CREATURE (1985 - HORROR / SCI-FI / MONSTER FLICK) **1/2 out of ***** OR 5 out of 10
(I'll be damned if we'll be swinging by Titan on our intergalactic cruise...)
CAST: Stan Ivar, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Robert Jaafe, Diane Salinger, Klaus Kinski, Annette McCarthy, Marie Laurin.
DIRECTOR: William Malone
(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and rather fucked-up rescue missions - straight ahead)
IT'S LIKE THIS: In our recent "31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN" review for EVENT HORIZON (review #567), we discussed how being part of a search and rescue team in a horror film is essentially tantamount to being a goat tied to a stake - with a rampaging T-Rex nearby. Or, in the case of our next "31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN" review, a rampaging killer alien from the frozen Saturnian moon of Titan. Like the ill-fated team in EVENT HORIZON, the team in CREATURE are headed into deep space to lend a hand to some other astronauts in trouble - only to soon find out they really should've stayed on Earth and ignored their office's recall alert.
In a nutshell, it's the future and several Earth-bound mining corporations are battling for the rights to mine the solar system's outlying planets. Saturn, in particular, is fairly popular. As our story opens, we find an American scouting mission exploring the moon of Titan, Saturn's biggest moon (I think). Things take a turn for the exciting when our astronauts find a bunch of canisters that, I guess, are giant eggs. They peer through the semi-transparent shells, and one of them comments - and please note I'm paraphrasing here - that the creature inside looks like someone bitch-slapped it 97 times with an Ugly Stick. Then the astronauts laugh their asses about it, not noticing the angry stirring within the egg. Ruh-roh!
Sure enough, the alien creature doesn't take too kindly to being dissed on its own home planet by two visitor jackasses who can't even breathe the local air without helmets. It basically rips through one astronaut's asshole (not kidding) and pounces on the others like a rabid dog who finally got off its chain. As a result, our dumbass Yankee scouting mission never makes it back to Earth (on account of them being dead as shit and all) and are eventually declared missing.
This is where our "dead meat" search-and-rescuers come in. Now, to be fair to CREATURE's misguided crew, similar "let's go rescue them oh no whooooops we're the ones needing rescuing now" flicks like ALIENS and EVENT HORIZON hadn't come out in 1985 when this flick came out, so you can't really blame these folks for not knowing any better. But, wait a minute... this movie is set waaaaaaaay in the future, ostensibly after ALIENS and EVENT HORIZON came out, so maybe they should know. Whatever the case may be, our unlucky team is sent to Titan to find out what happened to that dumbass scouting party.
The group is comprised of your usual types: (1) Captain Mike Davison (Stan Ivar), loose and laid-back Captain of the rescue ship called "Shenandoah"; (2) David Perkins (Lyman Ward), asshole corporate representative along for the trip to ensure Mike and his crew don't fuck up the way the earlier group did (as if he could do anything about it); (3) Beth Sladen (Wendy Schaal), spunky and feisty tech who probably should've brought more than just one book to read on such a long trip; (4) Jon Fennell (Robert Jaffe), smooth and hunky stud whose mission seems to be to see how many of the female crewmembers he can cornhole; (5) Melanie Bryce (Diane Salinger), intimidating chick who is the "Security Officer" on the ship who is definitely not going to let Jon cornhole her; (6) Dr. Wendy Oliver (Annette McCarthy), timid blond chick who is also the "Medical Officer" onboard and will probably get cornholed by Jon soon; and (7) Susan Delambre (Marie Laurin), horny redhead who was probably being cornholed by Jon even before they joined Space Fleet.
Our Stupid Seven arrive on Titan to find (big surprise) no sign of the previous team. What the fuck were they expecting: a beer blast at full swing? Anyhow, it soon becomes clear that something is amiss on Titan (ya think?), and this suspicion solidifies when they come across the wreck of a German ship nearby (the name of which I really can't recall right now, but let's call it the "Wienerschnitzel" shall we?) that belongs to a rival European mining corporation. It appears that someone else besides those morons from the opening sequence have been scouting Titan. Hmmmmmmmm...
Before you know it, the crew of the "Shenandoah" discovers a nasty surprise onboard the "Wienerschnitzel": a bat-shit crazy German survivor named Hans (of course). Hans is played by Klaus Kinski and he goes around talking a-mile-a-minute and flapping his hands in such a way that is supposed to suggest post-traumatic-stress, but instead just seems to hint that Hans must have found a nearby pit filled with the Titan version of crack cocaine - and has been doing regular nosedives into it.
