(I guess it could've been worse - they could've been "Fortysomething Giant Karate-Chopping Aardvarks"....)
CAST: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Whoopi Goldberg, Tohoru Masamune, voices of Tony Shalhoub, Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, and Pete Ploszek.
DIRECTOR: Jonathan Liebesman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and bizarre reptilian amalgams - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: Folks, I must be completely frank here and say that I just do not get the heroes of our next review. Oh, sure, they're entertaining and likable enough, with just enough humor and camaraderie to win a passing grade in my book. But I just don't understand them. Or, rather, what the fuck they're supposed to be. So, they're turtles, right? Who are, um, teenagers? Who are also obviously mutated because, well, they're as big as linebackers? On top of all of that, however, they're also... ninjas?
What the fuck exactly happened? Did the writers plug in a bunch of random words into whatever idea-generating machine screenwriters use - and these four bozos are what got spit out? Let me guess: the other two top choices after "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
were probably "Twentysomething Freakazoid Samurai Bumblebees" and "Middle-Aged Crack-Addicted Zumba-Dancing Dolphins"?
Whatever, dude. I'll play along.
Anyhow, by now you might have guessed, dear reader, that I am not exactly an aficionado of these four, um, special creatures. It's not that I don't like them. I just think they were merely the result of long night of pot-smoking and beer-guzzling of a few writers desperate for an idea - ANY idea - rather than a true stroke of creative genius. But, hey... a bazillion kids can't be wrong, right? Well, let's just say that children are not exactly the the most discerning or discriminating audiences. How else do you explain THE SMURFS?
Thank goodness, too, because those armies of little tykes are likely going to be the core audience of this flick, titled (appropriately if still bizarrely enough) TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. Suffice it to say, given its main demographic, the plot of this flick isn't exactly byzantine. To wit, we follow the travails of improbably hot NYC journalist April O'Neil (Megan Fox) as she tries to make a name for herself at her local paper by breaking a big story - ANY story. So long as she doesn't get stuck covering yet another public Aerobic Marathon in downtown Manhattan. Can't say I blame the poor lass. But, hey, she looks like Megan Fox so it can't all be doom and gloom, right?
In case you're wondering what story our hottie reporter wants to reveal to the world, it's the identities of several, um, vigilantes whom she's noticed fighting back against the criminal organization terrorizing the city. Problem is, April has only caught fleeting glimpses of these mysterious individuals on her SmartPhone. When she attempts to explain her "vigilante" theory to her editor, Bernadette Thompson, Bernadette basically gives April a withering look that essentially tells her to "get a clue." And since Bernadette is played by Whoopi Goldberg, you know that's some serious stink-eye action. Sure enough, April hightails it back to her desk to work on more coverage of bimbos in workout gear.
Things take a turn for the better (relatively speaking) when April has an actual run-in with the mystery avengers (not to be confused with the actual human ones from that other franchise). Turns out there are four of them, and they are: (1) turtles, (2) who are teenagers, (3) who are also obviously mutants because they are as big as linebackers, and (4) they are also, erm, ninjas. My heart goes out at this point to April because she gets the same "oh my god my head has been sooooooo mindfucked" look that I got when I first heard about these knuckleheads years ago. Her response, appropriately enough, is to faint the fuck out.
Unfortunately, when she comes to, she discovers that she wasn't dreaming the whole thing and, yes, she is still surrounded by the turtles who are teenagers who are also mutants who are also trained in the art of Ninjitsu. Unlike me, however, after that initial brain-freeze April quickly gets on board with the notion that these four freaks could actually exist and live in the bowels of the Manhattan subway, feasting on nothing but pizza. That last culinary bit is completely apropos because, apparently, our four gifted, sword-flinging, shell-wearing warriors are basically, well, Guidos.
They are: (1) Leonardo (voice of Johnny Knoxville); (2) Donatello (voice of Jeremy Howard); (3) Raphael (voice of Alan Ritchson); and (4) Michelangelo (voice of Noel Fisher). Now, given that these four pizza-scarfing goons look essentially the same and are only differentiated by the color of their masks, which is often hard to make out amidst all the action, it was hard for us to pin down who exactly was who. All I know is "The Smart One" wears glasses and is your basic sexy nerd; "The Born Leader" is the one who rallies and inspires the others; "The Rebel Without A Clue" is the one who goes around bitching and moaning about everything; and "The Horny Sleazoid" is the one who keeps trying to mack on April. As if he had a shot in hell of tapping that.
Anyhow, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo team up with April and her dork-ass cameraman (Will Arnett) who has a name that actually seems more suitable for either an accountant or a geeky porn star: Vernon Fenwick. The five of them try to find out exactly what the criminal mob terrorizing the city is after - and who is leading it. Is it the mysterious billionaire named Eric Sacks (William Fichtner)? Or the equally-mysterious dude named Shredder (Tohoru Masamune)? And what role does a rat named Splinter (voice of Tony Shalhoub), who is basically a cross between Morpheus and Yoda, have in the whole mess?
Whatever. I just want to know what kind of toppings these four doofuses like on their pizza...
BUT SERIOUSLY: As we discussed above, I was never really into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was growing up - unlike my brother who loved them. I did find them amusing on the few occasions I caught the cartoons on TV, or observed my brother playing the Nintendo games. Bottom line - I am not too familiar with the mythos behind these characters. And when creating a cinematic adaptation of a TV show or video game, you need to walk the fine line between giving the core audience (the original fans) what they want - and also making the story fathomable to the new and uninitiated.
On that score, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES stumbles. There's just way too much complex backstory here, and its not really presented in the most graceful way possible. Rather than feeding us the information in a way that makes sense, we get twists and plot reveals midway through the film that raise more questions than they answer. Of course, this is not an issue to someone who is familiar with the TV show and the video games. However, anyone new to the proceedings (like us) will be a bit confused.
Ultimately, though, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES is skewed towards kids - and maybe why that's why director Jonathan Liebesman, producer Michael Bay, and their writers settled for a somewhat sloppy narration. After all, kids aren't going to care about the finesse of storytelling. For the rest of us, however, this film will be considerably less dazzling and more contrived.
While it is technically competent and has some bright spots here and there, it doesn't really do anything new, and instead retreads some plot elements from recent superhero films. April O'Neil's pursuit of the shadowy turtle vigilantes feels too much like fellow journalist Lois Lane's (Amy Adams) investigation of the "Superman Urban Legend" in last year's MAN OF STEEL. Also, an extended action sequence involving an 18-wheeler truck and a pursuing vehicle both slaloming down a snowy mountainside feels like a deleted scene from THE AVENGERS. Finally, there is the climax which anyone who saw THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN in 2012 will recognize as blatantly unoriginal: it is essentially the same final confrontation involving a weaponized virus that is being released into the atmosphere from the top of a Manhattan skyscraper - except this time during the day instead of night.
In the end, one of the few things that gives TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES a passing grade is the charm of Megan Fox as April O'Neill. Fox is a better actress than she is often given credit for. It's nice to see her playing a role that depends more on quick wits and resourcefulness than sex appeal, and she is equal to the task. Will Arnett provides some nice snarky humor as April's sidekick, Vernon Fenwick. As the title quartet, Johnny Knoxville, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, and Alan Ritchson lend their solid vocals to bring the turtles to life. Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo tend to blur together because of the action, but they share a warm rapport amongst themselves and with April that, sadly, goes unexplored in this installment.
Perhaps the sequel will do a better job of fleshing out the turtles and their mythology. For now, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES is passable entertainment. And for hardcore fans and kids, maybe a little more.
