made it sound like
the movie was actual found footage recovered by a search party looking for the
supposedly real-life missing students.
In other words, supposedly THE BLAIR WITCH was 100% factual. Naturally, word spread like wild fire that
this "movie" was essentially the recorded last few days of three
jackholes who obviously ran into some foul play. By the time it came out that the goddamned
thing was about as real as FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8 - JASON TAKES MANHATTAN, the
movie had already crossed $100 million at the box office or something. Whatever it takes to get asses into theater
seats, I guess....
Anyhow, now that we've established THE BLAIR
WITCH PROJECT is not, er, factual, let's discuss the three morons at its
center. First, we have Heather (Heather
Donahue), bitchy control freak who saunters around acting like her documentary
on some mythical crone called "The Blair Witch" is Oscar-level
material, and is just begging to be smacked with a blunt object. Next, we have Josh (Joshua Leonard), dude who
always looks so utterly stoned and yet somehow is also Heather's trusted right
hand cameraman, which calls into question her judgement (among many other
things that call into question her judgement - more on that later). And, lastly, there's Mike (Michael Williams),
new arrival to the crew who records the sound for Heather's stupid little witch
project. The only sound he should be
recording is his own voice, telling Heather and Josh to fuck right off and go
into the woods themselves.
Our trio of dumb shits start the project by
traveling to the rural Maryland burg called Burkitsville, which apparently
borders the woods haunted by the Blair Bitch, er, Witch. Heather, Josh, and Mike interview a bunch of
townsfolks who give them accounts that vary in length and eloquence but all
essentially say the same general thing, which goes a little something like
"If you three idiotic fuck-tards go into them thar woods, you ain't never
coming out of 'em ever again - 'cause that witchy-bitchy Blair Ho is going to
cornhole y'all somethin' fierce."
Or something like that.
Now, folks, I'm pretty adventurous - but there is
a difference between "adventurous" and "stupid." And if a whole town-ful of folks told me not
to go into them thar woods to record a movie on a cranky bitch who would most
likely keep me there forever, I think we can safely say that I'm going back to
the closest major city and staying there.
Our three soon-to-be-missing nitwits, however, are of a different
mind. And I use that last word very
reluctantly. Actually, maybe we can just
chalk this whole affair up to "Natural Selection."
Sure enough, Heather, Josh, and Mike have barely
been in the woods a day, when they start having issues. Specifically, they're lost as fuck among them
thar trees - and the map that Heather brought with her is apparently as
effective in getting them un-lost as a condom full of pinholes is in
preventing unwanted pregnancy. Furthermore, at
night when they are holed up in their tent, they can hear what sounds like a
Mariachi band stomping its way through the wilderness. Then, as if that wasn't disconcerting enough,
they start finding stick figures hanging from the trees - like, a whole
shitload lot of stick figures. Like
someone's supremely bizarro version of a dreamcatcher. Yes, folks, I would say our three
"protagonists" are officially fucked.
So... what is stalking Heather, Josh, and Mike
through the woods? Is it the Blair Witch
who is angry at them for trespassing on her turf? One of the townspeople trying to pull a joke
on them? Or something else? Possibly...
their acting coaches?
Snap.
BUT SERIOUSLY:
Quite frankly, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT is one of the most overrated
films ever. Put simply, this film
benefited from a very clever, practically dishonest viral marketing campaign
that made it seem as if we were watching the real-life fates of three missing
persons. There was even a website, if I recall correctly,
with police reports and missing persons files that were ultimately fake. If a
film tells you that you are watching the genuine recorded last days of three
people before they inexplicably disappeared in the woods, then everything
onscreen, no matter how mundane and dull, is going to be charged with tension
because you think the people involved are moving inexorably towards their
genuine doom.
However, if you know a horror film isn't real,
then you have only its technical merits and characters to get you
"scared." On that score, THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT is barely passable.
Despite all the inexplicably positive reviews this film has received, which
I'm sure had to have been from the people and critics who first viewed the film
when it was still being passed off as "real", the fact remains that
this film is just an average experience.
You have to be able to separate the film from the hype, and THE BLAIR
WITCH PROJECT doesn't stand well on its own without all its "hot
air." There are those who think
that this film "cheated" to get the momentum it needed at the
box-office. I can say for certain it
would not have grossed over $130 million if the distributors had used a more
honest, straightforward marketing that didn't pretend the film was actual found
footage. The sad thing is this film is
regarded as one of the most successful independent films ever, despite not
really deserving it.
That's not to say that there aren't some pockets
of creepiness here and there or a few positive elements about it. Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, and Joshua
Leonard as the three leads are natural and likable, since they are basically
playing themselves, and their early interactions with the townfolk of
Burkitsville, particularly a segment in a cemetery, has a certain
foreboding. Once they're in the woods,
however, things get tedious and repetitive as Heather, Mike, and Josh simply
literally walk around in circles and just yell at each other in an attempt to
show them slowly losing control of their situation. The same improv technique that directors
Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick allowed their players to use which resulted
in natural, occassionally engaging exchanges in the early going, is the same
thing that eventually bites them in the ass later on because it just meanders
on and on until tension is dissipated.
Better to have used an actual written script to help shape the
atmosphere and curtail the excess emoting that is often a downside of
improv.
Also, the sound design of this film is simply
mediocre. In the scenes where the
threesome are holed up in their tents, listening in "terror" to the
"footsteps" surrounding their camp outside, we can barely hear
anything except a few twigs snapping here and there. Which makes us wonder what the hell the big
deal is. To see another found footage
film that handles the exact same sequence in the right way, see WILLOW CREEK -
which was released on VOD and DVD this year and centers on a couple researching the Bigfoot legend in the woods of
Northern California, only to encounter much more than they bargained for. That film is the movie that THE BLAIR WITCH
PROJECT tried to be.
The movie's only other saving grace (aside from
the likability of its leads and some well-handled early scenes) is the last ten
minutes which manages to actually be scary and surprising. The final shot is also very clever and will
make sense to anyone who paid attention to the particulars of the Blair Witch
legend that the townspeople shared earlier with Heather, Mike, and Josh. Unfortunately, though, it comes way too late
- and it's not enough to overcome the tedium of the rest of the film.
In the end, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT is just not
that good of a film. It gets a passing
grade because of some decent elements, but really only benefits from a
marketing campaign that was essentially a hoax.
While this film is rightly considered the one that started the whole
Found Footage trend, the movie that actually truly set the bar for Found Footage
movies is PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2007), which is much better than THE BLAIR WITCH
PROJECT. Sometimes, just because
something came before the rest, doesn't mean its the best - or even good.