In between nattering like a rabid, demented chipmunk and stuffing his face with ham sandwiches (very appropriate since he's one, himself), Hans tells Mike and company the story of how his entire crew - save him - was wiped out by "something" they found in a shell and brought onboard the "Wienerschnitzel". Then in a completely unforeseen plot development, that same "something" got loose and whipped the "Wieneschnitzel's" asses of crew into hamburger. Wow, how disappointing: I always thought Germans were smart and sensible to the point of icy ruthlessness. I guess they're really just as dumb as we are. Oh, and Hans goes on to tell the crew of the "Shenandoah" that if they don't leave soon, they will be dead, too. So maybe he's not so dumb, after all...
"Fine with me!" says Mike. Unfortunately, if leaving Titan were as simple as that, this movie would've been titled SORTA CREATURE. Nope, our beastie demands a full showcase and, goddanmit, he's getting it; sure enough he makes his grand entrance (fucking finally, dude) and essentially chomps Susan and turns her into some sort of mind-controlled servant. Hey, Creature Dude, I hear she gives great head, too - don't forget to avail yourself of that service. Anyway, the "changed" Susan kills Jon, which turns him into yet another servant of the creature, and he goes on to kill Wendy, and she goes on to... well, you get the idea. I guess this monster doesn't want to do all the carnage himself and hired lackeys to do his wet work for him.
Will the rest of the "Shenandoah" crew get converted, too? Will Hans The Ham be able to help? And what happens when the "Shenandoah" life support systems are irrepairably-damaged? Will the survivors have to use the "Wienerschnitzel" to escape Titan? Is that even possible? Or is the creature and its minions already five steps ahead of our heroes? Will any of them survive? Why does Melanie Bryce look like a butcher, scarier version of Rachel from BLADE RUNNER?
Don't know. Let's just hope that the fine German engineering that is presumably part of the "Wienerschnitzel" will save their sorry keesters...
BUT SERIOUSLY: The Horror Genre has many sub-genres within it: the Haunted House Sub-Genre, Zombie Sub-Genre, Vampire Sub-Genre, Mummy Sub-Genre, Witchcraft Sub-Genre, Slasher Sub-Genre, Post-Modern Slasher Sub-Genre, Monster Sub-Genre, Evil Child Sub-Genre, Sci-Fi Horror Sub-Genre, and more. We've talked repeatedly recently about how the Slasher Sub-Genre and Post-Modern Slasher Sub-Genre were ignited by the respective successes of HALLOWEEN in 1978, and SCREAM in 1996. Usually, it takes the dynamic success of one horror movie to really cement its sub-genre. The result is often that Hollywood will soon begin creating similar films in hopes of duplicating that initial "game-changer's" success - and the sub-genre is strengthened even further.
In 1979, the Sci-Fi Horror and Monster Sub-Genres were blended into one with the stunning success of a film that has since had a lasting influence not just on horror films, but on sci-fi and action flicks, as well. That movie was ALIEN, and it became one of the biggest hits of that year with its gripping, claustrophobic, and atmospheric tale of seven astronauts who unwittingly take a deadly cargo onto their commercial star freighter after responding to a distress signal on a far-flung planet. I remember watching this flick as a kid and being utterly enthralled as the crew of the "Nostromo" was whittled down one by one - until only one, the dauntless but still very human Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver),was left to battle and outwit the monstrous titular creature. Needless to say ALIEN is my favorite Sci-fi Film, and it shares the title of "Favorite Horror Film" with THE FOG 1980.
In the wake of ALIEN's success, several similarly-plotted flicks followed in the early-80s, such as GALAXY OF TERROR, HORROR PLANET, FORBIDDEN WORLD, and our latest review, CREATURE. Towards the end of the 80s, the formula of "astronauts terrorized by alien creature" was tweaked into "deep-sea divers terrorized by underwater creature" in films like THE LORDS OF THE DEEP, DEEPSTAR SIX, and LEVIATHAN. Most of these films were, frankly, not that good since there's only so many times you can spin ALIEN's premise without going stale, unlike the Slasher and Post-Modern Slasher Sub-Genres which have more possibilities. And the most interesting ones, like HORROR PLANET, CREATURE, and DEEPSTAR SIX, had real potential but were hampered by a low-budget and shoestring production values.
CREATURE has the skeleton of a good premise that blends ALIEN's set-up with that of THE THING, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, and THE PUPPETMASTERS. It also has a cast of actors who are competent in their roles, with a few familiar faces among them. Wendy Schaal was one of the girls in the comedy remake of WHERE THE BOYS ARE '84, and Lyman Ward played Ferris Bueller's dad in FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. The most "famous" member of the cast, though, is Klaus Kinski. Kinski injects some quirky humor into the proceedings that is welcome. Director William Malone keeps the proceedings tight and together until the reasonably exciting climax.
Ultimately, though, CREATURE is held back by its low budget. However, like HORROR PLANET (review # 27) and DEEPSTAR SIX (review # 30) before it, it's got enough of a story and a cast to stand on to keep it at the average mark. Along with those films, it's probably one of the better ALIEN clones out there.
